Boyfriend's lack of sex drive

[lilly2279]

Okay, I've been in a relationship now with the most wonderful boyfriend in the world now, for a little over 3 months and I already have a problem now.

He has like NOOOO sex drive. Here is the lowdown.. He's 36, not a regular drug user or drinker (we have smoken pot before on occasion and he drinks every now and then - not into oblivion or anything) He's physically fit, with a nice body (which makes it all the worse, although he thinks he has a big belly and I think he's beautiful!) He does have high blood pressure, which I nag him about getting back to the doctor about. I don't know of any other medical condition and really don't think that would contribute to sex drive?

Well we barely ever have sex. I absolutely love to have sex. I love to play with tools (He's not real cool with the toy thing, unfortunately, either) and have just fun sex! We have had real actual sex about 2 times and mutual oral sex about 3 times. Woo hoo. That's been in like 3 months. We haven't had sex in like a month now.

Yes, I have talked to him first to find out what the deal is. I asked if he perhaps does not find me attractive. He says he thinks I'm beautiful. He says he doesn't really have much of a sex drive. He says he loves me and he is very sweet to me. Very affectionate. Always gives me kisses, rubs my back, holds my hand, is very attentive and helps me around the house and does all kinds of stuff for me (as I do for him).

Has anyone ever heard of this with a guy? And what can be done?? It sucks. I would like to have sex about twice a week, that would be nice. But the last time I mentioned the fact that we hardly ever do it, he did try later that night. But I didn't feel into it because I knew he was just doing it to please me, so I told him to stop and just cried and felt like an ass.

He is the perfect boyfriend besides this! I know he doesn't cheat because we are together all the time and I just don't think he's the type. What can I do??

Wahhhh. It makes a girl feel very unattractive when her boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her on a regular basis. And I am not much of an initiator. I have kissed him and started roaming hands, but he usually just laughs and nothing transpires. And if I know he's not "in the mood" anyway, what's the point?

[oberon]

Hmmm... I hate to answer with a question, but..

You say he admits he has a low sex drive. Is he willing to do anything to try and change that?

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (lilly2279 @ Oct. 01 2004,06:07)]I would like to have sex about twice a week, that would be nice. *But the last time I mentioned the fact that we hardly ever do it, he did try later that night. *But I didn't feel into it because I knew he was just doing it to please me, so I told him to stop and just cried and felt like an ass.

One step forward, two steps back!

I'm not so sure I'd be quick to say this guy has a problem. You've made him sound pretty close to perfect. You brought his attention to a problem you had, he tries to address it and you're still not happy?! What's so wrong with him wanting to please you?

He may, in fact, just simply not have as high a sex drive as you do. There are many couples who would consider sex five times in three months about average and some who would consider it above average! If you start trying to "fix" a partner to meet your needs, you're asking for trouble. If you think about it, he could be posting here that your sex drive is too high and it drives him nuts. And it's not his fault if you feel unattractive because you're not getting enough sex. (Picture him saying "It's like if I don't keep having sex with her she doesn't feel good about herself.&quot

I'm really not trying to be a hard-ass over this, but it's no different that any other relationship problem. You and he need to deal with it together and work out the solution and you both will need to be part of the solution. It MAY include him "just doing it to please you" (or at least starting out that way... if you'd given it a chance, you might have discovered he would "rise" to the occasion) and it MAY include you finding other ways to fill your needs, being more of an initiator, etc.

Have another talk with him.

If he starts something as a result, let him finish.

[lilly2279]

Yes, oberon he's willing to work on it.

Basically I was trying to see if anyone knew of any tips, vitamins, etc., that could help us out.

Wally, I said he was a wonderful boyfriend. I'm sorry I enjoy sex and want to share that with him, that's all. It's hardly likely he would be starting his own thread about my obsession with sex. Would just like it to be less than a month in between sessions. Didn't realize I was being such a bitch to want to have sex with my boyfriend.

