JEALOUS BOYFRIEND

[WallyLlama]

Your first paragraph is of course true... there are many people with a jealousy problem and there are ways to help.

My earlier comments were based on the fact that no where in this thread do I see, "This really bothers him and he wants to stop being this way."

A wise old friend of mine used to say:

The first step to solving a problem is to figure out who "owns" it.

The person who owns it is always the person who is bothered by it.

If he wants you to help him be more secure with you, great. Blaming his ex-gf and other friends isn't going to accomplish anything. Until he owns the problem, he doesn't have one.

But you do.

Think about it, please.

Wally

[Bewitching]

What i should have noted was that he KNOWS he has the problem NOT ME and he does want to do something about it. *He said to me himself that his past with women has made him this way. *Not only him, but his friends also have experienced women whom have all cheated on them and surprise, surprise, i'm different to the rest of them.

Fact is, he's tried what he can and hasn't gotten anywhere. And when the man i love hurts because of something that bothers HIM, i hurt too.

At least he has admitted to having the problem and wanting to fix it. *I'm in need for advice as to how.

[WallyLlama]

IF (and I still think that's a big "if" - acknowledging one has a problem doesn't necessarily mean they truly want it fixed) he really wants to change, you both have to focus on behaviors and thoughts and forget the feelings. In other words, he may "feel" jealous, but he must learn not to act that way and not to talk that way.

You both will need to negotiate what you do in the relationship... for example, if you're going "out with the girls" and he flies into some jealous rage, you might ask, "What can I do to make you feel more secure about my evening out?"

If he says, "Stay home," you have a serious problem. If he says, "Call me halfway through the evening," that might be reasonable.

Make it about what you both do, not how you "feel." Change the behavior, change the thinking and the feelings will follow those changes. Remember that you are not trying to get him to stop being jealous, you're getting him to trust you.

From what you've written, he "learned" to be jealous from past experiences. He can just as easily "learn" to trust. Quite frankly, what I'm hearing is that he's justifying his jealousy based on his past experience. That will not get him (or you) anywhere. Forget the past, look to the present and the future.

Wally

[Rawbob]

TRUST IS NOT GENETIC! What has been learned can be unlearned - but that is also a decision.

Here is my point, and i'll make it hypothetical for clarity:
Dick and Jane are dating. Dick is 23 and Jane is 21. Dick and Jane met 9 months ago and started dating seriously 6 months ago. Both Dick and Jane had recently come out of a prior relationship where their respective partner had Lied/Cheated. For the first 6 months of their relatioship, Dick and Jane got closer and closer. From dinner and movies, to weekend getaways, to family gatherings - they spent most all of their free time together. Then things started to change. Jane's job started requiring more time, and even having to work weekends. She made some new friends at work, and her best friend just got engaged and Jane was asked to be her maid of honor. Meanwhile, Dick's life was very consistant.

Jane's new schedule began to cause Jane to have to spend less time with Dick than the prior 6 or so months. While Dick said he "understood" his daily calls began to turn from affectionate "just calling to hear your voice and say I LOVE YOU, to the 3rd degree"

While Jane notice this, she always reassured Dick that her time with work, and friends all were explained and he had no worries. Jane always called if she was going to be later than expected, and NEVER blew him off without explaination. But, Dick's calls became more anger-filled, their time to gether was more about checking and double checking her stories, and him driving by her work and locations she had told Dick she would be at.

END OF SCENERIO

[Rawbob]

Ok. So. If we read this scenerio, and read Bewitching's sitiuation, it's all a matter of perception.

Men, or women, who have been lied to or cheated on in prior relationships have every reason to FEAR being hurt - but they CANNOT FAIRLY ASSUME that every person they date or care for will ALWAYS lie or cheat.

That's what Dick was thinking and thats what it sounds like Bewitching's bf is feeling.

The solution is very clear, while not easy for the "insecure" partner to face. That solution is facing and accepting the following:
1) You cannot physically account for your partner's whereabouts 24/7.
2) If you "double check" on your partner a couple times to just "Make sure" he/she's telling the truth and they ARE. STOP CHECKING! If your fear was unwarrented, don't start an unending spiral of checking up and spying if there is no EVIDENCE of lieing or cheating.
3) If you want to see your relationship END, keep spying and trying to control your bf/gf - no matter HOW much they love you, no person can live happily in a virtual cage - eventually they will leave.

Also, for those on the "being controlled side" do take a bit of pity on yoru partner. Aside from their being "burned" in the past, (um, welcome to the human race, we ALL get lied to and cheated on in our lives), remember that any significant changes in your life (work, family, friends, etc) that cause a change in the amount of time u both spend together MAY trigger the "jealous meter" in your partner.

It's funny how during the first few months of dating and "infatuation" your bf/gf's constant calling was cute, fun, and romantic - but 6 months later, it begins to feel like intrusion. Keep sight of that. ALso, as every relationship progresses, there is a stage between infatuation and total committment where alot of things can happen. As you get older and more experienced in the ways of relationships, you get a feel for this more easily and re-double your efforts to keep things in perspective and order.

Hope this LONG diatribe helps!

[Bewitching]

Wally and Rawbob, thank you a lot for the feedback.

Although i felt this is what had to be done to fix the problem, i was glad to hear it more elaborated from you both, furthermore giving me a guide as to how to talk and go about the situation.

I'm going to try my best to do what i can. I didn't want to just bring it up at the spare of the moment however. I think we should talk about it more when i give him advance warning that i'm going out without him and set it down.

Again guys, thanks for your help. I know you guys are here if i need any more advice.

[3ATM3]

Well,

Let me tell you a little story, I met my girlfriend about 7 months ago, we started dating but she had a lot of guy friends just like I had a lot of girl friends (not like that) but anyways we both agreed to not contact them via the phone, notes in school, etc because that was reserved for us and I remember I used to get mad because these guy would come up and try to grab on her with me right there because they didn’t think I cared so finally I got to the point where I knocked a guy clean off his feet and he was out cold and I got in trouble..

The point being, after that everyone knew not to mess with me or my girlfriend and I realized how protective I was, not really jealous, I look at my girlfriend as my lover and my best friend (if that makes sense) and I've always been aware of her family and friends, her dad is a lazy crack head, and her mom works two jobs. But here recently I've become very relaxed about guys talking to her I just woke up one morning and I was like "Why am I stressing out so bad about her talking to guys, she says she loves me and she wants to marry me, I should trust her" so I did just that, I let her talk to her friends and what not (although the guys over the phone and notes were still off-limits, along with the intimate hugs she was giving them before we met) and she has done the same, I now run my normal life, I still talk to girls but in the end she’s the one I love and will always come home to.

So,

Morale of the story, you need to tell him you love him (if you really do) and would never cheat on him (if you wouldn’t, and you can really emotionally scar someone and make him/her have trust issues with the rest of their mates, if they have any more) and that he shouldn’t worry, encourage him to talk to your girl friends and let him get to know some of the guys you talk to, it'll work out trust me.