sweetheartz_2001

[sweetheartz_2001]

I am a 21 year old college student living with my boyfriend. For the 4th of July he went back to Chicago with one of my friends. We were all cool and I trusted both of them and didn't think anything about it. Later on that evening he calls me and tells me he's been sleeping with her since March. I was devastated but since the moment he told me us breaking up didn't even cross my mind. Anyway at first he told me he wanted to work things out with me but he didn't want to give her up. Now 2 weeks later they are together. Both of them act like I am supposed to just get over it, but this has been my baby for seven years and don't understand how if he loves me as much as he says he does how can he hurt me like this. For about a week after wards I didn't eat a thing. Not cause I was starving myself but because I just was never hungry, this is very unusual for me. I am so depressed especially over the fact that they are together. We agreed to continue living together mostly because of financial reasons and because if either of us leaves we'd have to drop out of school and I don't want to ruin my future over this. For the past couple of weeks he's been staying with her but I still see him almost every day cause he "Wants to check on me" or because he "misses me". He's made it verbally very clear that he doesn't want me any more. I love this guy so much even through all of this and since he told me he's done some pretty mean things. Why do I want him so bad if he doesn't want me back. Why do I feel so depressed over a guy who basically just broke my heart, stepped on it and spit on it. I hate feeling like this and don't want to become a person who dwells on this for the rest of my life. I really don't feel like I can love another person like this again and that I'm destined to be lonely, crying over him for the longest. Please help.

[WallyLlama]

A reply, no matter how carefully worded and encouraging, is probably not going to be enough to help you see through the many emotions you are experiencing. One reason for that is that the words will be logical and emotions are not. There is no simpleanswer to the question "why" you feel the way you do.

But part of the answer lies in the fact that our emotions are a product of how we think. As you've indicated yourself, you don't want to dwell on this... you see the potential affect of that and it ain't good.

You're going to have to have some conversations with yourself. You don't have to hate him, but you are going to have to get him in perspective. The large reality is he's gone and at this point, that's largely all that matters. It doesn't too much matter where he's gone, etc. He's gone.

It may sound strange at first, but you might look into how people handle grief... you have, afterall, lost a loved one.

You're going to have to have some changes of scenery. Go to a park and watch some kids play and hear them giggle. Maybe get on the swings and play with them. Go to happy places where there's laughter and love.

You can't love another person like you loved him. But you can love another person differently... perhaps even "better." It may be hard to see that through the tears, but you will if you keep looking hard.

Hugs!

Wally

[Tessie]

((((sweetheartz)))) I am so sorry for your pain. It is an awful thing to be treated like that after all you have put into this relationship.

7 years is a long time and its going to take awhile to get over it and move on with your life. You need to feel your feelings and let time heal your brokenheart.

I would listen to the advice Wally gave you and try to take small steps to heal yourself from this grief. It is like a death of sorts and that is something everyone must deal with in their own way.

Try to be good to yourself. You will love again of that you don't have to fear.

[oberon]

Hi sweetheartz_2001. *Let me first say that I am so sorry for about your current situation. *People can be really @#$% sometimes. *I have NEVER understood someone jumping into another relationship before ending the one that they are in. *

I think WallyLlama is right with his analogy to dealing with grief. *This relationship has in fact died- tragically and dramatically. *It sounds like you are still somewhat in the denial stage what with "I still want him" and all. *Personally, I tend to move straight to anger. *And in this case, I think you have plenty of justification to be angry. *I can understand a relationship not working out, but I can't see where it is ever okay to go looking for someone else until you have dealt with the current situation. *That just seems selfish to me. *But there isn't really anything you can do about that. *You aren't going to fix him. *You need to take care of YOU.

I am sorry that finances prevent your getting away from him at the moment. *I would suggest you start distancing yourself from him. *Do as WallyLlama suggest and take yourself to some fun places. *Most importantly start meeting new people. *I don't mean look for a new relationship, but just people you can hang out with. *After seven years, I would guess that you share the same friends. *You need some people who are just your's. *

If at all possible, I would start looking at ways to afford school and housing on your own. *You certainly don't need it in your face everytime he goes out with her. *It may take some time, but I'm sure you can go it on your own.

Just know that what Tessie said is true. *When you get ready, you will find love again. *All you have to do is be willing to look. *Who knows? *The next guy may be ABSOLUTELY perfect! *Well, we can dream, can't we? *

Take care and the very best of luck.

