the nosey ones

[thetease13]

this is long but i need to get it out.

ok, so me and my guy, we've been "together" off and on for around a year now.
even though our relationship is on the not so normal side, just like any relationship we have the nosey people who seem to want to butt into our lives. they don't know what's going on but have always speculated things even before we actually started messing around on the side.

some of the people who started the rumors have slacked off. one of them is still going strong and another is starting to join in on the "fun".
the rumors die off after a while, but then, because people seem to have no lives, come back in full force. i say rumors because well, we've only officially gotten together once and by their means we're f***ing everyday behind their backs and if it were at all possible, even when we're standing there talking to each other, i think they want to believe we're standing there f***ing each other in front of them all.
and i also say rumor because the whole talking about us started from a rumor. they say i did something to him in broad daylight when i didn't, and i swear that with my life. and it just spread like wildfire.

these are the same people who cry out about people butting into their lives and whatnot yet do the same thing to me.
i'm not a believer in a lot of things really, but i believe that you should treat others how you want to be treated. i believe in karma and that what you give is what you get returned so i believe one day, something will happen to them tha will open their eyes a bit more and eventually figure out to butt out of things where they don't belong.

but my question is, how do i get rid of them for now?
me and my guy we have slacked off a lot since we first started when it comes to being able to get together when people aren't looking. most of the time we do get together is when the two nosey ones aren't around.
anything i could possibly say to them if they ever approached me about it (which they don't, they only approach him and it's putting him in a not so great place, and they he tells me, which they don't know about and i get pissy and want to bite their heads off.) could very much backfire in my face. it's not that it WOULD backfire, but it could, and then he'd leave and i'd never get to see him again, which wouldn't make me the happiest camper in the world.
this guy is my friend. he is a great friend. he was my friend before we ever started doing something and i hope that we will remain friends even after all this goes to hell. it all boils down to people more or less just don't want us to be friends and that irritates me. i am a person where you can mess with me all you want, but you mess with my friends and i'm your worst enemy.
we've agreed (agreed meaning we don't want to but we know we have to) to somewhat take a break again and to pretty much only talk to each other when we have to, so i guess that's somewhat of a start even if it's hard.
we were put in a very tight spot the other day because everything got cancelled at the last minute, and unfortunately, one of the nosey ones was around to hear it all and i just got off the phone with him and that's pretty much what's making me type this post.

ok, so this post was more of a therapy for me just to get this all out.
but really, if anyone has any idea on how to make them go away for the time being, it would be appreciated.
and please, don't give me the lecture on cheating and blah blah blah. i've heard it from people on this board enough. i don't need to hear it again.

[Brauul]

Tell your guy to simply say "That is none of your business. talk to someone else about this, but not me". It sounds like they are trying to get information about your relationship through him, and it is hurting you in the process. I don't quite understand what you mean by something backfiring, but if it is a friendship then tell them to suck it up. I mean if they can't be mature enough to understand what is going on and to respect it, then they shouldn't be your friend (if that is the case..don't know who they are to you). I am not sure who the nosy people are, but I assume they aren't family or something. If you cut off their source of information (basically both of you tell them to get a life) then it should die down completely. You 2 are in a relationship and only you know what is going on. By cutting all the lines of comunication to the inner workings of the relationship, you should start to have less and less instances of it happening. Just my opinion.

[thetease13]

it's really not that simple though.
i'm going to assume you haven't read my other posts about my relationship and just tell you that he is married. i am "the other woman" in the relationship....which is why i stated i've heard all the cheating lectures and i don't care to hear them again.

the fact that if someone found out about us would mean that he would lose his job and his kids and his marriage as well.
while i'm not so sure he could care about the marriage, but his wife would take his kids and having the kind of job he does would mean that he would get fired from it and never be able to do something he loves so much again.

he is my friend above any and everything else. if i said to them that he is my best friend (which he is really) and that he knew something that happened to me and he is the only one that knew, they would continue to pressure him about what it was and why he wouldn't tell them and it would just start a whole bunch of other rumors none of us need.

they are my co-workers. i know they feed off drama. i've been working with some of them for years. i know how their minds work and i know they are all about the drama and talking about people behind their backs.
telling them to get a life would just make them speculate more. i know some of them just say they're "teasing" and "joking" but it's to the point where it hurts sometimes and gets aggravating.
he's thought about leaving several times. if he leaves, i'll never get to see him again. we may talk on the phone occasionally, but actually seeing each other would 99.9% be out of the question. i've thought about leaving, but i'm not gonna let a couple nosey co-workers have their way with me. i like my job, even if i can't stand a few of the people i work with.

it's all just more or less a lose-lose situation, neither of which side i really want to be on.

but i do appreciate the reply.

it's not the first time we've had to do the "break" thing and if we survive this one, i'm sure it won't be the last.
it just seems to get harder each time. blah.