[oberon]

Okay, good. *He realizes this could be a problem. *

No, you aren't being a bitch and neither is he being neglectful. *You just have different sexual appetites. *What you want to find is a reasonable compromise.

While there is no magical aphrodisiac, there are male enhancement products on the market. *Don't try anything that sounds too good to be true, but you might go to your local health food store and see what they have in the way of vitamin supplements. *Most people have a GNC (General Nutrition Center) nearby. *The people there are usually very helpful and not pushy about trying to force anything you don't really want.

You can also just try to put yourself in sexy situations. *Hot tubs, swimming pools, and showering together are great ways to lead to sex. *And while it might not be the most romatic thing in the world, there is always the idea of setting one day a week (or whatever you both decide) when you have sex regardless. *

I hope some of this helps. *If not, come back and we'll try to think of more things.

[Tessie]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]He says he loves me and he is very sweet to me. *Very affectionate. *Always gives me kisses, rubs my back, holds my hand, is very attentive and helps me around the house and does all kinds of stuff for me (as I do for him).

Trade you. * I sympathize with you Lily. But boy I would be willing to have less sex have some of what your getting. Like they say the grass is always greener huh?

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Has anyone ever heard of this with a guy? *And what can be done?? *It sucks. *I would like to have sex about twice a week, that would be nice. *But the last time I mentioned the fact that we hardly ever do it, he did try later that night. *But I didn't feel into it because I knew he was just doing it to please me, so I told him to stop and just cried and felt like an ass.

Yes I have heard of it plenty of times. Women aren't the only ones with a low sex drive you know. I have a problem with the fact that you pushed him off you and then cried. Did he see you crying? Can you imagine how that must have made him feel? First you gripe to him that he isn't giving it to you enough and then when he does your not into it. Girl you should have faked it to the hilt then and made him think he is the hottest guy you ever had. Men need to feel sexually wanted and that what they are doing is right.

You say your not much of an initiator. You will kiss and roam your hands on him but do you reach down and grab yourself a hand full and let him know what you want? Your not going to get anywhere if your both passive about sex. One of you has to step it up a notch and since its you wanting more then I say that the job falls to you.

Have a hot night. Put on something sexy and visually stimulating. Rub his back, tell him how hot and sexy you think he is and take him. Worth a shot. *

Also see if he will get some viagra. Really great stuff.

[soulmates82]

sounds like you got a heck of a guy there - arent a lot of guys who are with a gal for too much but the sex. relationships are SOOOOOOO much more than sex and i think its great you guys have more going for yu than sex. dont make sex and issue - tit for tat and feel he doesnt want you and feel if he dont want your sex what the heck else am i good for.... becomes more of a job to have sex and can become a reward or bribe or repremand or punishment or insentive or.... like some sort of pawn held hostage or tokin to barter with...
sex is THE biggest issue most couples fight about. LOTs of stress and bitterness and abuse and resentment and lying and cheating and break-ups and divorces.
less time you can spend issuing it to death and making a science out of it and getting so freakin tired of talking about it who even wants to have sex now ..... get it off the floor and out of the spotlight and quit putting so much focus on it - - sex is one of those things best let to happen naturaly and dont mess in the mix or try to intervene and change its course. passion and arrousal and interest work on a chemistry all their own. alter the mix or try and manufacture some sort of substitute and the works get all out of scync. dont mess with mother nature and watch pot never boils.
have fun, talk, go out, woo and coo and spoil and pamper and reinforce your love for eachother and stroke eachothers ego and quit taking each other so personal and quit taking yourselves so personal and dont fret about "normalicy" and give eachother respect and give credit where credit is due and before you know it you guy will be running smooth and natural as can be

[WallyLlama]

Geesh, we're not too defensive are we?

Since several folks have posted in a similiar vein to my reply, I probably don't have to point out that I did NOT say you were a bitch.

But I will tell you that as a guy, I'd have some serious problems with your attitude about this if I was involved with you and your defensiveness just reinforced it. Read Tess's take on the crying thing; she's right. My point was, and still is, you may need to make some changes both in your expectations and in your behaviors. This is not about his problem (low sex drive) it's about a relationship issue.