[monie]

Wow. I sort of just had a similar situation. Except I am 18, and I was with my bf for 9 months, and he did not cheat on me. So I guess I feel your pain to a certain extent, but perhaps not as deeply.
I was sharing a student apartment with him. I moved out this past Monday, three weeks after we broke up. I am now living in another state with my grandfather and sister- sleeping on the living room floor. I too got depressed when this happened to me. I didnt eat, didnt sleep, all i did was go to work. But now that I am away and out of the situation, I am starting to feel much better. I suggest trying to get out somehow, even if it means having to take a semester off. I am going to a community school part time this fall, which is a step down for me. But I feel that it si much better to be away from him and be starting my own life. So I really suggest finding a way out.
I agree with it feeling like a death. I have had 4 deaths in my life. after my grandma died, i did not eat for a month. I alomst died. So the best thing for you is a change of scenery, so that this does not happen to you.
Good luck.

[dragontears]

I had an older friend when I was 21 who told me that if you can count the number of TRUE friends on just one hand in your whole lifetime, you should consider yourself lucky. I have through the years come to believe this. Some friend you had to do that to you -GRRRRRR. But it takes two to tango, as they say, so he's no better. One thing that has helped me in the past was just to turn the pain into anger. I'm sure most therapists won't condone this but it helped me. I just put it into my head that He's Gone, and this is a new beginning for me. I got my mind off of it by avoiding memories of him, (pictures, places we've been, movies, anything that reminded me of him.)

Better that it happened now than ten years down the road.

The best way to get over someone is to just find another, in my opinion. God Bless!

[sweetheartz_2001]

Thank you all for your kind words. I really do see now that the best thing for me to do is to leave the situation completely. I still see him fairly often even though he spends the majority of his time over there and I still talk to him everyday. I am starting to see that it will be damn near impossible to get over him and shake this feeling if he is still in my life like he is now. It really helps reading your replys and everything. It's kinda like I embarrassed to go to people I know because we were together so long and everyone, including me, had so many expectations when it came to ourrelationship. I always would tell my family and friends how happy we were together and how we would soon be married and everything and now I feel so stupid to say that we broke up because he cheated on me with this girl who was supposed to be my friend. Everyone believed we were the happiest couple and now all that has gone down the drain. I am still pretty depressed and sad about the break up but I guess time will heal all wounds, right. Anyway just wanted to say thanks for listening.

[WallyLlama]

But have you gone any where or done anything that's fun?

I'm glad things are coming around for you... stay on track and keep moving forward.

Keep us posted, will ya?

Wally

[lilly2279]

Hon, we have ALL been in your shoes. And we can all feel what you are feeling right now. The feeling that takes over your body is the weirdest and most frightening feeling. Your mind keeps mulling over what has been done wrong.

You get upset everytime you realize it is over. You can't bear all the wasted time and all the things you have done together.

The truth of it is the old quote "Time heals all wounds" It sucks, but it's true.

Distancing yourself is definitely a step in the right direction. Taking time to take care of yourself and looking around at the people you have left in your life. How is your support system? Join some clubs, etc and get out with some people. Don't sit at home envisioning those two jerks doing things together. The truth in that situation is that both of them are cheaters. It's going to happen to them too. One of them is going to get tired of the other and will start roaming. Won't that be a kick in the pants? As long as you don't let him come roaming back to you, it will be cool eventually.

I, myself, would not be able to be friends with either of them again. Trust broken to that extent is unrepairable.

You will find someone worth your attention. In the meantime please know we have all been there and know exactly what that kind of pain feels like. It goes away and you find something better. I promise.

[sweetheartz_2001]

Am I crazy? It's been like a month now and I still feel very sad. I did feel a little better until last night when my ex calls me and even though we've been on ok terms and talking everyday, he tells me that the girl told him she loves him now, and he doesn't know how he feels about that. I literally broke down, hearing that crushed me. I am so heartbroken. There aren any words to describe the way I'm feeling. One minute he tells me that he does want to be back together and literally the next minute he says that I'm fighting a losing battle. I don't know how to read into the situation. He acts like he still wants to be together, he says sometimes he wants us to be together, and then he goes and tells me something different. I am so upset, sad, and everything else, I want him back so bad and just when I feel like I'm getting over the situation, he comes back and makes me feel like crap. Anyway just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.