Hi all, I have a pretty big problem. I'm in a great relationship with a wonderful, beautiful girl (sounds cliched I know, but its true :D ). The only problem we have in our relationship is sex. I have a high sex drive (I'd love sex every day) but she has a low sex drive (She would be happy with twice a week, mabye even once).
By the 3rd day going without, I start to feel frustrated and upset. By the 4th day I'm really feeling crap and thinking stupid thoughts like 'she doesnt really love me'. A couple of times I've had to wait 5 days and that's hell for me. Sometimes it isnt a problem but thats rare, usually I'll ask her if we can have sex, and she'll say no. Then I'll get really grumpy, which will upset her. Then I feel even worse because not only have I been going without and feel rejected, but I've upset her.
Firstly we agreed to comprimise and have sex 3 times a week, but she forgot about that and it became a problem again. I've agreed to leave when we have sex up to her, because I don't want to upset her. She said she'd "take care of me and not leave me wanting", but I still get left 4 days. I even suggested that if were not having sex she give me a BJ every second day to stop the frustration, but she doesnt want to timetable when we have sex or oral sex becuause it feels less intimate for her.
So, to the point of this post. Is there any way for me to lower my sex drive? (btw masturbating does nothing, I'll do it 3 times a day then when I see her at night I'll still be get horny and frustrated). I know theres hormones like Seratonin (ie Prozac), but I'd rather not screw with my hormonal system. Does anyone here know of any more natural ways to help (hell, I'd even consider hypnotherapy:o ). Thanks for the help.
Well, I have lived with two different men for considerable lengths of time. In their twenties, they were both ready daily; I like once, maybe twice a week. Healthy relationships require finding a middle ground. Each night in bed I simply ran my hand down their front. If there was any sign of erection, I did something about it - by hand, mouth or vagina - my choice. This takes only a few minuted and the time invested was paid back handsomely when I wanted something - like long, langorous sex.
The two of you need to find a middle ground.
Get used to it or leave. Women control the bedroom too. I used to have sex with the wife 3 -5 timnes a week with plenty of oral.
3 years later I can't remember the last time I got a Bj and we are lucky to have sex 1 time every other week.
\
Needless to say, I am ready to leave her.
[QUOTE=Im bored]Get used to it or leave. Women control the bedroom too. I used to have sex with the wife 3 -5 timnes a week with plenty of oral.
3 years later I can't remember the last time I got a Bj and we are lucky to have sex 1 time every other week.
\
Needless to say, I am ready to leave her.[/QUOTE]
how depressing :(
Anyhoo
I wouldn't say once or twice a week is a low sex drive. Thats more like once a month.
You can't always get everything your way. Why must you whine and insist she doesn't love you if she doesn't want to have sex according to your schedule. I agree.. setting a timetable does make it sound more like a chore than something enjoyable =\
How do you manage when you dont have a steady relationship? Have one night stands every night? There must have been a point in your life where you were w/out a girlfriend and went long spans of time w/out sex. How did you cope then? Why is it different now?
Sigh.
I'm reminded of the high school argument that a guy's balls would explode if his girl didn't help him out.
I'm really not sure what this is about. It's either:
1. a gross misunderstanding of sexuality.
or
2. a fundamental relationship problem.
Wait, maybe it's both.
Unless your hormones are way out of balance (in which case you'd probably have other symptoms besides feeling horny), you just need to learn some control. Men are highly sexual, but the need isn't half as great as you are making it by your thinking.
And that thinking is carrying over into your relationship, obviously. Instead of thinking about getting laid, try thinking about what your gf is thinking and feeling... including her desire for intimacy instead of her abilities as a sex machine. (Thi irony here is that it's very likely enhanced feelings of intimacy would increase her desire.)
Stop giving the responsibility for your feelings to her. Giving the responsibility to a drug isn't going to work either. The most natural way to "lower" your sex drive is to get things into perspective and stop thinking about yourself.
Your balls won't explode, promise.
[QUOTE=Brandye]Well, I have lived with two different men for considerable lengths of time. In their twenties, they were both ready daily; I like once, maybe twice a week. Healthy relationships require finding a middle ground. Each night in bed I simply ran my hand down their front. If there was any sign of erection, I did something about it - by hand, mouth or vagina - my choice. This takes only a few minuted and the time invested was paid back handsomely when I wanted something - like long, langorous sex.
The two of you need to find a middle ground.[/QUOTE]
*sigh* If she ran her hand down my front each night, she'd always find an erection. Though it'd be great to be taken care of (like you did for your b/f) every time I was hard, I don't expect it to happen. However, it gets frustrating because after the third or fourth night of being hard she still doesn't do anything about it.
Believe me we've tried finding a happy middle ground. I'd thought we had with agreeing to 3 times a week.....but a few weeks later it was back to feeling frustrated, and when I brought it up she honestly didnt remember our discussion:confused: . Until the day of my original post I'd just been biting the bullet and not bringing it up, pretending to be happy.
