Things just changed

[mjv154]

My girlfriend and I broke up. *4 years, and I had everything invested in her, I planned on marrying this girl, and until we broke up she said she did too. *

* She told me that she just feels different, and that she dosen't know if it will ever change. *We both just got out of college, and started working jobs. *

*She never really could tell me why she wanted this, or what EXACTLY changed. *I have asked her, and she is honest in what she says. *I don't think she can put it in words.

*I just feel betrayed, and want to know if anyone could lend some insight. *Why? *Have you ever experianced this? *Can you fall out of love?

[WallyLlama]

Unless you can get into your ex's head and heart and walk around for a while, you're probably not going to know the answer to your questions. For that matter, she may not know herself.

Can you fall out of love? Probably not, but you can put that love into perspective. There are some women in my past that I'd say I still "love." Including one I haven't seen in... well, a big number of years.

You feel betrayed? At some level I can understand that, but love and relationships do not come with guarantees. From your description it does not sound like you were misled - it sounds more like you may have deluded yourself a little. When you say you "invested everything" in her for four years, that sounds like you believe she "owes" you a return or at least an EXACT explaination of why you're not getting it. Even banks and investment companies include disclaimers: there are no guarantees and all they are obligated to do is try, really. Sounds like she did. She's even tried to explain herself.

Move on. Easier said than done, but it's not like there are a ton of other options.

[oberon]

If you both just got out of college, then you are in a very intense period of change in your lives. *This is when people start really learning more about themselves and have the freedom to explore. *I'd say your situation is not unusual... I know that doesn't make it any easier on you.

Number one lesson in relationships: *You can't affect how anyone else acts, only yourself. *While you may want to know "why" she's done this, the most important thing is that she has- and you just have to deal with it. *In my opinion, first, you can be thankful that she did this now instead of a couple of years from now when you were married and maybe had *(a) child(ren) involved. *Now for the advice no one wants to hear... it just takes time to get over it. *Hang out with your friends, do FUN things. *When you feel ready, start looking again. *There will be someone else out there for you- maybe even better.

Take care and good luck.

[Rawbob]

I feel for ya bud! As others have said, there are no guarantees in relationships. Thats part of the attraction to love - it's spontaneous, unexpected and unpredictiable.

Yes it hurts. Yes it sucks. Yes it's frustrating, and NO, there's really nothing you can do about any of it but let time do it's thing.

Now, that said, i think you DO have a legitimate beef with her. I'm sorry, but i think she's lying thru her teeth when she says she can't explain why she doesn't want to see you anymore. I would be my right arm that she knows exactly why, but dosn't have the guts to tell you because it will reflect badly on her.

From using u for emotional support thru college, money, companionship or sex, somewhere along the line she knew in her heart that you were NOT the one for her. Maybe she did meet a guy...maybe not.....maybe she discovered she a lesbian - who knows...but like i said - SHE DOES!

I have NEVER met a woman who initiated the break up that did NOT know why she dind't want to continue the relationship. Some have more integrity and can be honest..others...like your ex, want to cling to a bullshit story about "not knowing why" she didn't want to see u anymore.

Does this change anything? Nope, but i hope it gives you some solice in the fact that it was HER, not YOU who lied or changed!

[Tessie]

Sheesh Rawbob lighten up on the woman. Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she does and instead of reflecting badly on her will only hurt him.

I feel for you mjv154. But people's feeling do change and sometimes despite what Rawbob said it can be very hard to put into words.

I would suggest you just move on and take the good with you and dump the rest. You can't spend your time with the why's? Sometimes it just is.

[WallyLlama]

Amen, Tessie! I thought that was a rather vicious attack on the fairer sex myself...

Personally, I like women and don't think they are all coniving liars who use guys.

I do think they are sometimes complicated and a lot more intuitive than guys. And I accept intuition as a valid explanation for things... including ending a relationship.

[Rawbob]

Tessie, Wally, I like women too. That's not the point, and quite frankly, i thought this site was all about open discussion and that there werne't many sacred cows.

So now we just give anyone who has "intuition" a pass? That we can't be direct? That we can't expect more than just "I don't know it's just how i feel?"

