Badly Suffering

[Hopeless]

I'm not sure what to expect from posting here except maybe some therapy.

I was recently told by my wife, after 10+ years of being very happily married that she had been having an affair with a co worker and was no longer in love with me. You would think that my life would come to a screeching halt, well it did but that was only the first bombshell dropped on me.

To go back a little bit, I am in the military and had been gone for a few weeks. When I returned *after being gone for a few weeks my wife had been acting very distant and stand offish. I thought she was having some family problems (Mom & Dad) that she was not comfortable with and when asked her to open up she just said she needed to work it out herself. I felt bad that she didn't trust me to open up and let me help as she knows I would have been more than willing to do. For the few days I got to be home I was not *intimate with her as she never felt like it (by now we hadn't been intimate for like 4-5 weeks, remember I was gone for a while). Well after only a few days at home I had to leave for another month of training, while I was gone I wrote her daily telling her of my concern for her and her situation. I returned the week of Thanksgiving to find her acting the same. I was now very bothered by this. I couldn't stand her attitude and insisted that we sit down and talk about what was going on and how we could work on this problem together. After three nights she finally sat down with me late one night after our daughter had done to bed to tell me the worst news I have ever receive in my life. I was crushed and thought I was going to die.

After a few days and getting people to speak to us (pastor & Friends), there was no getting her to come back and try to work this out because she said she was not willing to work on our relationship as she was now in love with this other man (who, by the way she just recently met at her work a few months earlier). She said that she did not mean for this too happen it just did and she cannot explain it.

My Pastor from my church came to stay with me for a few days as I could not get myself together and he stayed the night with me one night. Well on the third day of his visit and a week to the day the first bombshell dropped the second one would drop, even harder than the first one! My wife who I loved more than anything in this world had went to the Doctor for a check up and discovered she was now 7 weeks pregnant with this other mans child.

For the past few weeks I have been having a seriously hard time dealing with this and I keep picking at my own wounds. I have gotten therapy from a family counselor, and have also just recently begun to see a Psychologist. I have been diagnosed depressed with anxiety. I have to keep it together somehow for my daughter. My daughter is my life now, plus I am still committed to my military career. I do not take committment lightly, but my honor has been shattered, and I have been disrespected in the worst way. It has been about 5 weeks now since the first bomb and I am still terribly hurting.

If there is anyone out there that can give any advice please feel free to comment. Maybe you can tell me about how long it took to get over this, because I just feel like this horrible event just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. I am having problems sleeping now (have been prescribed Ambien but it doesn't work that great) and am also having lots of nightmares. My "Wife" is still around a lot as well due to our daugter and demands that we have joint custody of her even though she has moved out and left us for an apartment with her boyfriend. My daughter and I also spent our Christmas away with My Pastor and friends but it was not pleasant because I was so broken hearted. I hope there is someone out there willing to read this that can underastand my situation and can maybe give some advice, I need it. Please help.

[WallyLlama]

I hope posting as least helped because you were able to vent. I'd have to say that this problem is too deep, too painful, etc. for you to get "therapy" on a forum. (It's also not a sexual issue per se, so the people who can best respond are likely going to be found elsehwhere.)

I do have a couple of thoughts for you. They may seem a bit harsh, but you are operating on emotion and some logic is in order.

First, you seem quite dependent on your Pastor. Not all bad, certainly, particularly if he is providing spiritual and emotional support. I must say, however, that most pastors I have known are well-intentioned, but basically unqualified to provide therapy. I'm therefore glad to hear that you are seeing a family counselor and psychologist and I hope that psychologist is a "goal oriented" practitioner. (As opposed to one who wants to spend several years helping you understand the problem.)

Second, you haven't mentioned another professional you must see immediately if not sooner - an attorney. It will not be pleasant, but you may find it an amazingly "freeing" step. For many in situations like yours, it's the one thing they can do that gives them some sense of being in some degree of control of the situation.

Those are your best sources of advice. Be cautious about listening to your heart... that's by and large what's tearing you up. Stress is always caused when we try to hold on to a thought that is either not true or doesn't work. Let go of the thought and the stress goes away.

This is a supportive place with many caring people... you'll find some good listeners here so feel free to keep us posted and vent when needed. The answers, however, are going to come from within you. You may have to search hard and deep, but you will find them.

[Hopeless]

Thanks for your post Wally.

