Fights with boyfriend are too much

[secretly_shy]

My boyfriend and i are one of those couples who niggle and argue over things, and everyone notices.

we went away this weekend and he really upset me by saying some hurtful things, so much that i got into my car and drove home (leaving all my stuff behind as i just wanted to get out)

Ive got to the stage where im so upset ive packed all the things of his from my house into a bag (including xmas and birthday gifts) and im going to arrange for someone to go and pick up my stuff from him that i left behind during the weekend away. he has no idea im doing this.

I just want to know when do people think their relationahip is over? all ive been doing is crying constantly, and 24hrs ago i wouldnt have imagened my future without him, but all the fighting makes me believe we have no future together and i dont think i can handle it anymore :-( we've been together well over a year and i had thought id finally be happy, but i always thought the one u cared for would never make u cry?

[Brauul]

I think alot of couples don't actually realize the relationship is in that much trouble till it's too late (a child usually comes into the mix). I am not going to say you are lucky to have figured out the relationship is probably not saveable, but at least it was a year and not 5+. There is a possibility that if you up and leave it may shock him into realizing something is that wrong (some guys need to be hit with a sledgehammer like that). Now that is a possibility, but not really a given.

If all you do is fight, then that is going to be bad in a lasting relationship. a little bit of arguing and gentle ribbing is fine, and alot of couples thrive on that. But when you are actually to the point of crying and packing up to leave, then something is very wrong. Give yourself a little time to figure out if you really want to be with him. I would say leave for awhile. couple weeks if you can. see what his reaction is. If he seems to think that you will be back and you can continue to argue, then actually leave for good. All I am saying is that you may also be very emotionally charged and may need to look at the situation with more calm eyes. If you are indeed calm and know that things just aren't working, then by all means keep going with your plan. Please keep in mind that this is just my opinion. I am a real advocate of comunication. I don't like to see someone just stomp out, leaving the other person dazed and confused. I would rather see a relationship end amicably and with the understanding that BOTH people know something is wrong.

[LittleFury]

Hmmm, I don't how how to put it well into words, but I'll try. Couples fight, sometimes a lot. My bf and I do fight, espeiclally lately and he does say hurtful things, a lot of it comes from jhim just quitting smoking though. BUt even though we fight, overall we're still very happy. And we can't imagine our lives without each other. If you're that way, can't imgaine your life without each other, I would recommend trying couples therapy, it could help. However, if you can easily walk away, I'm not saying that you did, I was tempted to do the same thing a few times, but if you can walk away and be happy and able to easily move on, then do go ahead with a breakup. And people do make us cry, even if they care, sometimes tempers get in the way and feelings get hurt and person fights back with even mroe hurtful things. You gotta see beyond it, if aside from your fighting, if other things are worth fighting for, or not. That way you can make a desicion.

[oberon]

Hi secretly shy.

Well, couples do fight, and the ones we love are the ones that can hurt us the most deeply. *There is a line from an old movie (Love Story) that goes, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." *That's bullsh!t. *Love means being able and willing to work through the things that tear down a relationship. *

I agree with LittleFury in that, if you think the relationship is worth saving, you should try to talk these things out. *Therapy is not a bad idea. *It sometimes helps if there is an objective third party- sort of a referee. *Of course, you both have to be willing to try to save the relationship. *Just one of you won't be able to do it alone.

Good luck and take care.

[WallyLlama]

Yet in another sense, no relationship is ever "over" in that every relationship becomes part of your person and you carry the experience and memory with you.

I have none some couples who were not (apparently) happy unless they were fighting. I suspect they "enjoyed" the tension and the stress or something. Let's face it; there are some angry people in the world.

Habits are also part of the formula. Sometimes we become negative and "picky" and naggy without realizing it. It's amazingly easy to get focused on a persons negative qualities and stop seeing the positives.

All of which leads to: I'd take a look at what the fighting is about. If you're fighting about leaving the toilet seat up, that's probably not a "deal breaker." Sometimes the issue is learning to fight (argue) fair without resulting to name-calling and bashing the other person.

The relationship is "over" when one or both you find the amount of effort required to stay together is too much and and benefits too few.

[mspersia82]

When the good times outweigh the bad then it's time to move on. After a while, my ex and I were like that too....fighting and arguing all of the time. If you are not very happy with this man then you should end the relationship.

[secretly_shy]

Well, firstly thanks everyone for all your advice

My BF and i had a week away from each other completely, then a phone call, and then a few hours together one day.
We spent a lot of time talking about the reasons why we argued, and admitted that most of the things we argued about were small and trivial.
We also decided that since he has taken a more stressful job, and ive had a huge lifestyle change (including breaking a bone in my spine!) that hormones have been flying around a bit!

The talking bit was the most helpful thing of all, as he now understands why i was so upset, and i have also learnt a few things about myself as well!

He was brilliant about the whole thing, and got me to sort everything out calmly and he backed off everything until i felt comfortable/ready.

We're happy and together again- and a lot more knowledgeable about the squabbles! as i said before, i cant imagen life without him so in the end it was definatly worth the work * *Thanks again everyone!

[Aladria]

My bf and I are currently starting to read/use Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue." It has some excellent information in it. I highly recommend it to everyone, even if you aren't having trouble.