Partners past ever bother you?

[Marc]

Sometimes, I wish my girl hadn't done some of the things she's done in the past. Does this ever bother anyone else?

[Tessie]

Yup, and you need to get over it and move on. She can't change her past and is not responisible for your feelings on it. You accept her for who she is and make your relationship work and let the rest go. that is the best advice I can give you.

[vagabondprince]

sometimes i wish my partner hadn't done some of the things she'd done, but then i remember that, like tess said, you can't change the past. it is also something that haunts my thoughts sometimes almost without me being able to control it. there are also some things that i know from her past that happened to her that weren't under her control that i have trouble getting off my mind, and i develop a hatred for the people that did those things, and it just sticks in my mind.

i wish there was some way to get these things off my mind, but i have yet to find any way really

[oberon]

You might also remember that her past is what makes her the person she is now. If she hadn't "done some of the things" she did in her past, she might be a different person now.... and she might not be with you.

[lilly2279]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (oberon @ Jan. 07 2005,05:18)]You might also remember that her past is what makes her the person she is now. *If she hadn't "done some of the things" she did in her past, she might be a different person now.... and she might not be with you.

I think that's a great point and something I never even really thought of.

I also think sometimes that the past should just be kept the past. My bf asked if I wanted to know how many women he had been with, I said "nope, the past is just that.. the past" I don't want to be thinking about how many women he has been with and I don't think it's necessary to know in order to go further in the relationship.

I know he wants me to tell him, but he's already hinted around as to the number he has in his head and he would be wrong. He acts like if he tells me, then I can tell him... But I just say I don't want to know. I asked if that bothered him, keeping some mystery there and he says no. But, I know it bothers him just a bit. He's a bit old school and I just think anything beyond 3 or so would make him look at me differently.

And now that I say it on here... does that look like I'm trying to keep a secret? What about the rest of you.. Do you think it's important you tell your significant other just how many you have been with and all the torid details? Just how much does that affect going forward?

[Rawbob]

Lilly:

I think disclosure of one's "Past" is very dependent on where you are in the relationship.

While full disclosure is probably a wise idea, we all process information differently and if you're 2 years into a relationship, are deeply in love and committed to each other, telling your other half that you DID indeed have many partners, group sex, 3ways, etc.....however, you MAY NOT want to disclose that 3 weeks into a relationship.

There have been many times in the past 8 years that i heard my partner disclose such info that i know he'd never shared before......and all i did was smile and say "You never told me that".

Would i have thought different of him if he'd told me 3 weeks into our dating......i think i might have....but now it's no big deal!

Yes, the past is the past, and ultimatly it's an individual decision about how honest to be! that said, i think every person has the right to decide when and how to share such info - or NOT disclose it at all!

[Marc]

Good points everyone. I don't try and let it bother me. It's just that sometimes it pops up every now and then. When I think about it, I don't even care... but for some reason, I will at times. I don't know why and would just wish it to go away. I know it would hurt her so much if I bring it up and I would not want to do that. I guess it will just take some more time, that's all.

[soulmates82]

if you ask your mate questions bout their past, stop and really think about why you feel this is something you need to know. if you do ask and now wish you hadnt, ... hard to forget things. nothing to forget if you dont even know it in the 1st place.
if your mate tells you things you havent asked about, do you really think they told you to hear you tell them how you would have handled it all different and ask you to tell them how stupid of them and judge your morals and ignorance and..... the past cant be chnged. you have a past you lived your way, ditto each of us. we learn and grow and change ourselves by experence. times chne, society changes,.....
either way you look at it, your mate is who they are. you either accept that or find you cant accept that. my moral here is dont ask questions unless you can be completely unbias to the answers you didnt want to hear.
be careful with telling your mate about your past as well. best leave most ghosts locked in the memory of their maker

[vagabondprince]

lilly. if you're not comfortable telling him, and he hasn't asked you how many you've been with, i really don't think you need to say anything. it probably just doesn't seem natural for you, and that kind of information should really only be shared when it feels natural. of course, if he does ask, you may want to consider telling him. and otherwise just say that you don't feel comfortable. but if you care about your partner definitely don't lie about something like that

[LittleFury]

At times, I am uncomfortable, but it's not some much the number, rather then the people and things. But then I remember that he goes to bed with me every night, and that I'm the only girl who ever wore his ring, and only one he told his family that he loves and will marry, and I feel a bit better. So I guess it's not so much as get uncomfortable, rather get insecure.