Fight With My Wife

[underpressure]

Insight:
Been married 5 years, have 2 kids...marriage is above average to great in my opinion and great in my wifes opinion.

Problem:
We are going on holidays with 2 other couples.
My wife said last night that she was worried about being in a bathing suit around the other 2 females, both of which are smaller, and shorter than she is.

My wife has gone from 5'8 145 lbs when we married to 5'8" 175 lbs after 5 years (and 2 kids, last one is 14 months old now). She has never been supermodel thin but she has always been very, very attractive...not only to me, but to many other guys who have expressed interest.

My mistake:
I agreed with her when she said she was bigger than the other 2 women!
I probably should've told a white lie and sid "Don't worry about it" but it seemed like a good idea to tell the truth.

Now what?

My wife is mad at me and says I no longer find her attractive, which is definitely not the case. I love my wife and would find her attractive even if she was 250 lbs and have told her so.

Telling her this solved 0 problems.

Should I just wait til she gets over this, or is there something I should say to ease her pain?
I can't really take back what I said now b/c its too obvious now.

This might not be a total sex problem for this message board...but it will be if I don't find a solution...it'll be a LACK OF SEX PROBLEM

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

i wonder if you could explain to her.. by you agreeing that YES she is bigger, but bigger... meaning taller, cause you did say they were shorter, hmm... i duno what to do with that one.. sorry man


jamie

[WallyLlama]

If your marriage is of the quality you believe this will work itself out in time.

The first requirement is time for the emotions to settle. If we ever find an effective way to deal with self-image issues like this, somebody's gonna make billions writing the book.

If you tell her she's not, um, larger, she thinks you're lying and bullshitting her.

If you tell her it's not an issue, she thinks you're nuts and bullshitting her.

If you tell her she's right about her observation, she thinks you no longer find her attractive.

How am I doing so far?

I think there aren't many options. You're right, you can't take back what you said, but I also think it wouldn't have mattered what you said in the first place. This isn't about your opinion of her size, it's about her opinion of her self and her stress over what the others will think of her.

Logic is probably not going to help.

You know your wife and your relationship very well... if you accept that you are not the problem, how have you guys handled things like this in the past? How do you get her to redirect her anger... or put it in perspective? Or in similar situations has it been better to let it blow over?

It might help some to show (perhaps subtly) her that you think she's the best both in the context of the trip and in general. Anytime there's discord, it's always best to return to the things you do agree on and feel the same about.

If she continues to brood, I'd ask her what she would like you do. Watch your tone of voice and be very genuine. It can be very disarming when you "force" the other person to help you solve the problem. If she says, "I don't know." Stay calm, keep your voice measured and say, "Well, that's the problem I have. I don't know either." Now you have something you agree on and you can build from there.

[lilly2279]

I think Wally has a great idea.

Something else to try... You sound like a wonderful husband, by the way. My boyfriend gets in trouble sometimes like that too and he's the best. But he called me his chubby monkey or something like that and I gave him "the look". lol. I know he loves me, but if someone is really insecure it can feed on your mind and make you feel horrible.

Okay, onto what I was saying to try and got sidetracked.. Write her a letter. Tell her in a letter how beautiful you think she is. Tell her maybe certain times you may have looked at her and been so in love. How much you love that she gave you two beautiful children. I wouldn't go into the fact that you'd love her no matter how big she was.. That doesn't make us very happy. Just basically a letter (love letter, if you will) sharing how much she really means to you.

Write it and put it somewhere that she will find it when you are not around. Hopefully you're good enough to make her cry at how much you love and adore her.

Good luck!

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

or you can wait till you go on the trip and when you see her in her baithin suit go up to her and whisper how good she looks and sexy and stuff

[vagabondprince]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (LadyOfLucidDepths @ Dec. 05 2004,22:19)]or you can wait till you go on the trip and when you see her in her baithin suit go up to her and whisper how good she looks and sexy and stuff

that is if she puts on a bathing suit at all on this vacation now...

sorry to be pessimistic about it, but it is possible

maybe the letter (before the vacation) would be a better move. then you'll be more likely to get the chance to do what LadyOfLucidDepths suggested as well

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

it depends on the person, i know i wouldnt really want a letter.. LOL means i gotta read it.. LOL thats work man.. thats work.
i duno shes your wife :P im sure you will figure something out! you guys love eachother, it will figure itsself out

[Notjustaprettyface]

Honey, you should know by now that words will not get you out of a negative situation... Especially when words were what put you in that negative situation in the first place.

All you can do now is show her how much you love her, and show her how attracted you are to her. You might want to give her extra attention when she is in her bathing suit!

Her insecurities... when it comes down to it, are not about the other woman. Instead it's about what you might see in the other woman.

She was trying to communicate with you in an indirect way (as many of us woman do). She was letting you know that she had realized that she was a bit bigger than the other woman, and she needed to know that despite the fact, you still found her more appealing.

Hope this helps!

Kathleen

[cajdi2004]

i think WallyLlama and lilly2279 are right. I've been married for almost 14 years (been together off and on for 25!) and i've been there (way too many times). you cant take back what you said, and you are in a no win situation. after all these years, i still cant figure out what goes on in her mond sometimes. what works to solve the problem today wont always work tomorrow.

My advice is make your apology, but dont dwell on it over and over. i like the idea of asking her what you should do to make it better. I do that alot. you'd be surprised how often you dont get an answer, but it lets them know you care and gives them a chance to know they are over-reacting without having to admit it.

go out of your way to be attentive without being too pussy whipped or just go all out and beg forgiveness at the alter of her power. but the bottom line is: in time it will pass. if there is an underlying problem that will not go away and will crop up again, but this crisis will blow over.

strange thing is, my wife and I almost always have a fight in the week/days before we go on vacation. something about the stress of getting everything taken care of before and pressure of actually getting away and having a good time!

good luck and enjoy the vacation!! (oh and wild sex several times a day on vacation never hurts!)

[eDJ]

Sounds like your wife is very lucky to have you for her husband. *I feel for you, being placed in the position you were placed in....but you will need to be more aware of when you are being set up. *Just as your honest answer wasn't appreciated.....was her question truly in both of your best interest? *She is a wife and mother of 2 children now and her rant over not being the slyphen 19 year old she once is like trying to have things both ways, isn't it? *Who is looking thin and sleek for by the way...you and her...or for her status with the other two women?

Recently I was shown a Womans magazine which bore stats to the effect that the average woman in the USA was 5'4" and
140 lbs in weight....while the average model used in the media(which so many women try to measure up to) is 5' 11" and weighs 110 lbs. *I wonder why some mature adult women of child bearing age still allow themselves to succumb to this and make their spouce miserable as well?

eDJ