Threesomes in LTR?

[kaoskitten88]

Here's my somewhat long & complicated situation:
I am a 22-y.o. bisexual woman, and my boyfriend of just over a year is 36 and straight. We are very much in love and are very sexually adventurous, with a plentiful amount of orgasms on both ends. We see eye to eye on almost everything, have great communiaction, and even argue well when we do disagree. We are very serious and began discussing marriage about 6 months ago, as something we'd both like to do in the next few years.

We are perfect for each other in every way but one: he wants to have threesomes with another woman during the period of time before we get married (3-4 yrs.) and I don't. I would be fine if he just wanted to watch me get it on with another girl, or for him to touch her in non-sexual places, but he wants to stimulate her manually on her breasts and genitals, and receive similar stimulation from her, with the possibility of more if we got into it. I am not comfortable with the idea of him exchanging sexual pleasure with another woman.

He says that this is an experience (or series of experiences) that he doesn't want to settle down without having (he says he wouldn't want to violate the sanctity of marriage by doing it after he was married), and that the woman that he will marry will do it with him and let reservations down enough to enjoy it. He says that my hesitation is because of a lack of trust in him, closedmindedness due to my youth, or insecurity in myself, but I disagree. I am not insecure, becaue I know that I am pretty, thin, smart, and sexually adept. And I do trust him not to leave me as a result of a threesome. He says that part of love is letting the other person be free to do what they want, as long as there is no deception involved, and that it would make our relationship stronger to see that we can survive with that freedom.

Am I being selfish to hold on to this idea of sex between opposite sexes as being only desirable betwwen 2 people? Would it be worth the risk of trying it and feeling terrible, in order to bridge this one issue between us and quell his need for more sexual adventure before we settle down? Is my discomfort truly a product of my youth? HELP!!?

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

there is nothing wrong with you.. and you choosing that. I know i sure don't like shareing.. so why should someone else. I dont think its becuases your young, you just dont want HIM touching someone else other than you...lol you dont like shareing and i can't blame you girl.. .NOTHING wrong with how you feel. Because you two having been together just over a year i can see why maybe you might feel "its too soon" for something like that.. if at all. He shouldn't be making you feel guilty for feeling that way. You dont want him with another woman, simple as that. I dont think you gotta change nothing..but i think you 2 should give your relationship more time before you work into those kinda situations so you are both fully understanding eachother. er.. yeah.. lol
jamie

[ItalStall]

From a different perspectice ... you indicate that you would be ok with you having sex with another girl. Is that to please your bf fantasy ... or is that your desire??

If it is to please you, there appears to be a bit of a double standard here. Irrespective of the sex of the third party, "what is good for the goose is good for the gander". Either the realtionship is agreed to be monogamous ... or it isn't! Either way is fine IF you are BOTH comfortable with it.

I must say he does appear to be being a bit off-base in his questioning your maturity, insecurity, etc. just because you don't want what he wants. You have shown your maturity and security by being prepared to discuss and consider his request, but NO-ONE should feel pressurized into participating in any activity they are not comfortable with.

If this is a big issue (now or for the future) I would advise that you resolve it before you go too much further with the relationship.

[kaoskitten88]

Well where I stand is that I am really confused because on one hand, I do really love him, and I understand his concept of wanting to experience everything that he can before he settles down, and I don't want to be the blockade that comes between anyone and making their dreams come true, even if it means that we couldn't be together. This applies to all realms of life, not just sex (for example, if I was with someone who badly wanted a child right now and I'm not ready, etc., I'd rather let them go if it was that important to them than hold them back). On the other hand, I feel that this is true love, and I really don't want to give it up over this single issue, because other that one thing, we are both happier than we have ever been with anyone else (and he's been married before).
We both feel that freedom to be ourselves and do the things that we want to do individually, as well as as a couple, is very important. He is not at all a jealous person, and says that he wouldn't be bothered if I wanted to fool around with another guy, as long as he was present (for the record, I don't), if that was something that would make me happy. Also, the "possibility of more" that I mentioned in the first part of the post does not include intercourse, because he has expressed to me that he has no desire to actually be inside of another woman. I feel that I am between the proverbial "rock and a hard place"... does anyone have any additional insight that might help me?

