girlfiends sexual history

[learningmore]

My girlfriend, of about two years, and I have had several discussions about her past. *They usually do not end well. *I would like to hear from some other members who may have similar situations and how you feel about, deal with, a significant others past activities.

The main problem I have is a feeling of being deceived... *Whenever the subject comes up the answers I get are vauge at best. *Over time I am learing more things about her and am not sure how I feel about them.

She is a very pretty girl and has a high sex drive. *She has told me that she has had one night stands, has met guys at bars and gone home with them and either slept with them or had oral. *Most of her relationships have been 6 months or less. *She tends to have sex with someone soon after meeting them, sometimes on the 1st date. *I would have to guess that she has been with 20-30 guys.

She tells me this is normal behavior for a girl her age, she's 28. *And that most all of her friends have done these thing too. *I have viewed the polls on this site and I know there are people in this range of partners, but not sure of the age range or situations.

I disagree with this kind of behavior and have not done these things in my own past. *I usually find myself in long-term committed relationships. *I have had ten partners, I am 31.

Am I making a big deal about her past, and wanting to know what she has done? *Is it none of my business?

It is not a question of trust, I do not feel she whould ever cheat. *I am just trying to understand if girls are having more casual sex these days and not thinking it's a big deal.

She says we just have to agree to disagree on the topic of casual sex. *She does not regret anything she has done and enjoyed all the times she has hooked-up.

[demonbuttercup]

Well apparently she has changed her ways since she has been with you for 2 years.
I don't think you should let it bother you, we all have pasts. some we regret, some we don't, either way they can't be changed.
What attracted you to her in the first place? Did you guys have sex fairly early in the relationship? If so, did you think bad about her then?

Maybe she isn't revealing a lot about her past because she knows deep down you are judging her and thinking she is "trampy"..etc. and she loves you and doesn't want you to think of her in that way, I dunno?

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. What if she reveals EVERYTHING and then you can't look or think of her in the same way. Then you've ruined what couldve been a great relationship on things that happened that neither of you can change. Im sure its true that some young women think casual sex is ok and is becoming more common. Like she said, you should just agree to disagree.

Also check out this link on sexual history from a guy who was pretty much in the same situation. There are already a lot of replies to check out along w/ his conclusion on things.

[oberon]

I'm not sure I see the issue here... you say you like her, you know she has a past (most of us do), you say she would NEVER cheat on you... so does it matter what she did in the past? She can't change it now, even if she wanted to. She is who she is and that is the girl you have been with for two years. I'd say quit worrying about the past and enjoy the present and future.

[soulmates82]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (learningmore @ Oct. 13 2004,08:23)]My girlfriend, of about two years, and I have had several discussions about her past. *They usually do not end well......

.....The main problem I have is a feeling of being deceived... *Whenever the subject comes up the answers I get are vauge at best. *Over time I am learing more things about her and am not sure how I feel about them.


....Am I making a big deal about her past, and wanting to know what she has done? *Is it none of my business?

......She says we just have to agree to disagree on the topic of casual sex. *She does not regret anything she has done and enjoyed all the times she has hooked-up.

hmmm hmmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm - very topical subject around here as of late too. we've been together bit shy of 23 years. up until about a year ago the only thing we knew about either of our pasts was we'd both been married before.

too long a story to explain the hows and whys of it - cut to the chase version, the past and all it's ghosts and skeltons and stupidity, and recklessness are out of the bag now, scattered all over and wrecking havoc and - let me tell you it has been one he** of a year!!!

we yelled, we screamed, we cried, we laughed, all but about killed eachother, almost left eachother, never hated eachother worse, never loved eachother more....

ask me now if id ever suggest telling your mate about your past or asking them about theirs - only advice i can give is if you ask your mate a question and let me repeat that - if YOU ASK your mate a question, you CAN NOT make an issue out of their answer. you asked a specific question because you wanted an honest answer, like it or not you got what you asked for.

if mate feels the necessity to air their dirty laundry out in front of yu, bummer, real bummer. but you have got to remember it is the story of their life and they have chosen to tell it to you so sorry to say you just gotta sit and listen until they are done. keep reminding yourself it is NOT your story, you did NOT play a part in it, did NOT direct it, did NOT have any influence in it, have NO right to critize how they did what they did and have NO right to give instructions on how you would have done things.
you have our sympathy for having to endure the tales your gal flung at yu. wish she could have toned it down some for sake of those might possibly be offended but she didnt.
i think you have heard enough dont you? is it really necessary to keep asking her to throw more mud your way? if you're the kind of person gotta fight fire with fire by all means go on and start slinging mud back at her and show her what it feels like.
i think you are a far beter person than that. doubt it is even in your nature to think about throwing low punches.
issue with her for having been so cruel towards you. issue with her for being so hateful of you, isue with her for the vindictiveness she showed you...
issue with her about how she treated you, how she made you feel, how she so carelessly stomped all over yu without a care for your feelings.... do not issue with the content of her story. past is over and done and cant be rewritten. her past got her here today. deal with the present.
hang in there only as long as you feel it is worth fighting to hang on. if what you know has changed the amount of value once was placed - no harm not to stay and fight and put up with things that arent important to you anymore.
keep in touch cuz we're here if yu need us. no - really. we mean it, shoulderd to cry on, unbias punching bag to vent on, sounding board for reasoning...
we're all here for yu, holler if yu need us.

[WallyLlama]

Wow, some of the replying gives evidence to one of my theories:

"Don't ask a question if you're fairly sure you're not going to like the answer."

To the original post, my reply is "Yes, you are making a big deal out of her past."

You've reported that discussions about her past do not end well.

