They've paved paradise

[vagabondprince]

what i quoted in the title is the line of a song. i am being haunted by the couple of lines from it:

"don't it always seem to go,
That you don't know what you've got till it's gone,
They've paved paradise and put up a parking lot"

I'm sitting here late at night, and it's just on my mind what i really gave up when i helped cause things with my girlfriend to end. Back when i was in the relationship my perception of the way things were was clouded by worries that she may end things with me if she found someone better, so i was going about things as if they were doomed. after things were over, i saw how wrong i was. the relationship, other than my negative views on it, was progressing rather nicely. she had made genuine effort to keep things going and all that. Now i'm sitting here depressed because i am realizing and missing all that i had. i don't know what to do. a good portion of the time i don't even think about this, but on that rare occasion it brings me down hard. i need to get past this and move on, but don't know how to do that. i've started being more active in things, all the stuff recommended, but that doesn't help for this kind of rare occasion. this five percent of the time i just feel like crap. what can i do?

[WallyLlama]

Not to make light of it, but I know a lot of people who would be thrilled if they "felt like crap" only 5% of the time!

Don't dwell on it, budget yourself the 5% boo-hoo time. Spend the other 95% doing all the good things including realizing that you are the sum total of all the choices you make and all the experiences you've had.

Forward focus.

I haven't posted this in a long time: "Jet pilots don't use rear view mirrors."

[eDJ]

What Wally's telling you vagabondprince is right, and I would
add that time is the great cure all. Everyone has 20/20 hindsight and you could spend forever looking at what you did
worng or how you could have done better. I've done the same thing myself and still look back to some of my very first
relationships...but now more as lessons learned more than
remorcing.

It is natural to morose now and grieve during the holiday season but spring is right around the corner and with it
new beginnings will come. It is a great time to be planning
for, to have oneself fit and trim and dressed to look sharp.
Brush up on those flirting skills now and practice with random
people just to get comfortable with it before spring gets here.

If it helps to know this...the guys will have about 15 to 20 girl friends before they settle down, and the girls about 5 to 8 before they do likewise. Why do the girls do it more efficiently? They get started very early with social skills and the guys perhaps by 15 to 18 start learning to become social with girls. So don't be too hard on yourself.

No girl(that knows what she's doing) wants to be with a guy who is still grieving over another lost relationship(a rebounder) as she will wonder what will happen to her if the other girl patches things back up with you. Would she be used to make the X jealous so she will come back to you? And her be made a fool. So, before you go looking again......be sure you are over her and if asked (cause you probably will be) can say things didn't work out so you both went your ways and then drop it. (it just didn't work out) Thats all you really have to say and assure the new person that it is totally over and there is no baggage or issues.

You simply need to move on now and keep learning. In time you can look back and forgive yourself easier as being a less experienced guy who simply didn't know how to handle his insecureties. So, chin up and move on.....you'll be glad you did.

.......and this for any other guy reading this who finds himself
in the same situation.

eDJ

[camman]

like u said u dont always know what u got till its gone.
This little time of depression will in the end help u relize the more important things in life.
Granted i havent lived to long so i can onnly talk from the little amount of exsperiance i have but.... When i was sad about losing my long term g/f, i saw all the good things we had and could have had. i realize how i could have made things better . I have " gown" i guess.

Plus man sometimes people just want to be sad, it helps to just be sad sometimes.
But anyways man , Cheer up ya got a whole life ahead of ya to be happy . Enjoy what u have and realize all the things about life you can from this.
Good luck man!

[thetease13]

All the ones above are right.

I just got off a month of my guy (who is my friend above everything else) seeming to not want to talk to me like at all. (We are now talking again and whatnot.) I had no idea what the problem was or what sparked it. And it hurt. It really did. Cause there I sat not being able to really talk to the one person that seemed to cheer me up.
All I could dwell on was that he wasn't there and that made me sad and it made me cry. All I could think about was possibly did wrong to cause this..as I was sure it was my fault.

But I was then reminded of a song I used to know.
It's a song that will make me cry like no tomorrow but, the bridge of the song helped me out a lot, so I will now quote it.

I can remember all those great times we had
There were so many memories, some good some bad
Yes and through it all
Those memories will last
Forever

That right there, really helped me because I then thought back about all the great stuff that had happened and it made me smile. No since dwelling on what went wrong or who or what to blame.

