Good luck on your recovery. I hope it will be swift!

Usually I'm not that easy to get down. I tend to forget I had 5 bad days, if I just had 1 that's good. It's a good thing I keep a health-diary or I'd be making things far less worse than it is when consulting doctors:rolleyes: But I guess this long term causes exhaustion that does reflect itself in more than just physical. Adding emotional issues and yes; we're in for one negative spiral. I do believe in holistic principles. So I completely agree that emotional, mental and physical state of well-being all interact. Negative feelings sure can drag people down. It even reflects in our hormonal and immune-system.

Anger and fighting could be answers. Although I mostly feel that anger only wastes my energy when it comes to health. I usually do a different kind that involves fighting for good things, instead of fighting off bad. I've found that fighting against my own body is mostly opposite to what it needs. I anger and hate, my body cramps up. I love and laugh, my body relaxes. That sort of thing :) Sometimes surrender and accepting needs to be done. Particularly when you know a health-issue has become chronic, like with my airways. When you know there's no cure, only symptom-relievers and lifestyle-adjustments. When there's no need going after primary causes, since that knowledge about yesterday won't change how things are today. Been there, done that (or at least: I think I couldn't be more calm about it ;)).

But given my current health-issues, I'm surely not ready for acceptance. I do need more information on causes/cures/symptom-relievers/lifestyle-advice/etc than I've gotten so far. I've been reading a lot about all sorts of deceases and medication, but I'm getting lost. Some have advised me to completely leave it up to the medical specialists. But that's weird, since in the end I'm the one responsible for the health of my body. Plus; I'm the thinking kind of woman, so my brain hardly rests. In the meanwhile it seems vital that I do try to keep my spirit up :)

Thank you, eek:) Sorry to hear about your pneumonia. I hope you've recovered fully? Yes losing breath is scary. I have a type of asthma, so I can relate to what you went through. I also have experience manouvring my ways through lack of energy. My life has evolved around creating storagebuffers for many years now and I've been quite able to manage it. Even if it means skipping on things. People often don't realize how it comes down to choices. Only when they grow older and realize how they can't "just" do the things they used to, they come to understand a bit of what it's like to live with a chronic illness.

I don't draw attention to it, though. I don't like being defined as "ill" when that's my healthiest state of being:) It would actually take me effort to draw attention, because all people see is a high-spirited smiling woman. Even friends that know tend to forget and I have to point it out when I really can't do something. Nowadays, yes, they may call me ill and still many say I look good. They won't know how ill I really am, until they ask and I give honest answers. :rolleyes:

Comparing it to a gasstank is quite accurate. My problem seems to be that when I wake up in the morning, my dashboard is allready on a red light. Which is pretty sad. And my energylevels are harder to estimate than they were. I don't know how I'll be the next hour. I am planning to have fun today, though :) Hope not too many issues will get in my way.

First of all to give you an impression of my state currently; sometimes I could just feel like falling apart. Like how I broke down few evenings ago. I had slept and rested all day, still hoping to make it to attending therapy and dancing-class. Even while going there I felt like every cell in my body was screaming exhaustion. But my spirit yelled: go! I refuse to give up on things that are supposed to make me feel better and help me cope. Still agree that it was a good thing to do, since I did feel better. But biking back home through the cold was terrible. Little I knew getting inside my home would become the worst challenge. I had to unlock the entrance 4 times before I was able to get me and my bike inside. Admittedly; it is a bit heavy door, but even the old neighbors manage ;) While finally inside, I just stood there crying because at that point I still had to master the stairs up to my apartment. I could barely lift my own limbs.

And then there's him; who tries to be the best support he can and comes with me to the hospital. At his own request. Frankly I was doubtful whether he should, as he is part of why I feel unstable emotionally. But it seems a good idea so far.. We tell the doctors he's my partner to not let things get any more complicated than it is. While in fact we can only state our relationship as "it's complicated with..." Copied that from a relationship-status on facebook; finally a choice of words we both agree on:rolleyes: He doesn't know what he wants. Except that I mean a lot to him. He's scared of harm coming to me. Just a few nights ago he held me while he was shaking. Because I had quite suddenly left him the other day and after that written down why. Even more so; a plea to open himself up to me, as I go crazy over this wall surrounding him. He nearly cried telling me that he really cares for me. But that it's all very heavy on him as well and that he just is at the end of his wits. And then all I could do was hold him too, because: honey, I know...

