B/F seeing another girl

[demonbuttercup]

Hey guys,
I know Im usually giving advice but this time I need yours. I found out awhile ago that my b/f has an online journal and is private for anyone else to read unless you are a member of this "amatuer" site. The worse thing I thought Id ever read on there was him flirting or whatever w/ girls online. Well last night he left his setting for Windows up. I usually can't get there b/c his setting has a PW. Mine doesn't. I went to his journal and some posts were questions like, what's your fave positions, etc...a few sexual thing. Then I get to this one post (dated 9/24) where he's saying it was the worst day ever. He continues to say he had been seeing this chick for awhile and how she had told him how wonderful he made her feel and then that day she mentioned that she didn't want to get involved w/ him that she liked this other guy Wes, who is one of my b/f's friends from work. He goes to explain how it was such bullshit for her saying that she didn't want to fall in love thats why she dumped him. My b/f talked about how it was 2 knives in his chest, one from her and one from Wes. That he had feelings for her etc.

* Now when I read this I about broke down right then. We had some company over so I just pretended like I didn't see it and went on to bed. This morning at about 530 I woke up and was crying and it woke up my b/f who had came to bed later. I told him what I read and all he could say was he was sorry and that he didn't plan on it to happen. I found out it was some chick from his work that he was seeing for about a month. He said he didn't sleep w/ her. I asked if she knew about me, he said yeah and that he had told her he was confused about some stuff. He said it had came and gone and it was over and I mentioned the fact that it was only over b/c she dumped him for Wes...not b/c of anything he did.

* *My b/f has mentioned to me before and we've discussed this many times the fact that I don't always make him feel wanted sexually b/c I don't iniate sex w/ him. So it makes him feel unwanted. Now this chick dumped him and he feels doubly unwanted. I realize I do this on my part. He feels like I only have sex to appease him. I can't really say I do or don't. Sometimes I can't explain or help the fact that Im not as of a sexual person as he is. He's the type to be very adventurous and probably would rather have a really kinky, slutty type girl but thats not me. The types of girls he looks at on his amatuer site.

*It hasn't always been like this, I don't really remember when it changed. He thinks its b/c he is a little overweight. Hell, Im overweight too. He's the same as he was when we got together. And love isn't an issue b/c I love him so much. I mean if I didn't, this wouldn't hurt so bad. He asked me if I wanted him to leave for awhile, and I couldn't answer. Im not the type of person who can be mean to people. I usually forgive pretty easy which I know is a bad quality to have b/c people can tend to take advantage of you. I can't yell and scream and say "Get the F*ck out!!!" although part of me wants too. I don't want our friends to know b/c they'll say "poor me" and I don"t want sympathy.

* Our situation is weird in that we've lived together for over 3 years. I moved here from AL to live w/ him in FL. I left my family and friends. My life back home has been real *hectic. Since Ive moved here Ive lost 3 grandmothers and one aunt. My cousin who lost his mom, my aunt, is like my bro more than my cousin and he's just spun out of control and Im not there to help. He's married to my best friend from High School and Im not there for her either. They have 2 daughters and Im not there for him. I know I can't save the world but I feel bad for not being there for them. But I chose to move here, I love my b/f and wanted to be w/ him and start a life here. Go to school, etc. I told my b/f its not like I can tell my mom b/c she would be here tomorrow to pack up my shit and take me back to AL. Then my b/f says that she controls to much of my life, but if that was totally true, I never would have left her and moved here. My mom and I are very close. My dad died when I was 12 and his side of the family dissed me so my mom has been all I have for a long time. She loves me unconditionally and sacraficed everything to take care of me. She misses me so much and I miss her. She wants me to move back home after I graduate from college after this next summer. She wants me to get a job there, etc. My b/f has gone up there to visit once, but he's told me he would never move there. Its a smaller town and he's used to us living here in the city. Which I would miss that too, but still. He doesn't have friends or know anyone in AL. The 3 years Ive lived here Ive made friends w/ his friends and friends on my own. I would miss them terribly as well. I guess he's not willing to leave his friends and family to go to AL. He knows that I have days that I wish I was back in AL. which is normal I thought. I mean everyone gets homesick. Especially when things aren't going good back home. I just don't want to miss out on anything else. I missed out on the last few years of my grannies lives, Ive missed seeing my "nieces" grow up. I always imagined myself being the favorite "aunt" even tho Im not there aunt. but they would love me just the same. The older one knows me but the little baby doesn't. I don't want to miss out on any time w/ my mom b/c I know that time is sooo precious. But at the same time I don't want to miss time w/ my b/f and friends here. He's my best friend. I love him so much and I can't imagine not spending a day w/out him or getting to talk to him. He also mentions the fact that we have never really spent a Christmas together. But between school, thats the only time I get to go home and see my family. I see them 2 weeks over the summer and 2 weeks during Christmas. I spend every other holiday w/ him and his parents. I try to do my best.
* * Its like Im just torn between my old life and my new life and I don't know how to cope. I mean Im not a spring chicken anymore. Im 26, I have to get a job, I should already be married w/ a kid. I dunno, is that even what I want out of life? What if I never find anyone else, say if I was to go back home. Would I *be alone forever. Would they love me as much as my b/f and would I have as much fun w/ them as my b/f now. *Its so frustrating!!! I guess I really shouldn't make any rash decisions right now. Im still trying to sort things out. And its not like we can just "take time off". I mean I stuck here. He could stay w/ his parents I guess. I have a lot invested here. We *have another roommate and I would hate to just leave them in the cold. I have finally gotten my school schedule on tract and actually know what Im gonna do and when Ill graduate. Ive changed schools so much. If I changed again Ill be in school another 2 yrs...lol. And I can't handle that. There's like a zillion factors that play in to it. It's the most complicated thing ever.
* Hopefully writing this will help sort some stuff out. I know you guys can't give me an answer, it will ultimately be my decision, but any thoughts or ideas you have would be greatly appreaciated. or if I left anything out lol. Ask away.
Thanks you guys!!!!!