Sorry, I stand by my statment, and, to make everyone feel better - this applies to men and women: I HAVE NEVER MET A MAN OR WOMAN WHO USED THE EXCUSE THAT IT WAS A "FEELING" OR "CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY" OR "INTUITION" FOR BREAKING OFF A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.

This guy had a 4 year relationship with a woman. A woman he loved and who made every indication that she felt the same way.

Guilt is a strong emotion, and makes people do and say many things to avoid owning up to one's responsibility.

Again, this applies to both men and women, but since we're talking about MJV's post, i stand by my original post.

I don't buy it for one second that after 4 years she can't put into words why she fell out of love (If she ever was in the first place.).

Want to know WHY i belive this? In his post he writes

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]She told me that she just feels different, and that she dosen't know if it will ever change

. She dosn't know if it will EVER change?

Ok, lemee get this right, I dated you for 4 years, we have been happy (or so i thought) spent alot of time together, made love, did holidays, and alot more....we even were talking about getting married down the road, right? Now you DON't want to see me, you CAN'T explain why, and you DONT KNOW IF IT WILL EVER CHANGE?"

DOn't know if it will ever change? That translates into: "I have hurt u far enough already, and i don't have the heart to tell you the truth - i don't love you and thats not gonna change"

SHe knows exactly what's going on and why, she's just trying the fast and cheap way out. Sorry guys, it's how i feel.

ps: I'm not bitter, i love my partner of 8 years - so no recent baggage to blame this rant on! Seen it too many times in the past ..and there are tell-tale signes of out-and-out deception on her part.

Sorry buddy, you found yourself in a tough spot. Pull yourself up by the boot straps and get back in the dating pool. Don't wallow in this for too long, and please don't think less of any other person who comes along in your life romantically. It happens to us all....some of us are just more fortunate to find people who at least have the guts to tell us why thier feelings have changed!

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (Rawbob @ Sep. 27 2004,06:48)]Tessie, Wally, I like women too. That's not the point, and quite frankly, i thought this site was all about open discussion and that there werne't many sacred cows.

So now we just give anyone who has "intuition" a pass? That we can't be direct? That we can't expect more than just "I don't know it's just how i feel?"

Sometimes, yes. We do accept people's feelings as valid, even if they can't verbalize or justify them!

Let's not make logic a sacred cow, either. As one who tends to approach life with a great deal of logic, I can admit that I had to learn to appreciate (value) feelings and intuition.

MJV himself observed that he doesn't think she can put her feelings into words and he dated her for four years. It seems to me that you've judged her rather harshly and it's based largely on your opinons. I see no "tell tale signs" of "out and out deception" that justify suggesting she's either cheating or a Lesbian, etc.

The irony is that her truthfulness and worth as a person were never the issue, really. MJV accepted the idea that she couldn't express herself and I, therefore, did not understand your "rant." It seems to me in judging her you are also judging him. He allowed himself to be used for four years...

That is certainly your right in an "open discussion," but let us not forget that simply because a person believes something does not make it a fact.

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

Woah woah.. woah.. Don't put down inutition.. its what guides me through my life.. and my mom through hers.. and so forth.. we can't explain what we feel we just know its changed or know it isnt right.. but we dont know why, or want it to but it does. AND i've broken up with alot of guys for "NO REAL REASON" just feelings.. i just felt in my heart it iwasnt right for me.. and for them... simple as that and i havent been wrong about it yet. so dont be wavin the whole FEELING thing around, because we all have feelings and use them
she told him she doesnt know..like the guy said... he understands that... like shes honest in what she says..
IM SORRY to hear about that happening 4 years is a long time.. but we all change and grow...
the whole thing of betrayl well you just never could think that wuold happen... and just your heart is in a different place right now is all..
I dont think you can fall out of love.. really..you always love someone.. but sometimesssss i get the feeling that i need to move on?? orso does the other person.. that they need time to grownon their own time.. its weird..BUT you will be alright

peace.

[mjv154]

WOW....thanks alot for all the kind words. It means alot to hear from all of you.

I've just decided to move on, let it go, not talk to her, and try not to run into her.

Does she owe me an answer? *Maybe she does, but I just think that I'm better off leaving it behind and not dwelling on why it happened....it happened. *

Does she know exacly why she did it? *Maybe, probably, part of me wants to know, but then the rest comes in and decides that letting it go will be more helpful.

Thank you all.