If there is a point to continuing on the path you're on, I do not see it. (I don't quite buy the explanation you are simply doing research. If that's the case, read the polls and leave her alone. She's not statistically important to the theory.)

A great many relationships are well preserved and maintained by the pronouncement she's offered that it's time to agree to disagree. I'd say "take her advice" and decide why this is such an important issue to you - and what the issue is, her past or some social theory about casual sex.

[Ringo]

The past is the past mate. Concentrate on the present and enjoy it for what it is.

Cheers,

Ringo

[eDJ]

For young guys it can be an issue, some of it stems from the values he was taught by parents etc. Sure they wish to protect their son from STD's or AIDS in a time when they are
abundant. Many women value their sons more than daughters it seems(I could be wrong) and don't wish to have any little floozies around him as they're sure she will ruin his life in any of several classic ways.

When guys are first getting into dating and relationships(usually before late twenties) they feel the girls have more experience than they do. Until they gain some experience, have their first love or two or three and begin to gain some
experience and self confidence.....they may feel insecure with more experienced girls. Many seek virgins(ever notice this phenomenon) even if they have had several girls and still seek one for a wife. Yet other guys become secure with themselves and don't mind being with a girl who has been around some too.

It has been my experience(probably in part by the part of the world I live in and grew up in) that the guys don't develop the early social skills as the girls, they don't learn to dance, aren't as likely to understand the art of flirting and thus resort to a
macho posture to hide the inner void of inexperience. They surmise the worst of a girlfriend when she wishes to keep the
relationship at the "friends" level, or "date other people" stage.

Many young girls go boy crazy and even become quite promiscuous by 14. The boys who are younger may be noticing these girls when they are 11 or 12 and talking among themselves about them. It tends to set some trends in their thinking about girls nature to run around. Most of the boys have their moms threatening them that they had better never
go there,(with these kind of girls) while pointing out unfortunate younger couples or single moms who did and are now paying the price.

Boys can impregnate girls easily enough but girls have some
things they can work to their advantage with that on the boys. If they are having sex together she can test him by stataing she is missing her period.(to see if he runs) She can feign she may be pregnant. (just examples) All of which the guys are defenceless against. If she wants to see other guys
and have sex with them too and she comes up pregnant....a judge may assign all the boys to pay child support. So the guys wondering about the girls sexual nature is not unfounded.

By the time guys and gals are legal adults of 21 or above they will understand that most have had sex with a few others. At this time most of the girls are ready to get serious to be married and start a family and give up the playing around, but the guys are just getting going with the new car they always wanted, a job which is paying some real wages, etc. Will the girl who thinks having a baby will settle him down, wind up setting herself up to become a single mom? She may need to look at the guys sexual nature/history and circumstances before thinking of a committed relationship too.

I've read where the average girl has 5 sex partners before settling down and the average guy has 15.

I think it is wise to qualify a serious love interest. If you are just dating and having fun it is different.(just use protection)
The idea of this dating and courting is to find someone you could spend your life with. Long distance telephone relationships generally get expensive and aren't productive for either person. I did my share of it. I also choose to find someone from a short geographic distance from me...outside my small town.(that way the neighbors, old gossips, and everyone else doesn't know "the dirt" on both of us)

One of my girlfriends folks had told her that if she must.....go out of town for sex. That all cats are black after dark. LOL!
They knew she was old enough and would have needs, but
wanted her to consider not messing up in the place where she lived where the "nosie rosie's & old gossipy men" would take notes on it.

eDJ

[vagabondprince]

i'm going to say one thing that i was told when i found out about my girlfriend's past and started to worry about it:

Her past is not necessarily her present or her future.
Like you said, she'd never cheat on you (from personal experience i'd never say never) so at the moment you don't have anything to worry about. If she starts to worry that stepping into a more serious relationship was the wrong move, i'd recommend just going with the flow for the most part and don't push too hard about having your way completely. I will however say that you should keep your convictions, like if you say you want an exclusive relationship and she suggests you two might try dating other people as an aside to your relationship, stand your ground as best you can. I had bad experiences over the summer with my girlfriend because a serious relationship scared her. I had been the first person she had seriously dated. like your girlfriend she had only had "flings" before. but other than wanting to not be exclusive for part of last year and sleeping with one other guy over the summer while we were on a break, there hasn't been anything, and we've both been happy being exclusive for the last two months now

I gave you a pessimistic worst case scenario, but it's stuff to watch out for. Wish you all the luck

[WallyLlama]

Excellent point, Prince!

We do tend to carry around a lot of emotional baggage as a result of past experience. Experience is a reference point, but it is not necessarily a predictor.

We also become close-minded when we impose our values on the selection process of a partner, particularly when it relates to his or her past. That is, of course, our right, but it surely narrows down the selection field! :-)

Another factor is that our values often change throughout our life and we ought to be looking for a partner who we can change with (and him or her with us). Life doesn't come with a guarantee and neither will your partner.

There are plenty of stories of an "always faithful" partner suddenly running off with another person. There are also stories like the one I recently heard of a guy who suddenly found himself with a 90% change he would only live for one hour. Needless to say it changed him and his life (he got the 10%). But his wife didn't leave him because he changed.

The beauty of life is that we are always becoming...

[territries]

I was wondering, how many guys does a girl get to sleep with before guys think she's a slut? Can I sleep with 10 guys by the age of 31 and still be respectable, or is that to many?

You state you have had 10 serious relationships. That seems like a lot to me and still be single. That seems to indicate a fear of commitment? I don't understand why your gf's past is an issue now after 2 years together. Is it possible that your starting to look for a reason to terminate the relationship?