Marriage soon - no sex

[Togood2b4gotton]

Ok.. This is going to be kind of long, and probably annoying so bear with me. *I seek advice because I have no idea what else to do..

I have been with my S/O for about 3 years now. *We are due to get married in January and we really aren’t having sex. *About a year ago – something happened with a friend and he says “I just not as interested in sex as I was before”. *He keeps telling me he’ll work on it – but not much changes.

I’ve suggested numerous times we could pick up porn (preferably something he likes a bit more than I do), to go to a sex toy shop, and basically everything I can think of. *He really has no interest in it. *We’ve had a 3 some and he was all about it (after the whole friend thing happened), but I can’t seem to get him all about it with me. *

I know I’m not that ugly, or that bad. *I don’t know what to do. *And he’s only 25.

What worries me is that – in like 70 some days were going to be married, and I think this may cause a problem for me being uncomfortable with myself, and everything else that comes along with it. *Actually, I’ve spoken to him numerous times about me feeling uncomfortable and unattractive – and stuff along that line. *He is extremely apologetic and say’s “I’ll work on it”

I don’t know what to do
Please help

[LittleFury]

Get yourself into premarital couseling. Seriously. I know some guys might be against it, but I think it could help you. And talk to the therapist about it, they are trained to help, so use it. And to be honest, if things don't change ebfore the wedding, I would pospone it. Good luck though. I hope it works out for you.

[experimenter]

Little fury is right, get some counseling. And I would SERIOUSLY consider postponing the wedding. The problems you have now will not magically go away after you get married. If you feel that the way your life is now isn't working for you, I wouldn't be making any big decisions like getting married at this point. Try to get things worked out first. And if you can't, well it will make it alot easier in the long run to end things now instead of having to deal with a divorce later.

[vagabondprince]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Togood2b4gotton @ Nov. 22 2004,16:13)]*About a year ago – something happened with a friend and he says “I just not as interested in sex as I was before”. *He keeps telling me he’ll work on it – but not much changes.

if you feel comfortable sharing, what happened with the friend? it sounds like it's a pretty important part of the issue and i may be able to help you better if that was elaborated on

[WallyLlama]

Lights flashing, bells ringing, sirens howling...

I think his lack of willingness to share the problem is almost as important as his lack of interest in sex.

I'm intrigued that you're not really having sex, but did have a threesome. If the threesome includes the friend... if the lack of interest starting right after the threesome... if the friend is male...

You need to get to the bottom of this before committing to this guy.

[Togood2b4gotton]

Well the friend.. was a friend.. then became more.. A very stupid mistake on his end -It was more of an emotional relationship. She was(and still is) married, her husband wasn't nice at all, beating her and such. He was her knight and shining armor so to speak. He's told me since this has happened - he really doesn't have a desire for anything sexual.

Also- about the 3 some.. it was me, him, and another female.

I've talked to him about couseling - he tell's me that he will try and work this out so I'm happier and we don't have to go.

[experimenter]

It sounds to me that he really isn't interested in making any effort. He has told you before that he will work on the problem, but nothing changes. If he isn't willing to go to counseling, perhaps that is your answer, he isn't willing to fix the problem and the fact that this is affecting your relationship doesn't seem to matter to him. If I was in your situation, I think I would have to end the relationship. He has made no effort to resolve the problem before now, and it certainly doesn't seem like he will resolve the problem any time soon. Getting married will not change that. You have to decide if you can live with the way things are now. I wouldn't marry this guy with the expectation that things will change, they probably won't.

[Togood2b4gotton]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (experimenter @ Nov. 23 2004,09:21)]It sounds to me that he really isn't interested in making any effort. *He has told you before that he will work on the problem, but nothing changes. *If he isn't willing to go to counseling, perhaps that is your answer, he isn't willing to fix the problem and the fact that this is affecting your relationship doesn't seem to matter to him. *If I was in your situation, I think I would have to end the relationship. *He has made no effort to resolve the problem before now, and it certainly doesn't seem like he will resolve the problem any time soon. *Getting married will not change that. *You have to decide if you can live with the way things are now. *I wouldn't marry this guy with the expectation that things will change, they probably won't.

I was afriad of that..

Thanks for all of the advice everyone. I appreciate it. I am also open to any other suggestions, so please feel free to comment.

[WallyLlama]

I'd add... if the problem is a simple lack of sexual desire on his part, I'd get him to a doctor to see if there's something physical involved.

In looking back over the thread, it sounds like he's only been interested in highly charged sexual situations (an affair, a threesome).

I'm puzzled by your statement that you've talked to him about counseling, he's agreed to work on it so you don't have to go? Working on it should include counseling.

Check out the physical aspect, do a couple of counseling sessions to be sure you have an irreconcilable situation.

[vagabondprince]

Before i say anything i'd like to just note that what i'm saying is simply my take on things and is by no means an answer. It is more one idea out of many that should be looked at.

One thing that crossed my mind when you mentioned the emotional attachment with the one friend, was that this brief emotional relationship made him wonder if his emotional attachment to you was really as strong as he once thought. this could be one reason things haven't been the same since. just something to consider