You can buy some pills at the vitamin shop; but that's not what makes relationships work.

This may not be what you want to hear, but it may be what you need to hear. Disagree if you chose, but there's no reason to get all defensive - something you've taken others to task for on other threads!

[Rawbob]

Hi:

Lack of sex drive/libido is not an uncommon thing at all. However, the causes of this are usally found in either psychlogical or physical.

Physical: First thing i would do would be to urge your BF to see his Dr for a blood test...to see what his testosterone level is. As men get older, yes even at 35, the body dosn't
produce as much testosterone as it used to. There are some very effective medications that can revive his testosterone levels and jump start the body's production of it again. TRUST ME, if this is the case, within a few days of taking the meds (usually a topical cream) he'll be as horney as a 3-legged goat!

Psychological: This is a much more touchy area to deal wiht. The human mind is THE ULTIMATE sex organ. You need to find out from your BF if he's had any very bad past sexual experiences. It could range from a case of impotence in the past to sexual abuse. There could also be a religious issue. If he was rasied in a strict religious family and upbringing, he may be struggling with pre-marital sed/sinning issues.

Now you cna't come right out and ask him such personal questions during or before sex. This needs to happen over time and your talks. See what he says..but also LISTEN. Be attentive to how he views sexually-overt things on the TV, or pics on the internet, etc. Folks who struggle with intimacy issues arent' always upfront about it and may have it repressed.

You need to be patient, and yet, persistant! Talk, listen, reflect, and talk some more! Try not to put too much stress or pressure on him. But, always get your own needs met too. If he dosn't want to play, then maybe you take out your toys, and move to the bedroom. Maybe he'll watch, maybe not, but he needs to know that intimacy is key, and there are needs you have to have met. Just be loving and kind when u do it!

Hope this helps!

[lilly2279]

Hi guys, thanks for the responses.

The only reason I got upset that one time was because I felt like I practically had to beg for sex. So when we did start it felt wrong and I felt like a brat and I knew he was doing it only because I wanted (like wanting him to take out the trash or something, you know?)

Women cannot help if they feel unattractive when a guy is not "ready" as often as they are used to. I'm used to being with guys who like it pretty regularly. I'm not knocking him because of that. I was confused and wanted to know if others have had the problem or know of a good way to make it a little more frequent than once a month. I'm not asking for daily. I'm not asking for any regular schedule. That would become dull quickly.

I've gotten all nice and showered and shaved and put on one of his favorite nighties and cuddled up to him and started kissing him and he'll smile and put his arm around me and and give me a peck back. But it seems if he's not the main initiator it just kinda fizzles. Does that make sense? And since he has told me he has a low sex drive, I'm afraid to push it afraid I'll go further and be rejected. I hope that makes sense to some of you and if (someone) feels like attacking me for how I feel, please just try to refrain, if you're able. I can't help the way I feel, alright? I love him VERY much. I know he's a great guy and I'm not upset at him. I try not to make an issue out of it. But sometimes I just want to have a nice sweaty little session and fall asleep in each other's arms. Even a 10 minute rompt would thrill me. I'm not that hard to please.

I did start him on some GNC Mega Man Vitamins and some Horny Goat Weedy from GNC. We did have sex recently and, as usual, it was wonderful. (which only makes me want it again the next day! lol) I just would rather not wait another month.

I have asked him to see a doctor. I would LOOOOOVE for him to get Viagra and he has mentioned it. But i want him to go the doc and get a physical and make sure he's healthy and get viagara from a real doctor. I'm still working on that. High blood pressure runs in his family and I know his is on the high side. So that has been an issue for a while, getting him to go, etc.

Yes, I know many women would trade me. I won't give him up! lol. He's the best thing that ever happened to me! But seeing his cute little tush in his jeans just turns me on and makes me wanna jump his bones all the time! lol.