ON THE DEFENSIVE

[Bewitching]

Hey everyone,

I've got this problem with communication - not all aspects, just one...

When my boyfriend confronts me of things about me he doesn't like, my immediate reaction to defend my emotions is to take it out on him - and the things i dont like about him. *Sometimes it's a good thing - SOMETIMES. Hardly ever.

When it's all the time though, i can understand why he feels down when he's around me half the time. *I'm always say negative things when i'm with him, whether it be sarcastic or not. *I seem to find the bad in many things, rather than the good. *And i even bring up depressing topics to talk about. *I guess i do this cuz a lot of the time it's on my mind - and yes, i have been diagnosed with depression.

Catch is - i know where my depression came from and it's gotten better. *I'm not breaking down everyday in emotional tears over 'nothing'. *But the thing is, when you've had it for so long and have had a bad case of it, it becomes included in EVERYTHING in everyday life. Those who have it or have suffered it will understand where i'm coming from.

As much as i'd hate to look like i'm defending the situation now, i know that these traits have come from my father - who is the cause of my depression. *But i can't solely blame him either - i know it's happening and i want to do something about it. *Which is why i've turned to you guys.

I need help as to how to go about stopping thinking so negatively and start having fun with life and seeing the good through everything. I know my boyfriend isn't perfect, afterall, he's quick tempered, very impatient & stubborn. *But i love him to absolute bits - bad traits & all. *But the thing is, i feel that it's me who's bringing out the worst in him, because the more and more i go on like this, the worse he gets. *I'm also afraid that i'm doing it to my friends without even realizing it. And as i mentioned my major thing is when i'm confronted about my bad habits and i automatically blame someone else for them. It's not on in my books and i want to change for the better.

I hope this hasn't given me a bad name - afterall, we all have our goods & bads, and believe me, i can be a great person. *My habits are just taking over my life right now and i hate it and i can't keep living like this, and either can my relationship. *It feels like it's getting worse.

Any tips? *And as i said, i hope this hasn't given me a bad name. *I love to help people (which is honestly sometimes a problem - people tell me i've gotta start being selfish but i can't!!) and i dont want anyone disregarding my advice in the future because of this. *

Thanks heaps in advance.

[WallyLlama]

What an interesting, somewhat soul-baring post. I think it's a compliment to you that you are able to share so freely... and own up to your own contribution to the "problem." That alone makes you something of an exceptional person.

There's a lot in your post... but one of the most important insights you have is this automatic reaction of automatically blaming someone when confronted with a bad habit.

It's very easy for couples to get into the practice of justifying bad habits. ("Oh yeah!? You think I'm bad about that, well you're constantly...&quot

I'd love to spend some time talking about the whole "depression" thing and attitudes in general... it's a subject near to my heart for many reasons. But it might be a bit off topic and beyond the scope of a thread on a sex forum... feel free to PM me if you'd like.

One quick comment is that it's been my observation that people diagnosed with depression almost always get drug therapy. Less common is behavioral therapy; the training necessary to change the behaviors that feed the depression.

My one simple idea is a technique I use all the time in different situations. I've disciplined myself to really think when I'm feeling a knee jerk reaction coming.

Sometimes I'll just keep my mouth shut and count to five or ten (to myself obviously) and see if the other person says more... other times I'll ask the other person to explain what they've said and why.

I've also learned that it's okay to do the same thing when asked a question... give yourself 5-10 seconds to formulate your answer. It'll seem like forever, but remember that the mind can work at incredible speeds.

It's amazing what can happen when the brain is allowed to process information before automatically responding.

And if you think about this... what you're doing - however subtley - is getting used to controlling your thoughts and feelings.

It's worth a try. No, it's worth an effort. LOL You'll probably have to work at it a bit.

Wally

[mjv154]

Through all of my relationships I have never had a fight. *There have been many disagreements, and times when each person was very angry, but never a fight. *

*The reason is 3 simple rules....

1. Do not raise your voice.
* * -When you shout they shout louder. *Ever shout at * *
* * * someone and have them calmly answer you back, * * *
* * * stops you in your tracks.

2. Don't name call.
* *- By calling a person names you are being rude and
* * * hurtful, this makes the person desfensive.

3. Don't bring up the past.
* *- What happened last week can't be changed. *Try *
* * *instead to refer to things that can be done in the
* * *future. *Instead of, "You never take out the trash,"
* * *say, "Can you write down on the calander that every thur.
* * * night you have to put the trash out." *

The key to these things is that you give your partner a way out. *If you are yelling, and belittleing them they have nothing to do, but defend themselves.

*Communication is what keeps a relationship together, or lets you know when it is time to move apart. *The key is to have good communication that works towards a solution. *

* So Bewitching, work on the communication is a kind and calm manner. *It will strengthen the relationship you have with all the people in your life.