Getting over a break-up

[vagabondprince]

my relationship of just over a year ended on Tuesday. A wall of shock and depression hit me today. how do i cope with all of it? how do i get out of my mind that i totally screwed up? how do i forget that i love her? it kills. i thought i'd be cool with it. i had practically given up on it anyway, but i realized too late that there was possibly still something there. what can i do?

[WallyLlama]

First of all, I'm quite certain you didn't "totally screw up." It takes two people to make a relationship and it takes two people to break a relationship.

That of course doesn't make a break up any less difficult.

A lot of this is giving yourself some time and getting your head in the right place. Your emotions will follow your thoughts. I've said in other threads that losing a partner requires some grief, almost as if that person died. The emotions (and the process) are of course different for each individual, but the way we lost a loved one doesn't alter the fact that we must grieve.

You don't forget you love this person. When a loved one is lost, I hate hearing people preach, "You have to get over it." You never get over it. I've lost people who meant the world to me... some many years ago... and I can tell you that they are still very much a part of me and my life in positive ways that are almost beyond belief.

Allow yourself to feel the loss, but do not allow the loss to consume you.

And have a hug.

[demonbuttercup]

Personally Vaga, I think you are better off.
I know you've told us the stuff she did over the summer and how you really couldn't get past that.
When I read your post about the other girl, I had just assumed you had broken up with your g/f... was this where you screwed up?

Before summer, your g/f pretty much told you she was going to sleep with someone else during that period of time, and she did. I know you love her or you wouldn't have put up with all the crap. Maybe there is something there with this new girl? although, you shouldn't jump straight into a new relationship.
Don't put this all on your head, your ex was the one who first betrayed you and broke your trust.
good luck!

[duckie]

First of all (((((((((vaga)))))))!!!!

Any breakup can be tough to get over especially when you give of yourself emotionally that's something that is so hard when you have ties with a person. *Especially a year long relationship, there are good feelings and good memories and this is what is bringing the doubt of wondering if you've done the right thing. *It does get easier but, there are still going to be those days of doubt.
From your past posts though, go you truly be in a loving and trusting relationship with you ex EVER. *I mean there will always be that doubt, which will have a hold the relationship that you really want and deserve.
How do you get over it? *Do you really ever get over it? NO *You just learn to deal and move on. *Take time for yourself and do things that you've wanted to do but haven't in awhile. *It will help to ease the pain your feeling and little by little you will work through it. * Just remember you deserve to be in a relationship we're you are treating the same as you wish to be treated and you will find it. *Just don't settle for something just because you're lonely. *Because it is a vicious cycle and you don't want to be right back where you are at now.
Wish you all the best vaga! *YOu can do this, remember just take it day by day....

[vagabondprince]

yes buttercup, that's basically where i screwed up. not directly in being intimate with that girl, but more in a communication breakdown that led my ex and i to be on different pages about where we were at in our relationship; i was on a break (not much different than the summer situation), and she was trying to figure things out and hover in a state of not being broken up, but not exactly being together still or something like that. So when i brought up what happened Saturday night, she flipped out. She considered it cheating (something she's telling everyone, including some good friends of mine), and then lying, because i didn't actually bring it up until she asked about it. She had expected me to bring it up totally on my own. To my defense, i had plans to do so, it was just that i wanted to find the right time so we could discuss where we should go from there. Right now i'm feeling more pissed off at her for her double standards than anything else. the feelings of yesterday aren't really there right now.

As for moving on, I know that pursuing things with the girl from saturday night would be nice, but she and i both know that i need some time to get back on my own two feet. What i'm using as my temporary motto is that i have to learn to live by myself before i can live with someone else again.
I just have to figure out how to do that. what my goal is, is to figure out what i want from life in every aspect but the romance department, and then go from there. this is all easier said than done which is why im here for advice on all that.

[camman]

i really cant give advice cuse i am in the same boat. I am broken up with a gf of a year and a half. I want her back. I didnt in the first few weeks though. Now thats all i think about.
I am not tryin to lay off a story here , all i am saying is that at this moment i am hopin that she feeles the same way deep inside. I hope she is just seeing what is out there and in the end will rember what we had and rember that she loves me like i love her.
Anyhows i dont know what she did to u over the summer or what u did to her, but i am hoping and hope feels nice. I hope this idea doesnt hurt u in the end , But it is gettting me by.
Good luck man!

[vagabondprince]

I can't hope to get her back. For one thing, it's the wrong thing to do; i've been with her since just after i started college, and i need to know how to live alone here before i could want another relationship. for another thing, she hurt me. I just recently realized i never got over it. it was the sole cause of all my worry the last couple of months, the cause of all the tension. My feelings about it have to be dealt with. If that happens, and if she gets over her problem with me, maybe then we can think about hoping we'll get back together some day. but until that time comes, all i can do is hope i get over her.

[Greendale]

You don't want to go back to a girl who's ruined your life who is going to break your heart even more. 'cause that's what she's going to do if you try to go after her to get her back. She's done. Move on, enjoy life and be happy.

[mjv154]

Six months ago I got dumbed.....by my girlfriend of 4 years. *It hurts, it hurts so much, and there is little that anyone can say that makes it all better.

*Hope is a true killer. *I am only now starting to realize that it is, and should be over. *My advise to you in focus on you for a while.

*Get to the gym, I started to do yoga. *Spend time with you friends and family. *Experiace new things, museums, art, literature, concerts, anything that helps you grow. *It all helps you realize how special and important you are. *

It's at times like this that you can really get down on yourself. *You just need to be able to keep forging ahead and focus on you right now.

LET NOT GIVING UP BE THE MOTIVATION!

[vagabondprince]

On top of dealing with this, which is depressing enough, i have suspected i might already have a problem with depression...anyway, i'm considering looking into psychological counseling. so we'll see how things go.