I Cheated

[PennyCarson]

Hi. I am new to the board. I don't expect much sympathy on this one. I did something very wrong. I am ashamed. Now, I don't know where to turn and who to ask. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years. We're talking marriage. He treats me very well. I am happy. I never cheated . . . until recently. His friend hit on me recently. I resisted at first. But he was persistent. Eventually, I couldn't resist. He seduced me. I was weak. It was spontaneous. We weren't supposed to be alone. My bf, the friend and I were supposed to meet at my apartment before a party. But after the friend got their, my bf called and said he was running late and he would meet us at the party. That's when the friend came onto me. The worst part was going to the party afterwards and facing my bf. The friend called me during the week and asked me to come over, but I said no. It was definately a one time thing. Still, I feel very guilty. Here are my questions:
1. Should I confess. My bf does not know.
2. How do I do it? I can't really claim innocence and blame entirely the friend. I was guilty too.
3. I am troubled because I did enjoy it. Is that odd. Even though I feel guilty, I do feel a little flattered. Is that odd?
4. Friend doesn't seem to feel bad. Is that odd?
5. I am very ashamed. I've always been the good-girl. I don't know what came over me. What made me do such a thing.

Thank you.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (PennyCarson @ Oct. 07 2004,21:33)]I don't expect much sympathy on this one. I did something very wrong. I am ashamed. Now, I don't know *where to turn and who to ask.

Don't ask for punishment.

1. Statistically, I think you'll find confession does more harm than good. Most people confess as a misdirected attempt to make their guilt go away and all they really do is transfer the pain to their partner.

2. See #1.

3. No, it's not odd at all... you're a woman, a human being with feelings and physical desires and needs.

4. No, see #3 and change "woman" to "man."

5. See #3.

Now I'm quite sure there are others who will post much more lengthy replies... and perhaps extoll the virtues of faithfulness and loyalty... point out that his friend isn't exactly his friend... but there are times when it pays to boil things down to basics.

You can beat yourself up over what happened and become miserable, guilt-laden, and let it destroy you and your relationship. Or you can figure out what it takes to get past it.

Frankly, I'd say the biggest unknown is what the friend is going to do... he's got options, including "blackmailing" you into meeting him again, etc. He also might "tell" thinking he is protecting his friend.

You need a plan, my Dear. Don't make the plan about guilt. Make it about damage control: damage to yourself and to everyone involved. I'd start with the friend since he's the unknown.

You do need to have some conversation with yourself as well. The question is whether or not you are ready for marriage if you are that easily seduced. What you did was not a capital offense and you're not going to jail... you just need to deal with it and learn from it. You may have to redefine what it means to be a "good girl." Just remember, it's your definition that counts.

So I'm not giving you much sympathy, you made a decision and now you have to deal with it. I'm not beating you up either... you are doing enough of that for both of us. :-)

[shy_girl8191]

Well, secrets, especially ones of this nature have a nasty way of coming out when you least expect it. I happen to hold to the opinion that your boyfriend has a right to know what happened. ESPECIALLY if you two are talking marriage. I mean, look at it this way, would you want to know BEFORE you marry him if he had ever cheated on you? I know I would. You can try the damage control route, but I'm afraid that will only lead to more deception. You can't make this other guy keep quiet. If he is going to tell his friend, there is nothing you can do. And I don't think it would sit well with your boyfriend that you told him only to avoid his friend telling him first.

[soulmates82]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (PennyCarson @ Oct. 07 2004,21:33)].........











1. Should I confess. My bf does not know.
2. How do I do it? I can't really claim innocence and blame entirely the friend. *I was guilty too.
3. I am troubled because I did enjoy it. Is that odd. Even though I feel guilty, I do feel a little flattered. Is that odd?
4. Friend doesn't seem to feel bad. Is that odd?
5. I am very ashamed. I've always been the good-girl. I don't know what came over me. What made me do such a thing.

i feel your pain cuz i got into the same sort of mess once myself.

way i answered your questions:

1 - i told him

2 - i blame no one but myself.

3 - isnt odd to have enjoyed it and isnt odd to feel flattered

4 - friend is no friend at all. how he feels about what he did or how he deals with this is his decision

5 - i needed to feel like somebody cared for me. the relationship i was in wasnt satisfying my need to feel i was special and loved and .... had nothing to do with sexual needs and everything to do with my emotional needs.

when you have everything you need in your own back yard you dont go looking over the fence to find the things your missing

there is absolutely no one, no amount of money, no tempation in the world that could lure me away from the mate i got now. i dont need the things i may lack bad enough to give up everything i have in him. im flatted with the attention of others cuz it tickles me to no end that they are envious of my mate cuz he's the lucky duck whos got me.

i got a bad vibe about how things just happened to fall into place for this to all happen - like it was some kind of a, oh i hate to say this, some kind of a set up. bf wanted to see how you would handle it, scummy friend just chomping at the bit for the chance....

