Should I keep working at it?

[Heather76]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 5 1/2. We have a 4 year old daughter and have been seperated since March. We have decided to stay together and have had many long talks about how to fix our marriage. The problem is...I feel I am working at it more than him. I have to initiate everything!!! He goes to school, works full time and sees our daugther a couple of times a week. He says he still loves me very much, but never makes time for me in his life. Our sex life is great when we have it, but only have it once or twice a month. I don't think it is another woman and I know he is busy, but if he really wanted to make this work, don't you think he would work on it a little more? I just don't understand. I am not sure if I should just give up and get a lawyer or keep trying. Help!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent!!!

[?wiseman?]

Hi Heather, and welcome to the board. I have no qualifications or experience to lean on in this area so I'm simply going to give you my opinion for good or bad. As cliche as it is, it sounds like the two of you should see a marriage councellor. If your husband won't make the time, then go yourself.

I am not one who believes that staying in a marriage for the sake of a child is always the right choice and I don't know if this is the primary reason that you've chosen to stay together. Your daughter is at an age when she is probably beginning to sense that something is not quite right between mom and dad and she'll continue to pick up the vibes from here on out. So the most important thing is to make sure that you and your husband shield her from any negative emotions between the two of you, while assuring that you both continue to provide her with the warmth and love a child needs. And above all, don't let her get any feelings that problems the two of you have have anything to do with her.

Secondly, you mention that you've had many long talks on how to fix your marriage. If I read you correctly, you feel that you're following through on these "fixes," but your husband is not making the effort. If you're going to save your marriage both of you must be committed to doing so. If he's truely committed to trying, then that's a start and you need to start with baby steps. All the problems cannot be fixed over nite.

The first step you should try (aside from continuing to talk things out) is to get some time alone. I know it sounds sterile, but both of you should sit down with your schedules, calendar or whatever and set a fixed "us time" every week. One nite a week, every week, the two of you go on a date. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. You pick what you're gonna do next week, he picks the following week, etc- but this time must be sacred. If you or he travels in your jobs, it becomes phone time.

Second step, one has a tendancy to "attack" when trying to work through problems. Telling him that you're making all the effort and he's doing nothing will likely shut him down. When you have these conversations, try to talk about some of the things that were especially good about your marriage before things became rocky. Try to focus how you can get back to that place in time, if even for one night a week.

Do you both work? Do you talk to him about his job? Does he talk to you about yours? Each of you should try to get a better feel for what's happening at work or home if that's the case. He could feel that he needs to spend more time at his job because of competition and/or difficult economic times. Is it only work that keeps him away and "busy" or is he hanging out with collegues or friends when he's not working? If it's the latter, then some of that time is what you should be working to get back.

All good things in life require alot of work to get and hold. Good marriages require more work than anything else, but it is not THE most important thing. Try to meet with a councellor, but the priorities in my book are:

1. Your Child
2. Yourself
3. Your Marriage

Just some thoughts and opinions. I wish you all the best and please let us know how things are going.

[Rawbob]

Before I respond, i'll wait to see her responses to WISEMAN's post!

However, i will echo his stressing the importance of seeing a counselor. You've heard the old saying, Doctors make the worse patients...well....trying to "fix" your marriage without professional guidance usually dosn't work, because your feelings are clouded by your own needs, perceptions and bais!

If you're both really serious, get a 3rd party professional involved. It's not a guarantee that the marriage will be fixed, but it will help get the whole issue in perspective!

[Sweettuth]

A book I would reccomend is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I'm not married, but I really do enjoy the book, and it has done studies on couples who go to marriage counslers, and the reports show that when a married couple go's that their relationship is pretty much over anyways, and going to a marriage cousler dosen't help since it's two late. There are also the four horseman, DO you our your husband do these? They are Stonewalling (which means one person just stops talking to the other, and dosen't respind to them), criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. The book also has activities for couples to do, to get to each other better.

[newguy]

http://marriagebuilders.com/

[Sweettuth]

Hello, I went to my therapist today, and my parents are supposed to be filing for divorce, and my bf and I fought quite a bit this weekend. Well she told me that 85% of marriages can be saved if the couple learns how to communicate to one another. Just something I thought you might want to know.

[Heather76]

Thank you all very much for your input. My husband and I had a very long talk about everything and we have both agreed to go to counseling. We start on Monday. I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond! Heather

[?wiseman?]

Glad to hear it Heather. I've never been, but I'm sure it will be somewhat uncomfortable initially. From what I've read, a good number of spouses (men or women) won't go after the first time because of the feelings of intrusion. Make sure you're both prepared to see it all the way through. Best of luck and let us know how things work out.

[nodoubt16pb]

I would say that if you two are not happy then go to a marrage councilor. If he is not interested and think he doesn't have a problem then...maybe.. you do have to leave him. Two people have to work together to make things work and it is just like a bycicle.. if one wheel is loose you are likely to crash unless it gets straightened.. so you need ot tlka to him... tell him what you want out of life and him in a nice calm way... LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND most importantly NEED! You will be happier when you do so ... And if he doesn't cooperate and/or doesn't want to work things out then why be with someone who doesn't try as hard as you and/ or work as hard to make the other half happy

[juwomale36]

hang in there...
some good articles here
http://www.covenantkeepers.org/articles/index.htm