Not feeling very sexual feeling

[Bail]

Hi,

This is my first post. Great message board!

I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 months. Everything is going very well and I can honestly say that I intend to be with her forever. Everything is going fine and dandy between us except for one little thing.
She has been unemployed for quite some time now and she suffered a big professional setback two months ago (she has a degree in law and wanted to be a judge but flunked in one of the necessary exams).
She is 30, still living with her parents and it has been very difficult for her.

She isn't feeling very sexual which I fully understand. So we don't have nearly as much sex as I would like. The problem is, it is driving me up the wall! I'm nearly always hard when we are together and am having problems enjoying anything at all (I hope I won't sound like a complete pervert) - All I think about is taking her to bed. She is (slightly) aware of the problem but I don't want to tell her as I *know* it would hurt her feelings.

I feel quite frustrated and, mentally, it is very tiring. And I feel kind of stupid when we're doing anything (take a walk, have a coffee, whatever) and can't stop thinking about sex - I am a scared that this frustration will start to show in other areas of our relationship.

Anyway, what I want to know is... do people get used to not having sex with their partner? I mean, will not having sex now affect the amount of sex we will have in the future?
Don't take me wrong: I love her to bits. And I fully support her - I know she is not feeling very well with herself at the moment.
I guess I'm just seeking reassurance that this "not feeling very sexual" feeling is temporary!

Cheers,
Bail

[WallyLlama]

"Not feeling very sexual" can, I think, become a habit. It's the deathknell of an active sex life in many marriages. Couples get used to not being excited.

I'm probably going to oversimplify this, but I think you might look at this way: you seem to be fully aware of (and understand) her professional problem. There is truly no reason not to ask her to be aware and understand "your problem."

The key is not that you both simply sympathize, it's that you help each other cope with and solve the other's problem. More importantly, is that you both work together to keep your individual problems from ripping apart the relationship.

Can you help her professionally...? Get her to a career counselor... encourage her to retake the exam she failed?

Can you "help" her sexually by creating a "special night" when you both simply focus on each other?

In many of my posts, you'll see that I emphasize that feelings are usually thought driven. If she's thinking mostly about her career, she isn't going to think much about sex. Similarly, if you're thinking about bedding her, you're not going to be particularly interested in her career issues! ("I have trouble listening when my dick is so hard!&quot

So the short version is... it's time to start talking together about how to shift each other's thinking.

Habits form quickly.

Wally

[Bail]

Hey,

First of all, thanks for your reply.

I'll start off with the professional side: Yes, I can help her. Everyday I go through a couple of newspapers and a few websites that have job ads. At the moment, our priority is to get her a job with which she is satisfied with, if only a little. The exam she flunked is yearly, and to take it she has to undergo the whole process again (various exams and she gets _very_ stressed). She doesn't want to do that until she feels more secure professionaly - ie, has a job (with everything that comes with it). Emotionally, I do my best!

Special night-wise, well, yes. I do do that sometimes. I try to create special occasions and to make her feel special quite often. Actually, I think I overdo it a little!
Maybe you got the impression that we don't have sex at all. That's not it. We just don't have sex very often.

The solution to this problem is, obviously, talking. My problem with that is that we've had (more or less) that conversation before and I know it hurt her feelings. Although this has changed over time, I try to reassure her as aften as I can, she is very insecure about herself, sexually speaking. Having me say "I want to have more sex" isn't going to help in that area. Don't take me wrong, sex is _really_ great, for both me and (I have every reason to believe so) her.

Another reason for not openly talking about this is... I'm a little paranoid myself! The last thing I want on my mind is that we're having sex because of _me_ and not because of _us_. I'm not paranoid up to the point that I think it would become a chore to her, but I do need to feel desired.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I know there isn't some miraculous thing I can do to change this overnight. And yes, it is difficult to listen when my dick is twitching all over the place. I can and do do it, but it _is_ hard!

I think just "talking" about it makes me feel a little better.
I will continue to try to make this go away, and definently not make it habit!, and maybe bring it up with her (in the most subtle way I can!).

Please forgive my very rusty english. I'm not used to speaking/writing in english anymore.

Cheers,
Bail

[oberon]

Okay, I've thought about this a while and maybe I can offer a "little" something. *

My suggestion is sort of under the "special" things catagory. *Why not do things for her that aren't necessarily sexual but have the potential to turn into something sexual? *Like maybe a nice hot oil massage (just to relax her because she is so stressed) and if things turn sexual, fine, if not, that's okay too as long as she enjoys it. *You could also take a shower or bath together. *Just relaxing, but with the chance to be more.

