Is looking at other girls out of his control?

[starburst697]

Ok, me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 19 months. We were in a long distance relationship for about a year, and towards the end of the long distance part, he started to have doubts. He felt that we weren't as close as we were before, and wondered if things would be the same as they were before when we were together again. This all came out of nowhere, I was completly shocked by it. He told me that he had thoughts of talking to other girls, although he never did. After talking about it, we both thought that it was because we hadn't seen eachother on a day to day basis for a year, and that that could have definatly strained the relationship, being there emotionally for eachother, but not having the fun aspects, like going on dates, and just being with eachother. He said that when he had wanted to hit on another girl, it wasn't specifically about the girl, just the idea of having a normal relationship having that fun and excitement that comes with dating. We've been back in a normal relationship for about two months, and now the problem is I can't get over the things that he said. I mean, hows a girl supposed to react when her boyfriend says "I want to marry you, I love you, you're the girl for me, but maybe we shouldnt' be together now." Everytime we're together, I'm totally happy, and then the thoughts of what he said come creeping up and it just totally depresses me, and I tend to get quiet and don't want to do much, which is completly out of character for me. This ends up getting to him, because he feels there is something wrong, and can't do anything about it. Last night he said that he still feels that way sometimes, that he looks, or in his word "lusts" after girls, and feels bad about it, and wishes he didn't. We're both 19, so is this a combination of his age and just being a guy? I used to be very confident about our relationship and very secure that I didn't have to worry about him wandering, but now it bothers me constantly. I know he would never cheat on me, he tells me that and sincerely means it. The things that I worry about him doing are completly out of character for him, I know he wouldn't ever do them. The problem is now, when he told me how he felt before, I was so caught off guard by it, I feel now that since before I never thought he would feel that way, I dont' know how I can be really sure that he won't do the same again. It's just that I can't get over the idea that at one point he was thinking about hitting on another girl. When I'm with him, I feel like I spend most of the time checking to see if he's checking out other girls and just being paranoid rather than enjoying being with him, and I know that's starting to affect things. I'm worried that if I can't get back the security about our relationship soon, that it will end up driving us apart. Is it normal for guys to check out other girls? He doesn't do it when I'm there, at least I don't see him doing it. I know its unreasonable to ask him not to admire a nice body when he sees one, and it would be unreasonable for him to ask that of me. He says that its just looking at a nice body, rather than thinking the girls hot and wanting to go hit on her. In a long distance relationship, would thoughts of hitting on someone else to gain the excitement of a relationship that's not there because of the distance be normal? Sorry its so long, I'm just so torn apart by this. Please help!

[Payton]

Ok even though you did give some details, you didn't say whether or not you keep the same routine. When you are together do you do different things together? Or do you keep it as dinner and a movie so to speak? Even in my relationship (married 2 years and have a child) if we keep the same routine then we both tend to wander what it would be like with someone else. I'm not exactly sure but I would say to an extent this is normal. I mean if you have a partner or not you will still have fantasies. If your partner isn't truly secure with themselves (like me) this tends to hurt, sometimes very badly. I'm not sure of all the aspects of your relationship but some spice never hurt any relationship. Be creative, think of new ways to do the older things, and always try new things. This will keep the excitement alive for both of you and these tendencies will fade away. They have worked wonders for us.
I hope this helps. I'm not an expert by no means.

[Rawbob]

You're only 19. I know that sounds crass and short-handed, but my goodness, you have your whole lives ahead of you. You MAY live happily ever after, you may break up, you never know. So don't dwell on things you dont' have control over.

If you are yourself, and are honest with him, then you are doing all you can. Do NOT assume straying eyes mean he's cheating.

It means he, like you, may notice a hot looking man/woman on the street or TV or the movies. Its normal.

Only when someone ACTS on those thoughts is it an issue!

Don't make a mountain our of a mole hill....enjoy the fact that you are together and focus on that!

[Bewitching]

Hi Starburst! *

My goodness, i can not begin to exaggerate how i know just how you feel! *I have been in the same situation before, but now i can proudly say i am no where near as bad as what i used to be.

I have been with my b/f for the same amount of time as you and your b/f, and we are all the same age, so i can relate yet again! *Ok, so here's what happened to me:

The first time i ever had a proper conversation with my current b/f, he told me about 10 minutes into the convo. that he had an exgirlfriend that went to a school i had just previously mentioned, and to add the best bit in, he told me she looked like Britney Spears and everyone used to call her "Britney". *Well, that just made me feel great there and then, particularly cuz i hadn't had such a hot looking guy go after me before!! *and my whole life i've never been confident within myself, i was always degradeing myself. So ever since then, that's all i thought i was compared to - good ol' little Brits. *I even despise her! *We never really had a relationship after that though, i thought he was too up himself and just like his other mates (playing girls around all the time). *Then he came crawling back after giving me a 2.5 month break from him! *Well, it obviously worked!

So anyway, that was the key that made me so unbelievably selfconscience, a little like when your man told you he'd "consider" hitting on another girl. *Basically, it makes you feel like mould at the bottom of a pool with a broken filter (if you've ever seen one!). *Makes you feel like complete S#*t, and as if you're never gonna be good enough cuz you have to compare yourself to the enemy, and in most our cases, its the beautiful women we see everyday. *Couldn't men be the beautiful of the humans? So anyway...

