Girlfriend can't "grow up"

[Ragnarok]

Hi, I'll just start off and say we're not having any problems with our sex life.

My girlfriend is can't seem to grow up or she's scared...we're both 17. I've been together with her for over a year and a half so it's a serious relationship, but I'm concern for her. She doesn't want to step into adulthood, as in, plan a future, get a job, etc. She has good marks and would have no problem being accepted into any university, but she doenst even know if she wants to do it. She can't seem to handle things by herself, like one time, I gave her a ring for our anniversery, and she forgot her all jewlery (including my ring) at a change room, she didn't even try (or want) to call the place to ask if they have it, and it ended up her dad had to call for her to get her stuff back, and I was hurt by this, because I felt like our anniversary ring wasnt even worth the effort of a call. I try talking to her about this stuff all the time, one time I was talking to her about getting like a simple job, not for the money but just job experiance, and she paused and started crying and told me she's scared.

This is kind of the "strain" of our relationship, because I don't want to feel like I have to "take care of her"...

Maybe we're still young, but maybe the older people here can give me a word of advice.

[thetease13]

the thing is, she IS still young.
everyone grows up at a different rate. when i was 17 i was scared too. people had to do things for me.
i'm 23 now, and well, sometimes in life i still like people to do things for me...because honestly, i'm still scared in some ways. i've lead a sheltered life and new things aren't exactly my cup of tea.
but over the past year i have grown up a lot. and yes, it took my guy to do that. he showed me there was a lot more to life and even if he doesn't know it, he has helped me mature a lot.

i know that doesn't help much but i don't think there's much i can tell you that will help you. maybe as time progresses, she'll mature a little bit and grow up. but other than that, i really don't know. everyone needs their own childhood time and their own time to be a child, and some just need a little bit more than others.

[Ragnarok]

Maybe I'm too caught up in those damn people that drill stuff into your head like, YOU GOTA GO TO UNIVERSITY OR YOU'RE SCREWED, GET JOB EXPERIANCE OR PEOPLE WONT HIRE YOU.

I hate this time thing, it feels like right after high school we're being thrown into the fray or soemthing.

I guess I just love her a lot and I don't want our relationship to end because of something stupid like that

[WallyLlama]

Of course no one has to go to university or get a job. They can find other people to take care of them.

From your first post example I'd say she may be scared but she's also spoiled.

You probably already are "taking care" of her in ways you don't even necessarily realized. You say you are talking to her about this stuff all the time... that's part of the role of a caregiver. You may not be buying her groceries and paying her rent (yet), but I'd suggest you take a long hard look at your relationship with her, even though there are no sex problems.

Your second post confuses me, though. I the first it sounds like you think she should be more responsible. In the second it sounds more like you're upset that society expects responsibility after high school.

Don't blame society. If she won't pick the up the telephone and make a simple phone call... that's not society's fault.

Yes, we should give the young the opportunity to be young and time to grow up. But we should also expect them to grow up and take some responsibility for themselves and their actions. Any 17 year old who can't make a simple phone call and cries at the thought of working has a problem.

If she's willing to acknowledge it and start working towards some degree of independence, great. But don't be surprised if she doesn't.

Wally

[thetease13]

i haven't said this in a while...but i agree with wally, atleast for the most part.

i don't agree with the phone call and crying and having a problem thing. *when i was 17, that was certainly normal amongst people i knew. *getting a job was scary. *and some of my friends are still working on trying to find jobs because the job market sucks and no one will hire them. *and of the ones that do have jobs, our job certainly doesn't have to do with our degree(s).

when the time is right to grow up, they will.
you can't expect them to change in a day. *it's not possible. *it may take a year, or 2, or 5, or 10 or in fact, she may never grow up. *and when she doesn't, someone will always be there to take care of her which in a way, is a good thing so she doesn't get hurt but a bad thing because no one is still giving her a chance to do it on her own.