And about my bisexuality... I am definitely NOT one of those bisexual people that require a relationship, sexual or otherwise with both sexes to feel fulfilled. And I could never see myself in a romantic relationship with another woman (I guess I'm about 75% straight. As far as I'm concerned one lover at a time is enough, and acting on my attraction to women, especially behind his back, would be cheating, unless it is in the kind of threesome I have deemed as having acceptable boundaries, and even then, knowing he wants more is kind of a turn-off to the point that I'd probably have trouble getting into it at this point. So the answer to your initial question is no, I'm fine with keeping my bisexuality on the level of fantasy, and I don't require more faithfulness from him that I expect from myself.

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] (kaoskitten88 @ Aug. 21 2004,09:50)]He says that part of love is letting the other person be free to do what they want, as long as there is no deception involved, and that it would make our relationship stronger to see that we can survive with that freedom.

What I've quoted above is probably (in my opinion) the most important statement in your original post.

If I were you I'd spend a LOT of time considering it and make darn sure you agree with it if you believe you have a future with this guy. He's telling you that he believes you prove your love for him by letting him do whatever he pleases as long as he tells you he's doing it.

IMHO, it's bullshit, but my opinion doesn't matter.

The good news is that if you do agree with him, it means you can go out and participate in a gang-bang as long as you tell him.

Love is about negotiating with your partner and deciding what you each will do as a couple and as individuals. You don't get to keep all that freedom when you enter a partnership - and that's not a bad thing. Yes, remaining individuals is important, as is trust. But if he believes what you've reported, he's way out of wack on the individual side of the equation. That's why your threesome is all about what HE wants.

I personally think you're being manipulated and coerced, perhaps not intentionally. His willingness for you to have a guy is not altruistic and generous - he knows you're not interested in doing that. I'd worry less about the threesome than I would what you both believe about love and relationships.

[Rawbob]

I say test his theory!

Tell him that one of your most dark fantasies is to have a MFM 3way with a bi man. That you've always wanted to watch 2 men have oral and anal sex and masturbate while they pleausere each other over and over and over!

See how he feels about that! Oh, no BS about him not being bi, this is about YOUR fantasy..right? just like his fantasy of having a MFF 3way!

Oh, tell him that before you'll do a MFF, you want to see him in a M/M bi sexual evening - guys have a tendency to say one thing and do another..so make sure you DEMAND that he be with a guy before you're with a gal in a3way!

I got 100 bucks he'll change his tune!

ps: YOU GET TO PICK THE MALE 3rd!

[demonbuttercup]

good point rawbob. Guys hardly ever go for that lol. its like if its 2 girls its HOTT and if its 2 guys its gay. doesn't make sense.

i have to wonder *
im guessing he knew about your bi-sexuality when you guys first started going out?
do you think he hooked up w/ you b/c he knew that you would more than likely fulfill his fantasy?

i mean if anything, your youth would cause you to be MORE openminded about things.
i can see your point where you have been w/ men and women but rather have one relationship at a time.

[oberon]

I have to agree that it sounds like you are being railroaded here. To make this a "deal breaker" is really very immature on HIS part.

I say, give Rawbob's idea a try... put the shoe on the other foot, as it were. I'll bet he does some quick back-pedaling.

Take care.

[LittleFury]

Hmm, msg me on on of the messnegers thats avalable on my profile and we'll talk. Cause I can't really put things that I'm thinking into a posts, however I mgith be a bit helpful to you. Good luck.

[LittleFury]

Btw, cheating is still cheating even if you're still not married. Whoever came up with the bullshit that you don't have to have the same level of fidelity as then you're married before the wedding is an idiot, sorry. Real pisses me off then someone says things like that.