Confused relationship

[Holliday]

Before I get to my question here is some history:
I have been seeing someone casually for 4 years. I last saw him on 8/10 and prior to that on 7/17. During the three weeks I did not see him, I tried to call him several times. No return call and no answer on his cell. I saw him at work on Friday of the second week and he told me how busy he was and he was thinking of seeing me on Monday or Tuesday. I said ok. Well Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of the third week he called but I was hurt and ignored him. I know game playing is wrong. I did see him on 8/10 before he left on vacation. We had a nice time and I helped him pack and do laundry. I told him I missed him but only liked him for his pool. He did not like that comment and I told him I was joking and that he knows I love him. I have never said that and was scared. He said nothing back to me.

As we were just sitting, I suggested that the week after he is back from vacation that we should spend a whole night together. He stated "that is a big step" I was taken back and just stated for him to think about it. I do love him and I feel we would be good as a couple. Anyway, I told him it was late and I needed to go, he asked me to stay longer with him. I did, as I was leaving he called me several times by a pet name.
Any thoughts or suggestions on this I would love.

My question:
Well he leaves on vacation and I call him on Sunday and leave a message for us to get together on Monday. We did, he came over for 1 1/2 hours. I love seeing him but...sex was a problem. We had to stop because he got a head rush, dizzy and had to sit up for a while. He also had trouble getting to orgasm but finally did and he was sensative. I did not say anything and he told me it is because his equipment is not getting used enough. I am a bit upset with this and just hope it is not because I am no longer attactive to him etc... He dressed in a rush and left as he now has this x-wife's dog to care for and had to take care of him. I asked him before he left if we can get together again latter in the week. He said we can talk about it. I am confused and not sure what is going on with him. I don't think it is another women as he is so busy with work, son and travel.

Please help explain this to me.

[oberon]

Hi Holliday and welcome!

Hmmm... he's willing to have sex, but spending the night is a "big step"?? *I think you really need to talk this out with him. *There could be many reasons for his behavior (I mean, he has an ex-wife, so maybe he's just afraid of getting too involved again), but you won't know unless you ask him. *Ask what he sees happening between the two of you in the future. *You can let him know that you wouldn't mind seeing him more. *If he refuses to talk about these things, then- in my humble little opinion- that's kind of an answer all by itself. *I think the least someone can do is actually let you know whether you're dating or not.

Good Luck.

[WallyLlama]

I think you may be confusing him and possibly even scaring him. Re-read your post: you're sending all sorts of mixed signals that run from being aggressive to ignoring him when he doesn't respond to your aggression. You describe your relationship as "casual," but it sounds like you'd like to change it, he may not.

One thing that seems apparent is that when you increase the stakes he shuts down:

You tell him you love him; he says nothing.
You want to spend the night together; he says "big step."

The key is that you are describing yourself as the one trying to "make things happen."

He clearly wants to slow things down. I'd suggest you do just that and give him a chance to feel like he has some degree of control over what is happening between you.

[Holliday]

Thank you both. I have told him I would like to see him again this week and his response was we can talk about it.

However, my concern really was the sex we had on Monday and what was happening with that. Is it stress or something else. I feel like crap that he had problems and the head rush dizzy thing is really bothering me.

I have not contacted him since Monday and I am afraid to today. I really do not want to lose him but I also want to be with him.

[WallyLlama]

There are any number of possible explanations for the "head rush" thing... both physical and mental. Since he (apparently) is functioning normally I wouldn't be too concerned based on that one event.

Something is, however, going on in terms of your relationship. As I suggested, lower the pressure... I'm guessing you won't hear from him. If you have courage, you might ask him if you should keep calling... he may say, of course, "We can talk about it."

Then you say, "That's why I'm calling... let's talk about it."

[Zool]

One glaringly obvious question in my mind is if you have been seeing each other for 4 years why haven't things 'progressed' naturally enough?

If you say you've been having sex this time, yet thr thought of spending a night together calls for question, do you really think this is the best thing to be pursuing?

[Holliday]

Actually, since Monday, I have heard from him. He called me Wens to get together but I was already out with my girlfriends and told him Thursday would be better. So, tonight we should be seeing each other.

We have slept together 5 times in our 4 years. He was married for two of the 4 years that is why we are progressing slow. Now that he has been divorced for 1 1/2, I think he is checking out his freedom. However, he is 43 and time is not on his side.

I know he cares for me and loves me. He was a bit drunk one night and told me so. He does not express feelings well and is not exactly warm and fuzzy but I love him.

[Holliday]

I never saw him last night. I called him 4 times to see where he was as I made a nice dinner. He called me at 9:30 told me he was at a work function and going to get his son. He was late in picking him up and could not see me. I said fine. Then I called him back and said how about we get together on Sunday. He said that is possable but he has his son and his leaving early Monday for a trip. I told him I would call him Sunday. He told me he would see me at work. He asked if I was ok and I said "well I really was hoping to see you, you told me Wens to plan a nice evening and I did." He stated, "you set yourself up for disapointments." I said well nothing but I will try him on Sunday and have a nice evening.

This relationship is done. This guy does not care a dam about me. I am nothing to him but a doormate.

[Rawbob]

I think u are making the right move in ending the relationship. Now, just promise yourself when he calls to meet and f*** that you'll NOT take his call!

[experimenter]

Unfortunately it seems as though you have wasted 4 perfectly good years on a guy who seems perfectly willing to take from you, but give nothing in return. I'd say let him waste his time some other way, but don't let him waste any more of yours. This guy has been single for 1 1/2 years, time that he has been free to spend with you and show/tell you how he feels, and he has chosen not to do that. That is a long time to wait for something that I don't see happening. Dump him and find a guy who isn't so selfish that he can't see that you have needs and feelings too.