Relationship advice anyone?

[Blue_Valentine]

Hey everyone.. I know this is my first post and all, so I'll start by saying hi.

Hi.

Sorry.. Anyways, the reason I'm writing this is to ask for some relationship advice. Here my dilema:
I've been with my girlfriend now of just over 15 months, and I love her very much. I would pretty much do anything for her. She's also my first girlfriend. Were both 21 and in univeristy.

Things were going great until just before december of the first year, when our sex life kind of trickeled off. I mean, it's not like I wasn't interested, but she was feeling a little depressed, which she said, killed her sex drive. So we didn't have sex until about June of this year.
That wasn't a problem for me, I really wanted to make love, but at the same time, I didn't want to push her into it when she was already feeling depressed. But we spent tons of time together, even though she lives about an hour away during school. And our relationship was going great. We did lots of fun stuff too.
So things seemed to be going great over the summer we spent most of our time together, and she's not depressed anymore. She's been making tons of new friends at school, which has I think, was the source of her problem, since all her friends from before university all went to other places.
But recently, I've just got this feeling that something is wrong. I mean, since school started we've had sex about four times. Also, we never really kiss as much as we used to, and for the most part, such kisses are quick, not those long, passionate ones we used to share (though, the kissing thing has been going on longer than since september) Don't get me wrong, we still share passionate kisses, but not as frequently.
Another thing that worries me is that the past three weeks, we've only seen each other on weekends (as usuall, because of the distance), but we've barely spoken on the phone. I call her all the time, but she's always too busy to talk to me. Granted, she has a ton of school work, but she's also had time to go out with friends, and watch cartoons and stuff. I mean, if she has all this time for other things, why not me?
finally, for a while, she talked to me about marriage, and things like that, but just the other day, I made a comment about how I thought she was The One, and she clammed right up, got really quiet and sounded distant.

I'm basically afraid that she's not in love with me anymore, or that she's not interested in me. What are your opinions??
Sorry about the length of this post too.

[Blue_Valentine]

Oh..

And just to add some stuff.

I'm increasingly feeling like she's pulling away, or becomming distant.
And I'm pretty sure that she still loves me.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to keep her interest/ rekindle the fire?

Thanks!!

[Tessie]

Yes I have some advice and I know it might be difficult but you need to back off right now and give her some more space.

Now lets look at this rationally. You are both only 21 and going to school. She was lonely and now making friends, which is great. She has lots of school work but of course should be allowed to want to spend her time just relaxing and watching a cartoon or hanging out with her new friends.

Things are changing for her. Its different then it was over the Summer when you had so much free time and your relationship was so new and all about discovering each other. So of course the kisses were more passionate and the sex more frequent.

But its been 15 months now and she knows you better and the newness of you two has calmed down. That is natural and normal. Add to that her school and all that involves then you can see how things would change.

Now ask yourself if you are hounding her about this? Calling too much, demanding to be with her or whinning that she isn't with you? Are you making her feel responsible for the relationship not being what you want it to be. That could be to much pressure for her.

If you want this to work then you need to find out how best to make that happen. And that just might mean letting go some and seeing if the relationship can get stronger. Also concentrate on your own life outside of her and see how that feels to you.

Finally welcome to the board. *

[Blue_Valentine]

Thanks for the advice!

I never thought of that for some reason.. I mean, I guess that I assumed she would tell me if she needed space.
I probably was, as much as I hate to admit it.. calling her to much. I never really thought about that either, since last school year we talked just about every night. I just never thought that it should/would be different.

I don't whine that she isn't with me however,
And I don't think that I make her feel responsible for the entire relationship, In fact, sometimes, I'm the one who feels that way. As if I put a lot in, but she doesn't. It's kind of frustrating.
I know that she loves me, I'm just afraid of her drifting away - I'm so ridiculously in love with her.

So, I'll give her space to have her own time. I was wondering one more thing.
When we do spend time together, a lot of it is just hanging out, or studying (which is important), but I want to be more romantic..
What about taking her out on dates (real dates - not just going to see a movie - when you can only talk at the end) or something?

[Edited for grammar]

[Tessie]

Glad I could at least help you look at the problem with new eyes.

Nothing wrong with romantic dates especially ones that let you two be alone to talk and reconnect. Movies are never good date ideas in my opinion. They are good for boredom.

There are tons of ideas for what you can do. I will see if I can find some for you in a while. You got money to spend? Or we talking a limited budget?

[Blue_Valentine]

Just toss 'em out there.. I've got a decent bank balance. I'm not broke by any stretch of the imagination, but at the same time, the words "student budget" come to mind.

[Omega]

-smiles-, blue valentine

I apoligize for the short reply here, lots of studying to do tonight, I'm in college as well.

But I would like you to know that your not alone on this one. When I read your post I felt as if you were describing my relationship exactly. With a few differences, but in essence, it was exactly like mine. It just seemed that once school started everything sort of shot down a couple hundred layers didn't it? Of course, Tessie, being the wise woman that she is gave you excellent advice, (and I thought guys were the ones that were in the opposite situation). But aye, with school, studying, homework and other relationships with her friends begin to take a firm hold. Don't be like me, becoming confused and irritated.

Although, what did catch my attention later in what you said on the thread was about time alone with just the two of you to reconnect. This I believe is incredibly important, unfortunantly it is not an activity that i have had the pleasure of doing with my girl for about a month now, and no doubt it hurts. But it has a been a busy time period for her. All I can say is, try and find a time when she's not busy, plan in advance, and then plan a day with one another with just the two of you. And don't just have sex and stay in bed for the day, don't go watch a movie, go eat lunch, talk, go home, cuddle up and share the happenings and activites of your lives, your thoughts and problems, when evening draws around, take her out to dinner, when you get home, if you do decide to do something intimite then so be it, physical intimiticy is nice and it can bring you two close but make sure you really want to and she does as well, and as always, for the right reasons aye? But really though, it's not necessary, what is important is that during these "alone" times you spend time to reconnect and recap, letting both of you know exactly why you call yourselves a couple. Hope this helps, don't hesitate to ask any questions.

And thanks tessie for your post, I was starting to stress until I read it, and yes your right, if I'm going to take your advice i don't think it's going to be a "oh ok I"ll just do it". But in my mind I do believe you are right, -smiles-.

-wonders where Demonbuttercup and her post with links are-, sorry Demon, couldn't help myself

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Omega @ Nov. 01 2004,19:18)]-wonders where Demonbuttercup and her post with links are-, sorry Demon, couldn't help myself

LOL
sorry to disappoint you Omega
I wasn't sure where to link him too!?!
Im only human you know

[Tessie]

Omega I am glad you got something out of my post. I have learned that men are very sensitive and need as much attention as us girls do. The problem is that not all women find this out so you have let your feelings known without coming across as demanding or too needy.

Now I went looking for dating ideas and there are tons out there. My best advice is to go to google and type in "dating ideas" then start reading and get some inspiration. *

Good luck to you both.

[Blue_Valentine]

Hey.. Thanks everyone for the help... you guys are great!
I was just wondering one more thing...

A little bit ago (before this post) when I was still feeling ignored/ not getting attention 'cause we hadn't talked very much, I told her that I wanted to be able to talk to her, that I knew she was busy and all, but I wanted to be able to talk to her for even just twenty minutes or so, once or twice a week.

She wasn't too talkitive at the time, but she said something like "I didn't realize and I'll keep it in mind"


My idea of what to say was wrong wasn't it?? I mean, It felt stupid as soon as I got her response...

Would I somehow be able to rescind my previous statement? Tell her that I realize she might want some space? I don't want her to think i'm smothering her or something...