"Your Cheating Heart"

[vagabondprince]

So this is a bit ironic coming right after my post on true love...


since we're so far apart this summer, my girlfriend and i had an agreement that we'd have an open relationship for the summer, and she promised to tell me what went down if i ever asked. At the same time we had done this, i had expressed how sacred sex was to me and that it would hurt me if she slept with another guy, but she couldn't guarantee to me that she wouldn't. she said she'd try, but that was it.

Now i went and asked her the other night if she'd been dating this summer, and the answer surprised me a bit considering how close we'd been at the end of the semester and how close we seemed on the phone when i talked with her. She has been dating and has kissed several guys on and off. Gave a list of about five or six at least. She didn't say right away she had had sex though, so my hopes were still up, and i asked "since you didn't say anything about it at all, have you had sex with anyone" "yes" was the reply. my head just started spinning. i didn't really know what to think about it since it is currently an open relationship, but also considering my views on sex, and i still really don't.

There is of course a reason i am writing all this. I am faced with a series of dilemmas. First is the issue of sex. There are two sides to take on this, and my mind is split between the two. Considering she and i are in a serious relationship (coming up on a year in sept. if we stay together), i believe she shouldn't be sleeping around with anyone else. It did only happen once, but it still happened. I don't know whether that is more important or the fact that she was totally honest with me and did not try to hide anything or refuse to tell me.

Another dilemma is what to do in the fall. School starts in three and a half weeks. When i talked to her about what she wants to do this semester she said she wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship, but she really wasn't sure what she wants our relationship to be like. Ideally i would like a committed relationship. i am just a serious person like that. But i would settle for an easier going relationship as long as it is an exclusive relationship where neither of us is dating someone else. I just really don't know where to draw the line if we get back together at the beginning of the school year and start to talk about our relationship and start making compromises of what we want. And I don't really know what to do if i don't get what i feel i need with those compromises.

I'd like some sound advice on any or both of these issues. Your help is much appreciated, thanks

[WallyLlama]

So we have yet another example of the difficulties associated with "open relationships."

It seems to me that she did basically what she agreed to - nothing more, nothing less. The bottom line appears to be:

You have different views on what constitutes an open relationship.

You have very different views on what your relationship with each other is - you want committed; she doesn't. That's the issue that you need to examine.

Changing the words doesn't change the meaning. An "easier going relationship" that's exclusive is a committed relationship.

You're right, of course, to admire her honesty. One of the things that she's been honest about is that what you want is fundamentally different than what she wants - at least for the time being. And she also told you that she doesn't have much respect for your views on sex, when you think about it.

What to do? I'm inclined to think that unless she changes her mind, you either accept her terms and wait for her or you accept her terms and don't wait for her.

[Zool]

Personal opinion is open relationships don't work.

You are either in a relationship with someone, or you are not, i personally don't cater for anything else between those two.

If i was in your position, i'd have to break things off. I too want committed serious relationships, and the idea of being in one with a partner who is even prepared to entertain the idea of sleeping with someone else, let alone actually doing it, just seems ludicrous to me.

[lilly2279]

Okay, I read your post.

Here is what I think. You're obviously getting your heart broken by this girl. That happens a lot on these posts, it seems. My personal opinion, should you choose to hear it, is to tell her you do NOT want an open relationship if you care about her that much.

If she is not willing to commit, then what are your plans? Are you just planning on dating other girls "in the meantime"? Till she comes around and decides she now wants you?

Please don't hold out for someone who is so nonchalant about a relationship you value. don't let her hurt you. Open your heart to other people if that is what you wish. I know it is tearing you apart that she is dating and sleeping with other men. She has the potential to fall in love with one of them.

tell her how you feel and do what you feel is right.

[LittleFury]

Seems to me like she wanted a way out. Sorry. She wouldn't have had sex with other guys. She would have waited for you. I was able to and I was with the guy for less then I month before summer started.
I know it would be painful, but I in your place would let her loose and just enjoy life as a single until I found someone who's on the same wavelengh as I am. Would hurt in the beggining, but in the long run it would be for the best me thinks. Good luck.

[vagabondprince]

just in reply to littlefury's reply. I don't think it was an issue of craving or needing sex and going out and finding it. i will give the whole scoop on what she's told me about that night. she said she had been out with a good friend all day, and when they came back it just happened.
She said that the thought of hurting me stopped her from doing it any more than that time because she knew what it meant to me and knew it would hurt me...but i still don't really know what to think based on all of that. she did have sex with him after all.

[mspersia82]

I know it must hurt you to know that your gf wants to date other people but you can't make someone want to have a serious relationship with you. If she's young she may not be ready for one and that is understandable. It's possible that she's not in love with you anymore and so wants to explore her options. I suggest you give her her space and focus on other girls, maybe some that want to be in a serious relationship with you.

[vagabondprince]

how exactly does one find those girls mspersia?

[mspersia82]

Well you should not actively go on a mission to find a girl because then you may get caught up in a rebound type situation. You should just go out with your friends, do things that you like, and if you see someone you think you like take a chance and approach them. With time, you'll just get lucky and find the right one for you. I used to dwell on men too that were not showing me the amount of attention that I was showing them. I wanted to be more serious than they did. I learned though that that is a complete waste of time. Relationships must be mutual. Both people must want it just as much for things to work out.

[vagabondprince]

I am so in love with my girlfriend. it feels so weird that i have to consider breaking up with her when i feel that way towards her, but there really isn't any other way if she doesn't want an exclusive relationship. It would hurt too much to stay with her even as friends.

The one major problem with me breaking up with her is that i kinda have to stay with her at least the first two weeks of school, because i am flying up to her state to accompany her to a wedding reception over labor day weekend. I agreed to fly up with her before i found out about her dating others and sleeping with another guy.
I worry that i'll get caught up in the pleasure of being in her company by that time and not want to end it with her when i really should, and end up making the compromise of having an open relationship again.