Cheating Boyfriend

[crazyhen]

Ok, so some background info.

We've been dating for almost a yr and had a very healthy relationship. We've survived long distance and a break. At the begining of this semester, I convinced him to try and change his appearance (cut his dreads..buy new clothes). We started to hang out with a group of ditzy freshman girls and some sophomore guys. He'd been suffering from depression and didn't know what to do. He'd been there for me through all of my rough times, so I stood by him through this. Two weeks ago, he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew I was his best friend and the only person he'd ever cared this much about. But he had never been happy..and he needed to figure things out before we took this relationship any further. I gave him a break but we still hung out. The next night I saw him flirting and getting a little physical with a good friend of mine. I was a little upset but figured I was probably over reacting. Then I began to hear more and more things about the two of them form my friends. I confronted him and asked him if he had cheated. He denied it. Even so, I didn't feel comfortable with the relationship and broke it off. Since then we talked things through and went back to being good friends.
A week ago, he told me he really cared about me and felt like he'd made the biggest mistake of his life in letting me go. He felt like an asshole and wanted to make things up. That night I saw him holding hands in a very coupley way with the girl I mentioned before. I went to confront him about it and found his door locked. His neighbour (also a friend of mine) told me he'd brought the other girl home. I sent him a very civil email asking him to return my couch etc. and wished him all the luck with his new interest. He called me back and wanted to chat. Despite my better judgement I went and talked to him. He confessed to having cheated not only that night but also over thanksgiving break. He said he didn't know why he did it but knew that I was the only one he ever wanted. I melted and gave him another chance to make things better. That evening we happened to be at the same party. We talked for a long time and ended up kissing. I left to go study and he left with his friends and the afore mentioned girl to drink.
That night, I went over to his place to say bye as I wldn't see him over winter break and hadn't had a chance to say so before. His door was open, but no one was answering. So, I decided to go in and give him a hug. I opened the door to see him in bed with the other girl. He came out and talked to me. A lot of arguing and discussion later he told me he'd ask her leave and would do anything for me. He said he loved me and was confused. He just knew he needed to have me in his life as a partner. He talked to the girl..she left. Aparently she went running to one of his friend's who came over and yelled at me for hurting her. My boyfrined didn't stand up for me and din't tell his friend what had happened. I left.

Now I feel lost. I know he cares for me and I know I care for him too, but should I just let this relationship go? He says he can see us together in 5 yrs but not in 5 days. What do i do about him? Should I give him another chance and then decide is I want him back? Or should I cut him off altogether? HELP!

[oberon]

Well, ultimately, only you can decide what you are going to do. Based on the information that you have provided, if I were in your situation, I'd be looking for a new boyfriend. It sounds like he's figured out that he can cheat on you and you'll continue to take him back.

I'd tell him to take a hike. Sorry.

Take care and good luck.

[girl12]

i agree with oberon. u have given him so many chances that he will just use u and make u feel like shit. its very manipulative of someone to cheat on their partner multiple times and then every time after that they come back saying 'o im sori give me another chance.' i mean if its an open relationship and both people agree thats fine but he CHEATED on u a lot of times. that makes me pissed off at him and i dont even know him. grrrr

-mariah

[vagabondprince]

he may appear to care for you, but he doesn't care for you at all. he sounds rather dishonest and manipulative. a scumbag basically. i'd recommend cutting your ties with him. find someone else, and don't talk to him again at least until you have found someone else and have gotten over him and realized how poorly he's treated you by doing this to you.

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

ok you said you were on a break, so that isnt cheating.. LOL and.. why would you get him to cut his dreads and get new clothes? maybe thats why he isnt happy, is because YOU want him to change, he didnt wanna change HIMSELF... because well maybe thats because thats WHO he is.
Also, sorry to be a bitch in this.. but i feel likes just acting out to you. the whole he wanted to make up and said he was an asshole, did you REALLY make up? or is that all he said? like did you guys CLEARLY state taht you made up? cause... well if you dont sometimes people can misinterpret that as things being ok..doesnt mean dating, but... just things between you being OK.. and no hard feelings

Sorry to say, but you keep putting yourself on a limb. and really.. you keep being pushed off.. willingly.. but yeah... I'd just be friends nothing more, cause for somereason i think thats all he thinks of you as... and the whole 5 years thing.. your more.. "AFTER" umm if that makes sense...5 days, thing.. well he wants fun, adventure, no commitment im sure.

Jamie

[monie]

This is why I try to avoid taking breaks in relationships. It messes things up by blurring the lines of what is right and permissable and what is not, and it fools with people's emotions.

Without taking any position of fault in this, I will say that I definitely think you should no longer try to pursue anything romantic with him. At this point I would step back, let him do as he pleases, and dont try to contact him. However, if he contacts you, be willing to talk. This will help to seperate yourself from him romantically, and will help you try to get over your feelings for him. Then once you really feel you no longer have romantic feelings for him, then you can try to be friends with him and be there for him as you described.

You said that he was depressed. Are you sure he is no longer depressed? Depression can make you do some strange things. Im not saying this is an excuse or anything, but it can really screw up the way people do things. He probably does not realize what he really did. Therefore I feel you should not get on his case about things, because that will not help him at all. Also, I dont see how making him change his appearance was supposed to help... but anyways.

So, all in all I would say to back off from him and let him do as he wishes. In the meantime, work on yourself and prepare yourself to let go of your feelings for him and move on romantically. If you still want to be friends with him and support him, you'll need to wait.

Good luck.

[vagabondprince]

i could be wrong, and please correct me if i am, but i don't think she said they were on a break every time he hooked up with her friend.

But i will agree that breaks suck the big one. the biggest problems my gf and i had were because of differing definitions of the term "break". the first time i got hurt because she took more liberties during that time, and the second time she decided to use my definition instead of hers and ended up getting hurt. consequently we are presently ex-bf/gf.