It becomes this weird balance to me; what hurts me less? What is more sane? Go without support or not? Realistically; I don't think I would make it alone... Even though it pains me to even say that since I hate depending on anyone else but myself. As much as I need support, as much this lopsided dependency is hurting us and tearing us apart. As much as I can hardly stand the way we are now, as much I still love him and enjoy his company. The song "with or without you" comes to mind while I'm writing this :rolleyes:

His dark humor covering up his doubt bothers me many times. Because I can't figure out half the time whatever he's saying is joking or not. Like; he talked about spending New Years eve together, since how else will he be eating all the Dutch donuts?:p But when I said I'd love to help him out and asked "what about Christmas-dinner then, you're not going to eat that alone? In fact you're not likely to cook it (with a wink)" there's silence. He tries to throw me off track constantly by commenting on his surroundings. Which basically means he interrupts what I say or interrupts himself. It's cute when he does it because he's an unfocused happy puppy, but not so much when he uses it to cover up a mess.

It's his way of dealing with things and I don't want to interfere with that. But sometimes it takes forms that hurt me. In the evening he asked me if he's been a good "dad" supporting me at the hospital. And I know he doesn't mean bad. He means to lighten the mood by turning things into a joke. But I could just instantly cry when he says that. Still I tried to smile; "you misunderstood silly, you're supposed to father my baby, not make a baby out of me". He smiles; "O, so that's where it went wrong". After that I just cried myself to sleep alone.

I think that this is the point where jokes are no longer funny... And it's not like he doesn't know. One of our first fights we ever had was when I became so angry with him joking about buying a new car. "It's a familycar, look, there we'll put a babyseat. There's enough room for a stroller and the entire baby-survival-package in the back and all our holiday-luggage will still fit next to it" This was after he had recently told me chances of him wanting a baby with me had become nihil. I asked him flabbergasted why he would say such things to me.. had he changed his mind? "No, off course not, just to make it an interesting car for you. You know; sweeten the deal", he responded smiling. "You shouldn't take things I say seriously" I ran away, because I felt so upset I could have pushed him in front of that bus driving by. Only later I was able to tell him what had upset me so terribly. Perhaps he doesn't remember that...

While I'm trying very hard to keep myself on track, when I'm truly honest with myself, I feel very much like my life is spinning out of my control. Or better; that I'm spinning. And sometimes I doubt whether I'm just being too sensitive regarding what he says and does... Because frankly; I am sensitive and fragile at the moment, whether I like it or not. That I'm overreacting, even though I do not literally over-react to him, but it does hunt me... Am I???

Thank you for your kind words, lnt :)
It's just that... I feel that I've failed him. For the past year he's been the one to support me. Of all the people that couldn't handle the misery I was going through, he's the one that stayed. The only one that I can still call "family". And I'm afraid I won't get to keep him. Even though his first question to this arrangement I made up, was if he could still love me...

It is rather ironic too. Coincidentally; yesterday it was exactly a year ago that I wrote him a letter filled with questions that he never responded to. I told him that we'd better stop with whatever it was we're doing, because it would be best. He didn't want to leave me. We decided that the love we had was enough, at least for that moment. On August 16th last year, few days later, I found what was supposed to be him/her/it as the definite ending of a very short pregnancy. It's still buried in a plant in my windowsill. That is also the last remaining product of the last time we were intimate together. Which was after the funeral of my best friend. I think I had hoped for the past year that we'd at least make another memory, so that it wouldn't be as much connected all together...

It is weird that we're still going on a holiday together. But I do believe it was the right decision to get this out of the way prior. He doesn't have the slightest clue of how he'll feel after. I guess I don't either.

Brandye, thank you for responding and for the warm reason why you did! :) I can't say anything but that I think your words are true.

EEK, thank you for your encouragement. You've brought the concept of "home" back to it's core. I'm sure in time I will retrieve it again. I'm sorry, that thought just made me laugh, cause you could say I'm feeling home-sick, lost in the land of Oz like Dorothy, while I lack to see all I need is my own two feet :D Though seriously: I know that lack complicates things for me, the relationship I have with him, or with anyone else for that matter.

I can't say I agree with you completely. I don't think we bonded out of mutual weakness to begin with. I was actually a happy woman with a rather successful life at the time we started bonding. He was a happy man; he had not long before recovered from decease beyond everyone's expectations. I do think there was -and still is- mutual appreciation for what you may call our strengths and weaknesses, because we both know what it means to battle against physical difficulty on a daily basis. He more so than I. But; there may be truth in that we did postpone this moment of confrontation, compared to if there had not been times of need and weakness for both of us.

No, I haven't been dancing in the streets lately. Though in my defense ;) I've recently been so ill for 6 weeks that my physician was considering to have me administered at the local hospital. In the weeks before that; I had picked up on sports and bellydancing, which I took great joy in! I'm slowly picking up on where I left off.