fess up honey. you made one mistake already. dont add lying, and deceiving, and covering your tracks, and pleading the devil made yu do it,.... only gonna make things worse.
point blank, bottom line and no doubt about it, you are guilty of this and what you have done is between you and your bf. no easy way to tell him cuz cant really soften this blow once it lands. straight out just the facts, honey i cheated on you with so and so. dont embelish the details and go running your mouth saying things only gonna get you in more trouble. dont make excuses, dont blame his friend, dont stick up for his friend. let bf deal with his friend and stay out of it - that's between the two of them to handle.
i cant tell you how things will all work out but sorry to say you should have thought about the possible consequences beforehand.
think about how you would react if the shoe were on the other foot. how would you be feeling and thinking if bf cheated on you. you were a big enough girl to do the crime, time now you're gonna have to pay your dues
my thoughts are with you and remember we're here whenever you need us.

[oberon]

I'd say your biggest worry is how this "friend" is going to respond. *If he lack enough conscience to seduce his friend's girlfriend, will he balk at telling your boyfriend, "I @#$$ed your girlfriend"? *

Tough situation. *If this had been a random stranger, I'd say let it slide and just don't say anything. *But this? *Will it hurt your boyfriend more coming from you, or from his "friend"? (Incidentally, I agree that this guy is no "friend".) *

Personally, I'd favor the coming clean approach. *Let's face it... there's a good chance this is the end of the relationship, but it's not a certainty. *You do need to consider if you are still interested in continuing the relationship... especially since you're talking marriage. *That you could give in to this makes me wonder...

Does this make you are bad person? *Of course, not. *Everyone makes mistakes. *It's how we deal with those mistakes that make us who we are. *You have to make decisions that *you can live with. *Whatever happens, learn from this, and then put it behind you.

Good luck and take care.

[PennyCarson]

Thanks for all the replies. I am obviously disappointed with myself. I do love my bf. And he treats me very well. I think that I did this because of lust. We were alone, couldn't get caught and I was weak. It was spontaneous. A snap decision. A bad decision. Now I have to live with it. I don't think the friend will be a problem. He promised not to say anything. We've seen him several times. He's acting as if nothing happened. I can't really avoid him because he is one of my bf's good friends. My bf has no idea what happened. Maybe I can keep it under wraps.

[soulmates82]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (PennyCarson @ Oct. 16 2004,20:47)]....I can't really avoid him because he is one of my bf's good friends.....

nope. wrong. couldn't be further from the truth. *friends don't screw around with their friends gf. *friends respect their friends, friends look out for each other and stick up for each other and protect each other. *friends do not cheat their friends, friends do not steal from their friends.....
bet your bf trusts this guy doesnt he? *you say your bf and him are really good friends? *this guy deceives his really good friends! he told you he wont say anything and YOU believe him? *you trust his word on that??? * gave you his word of honor on that did he? *you have to HAVE honor to do that? *this guy doesnt even know the meaning of the word. *
friends like him who needs enemies? *your bf doesnt need this kind of friend, you dont need this kind of friend.... *watch your back, watch your bf back, dont trust him alone in your house, dont loan him $$$$ dont loan him your car.... or better yet, just get this jerk out of your lives!!!!

oops see below

[soulmates82]

oops - i got my reply mixed in with the quote. then should have said "see above".... sorry for my mixup

[WallyLlama]

Lust... passion... desire... is powerful. IMHO, we are too quick to judge people who are "overcome" by it. Sometimes we are so focused on controlling it, we actually lose the ability to fully enjoy and appreciate it.

I'm not saying that to "justify" what happened; only to say that the conclusion you've reached is, it seems to me, healthy. You've come to understand the power of passion, now put it to good use. :-D

[territries]

I'm afraid I agree with soulmates82.
The "friend" can not be trusted and isn't really a friend worth having by you or your bf.

I must conclude that your bf does not meet all your physical and/or emotional needs or you wouldn't have cheated on him. Marriage is the last thing you should be considering. As I see it, one of three scenarios is likely to play out.

1) You tell him. He breaks up with you. He drops the friend.
2) You break up with him without telling him.
3) You keep it under wraps. At some time in the future, the
secret is revealed. He breaks up/divorces you. He drops
the friend. Maybe you end up a single mom.

I thought about adding option 4..."the secret is kept and everyone lives happily everafter". It just doesn't seem realistic. Your actions demonstrate you are not ready to commit to one person even if the secret stays under wraps. Also, don't kid yourself into thinking that if you confess he will forgive and forget. Forgive maybe, forget impossible. It will forever strain your relationship.

Based on the very little I know about you, I'm pretty well convinced option 3 is the most likely. For your own sake and
your bf's sake, I hope I'm wrong and you choose option 1 or 2.