sex and depression/grief

[honey pot]

Hi, this is my first post on here, but you all look friendly enough and I hope that someone might be able to help me. I have been with my partner for almost nine years, and we have a young child. We always had a great sex life, and if anything he had a higher sex drive than me at the beginning. However, a couple of years ago, he lost a parent and since then he has not really recovered and come through his grief and depression. He still does all of the usual stuff - you know, goes to work, takes care of the garden, plays with the baby, but he seems to have shut down emotionally. I love him very much, but I don't know how to help him. He was always a very expressive person, but now he doesn't want to talk about the important stuff anymore, and snaps at me if I try to. I know that he is tired, and I am starting to feel the same way. I have suggested the doc, or maybe a counsellor ( a couple of other major events have knocked him as well as losing his mom), but he tells me that it just shows that I have no idea how he feels and makes me feel like an insensitive fool. Now for the selfish bit. I feel like I need more from him than he can give me, emotionally and sexually. I crave the closeness that comes with making love, or even just kissing and cuddling. He said that he feels guilty when he feels pleasure, so he avoids it. It has got to the stage where I just don't have the confidence to instigate closeness, or kiss him because I feel as if he will wish that I hadn't and have to brush me off, making both of us feel worse. I know that he loves me, and I love him totally. But I just feel at a loss, and now he isn't talking to me because I cracked last night and told him how isolated and lonely I feel without any phsyical affection. I have ended up feeling shallow and selfish, as if I have added an extra burden. I can deal with it most of the time, but you know how it is - sometimes when you really, really want nothing more than to make love *and be loved back by the person you adore? I tried to instigate it last night and he said no, which made me cry and started the whole stupid row. I just wish that I had kept my mouth shut in the fisrt place, Any advice would be welcome, I feel a little lost to be honest.

[demonbuttercup]

I dont think that you suggesting a counselor was wrong. And if he then said that you know nothing about how he feels, then he should have elaborated. I mean unless you have lost a parent, you CAN'T really know how he feels and he shouldn't punish you for not knowing.

This happened to my cousin and his wife. He lost his mom suddenly and became w/drawn. She couldn't relate to how he was feeling b/c she had both her parents and it was like he was jealous or resented her for having her mom and he didn't. I lost my dad when I was 12 so we were able to talk about it a little better but still, losing a dad is different than losing your mom.

A couple of years is a long time for him to be dealing w/ this. I know mourning is different for everyone but that is a long time. you don't really get over it, you just learn to deal w/ it and not let the sadness consume your life. there are other things to be happy about, especially since he has a wife and child. he should be concentrating on you 2.

Im not sure exactly how you should approach this but know you are not alone and that you aren't to blame. Try not to feel selfish for wanting him to love you, there is nothing wrong w/ that. Maybe you could see a counselor and they could give you better advice and then you and him could go together. So it would be more of a marriage counselor thing than a "him dealing w/ depression" thing.

[soulmates82]

good idea suggested above for you to seek counseling of some sort on your own. be better for him to go too and for you both to go together but meanwhile just go for yourself. he is not intentionally shutting you out as to be mean to you or inflict pain on you so you feel his ... dont take it personal and dont let his lack of sexual excitement and his lack of desire to be intimate with you get to you. he loves you in the worst way and like they say you always hurt the one you love - he cant 'take things out" on anyone except you right now. keep your chin up and keep making him feel loved and keep trying to be intimate but dont make too big an issue of it if he declines your offer. get some counseling - dont push him into it but keep trying to get him into counseling as well. perhaps grief counseling group sessions where he can see his feelings are normal and see how others are coping.....
keep in touch and let us know how things are going

[oberon]

Great advice so far. I'll add that I don't think you are either selfish or insensitive. What he is going through is awful, but you still have feelings and needs as well.

The counselling idea is good. Since he won't take that step, you need support from somewhere- someone who specializes in grief counselling. Hopefully, with patience and work on your part, and eventually, work on HIS part, your marriage will be more wonderful than it was before.

Good luck and take care.

[honey pot]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Things are a little better today - we are talking again now after a difficult day yesterday. I have considered going to see a councellor myself, I will look into it, but I am not sure how he would feel about me going. Should I not tell him? I know that it is totally not his fault, and he wouldn't deliberately upset me. He just doesn't have it to give at the moment. I do feel as if I wish that I hadn't said anything. as it wil be in his mind now that I am dissatisfied and that may add pressure that he doesn't need. Thanks again for your advice guys.

[soulmates82]

why wouldn't you tell him? you need to do this for yourself. if you were physically ill he'd want you to see a doc to help you get well. he may be angry for a bit but have to take care of yourself just the same. not telling him will make things worse in the long run he's gonna find out... you go no matter what he says cuz you are doing this for yourself and for the betterment of your relationship.
i'd stop and really take issue with you for even thinking of not telling him - this or anything - just cant have secrets from eachother. dont be sneeky and do things you have to hide. if you feel like you have to sneek around and hide what you do becuz you know he doesnt want you to either just dont do it at all or plain and simple be up front and open and say you know he doesnt approve but you chooose to to it anyway or just dont do it at all cuz he doesnt want you to.
remember that you are both living breathing human beings with a mind of your own and stuff you need to do and things you need to take care of - take care of yourself and do what YOU have to do for yourself.

[Rawbob]

Hi:

First let me add my welcome to those who've already posted. This IS the place to post such questions, if for nothing else, support.....and that is where i want to focus my response.

You did the right thing by asking him to consider some sort of counseling. From using anti-depressants (on a limited basis), to individual or group counseling - that really is a good way to go.

However, I do know how he feels, and understand his reluctance to do so - mostly because he already feels guilty about the loss and so going to a total stranger and talking about it can almost feel like compounding the guilt.

But, as i said in my first paragraph, there is an alternative - informal support. What is this? It's getting info/websites, books in front of your husband on a subtle basis.
To me, the most crucial thing u can do is get him info that will give him the feeling that "I AM NOT ALONE."

Every person who struggles with depression and stress feels that only THEY know how theyfeel, and NO ONE can understand what they are going thru...when in reality, there are alot of people who have, are and DO understand.

So, from buying books and reading them and leaving them around the house, to printing out articles on how to deal with depression related to losing a parent, to how to deal with depression ....you can help by letting HIM see there IS help, and there ARE folks who have gone through the same thing as him...... without directly confronting him and making him face the emotions he's trying to repress.

There's no doubt that one of the biggest libido killers is stress and depression. So, i think you really just have to hunker down and just keep telling him how much u love him, support him and will be there for him - consider this: Right now his inner voice is telling him that people he love are going to leave him (in this case thru death).....so part of this is a subconscious-driven behaviour to see if you, and others he loves will leave him when things get tough.

Now, for you, the same research you can do for him, will also give you insight and contacts/support groups of SPOUSES of those dealing with depression.....they will help you too! Reach out to other wives and see if you can chat online or maybe even find a local gal who can join u for coffee!

Hope all this helps..and I hope the best for you....HANG IN THERE! TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!