Can't believe it

[tboltkc]

I found out tonight that my wife of 9 years has been "talking sex" with a person she "wishes she would've dated before we met" that she has known about as long as I've known her. If it had ended there, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but she also sent a "bedroom picture" of herself to him, and was expecting a picture of him before I found out. She says that's as far as it was going to go, but the emails I found indicated different, even with her insistence that was it.

What now? I believe nothing has happened yet, but do believe if it had continued for another month, that it wouldn't have been it. She realizes how f'ing stupid she was (supposedly) and swears it will "never happen again". I want to believer her.

Any comments would be appreciated.
-Travis

[oberon]

All I can think of sounds like psychobabble.... Trust and Communication. *

Either you trust her or you don't. *I can't think of much to add to that.

Communication. *Why would she want to cheat? *Is she unhappy? *Can you work this out together? *Talk to each other and REALLY LISTEN. *Maybe she's just using this guy as a fantasy. *It doesn't necessarily mean she would want him instead of you, or that she doesn't love you. *The two of you could possibly scout the internet together and just have fun with this. *It all depends on how open you can be with each other and how much you can trust each other. *Just talk (try not to argue or be defensive) about it. *

Good luck. *I hope it all works out okay for you. *Keep us posted.

[Tjdude]

I would realy like that it could be as simple as to try to talk about it. But the reality is different. You may trust her now and find out later that she was cheating all the time.
As you say, she'll cheat on you if you didn't find out, so where is the trust? where are those 9yrs gone? I'm not saying it's all over now, but i don't think a cheater (or a wannabe cheater) deserves any consideration.
GL

[WallyLlama]

Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a minute!

A nine year marriage.

A partner in the marriage takes advantage of the anomity of the Internet to explore herself and her sexuality... (I'll probably get attacked for this, but I'd say it's akin to getting into one of those video games in arcades and driving the race car.)

As for her emails suggesting they were going to actually get together, that's the point of fantasy, isn't it? It's called "pretend!"

As for trust... well, that's a two-sided issue in spite of the common view. Not trusting someone is never 100% about what that person does or does not do. IMHO, this isn't even about trust, really.

It could be a simple desire for some excitement and adventure. Why not go looking for it together?

I'll bet your nine year marriage didn't last that long by you both being intolerant and explosive. Why start now? Look at what's good and get this into perspective. She's not an axe murderer and she didn't become "f*ng stupid" just because of a few emails.

Maybe you should send each other an email listing what you love about each other and why you've been together all this time.

That's just one idea.

Wally

[Rawbob]

How did u find all this out? Did u have any indications? Has your sex life been less than fulfilling? Be honest..how would you RATE your sexlife?

Fantasy is a powerful thing....but most don'tgo past that..especially internet chats...people say ALOT OF THINGS online they would NEVER SAY face to face, nevermind DO in reality!.

If i were to guess (assuming she was just fantasizing) .i would say she was referring to wanting to have had more SEX with others before getting married...and he was just the "topic du jour).

Take this opportunity to talk about sex, fantasy, the internet..etc..and get back to us with the answers to the questions above! THERE ARE ALWAYS 2 SIDES TO EVERY STORY!

[tboltkc]

Ok, I forgot to mention a couple of things. First of all this is a friend IN TOWN that she has known since college. Email was just one means of communication they used. Apparently during one of his explicit sex dialogs (which is apparently common for him no matter who is around) it came out that in college, they both wish they would've dated each other.

This is not just anonymous internet usage. I believe some of it at least was live an in person.

If it was just a thing on the internet, it wouldn't bother me as much, but since it's a friend that has had the hots for her for that long it bothers me a lot.

As for our sex life, it has been better since our second child was born last year that it was in the previous 8 years together.

[tboltkc]

Oh, and as to how I found out and if I had any indications. I have always had a suspicious mind about this guy, and she knew it, but always gave the old "we're just friends" thing. And I believed her.

Then I knew she took some pictures of herself in the bedroom (while I was downstairs on the phone with my parents), and never told me about it or showed them to me. I came accross them in the deleted items while looking for something else. And my stomach just sank. I had the feeling they were for him.

Then Tuesday night I got on the computer and she had left her email open. Since I had this suspicion, I looked (wrong probably but...) and sure enough, found an incriminating thread.

[WallyLlama]

Okay... the fact that it wasn't an anonymous Internet thing makes it a little more scary, but I still hold to most of my original post.

Fantasy... living on the edge... adventure... it could be that simple. Fantasy with someone you know (particularly if they are pursuing you anyway!) can be VERY exciting.

I can understand that you'd feel betrayed and hurt, I think most guys would. What I find most interesting is the apparent determination to "incriminate" her for something you've already judged her guilty of. You don't have to justify any feelings of betrayal. If you spend all your energy doing that, you'll find yourself totally alienated from her at best.

As I tried to point out earlier, trust is an issue that involves both partners. Your attitude is just as important as her behavior if you are interested in repairing this.

The question you have to answer is not whether or not she "fooled around" or was going to... The question you have to answer is whether or not you love her (and she loves you) and whether or not the nine years you spent together are "evidence" it's worth making the effort to stay together longer. If you each give the same answer... well, it won't be easy, but at least you'll have direction.

At the moment you have a direction... you better figure out if you like where you're heading.

Wally

[Tessie]

I was going to post last night but got distracted and couldn't finish it.

First I acknowledge how painful finding this out is for you tboltkc. I think that the fact she is doing this with someone you know and don't trust is a huge thing. The fact that he lives in the same town is very dangerous.

I also wonder about the ease in which you found this out. Could be she wanted you to find out and stop her before she really did something she would regret. She could have covered her tracks much better if she had wanted to. That is something to think about.

Now I will come clean here and say that I have had internet relationships and am currently in one that is wonderful and passionate. The difference is that mine is a long distance relationship and we both fully understand that what we do on the net stays there. We both have no intention of hurting our spouses and take the necessary steps to insure that.

What I do during the day for my ownself doesn't interfere in my real life. I actually think it helps. I get certain needs met that I don't get at home and that cuts down on the nagging. LOL.

I am not advocating what I do at all. I am just saying that for many men and women this sort of thing is done for a variety of reasons.

But you do have a different circumstance here. You know this guy and you have had feelings of doubt about what their relationship is. So, now you must deal with it and like Wally said figure out if the nine years together is something that you and her want to perserve and make stronger now because of this.

You do need to ask yourself what is she getting out of it? What is she missing from you? Is is just the thrill and excitement of being paid attention too and treated like a sexy woman that she likes? Because if that is what it is then you can fix this.

I like Wally's idea of you sending her an e-mail listing what you love about her and what about her gets you hot. If this guy has become some kind of habit for her then you need to replace that habit. Not squash it and think she won't do something like this again.

Being hurt and angry is natural of course. But it won't solve the problem. Look at your wife with compassion and try to understand her reasons. Communication is the secret to a happy marriage and its something so many lack.

Good luck and I wish you both the best. *

[Rawbob]

Ok..so now we know how u found the pics and thread....now, how about your sex life? Putting aside the potential that you are a rabidly jealous person by nature - you still didn't answer the question?

How's your sex life? Do you initiate it or does she? Do you even talk about sex or fantasy or anything? Are you a controlling and/or jealous person by nature or just this guy?

Have there been any major changes in your marriage/relationship? Have you moved lately? Changed jobs, lost a family member or other stress-inducing event? Have you or she had a change in their body since you got married (ie: either of you lost or gained alot of weight?) How often do you masturbate? Do you look at pornography online or have cyber-chats with others online?

Hope we hear from you on this?