I don't think I consider myself lacking spirit of conquest. As a recent example; most of my colleagues do not know I've been this ill. I was only back at the job for 3 days and his project-manager asked how my bf was doing, since he was ill at home with the flu for a few days. One of my colleagues said sarcastically; "off course we're not interested how she's been doing(?)". His response "I don't have to ask, since she's hopping around glowing and smiling as usual". And I can't deny it was true; I was happily jumping around. It's how I'm usually being described ever since university; that girl that smiles a lot.

I do think I have my flaws that I need to better. If there's something I'm guilty of, it's that I'm (too) loyal, (too) patient and (too) often emphasize the bright side, forgetting about the dark. It's just that such darkness will start to eat on me as it accumulates. And at the time I notice, I confess I don't take immediate or aggressive actions. I will go a very long way before I surrender to the need and confront who I must. Often I've started to feel physically sick before I do. It's funny the word for vomiting is actually "surrendering" in Dutch:rolleyes:

I know I need to change that. A few years back, I was much doing so. And I think I'm on my way again. I need to learn again that I can stand up for what is important to me, without the sky coming down. I have lately managed to confront sooner and more effectively. Effectively, that is; I can say what I want to say and ask what I want to ask, without turning into this emotional jelly or have my eyes filled with lightening. Especially with him; the conversation will go nowhere if I'm either angry or sad. My emotions are his cue to hide inside his shell of silence. Even the latter conversation is an improvement. I had postponed it for a little too long, but not so long I was already a mess. And during I was able to keep myself fairly calm. The tears only came rushing as he started to hold and hug me after.

I've received advice from several people I currently communicate with that I should be making myself "available" or "on the market". Basically; they say I now have a free pass to date, since I'm currently not "with him".

Perhaps this is very funny, but I hadn't really thought about the state of our relationship in that way. I had more thought about this temporary break as a moment to reflect and rethink on what it is that I want. Not much as a time to start dating and exploring horizons to finding someone new. Though you perhaps could interpret it like that...

I'm not sure really whether I even like the idea of dating, I'll have to think about that... But the question on however my current situation is interpretable, is definitely worth posing :)

So: what say you?

I've thought about it (off course that process had started even before I posted my question ;)). I guess there are a few things about dating that I dislike. It's my personal opinion, not trying to dictate anyone what to think or feel. You may off course put your comments on it :) My opinion may at times seem aggressive (or so I'm told), but it's not made of stone. I like to keep it liquid and re-evaluate.

First of all, as I used to say: I'm no product nor cattle so I don't belong on any market or display. I'm a bit less edgy nowadays than I was, but it perhaps puts it best ;) Furthermore; I don't see why people go about so desperate to "find" dates. By that I mean: all the dating sites, matchmakers, adverts, dating shows, etc. I also don't see the fun in the hang up that surrounds dating; the nerve-eating, Lord-I-have-nothing-to-wear and please-will-he-like-me and how-should-I-play-my-game. Last; I don't like the physical emphasis that appears to evolve around dating. I've never picked someone of the street because of his or her looks. I fail to see the attraction and connection. It would perhaps be an efficient way picking a model for paintings, but not a person.

Basically; I wear what I want, walk the way I want, dance the way I feel like it. If bystanders dislike it and want to give me a nasty look, I'm not going to be bothered. If anyone's likes the way I look and wants to twist his head and smile to me, that's great. I can feel genuinely flattered and ego-boosted. But it won't cut the pie to say "you look good, can I have your number?" Talk to me, then we'll talk.

From my point of view you don't "find" friends, lovers, relationships. You bump into people and talk to people, which I'd call socializing. I've never stopped doing that either while in a relationship. Throw me inside a random group of strangers and I'll be likely to have a conversation soon. I'm not shy when it comes to that. At the gym, in the supermarket, in the train, in the sauna, etc. I admit I rarely connect with people on such a substantial level while having a conversation that truly intrigues me. So not often does it have some sort of follow-up. But once in a while; this does happen. When I do like someone, I'll ask them to grab a bite down town or have dinner at my place, because I feel it's such a shame to end our lovely conversation (or propose to continue it at a more appropriate time in a more cozy environment). I can do that the first time I've met someone, just because the vibe is right. It can also take a while and more (coincidental) encounters. No critical, fluffy, relationshippy or sexual intentions, just a liking. It's how I started most of my friendships, including with him. Some were first to ask me. And each of them I consider little gifts of life.

