Ok maybe im not a dating guru..but i need a guru

[CoLdWoLf]

Ok right now I am happy, but i guess i have a lot of issues i need to get off my chest and hopefully you older and more wiser people can help me with the current situation i am in..jeez this is gonna be long i know it..

Ok I've been dating this girl for over 8 months now, I'm 19 years old, and I honestly look to myself for advice but this may have done it for me, I am at a breaking point and extremly confused even though i won't let her know..jeez..i hope one of you guys can help me. Ok to start off i gotta start from the beggining so you understand this girls mind.

When she was 15 years old she was raped by her step-brother who still lives in the house (pool house across the real house, because now hes not aloud into the house) but she never pressed charges on him, lets just say that went on for a year, shes now 18 years old and shes well...extremely strange person and I'm the type of person who can read someone and talk to them for 2 hours and understand who they are, I've been with her for this long and still don't completly understand her which is maybe why I might be so attached to her. Ok anyways to contiune on with my story, this guy took her virginity unf.(yeah i know it makes u wanna kill the guy) but he did, and shes become so i guess you can call it 'Numb' to other peoples feelings that its just unbearable at times. Now heres when i come in, I met her at a party with a bunch of my friends, one being her ex, they were 'talking' again but i kinda swept her off her feet , anyways things go great the first month, we have like no problems what so ever, the 2nd month roles around and i start noticing some disturbing things, like random dudes would just call her, including her ex boyfriends who would leave like 10 messages on her phone in one day type deal, well to make matters worse she becomes stand offish and very difficult to communicate with at sometimes and i just don't know how to break that barrior sometimes, on the other hand according to her I'm the only guy that could ever read her so well and understand her, go figure. Ok to jump to the real problem, we broke up 2 weeks ago because i guess an old flame arose *sorta* and she went back to him, but just recently after not talking to each other for a week she realized who she really wanted and thats me. We just recently got back together on *secert* terms, or better yet, no one knows but only we know type deal but its official (did that make sense :-p?) Anyways this dude calls her constantly and I'm not the jealous type of dude, but its starting to get irratating, she tells me how she wants to change and become someone diffrent and such and i try to help her but I'm sorting losing hope and its SO difficult to trust her! but the WHOLE reason i typed ALL of this is for the few of you Guru's or relationship gods and goddess's haha, to show you how she is in a small paragrah haha, the real question i want to ask you guys

How do I help her change?
How do I help her overcome such a tramatic Expereince like her Step brother?
How the hell can i learn to trust her after all that?(shes been with so many dudes i just don't know)
She says shes in love with me, I love her very much and i want to change her, and she wants to change to but where do i even begin, i always thought seh was strange but it took her 7 months to tell me what happened in her past and it sorta makes sense now on how shes So indecisive and such.

i guess my biggest question is....to you women esp.
HOW do you change or help a indecsive person :-/

SO CONFUSED..any help would be apperciated you guys..i really love her :-/

[thetease13]

by far i am no relationship guru...or genius...or much of anything.
i've never had a boyfriend. *i'm in a relationship but he's not my boyfriend. *i'm not sure what to call him really. *but my relationship is well, complicated...but that's a story we won't get into today. *lol.
i will however say this.

if a person really and truly wants to change, they are pretty much the only person that can start the change.
she says she wants to right? *but has she done anything? *i'm betting no. *just saying you want to isn't going to get you anywhere.
i say i would like to work out and that i need to work out. *do i do that? *of course not. *too much effort. *lol.
she has to be the one to take the first step in the changing direction. *yea, you can be there for moral support but she has to be the one to do it. *she has to be the one to cut her ties with all these other people. *don't force her to do anything..that can backfire in your face later on. *she was obviously forced to do something earlier in her life and i'm sure she wouldn't like it if another guy forced her to do something else she didn't want to do or wasn't ready to do at that time.
get what i'm saying?

if a person is indecisive that means that well...they aren't ready for either outcome...to me atleast. *she isn't ready to cut ties with the other people but isn't ready to just be with you.

i really don't know what else to say other than that.
again, i'm no relationship expert. *23 years of never having a boyfriend and the relationship i'm in now is just a complicated mess in which most people would have done given up on.
but maybe what i said helped a little bit.

edit: wow i can't type at 12:30 at night. please ignore any spelling errors and typos. lol.