I think you can also let her know how you feel, but in a nice way. *Sort of, *"I love you so much, I want you all the time." *And let her know that anytime she wants to initiate sex you are more than ready! *Make it about love and wanting to be with her, not just about sex.

Good luck and take care.

[monie]

I agree with what oberon said. I know if i was stressed, i would be more likely to have sex with my guy after a nice massage or shower/bath. It wont work everytime, though. And make sure you are not giving her a maasage just to get some. Make sure she knows you care.
Good luck!

[duckie]

I totally agree.... I think that making her feel special again would help! I mean even though the exam that she took and failed may be hard and many people may have also failed this exam in the past that doesn't matter. Do you know why? She failed it! She may be questioning her choices that she has made professionally and wondering if she has made the right decisions and that is a blow to her confidence and self- esteem I'm sure. Try to make a special day for her to let go all of the stress that she's had pre and post exam. If you can afford to give her a spa day take her out to dinner and do something just for her after dinner(quiet movie at your place) or even dancing and a night on the town! Help her forget even for just a little while. If the spa day or even massage is out of budget. Do it yourself!
But, in some ways helping her through this will in turn help you out in the end.
Best of luck!

Let us know how things go!

[WallyLlama]

Catching up on this thread... I think it's important to note that "the problem" appears to be largely how she's feeling about herself. While a special night or massage may help temporarily (and result in some great sex LOL) it may not solve the fundamental issue.

Since you say you tend to "overdo" the "make her feel special" thing, I'd say there's a danger of assuming too much responsiblity for how she feels. It doesn't take very long for a realtionship to get out of balance! I also find it interesting that you say she's "insecure sexually." Another red flag.

And, occasionally having sex simply because you want it (even if she's not too into it) is not such a terrible thing. The best relationships include some accommodation of and to each other! It is rare for a couple to hit it on the mark all the time!

Watch that fine line between being thoughtful and compassionate and "handling her with kid gloves." Don't give up your rights or needs. Continue to build a relationship with give and take and a willingness to help each other. You should never "look up" to your partner... never "look down" on them either. You should always look each other straight in the eye.

Wally

[Brandye]

Take a look at what you are saying. She is thirty with a law degree, unemployed and still living with her parents; you have been dating her eight months and want to spend the rest of your life with her. At 30, she expects to be a judge?

You do not have a sex problem (but you will if you stay around long); you need to get your perceptions straight. Nothing about this sounds like a propitious beginning to a long and happy marriage.

[Bail]

Hi,

Thanks for all your replies.

oberon, monie and duckie:
I do those kind of things on a regular basis. And not just to "get some"! I know it makes us both feel good. Honestly, as I said before, I think I do make her feel very special, which she is, on a daily basis.

In the last few days I've been feeling a little better about the situation. If her sex drive isn't that high at the moment - ok, so be it.

"And let her know that anytime she wants to initiate sex you are more than ready!"
Well, I think that's more than covered! I think there is no doubt in her mind about that! lol

"Watch that fine line between being thoughtful and compassionate and "handling her with kid gloves.""
I admit that I am somewhat guilty in that aspect. I don't do it on purpose, obviously, but sometimes I do get the feeling that I overdo it. I've been trying not to and hopefully will improve on that aspect.

"And, occasionally having sex simply because you want it (even if she's not too into it) is not such a terrible thing. The best relationships include some accommodation of and to each other!"
Yes, I can get that. Although it would be nice not to have to be the one taking the initiative almost every time.

Although I agree with everything WallyLlama has said, I do feel guilty thinking "You're not that up to it but I need to have sex anyway". That's probably my biggest problem. The feeling that I'm not being sufficiently understanding.

"At 30, she expects to be a judge?"
That's a discussion that's been going on for quite some time here. Amongst other things (like having a clean criminal record, etc), you have to have had a law degree for two years to apply to the exams. So, potentially, you could be a judge at 27 (finish high school at 18, 5 years for the law degree, the two years you have to wait and the two years at "judge school&quot.

"Nothing about this sounds like a propitious beginning to a long and happy marriage."
Well, maybe not on paper! But apart for her professional problems and my/our sex thing, everything is perfect. I really do like her and get the feeling she really likes me!

As I said, I've been feeling a little better about it all. I'll sit patiently waiting for further (sexual and otherwise!) developments. I know it has been difficult for her. I will try to continue to surprise her and to make her feel special while taking care not to exaggerate it.

Cheers,
Bail