[Tessie]

In time it gets better and then you move on. Depression is a fact. But it is up to you to not wallow in it to the point you don't move forward with you life.

I liked what camman said about people sometimes just wanting to be sad. I am a very upbeat person and rarely get sad and depressed. Right now I am both. It will pass though. I have been this way before and I know after living a lot of years now life really does go on.

You will be fine Vagabondprince. Come do a roleplay story with us. *

[vagabondprince]

ok...as you may be able to tell, i'm not over my ex yet. and judging from events tonight i think she may not be over me either. i went over to her room tonight; her roommate was gone and she was bored/ i had nothing better to do. so i figured i'd drag my studies over there for a bit. just the interaction between us was kind of giving me the vibe that she was trying to get close to me again. First of all, just inviting me over was one big thing. another was that while we were walking to the campus mart beforehand to get snacks she kept accidentally brushing against me- once is understandable, but when i try to make a few inches distance and it happens again, i start to wonder. then while i was in her room, sitting on the chair next to the bed she'd hang her leg off the bed resting it on my knee. and just the way she talked was kind of giving me that vibe.

I am very thankful she is going back home tomorrow for winter break, preventing the chance of another encounter like this from happening for a month. I want to move on and forget about this relationship at least temporarily while being nice and keeping up a little contact (through AIM mostly) so that a "just friends" scenario isn't impossible in the future. i don't know if it was a mistake going over there tonight, as it stoked old feelings that i would like to have extinguished by now. it's just a really confusing time because a small part of me is saying i want her back, and is keeping that small flicker of hope kindled while the rest of me wants to move on for now. I can't think about the good stuff from the relationship like it's been suggested in a few posts because that strengthens the desire for a return to the relationship. How do i move on?

PS: I realize now that I should definitely stay just friends with the new girl for at least a couple of months to keep from alienating her if something happens between myself and my ex.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (vagabondprince @ Dec. 13 2004,22:30)]How do i move on?

PS: I realize now that I should definitely stay just friends with the new girl for at least a couple of months to keep from alienating her if something happens between myself and my ex.

Well, Mate, that's a sure way NOT to "move on." You need to have a conversation with yourself and figure out whether you're going to move on or not. At this point your actions are saying that you're not. "I'll move on but not too far just in case she still wants me."

You might want to argue that point, but the bottom line is you are allowing your ex to permeate your life and your decisions.

As for "getting over" her, I believe I posted in another thread that you never "get over" a close relationship you had with someone. That relationship and that person will (and should) always remain a part of your experience. Hopefully, you are better because you had the experience. The thing is that someone can be important to your past without necessarily being important in your present.

Frankly, you're obsessing. Read your description of the time you spent with her... it's as if you are desperately seeking some sign she still is wanting you.

Accept the fact that the decision you are making is a decision to hold on to some hope you'll end up with her again.

Or reconcile with her.

Or get her into perspective and "move on."

But don't kid yourself about which decision you are making.

Remember, the question isn't whether or not your ex wants you. The question is whether or not you and her can have a healthy relationship. If you can, go for it. If you can't, make that your reality.

[vagabondprince]

i talked to my ex last night, and apparently the other day when i had thought there were signs she was still interested, or at least not over me, i was right. earlier in the week she mentioned something about missing me, so i asked last night whether she had meant missed hanging out with me and missed me as a person, or if she meant more than that, as in missed what we used to have. and she said she missed it all.

i am really confused about what i want. as a short aside before i continue, i don't know if i have mentioned it in this post, but shortly after breaking up, i realized that a lot of the problems with the relationship were simply because of problems i had getting over the stuff that happened over the summer; i had been letting that incident cloud my vision, making me imagine certain things that werent happening and totally miss things that were. so now i don't know whether i should give it another shot, considering she and i both still have feelings for each other, and considering i know what i do now, or whether i should not even think about starting it back up again.

[monie]

Seeing as the breakup is still rather fresh, of course you will still have feelings for each other and miss what you had. Hell, I occasionally miss what I had with my first ex, and that was almost 5 months ago. It doesnt mean we should get back together, and it doesnt mean I still want him. the fact is that the missing is the hardest part to "get over" with any breakup.

Honestly, I feel you should wait a little longer before making a decision. Feelings will always cloud your true judgment. I feel that if you give it some time you may be able to see clearer and make a good decision. And as Wally said previously, you need to recognize whether you can have a healthy relationship or not.

I know this is hard stuff to do, but I think its important.

Good luck Vaga.