[Tessie]

Yeah your in a tough situation to be seeing a married man that has so much to lose and working with him to boot.

Nosy people feed off the gossip they think they can get. You and your guy have to go the extra mile not to give them any fuel for their fire.

It won't do anygood to say anything at all to them because that will just get them going even more. I would ignore it as best you can and be very careful like I already stated.

Good luck. *

[thetease13]

it's just...hard.
by ignoring them we pretty much have to ignore each other for the time being.

imagine someone putting your best friend in the same room as you (or really, anyone you're close to) and you not being allowed to speak to them.
it's like taking a kid shopping in a candy store and then not letting them have any candy.

he brought me out of a world of loneliness and mild spurts of depression. i don't really want to go back into it.
i know that one day we will break it off, and i won't like that but atleast it's something we agreed upon, and not something that was forced upon us.

[WallyLlama]

I know I won't get any awards for being compassionate, but I think most of what you've described is the price you pay for having the kind of relationship you've chosen to have, particularly chosing to have it in the workplace setting.

Your most accurate statement is that it is a "lose-lose situation."

Since you clearly don't want to hear about the realities (lectures) of your situation, I'd only add that you can't control what people think, do, or say whether it's positive or negative. You are not going to get rid of these coworkers and human nature being human nature, they are going to be interested in you, him, and your relationship.

The "ignore it" advice isn't going to be easy, but it is the only advice that makes sense.

[thetease13]

no, you certainly won't win any awards because the thing i described can happen in any relationship..and do not tell me it cannot.

there are certain people others just do not want together.
lies will be spread, people will be nosey. *people will pry and do everything they can to break others apart.

i just figured maybe someone who had been through the nosey stuff before could help me out a little bit.

and i've heard all the realities before, i don't need the continuous broken record to keep playing by the same people. *it gets old.
obviously the "reality" it is not stopping us, so there's no need for the same people to continue to play the broken record.

[experimenter]

Well, I don't think you will ever come up with a satisfactory solution to your problem. People in general have a weakness for gossip. It's not something that will go away. In a perfect world it wouldn't exist, however, in a perfect world your relationship wouldn't exist. I have to agree with Wally. I think the type of relationship you have chosen carries with it more hardships. I honestly believe that if you were seeing someone who wasn't married (meaning you or he weren't cheating and having to sneak around) you would not be having this problem. Can you really tell me that rumors would bother you this much if neither one of you had anything to lose. (Meaning he wouldn't be facing divorce, losing his job, his kids etc?) Those generally aren't issues in a regular relationship. I know you don't want to hear the lectures etc, and you said that he brought you out of a bad time in your life etc, but have you or he ever stopped to think about the damage you could do to his children if your relationship was found out? His kids will hate him for cheating on their mom, and will hate you as well. We already have too many broken homes and children who are messed up emotionally due to parents getting divorced. If it were me, I wouldn't want to add to that.

[thetease13]

i didn't want to hear the lecture because that's NOT what this post was about.

this post is not about the "i've slept with a married man and have a "relationship" with him".

and YES, rumors and crap can happen in ANY relationship. believe me. if people do not want to people to be together, for whatever reasons, they WILL find any way to tear them a part. other people on this board have proven that with their posts. people always help others with relationship problems and what not on this board, but everytime i go out and seek help, all i get are the same stupid lectures from people when that's not even what the durn post was about.
this is one of the most open minded forums i've seen, yet, everytime i say something, suddenly, half the board becomes narrow minded and doesn't even bother to see that's not what i'm looking for.

so, anyways, to all of you who have helped me, thank you.
to all of you who continue to want to give me the stupid lecture, please, go find someone else to give it to.

[experimenter]

Tease, you can get upset all you want, but are you really expecting people to give you advice on how to continue seeing a married man???!!! You are asking us to give you advice on how to continue with a relationship that many people view as wrong. I don't believe that this is a particular problem that you will get solved here. You can call me close minded or small minded or whatever you want. Facts are facts. And really I don't know how much I could respect someone who promised his wife that he would love, honor, and cherish her till death, and has no problem cheating on her. He obviously doesn't care what his actions may do to his family. You say you are friends, fine, but you need to find a guy whose life is totally open to you.