[QUOTE=demonbuttercup]how depressing
Anyhoo
I wouldn't say once or twice a week is a low sex drive. Thats more like once a month.
You can't always get everything your way. Why must you whine and insist she doesn't love you if she doesn't want to have sex according to your schedule. I agree.. setting a timetable does make it sound more like a chore than something enjoyable
How do you manage when you dont have a steady relationship? Have one night stands every night? There must have been a point in your life where you were w/out a girlfriend and went long spans of time w/out sex. How did you cope then? Why is it different now?[/QUOTE]
Well, at the moment its nine days.....probably going to be ten before we do anything. Last night I asked nicely for a BJ for today (after 8 days without) and she said yes. Today came and went and I spent the day driving her around to get a bday present for her mum, then to her mums place. No sex. We had *another* talk about it and apparently she plain forgot. I really do love doing things for her, I enjoyed driving her around and seeing her mum. The probelm is every 10 minutes I'll swing from feeling happy to feeling used and forgotten.....and the whole time I'll pretend I'm still happy and all is fine.
I dont whine to her, I just bottle it up inside to make sure she's happy (thats how much I love her). Thats why I want to curb my sex drive....really, I'd rather be with her and have to wait a week for sex, but still feel genuinely happy the whole time.
And I agree, timetabling it isnt the best idea. But if she doesnt naturally think about it for over a week....then what else can we try (apart from me putting up and shutting up??).
The weird thing is, this never happened when I was outside a relationship (I've never really been in great shape till the start of this year so no one-night stands:p ). I also went through a hard-core christian period during my last relationship where I denied my then g/f sex for 11 months (and didnt masturbate either......you prob. wont believe me but its true:eek: ). I guess all thats different now is that I'm so deeply in love.
[QUOTE=WallyLlama]Unless your hormones are way out of balance (in which case you'd probably have other symptoms besides feeling horny), you just need to learn some control. Men are highly sexual, but the need isn't half as great as you are making it by your thinking.
And that thinking is carrying over into your relationship, obviously. Instead of thinking about getting laid, try thinking about what your gf is thinking and feeling... including her desire for intimacy instead of her abilities as a sex machine. (Thi irony here is that it's very likely enhanced feelings of intimacy would increase her desire.)
Stop giving the responsibility for your feelings to her. Giving the responsibility to a drug isn't going to work either. The most natural way to "lower" your sex drive is to get things into perspective and stop thinking about yourself.
Your balls won't explode, promise.[/QUOTE]
Well I know there isnt some kind of hormonal imbalance (I study biomed science) 'cause as you said, theres no other affects. I really do wish the need wasn't half as great as I think......but it get really bad. Not just the horniness, but as I said earlier I'll switch from being happy to being frustrated, upset, feeling rejected and depressed over and over:( .
I really do think about her feelings and needs a GREAT deal (she would be the first to tell you that). It makes me really happy to do things for her (esp. without being asked). So obviously in this case 'stop thinking about myself' doesn't work.
If this was just a case of feeling horny I could take care of it myself (with my right hand) but it goes beyond that. Can you please give me suggestions to enhance our feelings of intimacy to increase her desire?
OK, then, Wally has said what needs to be said.
[QUOTE=Daggit]
If this was just a case of feeling horny I could take care of it myself (with my right hand) but it goes beyond that. Can you please give me suggestions to enhance our feelings of intimacy to increase her desire?[/QUOTE]
Read what you wrote, read what I wrote. I suggested that you concentrate on her feelings and desire for intimacy. You asked me how you can increase her desire for sex by creating intimacy.
You are still making this about your percieved need for sex.
You're also effectively setting her up to fail. You "ask" for a blow job and then wait to see if you get it. Boy, that's romantic -- that must give her deep feelings of intimacy with you. Sex is not like popping antidepressents. She's not a bottle of pills that you open when you think you have to have one.
You feel used? Sounds to me like you are using her - or maybe you are just using each other. Driving her around to buy her Mum a present and being nice to her does not entitle you to a BJ. She "forgot" your discussion about a relationship issue?
If you want to know how to create some intimacy, stop bottling things up and start talking to her. Talk with you head and heart, not with your dick. By your own admission you can control your sex drive -- you did it for 11 months. Being deeply in love does not mean you get uncontrollable sexual urges and your fundamental happiness depends on how much sex you get.
If I sound a bit harsh, it's because it seems to me that you really aren't getting it and until you do the answer will elude you. Listen to yourself. When you switch from being happy to feeling depressed, rejected, frustrated... guess who's flipping the switch? I can assure you that it's not her and it's not your dick. Interesting that you went through a "hard core Christian period" that included some major issues around sex...
I'll bet you are looking for something... and it ain't more sex. The first sentence I quoted maybe be a lot more true than you realize. You don't need to lower your sex drive - you need to figure out what this is really about.
apart from sex are you intimate in other ways ? thats important for her as a girl, by the way what are your ages not wanting to make this sound like a math test just curious