Troubles in Long Term Relationship

[mskdpenguin]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and we are in love. We love to be around each other, and want to be together in the future. Our relationship started healthy and sexual and remained that way for about a year to a year and a half. At some point, neither of us can exactly pinpoint when now, she began to have pain and totally lost her sex drive. She has seen her doctor many times, and while they thought she might have health issues, after changing her birth control and some exams, she seems to have a clean bill of health and was told to see a therapist. She saw one once, and while I wasn't there, my girlfriend tells me she was able to talk to the therapist, but it wasn't any help.
My girlfriend has never had an orgasm and seems to be uncomfortable with her body in specific ways. We can spend time together, shower together, and always sleep together naked, but she hates any touch to her vagina. She is scared, covers herself, and says it doesn't feel good. She has had sex with one person before me.
She will not let me do anything to her at this point besides feel her body, and the only thing she will do for me, and only after begging is give me hand jobs.

She had always said I was really big, and it seems the pain which started at some point has scared her out of wanting to continue.

We have tried lubrication, and with and without condoms in the past, none with any better reactions. Now she won't try at all anymore.

The therapist told my girlfriend she needed to "become orgasmic", something I have been trying to tell her and help her do in any way I can, but she is too uncomfortable, doesn't want to/has no desire, and experiences no pleasure from touching herself or me. She does get wet however.

I try to be as understanding as possible, including offering to pay for her to return to the therapist (she is unwilling to pay $80 a session when she didn't feel she was helped), telling her one session can't cure anyone. I also try to beg/ask about it as little as possible, but I don't want to let it go either.

The problem started while she was in college, and she now has graduated and works full time in a preschool, and is often tired at the end of the day, however her desire is no higher on the weekends.

I have no idea what to do, and the longer I go like this the more we fight and the harder it is for me. Can anyone give me advice or tell me what I can do to help her (and myself?)

Thank you!

-Scott

[LadyOfLucidDepths]

Hay!! hmm... well you say she lets youtouchher... *thinks* well maybe you can try like... giving her a bath... and a massage and stuf.f. and kiss her body all over.. but DONT let it go into sex? like.. just almost like a tease... just... show her love in other ways.. like kissin all over her body.. i feel like that will help her open up...and... and show her * iknow you do* that you appreciate every inch of her and that you arent interested in sex *which you are:P* but like... just dedicate the time you can.. to giving her massages and stuff and help her feel comfy and as time goes on... or whatver you can work to oral, and leave it at that.. and just work back up to it.. i feel like she just needs to be "worked up" and "worked into it" almost?

for your self.. your strong. i think the problem will clear up soon.. and you will be fine..

just some insight.
jamie

[mskdpenguin]

Thanks for the reply.

I massage her many times and whenever she likes really. She lets me touch her when she decides to play with me, but still not where it counts. I try every once and a while to do something that feels good for her, and even though she feels excited and is lubricating, she just says she doesn't like it and makes me stop. I guess I'm lucky she's willing to do anything, but it is just barely. We've been working on the problem and talking about it for the 2 years or so we've had the problem, and it never gets better, maybe even worse.

She used to try to let me in every once in a while, or give me a little oral for a while, but not anymore. She is also very putt off or maybe grossed out by my cum and won't touch it or let it get on her/in her at all.

I don't know why she is so uncomfortable with me sexually in terms of herself, but she seems to enjoy getting me off and making me feel good. Its quite frustrating for me!

[WallyLlama]

I'm going to sound harsh and for that I'm sorry.

But unless you get her back into therapy (with a good therapist) I see little hope for anything changing. The attitudes and outlooks you describe go way beyond any attempt on your part to romance her or get her otherwise interested in a healthy sex life for both of you.

The key is that she apparently does not see this as a problem and, therefore, has no desire to change. You may have talked about the problem for two years, but you're NOT working on it. Or at least she is not.

Frankly, one reason may be that you have been too patient and "understanding." You're not "lucky" she's willing to do anything. You have relationship rights too.

I'm not suggesting an ultimatum. But I am suggesting you consider that you may be contributing to the problem by being as "understanding" as possible. I would suggest you might want to be less understanding about why she's (apparently) unwilling to face it. Be loving and supportive, certainly, but expect change - even if they're only small changes.

I think you are already seeing that the changes are coming, but they're going in exactly the wrong direction. Why the train is on the wrong track is secondary to the fact that you need to stop it.

[Tessie]

mskdpenguin as I reading your post all I could feel was a lot of sympathy for you. It seems you are very caring and have gone way out of your way to try anything you can think of to get your girl friend to become responsive to you.

She has to see this as a very big problem and get some help. Now its her choice not to and to be happy with the way things are. But that is horribly unfair to you. You have every right in a relationship to expect to have a healthy and loving sex life.

For over two years you have been dealing with her lack of desire to be touched and you say you want a future with her. What kind of future will you have? Do you want to live a life without knowing the joy of having great sex together?

A healthy relationship is about give and take. It looks to me that you have been the one doing all the giving. You might be able to do that for a long time but in the end how happy are you going to be? Will your love turn to anger and resentment? Will you turn to other women?

I agree with Wally that talking about it is not fixing it. Pretending it will just get better is just as bad. You have to be proactive and take steps to fix this problem or you will be dealing with it over and over again.

Good luck to you.

[whatdouthink?]

I totally understand what your girlfriend is going thru. I am there now.

First off, it probably has nothing to do with you. Extreme stress is the cause here. My pain started in college when I was so stressed out I couldn't think straight. Classes, grades, friends, roommates, the fear of the future etc. I went to doctors, then later to a shrink. There is nothing worse than someone telling you to "just relax". It makes you feel stupid for feeling that way. And shrinks are expensive if you do not have good insurance.

She could of also had a scary sexual experience that she does not want to tell you about. This causes women to put up an emotional block.

I am now married and still cannot get those feelings back that I had as a teenager. Women tend to "take on the world" and cannot relax until they know everything is ok. Your girlfriend probably has an amazing amount of stress and does not know how to deal with it. It is really hard to feel sexy when you are stressed.

I wish I had some words of advice, but she definately needs to vent. If not to you, then to a close girlfriend or relative.

I know most women read romance novels to help them relax. Perhaps you just need to set a mood and get creative. Make her forget her stress for a little while. Let her senses take over. Dirty talk also helps.

Or take her out and do really fun kid stuff. Go to the park. Hang out with kids. Go to the arcade. Go do mindless stuff.

But also tell her that you love her no matter what, and you will be there for her whenever she is ready. Unconditional love does wonders.