Yes, I have seen an attorney already. One problem, as a Christian person I am not sure if I should be the one that files for the divorce. This is also dragging me through Hell as it is something I don't feel is right even though the chances of the marriage working now are dim to non exsistant. I also do not believe in abortion as a way out of a situation like this so my values leave me between a rock and a hard place. I will be speaking to people about the divorce issue as I need help in determining my next steps. My "Wife" keeps saying she is going to file the papers but has not in the past 4-5 weeks. I am wondering why she is not trying to get me out of her "new" life as soon as possible. Her baby may be born before her new boyfriend and her can be properly married.

Also, if anyone can help me out, what is the likelyhood of this new relationship working properly? It seems very speedy and not a whole lot of thinking going into it. My "Wife" all of the sudden totally seems to be a person I don't know at all, and acting very selfish and very risky. Please Help.

[Tessie]

Hopeless first off (((((((hugs))))))) that is a terrible story and I am very sorry to hear what has happened to your marriage. I can't even imagine the kind of heartache you are suffering with.

I would first advice you to just try to take care of yourself. See whoever you have to so you can talk out your feelings and not keep them bottled up which will not help you at all. Wally is right that not all Pastors are equipped to handle this kind of depression but if you trust him and he is a friend (which he sounds like a great guy) then lean on him and anyone else you have to right now.

I am a Christian myself and I can tell you that you have every ground to file for a divorce from your wife. Adultery is Biblically acceptable grounds for it. She has broken the covenant of your marriage by sleeping with this man and especially getting herself pregnant. Your wife sounds very selfish and irresponsible.

What you have to do is take back control of your life. Get the lawyer and take the steps you have to. I don’t believe in abortion either and I hope she will raise her baby and give it the good life it deserves. You, your daughter and this new baby are the innocent victims in her foolish behavior and lack of commitment to her vows and responsibilities.

You asked if this could work out with her and the other man. Yes it very well can work out. My husband left his wife for me after knowing me two weeks and we have been together for 17 years now and are fairly happily married. That will have to be between the two them to see if what they have is real or not. I know it won’t be an easy road for them though.

Wally is right that there are really nice people here that will give you support so please feel free to talk about your feelings. Sometimes telling strangers your most personal problems can actually help. Take care of yourself. 

[WallyLlama]

I'm not going to get dragged into the religion and theological issues beyond saying this: If you believe God wants you to stay married to this woman and very likely end up supporting her and some one else's child... well, there's not much sense in asking for anybody's help except His. He probably will not post his advice here.

This is partly why I cautioned you against depending heavily on a Pastor. A great deal of what passes as "religion" is simply an excuse for not assuming responsibility for one's actions and decisions.

It probably doesn't sound like it so far, but I'm not "anti" God. I'm very "anti" the theme many religions develop that imply somehow that God expects us to suffer and be miserable. If your religion teaches that, you'll have to learn to be happy being miserable.

Otherwise, file for the divorce. NOW. You might even consider filing for full custody of your daughter.

She is not trying to get you out of her life because you're her gravy train and a easy touch. It's just that simple. She knows you quite well, remember? You're not the one who changed. You're not likely to take action... no divorce, no abortion... Don't be too surprised if she claims the unborn child is yours and she then demands child support from you. You are an ideal candidate for a major screwing. (And we're not talking about the kind she did with the new boyfriend. I've seen this done... the wronged husband "claims" the unborn child as his. Once the baby is born and his name is on the birth certificate she's off with the real father, but leaving an address for child support checks.) The woman cheated on you, there's no reason to expect she's not going to cheat you again.

Whether or not her new relationship stands a chance of working is mildly interesting but of absolutely no consequence to you or any of your decisions.

Harsh? Yes, but I suspect you need a wake-up call and fairly quickly. Welcome to the real world. When you're inside a burning building you don't contemplate your value system and pray.

Interesting that you chose the nickname "Hopeless." The question you need to be asking yourself is whether or not you're the one making things hopeless. Read your own posts as dispassionately as you can. Who has a problem? Not your (soon to be ex) wife, that's for sure. You're dragging yourself through hell because you want reality to be different. Nothing will change until you give yourself at least as much value as you give some esoteric principle or theology. Your new reality awaits you.

[Rawbob]

Hi Hopeless!

I had a similar situation - but worse! I was away on business (i did alot of travling for biz) and while away on a trip, i tried to reach my wife many times, but she never answered...i came home from my trip to a 1/2 empty house, she'd taken our son and moved from INdiana back to Massachusetts!

Of course there was a note, but needless to say, it was trauma! I too went immediatly into panic, depression, denial, finally it progressed to anger, then i was resolved that we'd not be able to repair our marriage!