Just after our first year anniversary, our relationship was finally hitting the rocks, through constant arguing and assuming things of my boyfriend i should never have assumed. *I know for a fact, there is no way of getting a man to stop looking at women, but its the WAY they look at them. *Quite a number of times, my boyfriend would see an attractive woman, and he'd give a short nod of his head as in "she's alright" and saying it in his head kinda thing, obviously not thinking i'd see. *This got to me SO MAD, and i was constantly worried and depressed about our relationship. *When this happened, and i confronted him finally, that's when the rocks hit, and it was "We have to fix this now, or never cuz we're not going anywhere with our relationship". *Which was true - i felt like shit all the time, and he was constantly in a bad mood because i always was.

I then confronted him of my problem, of how i felt i was competing against "Britney" and how insecure i was about it. *He couldn't believe i had said nothing earlier and then understood why i was like i was. *However, the perving on other chicks thing still became too much for me, particularly cuz we all know men aren't very discreet!

I then had to come to terms that men in general are all jerks to us women, and that's just what we have to live with!

So this is what i did as a relationship and self confidence boost; *I started off by purposely saying to myself in my head "he loves me, i know it, he loves me so much" and it just made me believe it more and more. *When there was a "hot chick" around, and especially if they were going to be around for a while (eg. the train trip home), I made sure i had his full attention and even started raising topics that interested him - not me. *And if a TV ad came on (which are the worst perving targets) with a girl half naked on it, and you just KNOW he's gonna be perving hardcore, i grab my b/f's attention by looking at him straight in the eye and distracting him somehow (by touch or talk), and if he keeps looking away from me to the tv, i have a very quick glance at what he's looking at (even though i already know), and no doubt straight away, he's realised and full attention is on me. *On the way, you have to show your full confidence in you BOTH and smile a lot at him, let him know you're out there, and if he aint careful, another man will sweep you off your feet and take you away. *I'm not saying that that's what's going to happen, AT ALL, cuz that's the last thing i'd want, also! *But make him realise that he's the one that's got way more to lose, and make him realise you are THE ONE and other men would appreciate you just as much. *This was the kind of technique that basically made him realise that i'm tuned on and with the program, so perve in your own time, sweetheart! *This started to ease me down a lot with the whole paranoia thing, and its like now, i can't even be bothered looking. *It's just a chick, he's seen many before, and i'm not going anywhere, especially when he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how he wants to be with me forever. *Hell, we've now got matching tattoo's resembling infinity! (even sweeter - it was his idea and he got his on his heart - awwwww!)

I also started looking and admiring other guys, too. *There's no WAY i have fantisized about any other guy, other than my b/f and that's the truth. *I am a female completely in love and my b/f turns me on like there's no tomorrow. *He's the most gorgeous creature ever created and i'm so glad he's mine! *But in doing so, it made me more confident that there's no need to get so mad, because of my feelings towards looking at men were nothing but just thinking "nice butt" or "nice legs"...but there will never being anything more perfect than my imperfect b/f whom i absolutely adore. *and i'm more than sure after this time and overcoming such horrible experences, he loves me so much. *I know for a fact, that he loves me more than ever before, because confidence is not only on the inside, but it fully glows on the outside, and you'll look more beautiful than ever before.

You have to remember, however, men will be men, and that's all there is to it. *

I'm not sure whether it will work for you or not, i can only hope! *But if you take my advice as far as building your confidence within both yourself alone and your relationship with your b/f goes, using my tips or your own ideas, he will notice an even more beautiful you, and he will never want to leave you.

Just remember:
1 - Keep confident within yourself as a beautiful person
2 - Keep confident within the relationship - your b/f really loves you so much or else he wouldn't still be here. *Think about it over and over. *He loves you!! And the more you glow with confidence, the more beautiful you'll be to him and the happier the BOTH of you will be.
3 - Start doing the same thing and look and ADMIRE at other men. *If you do, you'll grow more confident! *I dunno why this is, however i do know that there's no sexual feeling involved what so ever. *If by one day he just happens to say something, you'll know what to do. *Look proud, sexy (i mean it! even when he's mad, he'll still be falling head over heels for your cheeky smile!!) and say "don't you like me admiring the figures of other men? *You know i love you so much" or if that's not the approach to go (depending on the person he is - you'd know way better than me obviously!) pick another way, but make sure you're in the right and there's no backing or rebutting for him. *If he wants to get really technical, then you get technical too. *
4 - Remember to train yourself for dealing with his absolutely NORMAL actions (looking at other women). *You will sooner than later realise its not that bad, and your b/f loves you so much, and that's why you can also get away with #3, because you then have a bit of fun on your own, knowing where both your feelings belong - TO EACH OTHER!

Good luck Starburst, sorry if i may have come across a bit of blabber, but i really do hope that i've helped you in some way or another. *I hate to see and hear innocent great women like yourself having to deal with pain and depression because of the natural ridcule we all have to put up with! *Once again, i really hope it all goes well for you as it has for me. If not, you know what to do and expect in the future!

[monie]

Hey Bewitching,
I just read this whole thread. My boyfriend and i just broke up last week (long story- the post is called "Boyfriend broke up with me" if you want to know more). Well for the past few days I have been thinking about what we should not have done in the relationship and what not to do next time- be it with each other or other people (i really hope each other.) I know that one of my mistakes was an insecurity issue. It was partially a prob. with other girls, also with porn. I dont want to have this prob next time, and have been wondering what to do so that i dont. Reading your post definitely helped me. We still hang out, so i know what to do if i want him back. Also, you gave me tips for how to boost my confidence. I feel better already! Thanks so much. I will keep your tips in mind everyday. Hopefully next relationship will turn out differently.