Losing Interest...

[MR_PITT]

My wife & I got married three months ago and our sex life has declined pretty significantly: we were together for five years, the last three in law school together. During our last year of law school we were lucky to have sex once a month because we were so tired. We were very affectionate on our honeymoon and after we got back, but since then I've pretty much completely lost interest. I'm not sure if it is because I'm bored with her physically, or if I'm annoyed by our adjustment to living together:

e.g., my wife is a nut about organization and it drives me batty. If I leave the dishsoap out instead of putting it under the sink she complains, I roll my eyes because I've heard it before, she gets annoyed that I'm annoyed, etc. Needless to say, when I go to bed I just want to go to sleep. I have no interest in being physically intimate.

Will that subside, or is it because I'm not attracted to my wife anymore? We've been together for 5 years and she doesn't hold any surprises to me any longer.

I'm pretty confused and discouraged. After 3 months I shouldn't be so uninterested in sex...

[Greendale]

Sorry, but if you're losing interest 'cause of lack of sex and feeling unattracted to her after 5 long years of being with her, you're an idiot and don't know what true love is. Women are not sex toys. If you don't show her love and affection, she's going to start arguments with you and she may request a divorce sooner or later. You're just being a scared pussy. If I was in love with a woman, I'd show her love and support no matter what she looks like. Sounds to me you're just realizing you just married the wrong woman.

[Arodine]

I feel slightly hesitant giving you advice on this as I've neither been married, nor have I been in a relationship as long as you. However, I'll give it a shot anyway but please feel free to ignore it.

I think of marriage rather like christmas in terms of the build up / frenzy before it and the subsequent anti climax afterwards.

I also think of the honeymoon rather like new years eve. Certainly new years eve in my opinion, is like the temporary antidote to the post christmas blues. In other words new years eve is like an extension of the christmas period and it gives you something to look forward to after the christmas excitement.

However after the whole festive season is done and dusted and January rolls on it can (to some people) seem like the start of an uphill battle. A whole year ahead of you and whilst its a fresh start it also makes you come back to reality and think.."what have I got to look forward to this year?". It can seem particularly bad if you put the rose tinted glasses on and reminisce about the good old days gone by.

So i guess what I'm trying to say with this very crude simile is that starting a marriage is rather like starting a new year once all the fuss and bother has faded away. I think that its important that you see it as a new start with equally new and exciting possibilities. Yes the situation has changed and working all the time makes you tired and its difficult to feel excited and enthusiastic about the long road ahead. But really its a case of not getting bogged down with the long term picture and just trying to get as much reward as possible from the smaller short term things, because they are there and you've just got to look for them.

I think flirting would be an example of one of those smaller things in life. A couple I know live too far apart to see each other more than once a week. So what they do through the week during work or whatever, is to send flirty text messages. They don't have to be explicitly sexual, (although I think my friends are) they just have to show that you're thinking about the person and that although sending a text message is just a small thing it can help generate excitement, mystery and desire, which are all elements people experience in the beginning of their relationship and yearn for later on. If you don't have phones then little notes (placed strategically around the house) can help. It doesn't even have to be text it could be anything that shows you are still interested in that person and think about them, however small the gesture is.

Anyway the result for my friends is that they end up having rampant sex by the time they get to see each other because they're so wound up and excited about seeing each other.

Obviously you and your wife live together but its amazing how far apart we can be even when we are at our closest to someone. It just takes a new approach to put yourself back on track. You certainly would have been attracted to your wife previously and there is definitley no reason why you shouldn't again. *

I hope that helps in some way.

All the best

[Ashes]

Don't listen to Greendale man, the whole "If I was you, I'd..." crap is always wrong. Nobody's the same. Greendale doesn't realize that just because you're no longer attracted to her doesn't mean you no longer love her. It's this kind of rigid thinking that ruins couples.

Why would it be impossible to still love a woman that no longer attracts you sexually ? I mean, eternal love and desire ? C'mon ! This is reality, not a fairy tale, things can change.

It's perfectly understandable that she no longer attracts you. you may be a man who needs diversity. Maybe you're just bored with plain, old, regular sex. It has become... everyday stuff. I'm not saying to go see another woman, I'm just saying your girlfriend probably never thought about trying new things and really, the whole foreplay-oral-sex routine CAN get unoriginal after a while.

Things NEED to change. You did good to see it coming and now is the time or never to change. Does she or you have any fantasy you would like to see come true ? Talk with her. It sucks to hear over and over again the whole "Talk, communicate" routine but really, it's the best way. Don't tell her "Darling, you're boring me in bed" but rather, incorporate new audacity. Surprise her. If she doesn't bring new things, then you will and be glad if it's you because you get to choose what you wanna bring new in bed.

Anyway, to me it looks like your couple is heading downward unless one of you does something so if you really think she's worth it, DO something, don't wait for her to decide something, she might never do. It's up to you to improve your sex life and desire.


Good luck !

[demonbuttercup]

This is sort of off topic, but what I don't understand about men (total generalization here), is that if you know there is something simple that she is going to nag you about...everyday... then why not just DO IT!
yeah you think its petty that she bitches about the dishsoap. you know she's gonna bitch, why ruin both of your day's? take the 2 secs to put it back under the sink.