[CoLdWoLf]

I understand that completly and Im not forcing her into anything my prob with her really isnt about the guys, its about what she does to guys, she would tell me she would play games with guys in her past and u know i just dont wanan be another game piece in her life i wanna be real u know? and trust me i know what complication is where not that far apart from ages :-p but thanks for the response anyways and i never thought about things that way, the force thing ill keep that in the back of my head

[WallyLlama]

Sometimes it's important to come at things from an entirely different direction and I feel compelled to raise the possibility that she's not telling the truth about everything. I know that's harsh, but "been there, done that." I had a (much too long) relationship with a woman who was "raped" by her stepfather, etc. and had LOTS of problems.

When I finally stopped feeling sorry for her and dumped her, she admitted she'd made the whole thing up. Her explanation was that it was her way of avoiding dealing with certain other relationship issues.

In other words, you may want to consider the possibility that you are being used and played like a violin. She's done that in the past, you've said.

When people "hold onto" earlier trauma, there's not much an amateur can do to "help" them change. They spout the rhetoric about changing, but in a strange way, they use the trauma to their benefit. (I'm not suggesting this is necessarily intentional or that the person even realizes they are doing it.)

It's not terribly fancy advice, but I'd suggest you encourage her to talk to someone with a bit more training in therapy and or counseling. I'm not suggesting she's nuts, but you both need help with this.

Wally

[CoLdWoLf]

Oh she has, and to mention the fact, yes its true because her little 10 year old brother told me in private one day because at first it was hard to beleive her so i asked him, and he loves me so he didn't tell her anything, i see your point wally which sorta scares me, shes been to a higher profession and it didn't help her, she claims I'm the only person that understands her so well, I myself, take phyc classes in college because thats my major, but even that information can't ever help me, no matter how much i know about the human mind, its not gonna help me understand woman :-p if anyone else has insight please Ill take this all in, if not, wally and tease thank you ill keep this all in the back of my mind and try to figure out what to do.

[oberon]

WallyLlama and thetease have pretty much covered the bases here. Telling you that "only you understand her" may make you feel good, and it certainly gives her an out, but, if you'll pardon the expression, it's crap. If she hasn't stuck with therapy to deal with the molestation then, whether she believes it or not, she needs to. But as thetease said, only she can make that decision. She has to WANT to change and to get better. Until she decides to, then she's going to be an emotional rollercoaster. And YOU have to decide if you can or want to deal with that.

Good Luck.

[CoLdWoLf]

thanks i need it...i just hope I'm doing the right thing by sticking by her

[WallyLlama]

One thing that probably needs to be added... it is nearly impossible for a person - no matter how qualified - to help another with a deep pyschological problem if they are emotionally involved. Providing that help requires a dispassionate approach that most people are not capable of maintaining.

Since you are "sticking by her," I'd encourage you to stand tall, be caring, but don't get sucked in and sucked down. Expect her to relate to you in a mature way. In the final analysis she needs to find a life in which the past never happened.

The fact that she says you understand her so well is not necessarily a positive. I think there are going to be times when you should not understand her and you should not accept her behavior. In an over-simplified way, it has to become, "Yes, I understand what happened to you. What I do not understand or accept is why you are continuing to allow it to control your life."

Ouch, but that is also a deeply compassionate statement.

Wally

[oberon]

Well said, WallyLlama.

[CoLdWoLf]

I have said almost that exact phrase many of time in diffrent ways before, and her response most of the time is "baby..i don't know, but I am trying to overcome it because i want to be good for you" almost everytime thats the response i get when i bring up the subject when i notice shit...On a good note guys i got good news about this since yall helped i might as well update the story...

Remeber the guys calling her? well they only call her cell..well today she changed the number on the cell phone, to show me that she wants to change from her old ways, I told her if she wants me to see a change then show me with actions don't tell me..and she did..what do you think about that move? and about her serious issues she is open about it with me very open, cuz i guess she trusts me a lot im not sure, or wants to use it to her advantage im not sure either, but it usually leads me to conclude something or to tell her that what he did to her shouldn't motivate her to feel a certain way now or to make her somewhat play 'games' or show revenge to her b/f's or be in control of the situation. i usually tell her straight up, and according to wally im making a boo boo

But there ya go updated :-p