need advice please help

[sugarcookie]

this may be long but id apprciate if you could read on im 21 years old me and my bf have been dating for almost 2 years now we bolth live with our parents he would be over my house and my mom liked him me my mom and him would do all kinds of things togther like shopping ect and hed help he with things since my dad died around the house one day me and my bf went to a halloween event that lsted all day at an amusment park i guess while e were gone my mom found pictures in my room of us naked not having sex just naked and in funny poses this made her hate my bf for some reason 3 months wed started leeping over ach other houses about 5 times out of the week alot i know we got more attached and closer to each other after my mom found the pics she hated him and didnt want him over her house anymore she threatend to hang his naked pics up at his collage and even told his mom that she ws going to do that she also told his mom he was gay lol and even called the police and said he made threats to her and he didn even talk to her i was there with him the whole time a week later i was sad all my mom was doing was saying mean thngs to me and stuff about him my mom alwys has put me down so i moved in with him and his mom thanksgiving was the other day i didnt even talk to my mom until today and and all she ha to say is how terrible of a peson my bfis hs taken me away from my amily blah blah blah and how i need to come back home and forget about him but i dont think i could ever do that i love him i know 2 years dating isnt really all that long but after she said and done all thins stuff i sometimesfind myself thinking of dumping him and i dontknow why we get along so well we never fight im guessing i just realyy need some on to talk to aboutthis i mean what would you do if this was happening to you how would you feel shoud i just follow my heart and stop listening to my mom cause im not a kid any more?

[monie]

Hey, sorry to hear about this... Its a complicated situation.
I think that you nedd to have a few heart to hearts, first with yourself to figure out what you really want. Then you need to have a serious conversation with your mom. She seems to be acting really immature about this. I think you need to discuss with her that you are not a child and you have the right to live your own life, and that she shouldnt still be trying to control you. Don't be harsh, just try to get her to see things from your point of view. I dont really see that there is a reason for you to break up with your bf, I think the relationship that is at stake here is the one with your mom. I feel you should discuss things with her and mend your relationship, something like this really isn't a reason to lose your mother's support.

[sugarcookie]

i know my my mom is a very immature person who prety muchcannot be reasoned with and thats what makes me sad but im guess its worth atry im just scared of what crazy things she will do i just wish shed see that people our age taking pictures is in my opnion something ppl our age do that our in love

[WallyLlama]

I have this feeling that there is more to this story. It seems a bit extreme that a mother's behavior would change that dramatically based only on some naked photos. If it's that simple, mother desperately needs help. It's not clear to me whether the "sleeping over" started before or after the initial confrontation... if it was before the photos may have been the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

Too often, children continue to live at home and then "demand" (expect) they be treated as adults. It is difficult for a parent to see their child as an adult under any circumstances. A child who continues to live at home increases that difficulty many times over because they are not acting like an adult.

I think one of the most important comments in the original post is mother's observation that he's "taking you away from your family." If you sit in her chair, you can see that she's right. If it were not for him, you'd be home every night.

Perhaps that's unreasonable on her part, but at the same time... what was the plan before he came along? When and how were you going to get out on your own?

At a minimum, Mom needs some emotional reeducation that includes accepting the reality that her daughter will not be living at home for the rest of her life. I'll bet that's an underlying issue and it's as much the daughter's problem as it is the parent's.

If the only change made is to dump the bf the problem is simply being postponed.

[oberon]

Hmmm... I have a little experience being in a relationship of which a mother may not approve. If the only way you can make your own decisions is to move out, then that's what needs to happen. It is true "her house, her rules", but if she expects you to live there, then she needs to understand that you have a right to live your own life. Otherwise, you need to start establishing your own home.