Open relationship?!

[MoreLikeTheMoon]

Hey everyone...
I just found this site a while ago, and let me say, It's amazing! I just found the messege boards today though. It seemed to be perfect timing because I've got this problem that just happend last wednesday or so.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years, but recently things have been starting to slow down. No good. I've been trying to liven things up, but I don't see any results.
So last wednesday, I snuck a peek in her diary. (Yeah. It was dishonest, but I'm at my wit's end!!) Anyways,
In her last entry, she wrote that she was thinking of telling me that she wanted an open relationship. I don't know what to do. I really love her. I strongly feel that relationships should be committed. Also she wrote that she didn't know if I was "the one" or not. I mean, not a big deal there, because obviously we've only been going out for two years, so who knows right? but still, the open relationship thing bothers me to no end. I don't know if I should confront her about it or If I should try something else?? I don't really think confronting her would be the wisest move, because of how I obtained the info. Anyone's help (specially the women's) would be most welcome.

[married1027]

Hey More, welcome.

I'm not a women but been in your shoes before.

In my humble experience open relationships don't work if one wants a committed one. You start being her friend with benefits the next thing you know she's comming to you for dating advice wondering how to "liven things up" with the other guy.

Best advice I can give is take her out to dinner or something and start talking to her. No DONT mention you looked through her diary unless you think playing hop-scotch through a mine field is a good idea. I don't know your age or specifics about your relationship but have you ever talked about any future plans together, moving in or getting married? Doesn't matter if you are talking 5-6 years away just as long as you are talking. Start her talking about what she wants in the future and work your way back into how she feels about the present.

Be prepared to hear that you are not the one and if she asks for an open relatonship don't get your hopes up about being "the one" in the end. I went out with my first real girlfriend for two years and I thought she was the love of my life. Best thing she ever did for me was meet another guy in an "open relationship" and cut me loose. Otherwise I wouldn't have found my wife!

[BabyBlue]

Hello Moon and welcome

Firstly, don’t ever look through her diary again, it is not fair, and don’t ever mention it because she will never, ever trust you again…I am being absolutely serious.

Diaries to a lot of women are just a tool to allow you to safely express (because not one else is reading it, or should be reading it) every single crazy thought in your head that you would not express out loud with another person for fear of being judged, laughed at, told not to be so stupid or being even completely rejected. *It’s your own make-believe word, where anything goes and it’ doesn’t matter.
You see men tend to work on internal dialogs inside there heads but women work more on external dialogs, that’s why, in general, we talk a hell of a lot more than men and when we feel we cant talk we write diarys.
We don’t even show or allow our nearest and dearest to see what we write, because it is just a tool that we need for ourselves. *These crazy thoughts that we can safely express in a diary, most of the time will come to nothing. *
If she wrote “I get so angry with my sister I could strangle her”, you would not be calling the police or organising protection for her sister would you? *You would know that it is just a thought that she needed to get out of her system in her own safe way. *I am sure that what you read is in the same category, unless she mentions these thoughts to you verbally, you have nothing to worry about, she may have simply been thinking on fantasy terms, even though it looked to you to be quite serious

You have no idea what mood she was in when she wrote what she did either. *I cannot tell you how many times we look back on old entry’s and laugh our heads off to ourselves at what a load of crap we put down.

I agree with married, go out to dinner (think when was the last time you did this?), a long leisurely dinner and have a relationship talk, but don’t point the finger and be prepared to listen….no really listen, one of the biggest complaints of women is that they don’t FEEL listened too. *And accept that things are going to slow down after a couple of years too.

Also try reading “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” by John Gray, it really does help, it gives you a really valuable incite to the opposites sex, and is a hell of a lot better and much more moral than sneaking looks into her diary, as a woman, I am actually distressed for her on that one so please don’t do it again.

[Rawbob]

Greetings and welcome!

Let's get some key questions out of the way:

1) How old are u both?
2) Is this your first Long term relationship?
3) How many other relationships have u both had?

Here's where i'm going with it!

OPEN relationship is not so much about sex, as it is the freedom to see/date other people.

Sounds like she's been thinking alot about her future and what she has and/or hasn't yet done with her life.

now, if she's been dating you for over 2 years and you have been exclusive....and you're thinking about wanting to get more serious.....then you can rest assured that her pulling back from sex is a clear indicator about her feelings. You see, most women equate sex with love...and if she's having 2nd thoughs about wanting to be exclusive with you, then she'd be lying if she was making love to you alot.

If i were you....i would talk to her, but take the inititiave and ask here more open ended questions about where she sees herself in 2 years.

Bottom line, because you peeked in her diary, you know she's thinking about the open relationship..and ya konw what...ti's probablay a done deal...and she's just waiting to find the right situation to spring iton you......now heed this warning!

IF YOU TELL HER U READ HER DIARY, YOU CAN KISS THE RELATIOSHIP GOODBYE..SHE WILL NO LONGER TRUST YOU AND GUESS WHAT? YOU WILL HAVE GIVEN HER THE PERFECT OPPPORTUNITY TO TELL YOU SHE DOSN'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

If i were you, i'd prepare for the worse case scenerio. That way, if she does want an open relatioship and dates a guy or two, and finds out she's better off with you...great..but my gut tells me she's already made up her mind she wants to date more men.....so best get your heart ready now.

[BabyBlue]

I just wanted to comment of a few things the Rawbob brought up

On the whole women do equate sex with love but just because a women is not having sex with you does not mean that she does not love you. *Sex can slow down for lots of reason such as stress, tiredness, undiagnosed illness, medication and probably a few I have missed off. *I get a lot if urinary tract infections which means sex is painful for me at times and is off the cards. *Lack of sex is not necessarily a sign of “pulling back”. * Sex normally slows down over time anyway.

The only thing you can do is create as safe environment where she feels able to open up and tell you everything that is on her mind. *Like I said, what you read might simply be diary talk, it’s not guaranteed that she is ever going to discuss it or even if that is what she truly wants. *

Also by “preparing yourself for the worst” don’t make the mistake of pulling back yourself because she is likely to pick up on that and it could make things worse (well he doesn't seem to care so much about me anyway, maybe I should discuss an open relationship).

Alternatively, and a point that has not been brought up yet, is do you think that she may feel smothered and just needs some space? I don’t know, I am just bounding ideas here.

What you have had from ALL the replies so far are 2 definite pieces of advice

1) Talk to her, about the relationship

2) Keep your mouth shut about reading the diary

[Muppet74]

Write this down...

When you _

figure this out, then when you spend some leisurely time together...maybe she's feeling neglected or... whatever... you CANNOT guess her feelings... this is NOT
"What women want" scenario and you THINK you know what she is thinking or feeling... DO NOT ASSUME

[camman]

people take comfort in thier diarys. I am not trying to be ridicule u but i am saying. WHen u think things to yourself are you always sensable? Or even been thinking what u really Belived . Have u ever said " wow if sara did this i would totally do her" Not saying u would but, have u ever thought it even for a sec. All she would need to do is think it for a sec , even if its not what she really thinks.
Wait till she says somthing to u to act on this info. If u say anything she will see ur desipstion and lie . If she says somthing, then u can go on this info . Plus she might not ever bring it up, then ur the ass who violated her privacy.
i know things are slowing down but there are ups and down in a relationship. Try to show her just how much u love her. GO CRAZY *
renew some of the feeling u both once had. Try to think what has changed since u guys first got together, and try to compinsate.
Anyhows man good luck!