Now, i know this sounds vapid,but belive it or not here is some thoughts and advice:
1) YOU ARE NOT ALONE - this happens alot, and many men have gone thru the same thing as you. I think you need to find a support group so u can talk this out and just share. It really helped me for a couple weeks.
2) IT WAS HER DECISION. You can't make her change her mind, so you have to stop beating yourself up. Remember, god gave us "free will" and no matter how sinful, right or wrong something is....it's still our decision to make. So, you need to get to teh reality that she's made her decisions.
3) PROTECT YOURSELF: You need to IMMEDIATLY get to a lawyer, file papers for divorce, change your credit cards, open a new checking account and protect your assets. If not for you for your daughter! You lawyer will do much of this for u, but just the act of seeing him/her will be good because they can give you ALOT of good advice. They see this every day of their lives and can be a good source of help and direction.
4) LET YOUR COMMANDER AND KEY FRIENDS KNOW: You need to let those near you know whats going on (if they dont' already). You will need some time to get things arranged, and also it's a good source of creating a support group.
5) IT WILL GET BETTER: I know it sounds trite, but you need to embrace the reality of ONE DAY AT A TIME. It's gonna hurt, no bullshit...and it's gonna take time to move on....so just take it one day at a time......but trust me bud..it WILL get better!

I hope this helps, and i hope you see a trend here from those of us who have posted! It's up to you ....you're in the service..you have been trained how to deal with adversity! Take that training and apply it right now!

Basically, if you see your wife as a member of your squad who lied and betrayed his unit - whatwould u do? Now, this soldier is NOT accessable....so u can't arrest him or do anthing like that..but if this was a male soldier who betrayed your unit and caused alot of pain..what would u do?

Apply your training! Improvise, adapt, overcome! You should also see your commanding officer and base chaplain about services avaiable to you as a military serviceman!

Give yourself till MONDAY, then move on! It's a new year....start fresh!

Good luck! Hang in there!

[Greendale]

Stay away from selfish women who can't stay alone for at least a little while. You thought she was your friend/wife after all those years and you just found out she wasn't. It's sad that women use men for marriage. That's my only advice.

[Hopeless]

Well, it's been quite a few months now since I originally posted on here.

My divorce is in progress and should be final in July.

I am still having lots of problems with accepting what has happened, probably since it was such a shock and totally out of the blue. I am still seeing a therapist, and seeing a psychologist which hopefully has helped some. I also recently started going to group therapy.

If anyone else has experienced this kind of problem I would like to know how they went about dealing with it as well. I have been talking to a lot of women who have cheated on their husbands lately and they have all regreted it but usually not for quite a while till the effects of what they had done set in. I'm affraid that my wife has fallen into the lust trap and life as normal won't set in again until the "honeymoon" has worn off. Anyone else have any comments on this? Would love to hear them.

Thanks for taking an interest in this post and reading this far.

[Rawbob]

Thanks for the update! Maybe you can change your online name from HOPLESS to Hopfull?

It's going to take some time....but u know that!

And, like i've said in prior posts, that you can't "own"her decisions.....just take it one day at a time and you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel isn't that far away after all!

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Hopeless @ May 05 2005,20:07)]...I have been talking to a lot of women who have cheated on their husbands lately and they have all regreted it but usually not for quite a while till the effects of what they had done set in. I'm affraid that my wife has fallen into the lust trap and life as normal won't set in again until the "honeymoon" has worn off. Anyone else have any comments on this?

If you are harboring and holding on to some hope or belief that she's going to "wake up" and go back to being the person you once thought she was, you need to let go of that.

You may be finding women who've cheated and come to regret it... ask them if their lives went back in time or did the experience change them.

You might also try to find some women who've cheated, run off with their lover and lived happily ever after. It happens.

As you point out, you are having trouble accepting it... believing it is somehow going to rewind is not going to contribute to your acceptance of the reality of it.

People may fall into traps, but they usually decide to place their foot there... perhaps without realizing the consequences until the trap snaps shut. Note that your wife has not asked you to help her out of her "trap."

Sometimes we have to accept things that don't make sense and the continuing attempt to make sense of those things is counterproductive. You should be hearing that from your therapist, so I will not belabor the point.

A caution about group therapy: sometimes it too can be counterproductive because the group learns from each other the behaviors and feelings they are trying to escape.

When a door closes, it doesn't have to mean you are trapped in a room. It can mean you've entered another.