Trusting my cheating spouse?

[limfe1]

I have found myself repeatedly lieing to my wife by telling her that I trust her. I check her self phone history and the mileage on the car. I've evn gone as far as to check her underwear for traces of sexual activity. The reason for this behavior is that in the last year and a half she has had sex with two other men. One of them was before we were married and the other was this August after we had just been married five months. I drive myself crazy wondering and doubting but it's so hard to just let everything that has happened between us go. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[demonbuttercup]

Well I don't think I would be so readily to let things go. I mean cheating on you twice is a BIG deal. once is one thing, but twice? What were her reasons for cheating? Has she shown that she is sorry and wanting to stay together?
Maybe you should tell her that you don't really trust her, I mean you have all the reason not too and its her responsibility to try to prove herself and earn your trust back.
Since August have you found any proof to let you believe that she is still cheating on you??

Maybe you guys should seek out some sort of marriage counseling. If your trust issues are never resolved you will never be able to have a real relationship. Thats no way to live your life.

[vagabondprince]

I'd agree with demonbuttercup in that you should express that you do not trust her. having cheated twice, she has given you no reason to trust her. It may hurt her feelings that you don't trust her, but she should have at least a little understanding, considering you are cutting her a little slack after her second time by staying with her.

Like demonbuttercup i'd be interested to know if there was something in particular that provoked her to cheat on you.

[WallyLlama]

Without knowing more of the story...

Well, I think the key is what happened after the 2nd incident. Was it confronted? Did she make promises? Assuming there was some resolution, the problem is no longer with her, really.

You need to ask what the fear is... I'll bet it's not that she will have sex with someone else.

[Rawbob]

I agree with Wally! Having sex with somone only 5 months after saying "I DO" is pretty serious. Can you tell us how you found out and what happend afterward?

[limfe1]

The whole story started at the beginning of last summer. I am an alcoholic. June 9th of last year I decided to get my life back and I went to rehab in Ohio for two weeks. Before I left my wife (fiance at the time) told me she would be there for me. She said I needed to concentrate on getting better. While I was gone we kept in touch on the phone. I was the one always calling though. She told me during one conversation that people in our town were saying things about her and her friend, co-worker Jeff. June 21st was my birthday. Our niece was married on that day also. My wife's friend drove my wife home that night because she was drunk. That was fine until I found out he had slept in my bed. When I returned from Ohio she was constantly going out and partying and she said nothing was happening she was just hanging out with her friends. After one weekend of partying I was doing laundry and found shorts with semen in them. I confronted her and she finally admitted it and told me how sorry she was and how terrible she felt. It happened twice after that until it stopped in September when she had her abortion. After a very rough winter we decided we were ready to get married. I loved her with all my heart but I still felt like something was missing. In August we though she thought we should seperate so she could deal with the abortion because she hadn't gotten over it. I began to question her relationship with her friend Jason. She said they were only friends. We went to a friends wedding later in the month. That was when she told me she slept with him. The next day she told me she was only testing me to see how I would react and they got close but didn't have sex. Two weeks later I was buying another pregnancy test because they did have sex. I get very uneasy whenever she goes out now. Whenever we argue she has conversations with her exhusband and tells me they're just friends. People at her job are talking about her hanging out with another guy at work. I really do love her but I can't take the uncertainty anymore. Our sex life is nonexistent. I wonder if it's because it's going somewhere else. I'm almost ready to walk but we have two beautiful daughters and I don't want to hurt them.

[demonbuttercup]

I don't know, I don't think I could forgive all that. Especially when she was cheating on you while you were in rehab. That's pretty low. You were trying to get your life back, and instead of being there for you, she's with some other guy. So the abortion was from this Jeff guy right??

I kinda think you guys jumped into marriage a little too soon especially after all that had happened and the abortion. But Im not in your shoes, so I can't really say.

Ok, so did she get pregnant by this Jason guy too? You said you were out buying pregnancy tests. And if so, when in the equation did you two have two children? Did you guys have children before you got married??
I mean not only is she having unwanted pregnancies, but she's having unprotected sex. I mean, not to freak you out, but you don't know what kind of STDs she could be bring back home to you. Its very unresponsible on her part.

I know you say you love her, but I don't think I could love someone anymore after they had treated me the way she's treated you. I recently just found out my b/f was "seeing" another girl. They didn't sleep together, apparently...but that was enough for me. I mean if he had, he would've been out the door. If he ever does anything slightly like it again, whether he sleeps w/ them or not... he's gone. I can't deal with the pain and uncertainty as you said. I mean why would you want to put yourself into such a shitty situation when you deserve better. I hope all this hasn't made you resort back to drinking.
I know you want to stay together for your kids, but they would be better off w/ two parents separate than parents that can't stand to be together. That won't work for long.
good luck.

[vagabondprince]

from the rest of the story there, it sounds like you have absolutely no valid reason that you should give her a single inch of your trust. She said she was "just testing you", but lied about that...doesn't sound very honest at all. use your best judgement man, but don't hurt yourself more than you need to.

[Rawbob]

So, let me get this right:
1) you're in recovery for drug/alchohol addition
2) you have 2 children by this woman you just married last year
3) your "wife" has cheating on you with 2 different men (at least)
4) she has lied about not having sex, then lied about having sex
5) Has had an abortion due to sex with another man
6) You've had to have inhome pregnancy tests to determine if she's pregenant

ANd while most of those on this board know i'm full of advice and ideas, this goes WAY beyond simple fixes.

YOu are in a co-dependant, relationship, where one is a pathological liar, with self=esteem issues that she resolves thru sex with others, and you are in recovery from drug/alchohol abuse - which means you're very vulnerable, and looking for somethign to replace the drugs or booze - and right now that seems to be your wife!

You both need to get to counseling ASAP! If you both love your kids as much as you say you do, then you need to invest in professional help.

This is serious stuff..not to be taken lightly! Please, call your rehab friends or United Way and get a referral to a family counseling doctor!

[oberon]

I agree with the rest of the advice... and I'll add:

You mention that you are a recovering alcoholic and also that on one occasion your wife was "drunk" and then that she's "going out and partying". *Now, I realize that you CAN be with someone who still drinks, but it sounds to me like she goes beyond the occasional drink. *That can't be helpful to you. *Add to that ALL the other stuff she's doing and I'd say you need to start thinking more about your (and your kids') own well-being. *

You've got some difficult issues. *You need to find help- maybe through your rehab center- and you need to be with someone that is interested in making a life for you both... not creating problems.

Good luck and take care.