My b/f does the same thing when it comes to hanging up the bathmat. He leaves for work before I get up for school. He takes his shower and when I wake up, the bathmat is crumpled up and damp...lying on the floor. It takes 2 secs to pick it up and hang it on the rack....geeeez. lol

I know you hope we'll just give up and do it ourselves. I read a study about this. Guys get away w/ not doing stuff by their excuses. One is they just don't care, another is they show incompetence in doing housework/yardwork. Ignore it and hope we do it. Do it wrong, so we'll say, "fine Ill do it myself".
Im beginning to see the big picture, LOL.

[WallyLlama]

Perspective. It's always about perspective.

When we're considering a partner we always think he/she hung the moon and is perfect in just about any way. Then we marry them or move in and discover they don't put the soap back in the dish or hang the bath mat right.

The question we never seem to ask ourselves when we see the soap on the counter is, "So what?!" Instead we begin to notice everything our partner does wrong and forget everything he or she does right. We somehow conclude that where the soap and the mat are represents everything that it wrong with the relationship.

Or we somehow conclude that the fact she (or he) nags about where those things are represents everything that is wrong with her.

Occasionally, we might want to slap our own face and ask yet another question. "So why did I marry him/her?"

Yes, people do change after they are married. But their fundamental values and person do not. We need to focus on the person and the qualities that made us want to marry them.

At the same time, learning to live together is a bit of a chore. If you take two headstrong horses and harness them together, they can learn pull together and move much. They learn to accomodate each other and to compensate for each other's weaknesses and strengths. But if they are each pulling against each other, the load stays put. They move the most when they learn to work well in the harness. (There's a subtle point in this analogy. Marriages/relationships with purpose have the highest chance of succeeding.)

Many of our differences are not cases of right or wrong. Society loves organized people, but it's usually the disorganized free spirits who are most inventive and creative.

Leaving the soap on the counter is not wrong. It's just a different way of living. At the same time, putting it back in the dish isn't right. It's just a different way of living. Accept that and start looking at the beauty of your spouse because you were originally attracted her for a thousand reasons - most of which had very little to do with soap and bath mats.

[demonbuttercup]

good point Wally.
I just feel like when you live with someone, you share a space. And you might think its stupid that she/I cares were the soap and mat are. But, we live in that space too. And even if you could care less, you should have respect for our living space as well.
Also, it becomes a power struggle of who will compromise and who will just say "fine, do whatever". Who's willing to give and take.

[WallyLlama]

Actually, I'm a bit of a "neat freak" so it bothers me when the soap isn't in the dish and the mat isn't hung.



But I know (at least in my case LOL) that it's not a conscious effort to screw up my need for order - it's a habit and a different life style. As a result of living with some chaos, I've actually learned that it's okay if I don't always hang up my coat and I MIGHT even learn to enjoy leaving it on the chair back (shudder) overnight.

Your last point is on the mark... it's when we make these things too important and turn it into a power struggle that we drive wedges in the relationship.

[lilly2279]

What women sometimes don't understand about met, or moreover what neatfreaks don't understand about normal people (not necessarying men and women) is that often the normal person doesn't think twice about putting stuff back or putting it away. It's not an evil plot to start your day out with annoyance, it's the fact that they are thinking about the day ahead, getting ready, etc., not thinking about where the soap goes. Both parties need to understand that.

I know when I spend a bunch of time cleaning and making everything perfect, my boyfriend will come behind me an hour or so later when I'm relaxing and start some weird project on the table, get distracted, then walk away from it. I'll sit there staring at his little mess thinking "has he gone brain dead? why hasn't he finished it?" But meanwhile he's in the kitchen making us lunch or something and I know he's not being like that on purpose. If I care so much, I'll go clean it up.

Okay, back to the marriage thing. Yeah, I was married for 10 years, technically. Was separated 3 of those years. When you start to feel like that, it's pretty bad news. But there is an adjustment period. Did you get married then move into a new place together? Did you move into her place, she into yours? Things can get iffy if someone has been on their own so long and is very used to how things are done (her way) and the other is used to doing things his own way. A compromise needs to be met. If it is annoying both of you, then maybe you should just put it back or whatever so you don't have to hear her nag. Or just outright say you don't feel it needs to go under the sink and if she wants it under there to put it away herself.

Bickering over petty stuff will only lead to larger problems in the longrun. Eventually the nice girl at the coffee shop who doesn't nag and ask you to separate your whites from colors and to turn all clothes right side out is going to seem more interesting.

Why did you get married? Do you remember? What attracted you to each other in the beginning? Is it still there? Take her to a nice dinner, away from the house and just spend time being a couple. See how things go. Then go somewhere and talk. Seriously! Tell her what you told us. That the nagging and bickering is making you feel caged and like you are resenting her. Well, actually dont' come out and blame her for nagging. Say something like.. the fact that WE have been bickering so much really bothers me.. can we work through this and try to get along?

And hey, if you're forgetting to put the dishsoap away, that must mean you're washing dishes.... most women would be thrilled if a man would wash the dishes and not say a word about the soap. lol.

[oberon]

As has been said (very well) relationships are about communication and compromise. If there is a problem talk it out and find a solution you can both live with. It really is that simple.

ie: the dishsoap... might I suggest installing a permanent dispencer on the sink (go to Home Depot or Lowe's- I'm sure they can tell you how).