[demonbuttercup]

im like that in some ways at 26. mine is more of a shy thing.
i can make phone calls but i can't make phone calls where like i have to call and cuss out the cable company or something like that and be assertive and ask for a free month..lol.
i was totally nervous my first job. luckily i knew a few people there already. im VERY nervous about finding a new job now that ive moved to FL. i don't know anyone here, im afraid of being around new people, im scared of not doing a good job and sucking at it...lots of other shit.

its true tho that right at graduation is a very hectic time in your life. you feel like you are supposed to know what you want to be "when you grow up" but usually you have no idea. even if you think you do, you go to college and after awhile realize that isn't what you want to do. you have to start over and it takes forever. ive been in that place for awhile. im still in college lol. hopefully ill graduate in a year tho. then its like, now what?

[Brandye]

She is seventeen and you two have been together for a year and a half. The chances of your relatiosnhip lasting through separation at college(s) and other happenings of the late teens are slim. If there is a problem, it is hers and nothing you can do will change it. If you are the one in pain, look at what YOU can do to alleviate that pain.

Neither of you has had much time to grow up. Perhaps you are dealing it with it better than she; perhaps not.

[Greendale]

You should take care of her, that's the whole point of having a girlfriend is taking care of your partner. It would be disrespectful of you to dump her.

[Rawbob]

Hi.....well..a few things popped into my head when i read your question and the replies on this thread....so here goes.

Pardon my "cold water/slap in the face" reality statement, but, at 17, there's really NO such thing as a "serious relationship." You're both just entering what could be called "adulthood." And while you, your family and even society may have exepctations of what it meas to move on to adulthood - all you can really do is PLAN and TRY!.

The vast majority of us are NOT doing today, waht we thought we might be doing with our lives at 17.

I know that at 17, i HATED the concept of another 4 years of school and just wanted to be independent for a while. As far as a job, heck, McDonalds was good when i first graduated high school. It wasn't alot of money, but i could put gas in my car, pay what litte bills i had and still could go out with my friends. I learned very quickly that STUFF cost money and money comes from work, and there was a big differnce between a JOB and a CAREER. So, 2 years after i graduated highshool (and 2 or 3 fast food jobs later) i DID go to college.

As far as your girlfriend goes, as i said before, I know if FEELS like this is a serious relationship, but trust me, 6 years from now you'll look back and wonder at how much has changed and how much you're grown and matured (as it applies to love and relationships).

I'm not saying that once in a great while, 2 people can't meet as teenagers, fall in love, and grow old together and live happily ever after. But i AM saying the ODDS of that happening are greater than a million to 1! Does that mean u kick her to the curb? No, but it also dosne't mean you stifle your own growth because of her immaturity. Sorry there's no pat answer here, but thats life.

If you have plans and dreams - you need to follow them. She may or may not be a part of them - thats her decision.

My advice is to try and stay focused on YOU, on your short and long term goals and to be CONSISTENT in following those dreams. Try not to get side-tracked, or sucked into unnecessary drama.

Nothing comes without effort. There are no free lunches. No shortcuts to weath and success.

Have fun, work hard, make friends, travel, love, grow. BE! Don't live for others, or work to fulfill what OTHERS perceive you should or could be. Listen to that voice inside you and follow. Be kind. Be fair. Be honest.

[vagabondprince]

it seems to me like you're doing a job that is normally reserved for someone's parents when that someone is only 17. At this point in your life and relationship, bugging her about college and a job is not really the right thing to do. it makes you seem more like a parent, when a relationship at your age, even a serious one (sorry rawbob, but i have to disagree with you; a relationship at that age can be very serious), should* be focused more on enjoying each other's company and sharing life in the Now. She will find her calling when her time comes, and it usually comes easier with less pressure. When she does start to consider her future rather than run from it is when you should* step in and give a helping hand. As rawbob was saying, it is easy to find a job at a fast food place, and any job like that will generally scare anyone who is not truly lazy into a realization that there are better things in life.

*i use the term "should" to refer to what i believe is a reasonable choice. i do not use it to say you must do that or even to say it is the best solution, just what i think is a good one