[married1027]

Well, your right about not having any answers. You've made a huge commitment to him and finding out that trust in the one you love may be misplaced is a horrible feeling.

Although it may not help I think you are doing great. I would have it out with him though when you are calm enough. So I wouldn't advise doing anything rash but he has royally screwed himself.

A few thoughts...
You're 26, is there some law down south saying you must be married w/ children? The person you marry is important not how old you are when you do. I thought I was going to be alone forever, so did my wife and every 'single' person I know fears the same thing. As long as you don't want to be alone forever I don't think you will be. Life kinda works that way I think.

I also know about being torn between two worlds. It sucks and all I can say is you have to look at the big picture stuff. Would being married to someone you can't trust be better than searching for one you can? If you went back home would YOU be better off ? Your mom and family love you and want you to be successful and happy. That is the best thing you can do for them.

Anyway, I know I am new here but if you need a guy to vent to I'm here.

[oberon]

First, demonbuttercup, let me say I hate that you are having to go through this. *It really isn't fair... but, I guess, no one promised us fair.

I think this comes down to a trust issue. *Do you think you can really trust your boyfriend not to do this again? *If you can, you- both- need to work on communication. *Maybe with the help of a couples' counsellor. *I believe everyone makes mistakes. *It's how we deal with those mistakes that make us the people we are. *It might also help to work out more of a compromise when it comes to what you want vs. what he wants. *If *your family is that important to you, then he should be willing to work with you so you don't feel like you are the only one giving up stuff for the relationship.

If you don't feel like you can still trust him, I'd say you are better off finding someone new. *Trust me, I believe you will. *Twenty-six is hardly an old maid...lol. * I have some Canadian friends who are just horrified by the idea that Americans (particularly southern Americans) feel the need to marry before they are thirty. *They feel you should live a little first...lol. * If you do choose this option of leaving him and eventually going home to AL, maybe you can find someone who shares more of the same values that you do. *

Whatever happens, you have my best wishes and prayers. *I hope everything works out for the best... even if it doesn't seem that way at first. *Remember, we are always here if you need to vent, rant, or just a shoulder.

Take care.

[demonbuttercup]

thanx you guys I appreciate it...i know you can't really answer the question for me, but it always helps to vent and get a new perspective.
we are trying to work things out
we had a long talk this morning and tonight when I got home from school
he's been beating himself up real bad. and said he would do anything to make things right
so we'll see
I told him trust was a fragile thing. easily broken but hard to get back. last night all he could say was he was sorry. then tonight we were talking and after awhile he jsut started crying which he usually doesn't do. he was saying how he was stupid and didn't deserve me. I know its easy to fall right back in but I am gonna take it slow. Its hard since we live together and such but Im gonna try and so is he.

Thanks again and Ill be sure to let you know what happens. and if something goes bad you guys can come and kick his ass lol.
and then ill call up your canadian friends...lol.

[oberon]

I have a nice pair of pointed-toed cowboy boots.

[Tessie]

(((((hugs))))) Girl friend! Oh the joy of relationships. They are never easy and require a lot of work. Its good he feels bad for what he did. Now you have to decide if you can forgive him and move on.

I wish you all the luck.

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

*whispers to demon*


"I'm Canadian"


hehe..


Jamie

[demonbuttercup]

LOL
Lady

[sssyjackson]

okay, so i may be a little late to reply to this one BUT:

I'm only 20, so I don't know if you can take my advice seriously....But, I digress: I've been dating the same guy for about two and a half years now and we have a great relationship...now.

A few months back he broke up with me because he wanted to explore new avenues with this other girl he had met trough one of his friends and hew knew he would do it anyway (whether we were together or not) and decided it was best just to dump me. Okay, sucko. That really hurt and I don't think I'll ever be able to convey how much to him.

Well, they ended up going on just one date (wihout even so much as a goodnight kiss) before he realized that he had made a mistake, much like your man regretting whatever it was that he had with his co worker.

Long story short, we didn't get back together right away because he didn't feel that he deserved me (which he still doesn't!! haha ). But eventually, one night he came to me and cried and yada yada and we decided to give it another go.

Well, that was 7 months ago, and tough in the months immediately following our reunion I had several trust issues, that has pretty much resolved. We never really discussed it enough for me and one night I brought it up. He gladly answered all of my questions and told me how much I meant to him and since then it's been much easier to let go of the anger that I had towards him. To date, we're happier than we ever were before and I feel wonderful about it!

Bottom line: It's completely possible for this relationship of yours to work out and be beautiful. And I know it sounds cliche, but the only thing that's gonna get you through feelings of mistrust is comminucation. And don't be shy about asking him for reassurance about how he feels about the situation between you two every once in a while. That's the clincher for me: constant reassurance that we are exactly where we want to be.

Anyway, best of luck!! Hopefully you'll have most fo these things sorted out before reading this post!!!

[sssyjackson]

don't mean to double post, just wanted to let everyone know that I'm sorry for my diarrhea fingers!

What can I say? I was never required to take keyboarding!