We Need Time to Ourselves

[Bewitching]

Hey everyone

Well, my man and I have been together nearly 3 years now, and i have to admit we've spent way too much time together.

We know that we need "me time" and "friends time" etc. however as i suffer severe depression, and i'm having a REALLY HARD TIME trying to adjust to all this.

We've spent nearly every single day together since we've been going out, and it doesn't take a genius to know that it's not healthy for the both of us.

As i mentioned, the depression just makes this whole thing fall to pieces with me, and i am suffering SO BAD inside, i dont know how to describe the feeling. *It's almost as though i feel like i'm never going to see him again, despite the fact i keep telling myself i KNOW i'll see him soon & talk to him probably later in the night.

Just to top things off, i just lost my job due to redundancy (the position was no longer required for the company) so i'm stressing about finding a new job that pays well and that i like (the last job brought me down because i didn't like it). *And my *parents have kicked me out of their house once & for all - perfect timing - and have given me 'till the end of the week to find somewhere. *While looking, i have nobody at all that can move with me and i can't find anyone else suitable i could move in with - so i'm on my own for a while. *Plus, my bf & i are trying to quit weed for the final time (cuz if we dont, our relationship will never get anywhere, so this is our last hope) and because of the whole quitting thing, it's made my boyfriend even less tolerant of me because of his mood swings and it's made me feel even worse in general. *I even found myself "checking up" on him which no doubt made him furious and which 100% made me feel like shit and complete shameful of myself. *Also, i dont have a car, so i'm stuck in my prison cell at my parents house, who dont want me there, and i can't get away from the tension & emotion that's around me, let alone in me.

All this at once, huh. *

I've REALLY been trying to keep my depression under control but all these things at once are seriously killing me fast - all i keep thinking now is my life has to be over in this world soon, REAL soon (yet, i would never bring myself to self harm/suicide - so please dont dwell on that).

Basically, spending time away from my bf really is a huge distraction in the other things i need to take care of in life, like myself, however it needs to be done and i really need a way around all this. *i love him SO MUCH, it hurts, and i keep screwing up our opportunities to make things right. *I'm so scared of being lonely i guess, and scared that he's going to have more fun with other people and isn't going to want time with me anymore. *I know that will happen if i keep up contacting him when i shouldn't be.

So PLEASE any suggestions, that'd be great. *I need to adjust to our new situation, I need to get out at night, i only have 1 friend who lives in the area, everyone else is 1hr away, i can't keep depending on the one person all the time and i'm really struggling parting with my boyfriend. *I need something to do all the time, cuz i get bored at the drop of a hat, and as i said, i have no car & public transport's a bitch where i live.

Please help!!!

[Rawbob]

Hi Bewitching!

First things first - take a deep breath.

Clearly one of the biggest issues for you is dealing with the reality of EVERYTHING AT ONCE. And, belive it or not, the solution presents itself right there!

It is impossible to solve every single thing your facing at the same time, so DON'T!

You need to re-read your post and write each problem/challenge/issue on a separate line.

Then, you need to prioritize things in as logial an order as possible.

As i look at your issues, here's how i would prioritize things:

1) JOB SEACH
2) HOUSING
3) TRANSPORTATION

So, as u see, the first thing you need to do is find a job. Now, there you have to decide if ANY job will do or if you're going to hold out for the kind of job you want. I'm leaning towards ANY job.

As you look in the paper for places to apply for work, look for people looking for roomates near where you work so you don't have transportation issues right away.

I'm not sure how strict your folks are, but it seems cruel to kick you out on the street with no job, no money, no car. I think showing initiative to getting the job will help buy you some time.

Transportation is key to a feeling of freedom and independence. So, as you move forward, i'd be looking at saving for some basic but dependable transportation. But, this can be costly, so don't set your sights too high. Make this a long-term goal.

Now, as far as you and your BF, your emotional/depression issues are more a result of ALL the things you're facing. While i'm not a big proponent of drug use, i don't think quitting pot is a good idea now. It's like folks trying to quit smoking, going on a diet and starting to excercise all at the same time. Thats WAY too much change for most to handle. I think you SHOULD keep it to a minimum..but the short-term impact on you isn't that big a deal - UNLESS YOU HAVE TO TAKE A DRUG TEST FOR A JOB! THIS IS A BIG ISSUE. In most jobs, especially entry-level jobs, they may require you to take a drug test. If that's the case, then you will need to stop and THAT is a good reason to do so..and i'm sure your BF will concur.

Now, you need to focus. Take ONE DAY AT A TIME. IT's not easy to do, but belive me, it works. I won't go into details, but i was in a situation like yours just 3 years ago. I was making $90,000 a year in a job, they laid me off, and 6 months later i had to take a sales job that paid only $24,000. 3 years later i'm making almost twice the money was when i got laid off...but i had to focus on the key things. JOB, FOOD, BILLS. Going out, eating out, was NOT an option. I ate alot of soup and mac 'n cheese, before i was able to eat steak and champaigne.!

You need to make finding a job your full time job. It will help you keep busy, keep your mind off your boyfriend and will give you a direction and challenge to do every day.

You need to get out and pound the pavement to find a job. Waitress, server, whatever, you need money in your pocket and anything is better than nothing. You can use your day's off to find a better job and other interviews.

You have some self-esteem issues, and the only way to beat those feelings is to face them step by step.

Once you get a job, you'll be too busy to be jealous of his time or what he's doing, etc. YOu need to focus on YOU. Being independent is VERY SEXY. Being co-dependent is a viscous circle and you need to nip this in the bud.

Finally, remember this VERY IMPORTANT THING!
CELEBRATE LITTLE VICTORIES. From celebrating getting an interview, to setting and exceeding your daily goals for sending out resumes/calling potential employers. CELEBRATE LITTLE VICTORIES!

You also should post signs around you that will motivate you...my favorite is: IF IT IS TO BE, IT'S UP TO ME.

Hope this helps! Hang in there..and remember..one day at a time!!

[oberon]

Rawbob's advice is excellent.. to which I can only add a little. *I checked your profile. *You are still a teen... so check out agencies that will help you. *Call a teen hotline. *I'd say 3/4 of the battle in getting a job is knowing someone. *Don't be afraid to ask for help. *Many companies offer "first time" deals... for housing and transportation. *There are people out there who can help you, you just have to look for them.

Meanwhile, try not to stress too much. *Remember the old AA motto : "One day at a time."

Good luck and keep us posted.

edit: *Oops... *I didn't notice that Rawbob already used the "One day..." thing. *Hmmm... how about a little prayer or chant for when things get really bad:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.