Too much water under the bridge?

[Arodine]

My ex gf and I had been together for approx 18 mths. I met her when I was 25 and she was 18. The first year was quite rocky mainly because of her age and the problems people tend to have at such a young age. During the first year she was definitely keener on me than I was on her. We had many arguments but the dynamics between us and a great sex life really held us together. However the arguments got too much and we split a year into the relationship. We split for approx 3 to 4 mths during which time I realised how much I loved her. As a result of this I became quite depressed, I know that she saw other men and seeing her around only added to my misery.

However we got back together after 3 to 4 mths and lived together. Even though it was quite difficult because I was in the final yr of uni I know that we both felt stronger about each other than we ever did before and loved each other very much.

Because she was not a resident of the UK she went to stay with her family in Australia who she hadn't seem properly for about 3 yrs. She had a 3mth tourist visa and planned to return perhaps sooner than that and on her return we would live together and start a life together. So we both agreed to remain faithful and we did the tearful goodbye at the airport.

However just 2 weeks into her being over there she seemed very cagey and was much less responsive to me over the phone. I quickly realised she had cheated on me. She eventually admitted to this, which hurt me deeply. During the lead up to this she would barely speak to me and put the phone down on me on numerous occassions. Eventually she told me sthat she wanted to stay out there because she loved it and was happy with her family. She said in her own words that being out there "was like being let off the leash". She seemed to be going out all the time and snogging random people.

It turned out that the guy who she saw for just less than a week had cheated on her and that promptly ended. I told her I would forgive her for chaeting if she came back to me and put it all behind us. She said she would think about it and pretty soon afterwards I heard that she was seeing some other guy who incidentally was cheating on his gf of 10 yrs.

As it turned out she could not stay in Oz due to visa problems and had to return. After a week of being back in the Uk she contacted me but because I knew she was still in contact with that guy and because we kept arguing about everything she had done and because I had met other women nothing could be resolved. However she contacted me every week for about 6 weeks and it would always be the same in that it would start ok but soon disintegrate because there was too much water under the bridge.

Juast recently she told me she wants to be with me again and she realises exactly what she has lost. But I feel she is only saying that because she is feeling lonely and would soon forget about me if she was back in Oz. The guy she was seeing is still with his gf and that probably adds to her reality.

It seems very likely that she will return to oz to be with her family and probably pick up with that guy again. However she has said she wants me to go with her but I doubt she will want to wait a further 5 to 6 mths until I finish my course.

She says she wants to see me and try and rekindle our relationship but I don't want to get hurt again if she leaves me again. I do miss her and love her, she is very beautiful and I was very happy with her. I really want it to work but I imagine that the family will be too much for her to be without and therefore I could have my heart broken again.

So I want advice on whether this is worth giving it another shot and whether there has simply been too much water under the bridge for things to be normal again. She say she is willing to wait for me but can't know that until she has seen me again. However the risk I run is that seeing her again and losing her shortly afterwards could make me very depressed and make me screw up my course, whch is very important.

[Cornelius111]

This is really one of those "you have to make the judgement for yourself" kinda things. Nobody here knows the situation or both of you as well as you do. Also, nobody here knows what either of you is really feeling. The best thing you can do is just sit down and think about it for a while. I'd like to tell you what I would do, but honestly I've never quite been in a situation like that. My advice is to think about if you really care about her and if she really cares about you? Are you willing to trust her and believe her? Do you think she's changed? etc. Good luck with your decision.

[BabyBlue]

Right now you need to concentrate on your course; uni is hard enough when everything is going in your favour, that grade, if you do graduate, stays with you your whole life.
If she really cared for you she would respect that, not only that but she would be doing everything she could to support you and to help make your life easier.

You say you feel that she wants to get back with you because she is lonely. If your gut feelings are usually right I would listen to them.

Sorry...probably not what you wanted the hear really.
Good luck

[Rawbob]

I agree with BabyBlue....there is NO DOUBT that you need to focus on your schooling and then getting a job!

There is NO need to compound the difficulty of school and moving into the working world with trying to coddle or deal with the drama of a kid. Yes, i said it - kid!

It is NOT the number of years that separate you (my partner and i are 7 years apart in age) but rather, her age. She's just 19 or 20...and clearly, by her behavior she's not ready for a true long-term relationship.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you WILL find love again.....focus on school and career first!