Iow; I don't think I'll do anything different now. I'll just let me be.

lnt, I guess you're right about: to leave open a door that was previously closed, as it were. That could very well be what they mean. And possibly what I should do. After all; we did have an exclusive relationship, which we were both committed to and that is not the case at the moment. I wonder how he goes about all this... We don't seem to have changed our behavior towards eachother that much. On holiday we hugged while standing on a bridge, just because we were both happy and enjoying the view. A man passing by with his backpack said smiling: "awww, you two are such a cute couple!". Guess we didn't quite manage to not be a couple yet. Every little habit there was, is still there. While he's driving, he puts his hand on my leg and searches for my hand to hold it. I still kiss him before I go to sleep. It seems neither of us has the definite desire to really let go of that. Probably because we haven't really let go of eachother and perhaps neither of us really wants to. We'll get to that part later and I'm sure you people will get to read all about it ;)

Firmus, thank you :) And yes; it is interesting to chat with all different kinds of people. I've had a lovely conversation with an elderly couple in the train while on holiday. We only started talking, because they recognized us speaking Dutch and coincidentally their daughter has moved to Holland and the lady was taking Dutch classes. I liked the conversation so much, I asked for their e-mailadress, which they happily provided me with.

To me; friendships starting evolves around coincidence and seemingly meaningless actions. A former dear friend of mine was waiting outside our office as she had a jobinterview with my boss. It was early in the morning and I was the first to arrive. Very much against my habit! But it so happened I had woken up early that specific morning and had decided that if I couldn't sleep, I might just as well go to work. She had arrived way too early that morning, as she was forced to use public transportation from some village in the middle of nowhere in absence of her car. Within the first few minutes we instantly connected as much as the coffee I was making us ;) My late best friend was once upon a time sitting alone in a big college-room with groups of students gathering around her -that apparently were much befriended with eachother- as I entered that day. I didn't know anyone and she caught my eye. I sat down beside her and from there it went. I was assigned to work with a colleague I had known for a year, but had never really talked to. The first day on the project, we were both so passionate on the subject, that we forgot about the time and found all our colleagues had left. Some time after; our conversations started to evolve around more personal things, hanging around at the office after work, because neither of us wanted to end the delightful conversation and leave. That's where the dinners started. At one of those dinners I held his hand while talking to him, which was the moment he fell in love with me, even though I only very vaguely remember that gesture ;)

What I have against dating, you mean?
Or that I should go about being "available"?
Or how it is not a problem we have not changed our behavior as a couple towards eachother?

I think I've thoroughly made up my mind; I don't think I'll do anything different now than I did before. I'll just let me be. You could say; I'll be focusing on myself and what I want.

Btw: if I go by your theory, I'll be a life-long free agent :)

Calliton, thank you! That's sweet.
EEK, how could loving someone sincerely ever be wrong? I agree with you.

Here's an update. Sooner than I expected. I've noticed it's at least helpful for me to write it down to other people, as it seems to force me to put things in understandable order, making it more clear in my head. And again, I would appreciate any of your replies. Since even the smallest sincere comment can at least help me of keeping my wits together.

I don't know where I am now, except for being particularly vulnerable. I just got terribly upset last evening. He wouldn't french kiss me. And I just had to ask him why he couldn't. Despite of any agreement or state of our relationship, which I'm sure I violated. To which he hugged me for a long time and I started crying as he did. He said he probably needs time and space. I asked him how much. As I felt my heart sink, because I honestly don't know how much I can give him...

We had a very honest talk after that. He's very confused over it, because he thinks I'm such a great girl. He loves everything we do together. As he put it: "even getting groceries together with you is fun!". I'm going to memorize that quote, cause I think it's one if the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me :) I asked him what went wrong and when this had suddenly become about me. First he was too tired, then he was too ill and somewhere along the way; it had become about me. And I don't understand what I did wrong. He thinks perhaps what went wrong is that at many times he now cares and worries about me too much. That this takes so much energy that there's none left for anything else between us. It sometimes makes him feel like we have a father-daughter-relationship. He can get genuinely scared of the thought of something happening to me. And on other moments; we just have so much fun together. At such time I feel more like a sister to him. Even when he sees me running naked through the house, I'm more like his sister (the sister he never had, that would be ;))

I asked him whether he's still in love with me. "No, because I think it's much more than that... I... I love you." To which he smiled and giggled. He never says he loves me. He always says that it's a too formal of a word. That it's become meaningless by how people throw it around. The way he said it now was genuine.

We've talked about what we think this relationship needs.

[INDENT]1) Does it need patience? I've given him so much already... "Perhaps I don't need your patience. Perhaps I need you to tell me". To which I laughed. We both know that if I put any pressure on him, he goes running or hiding and will say "no" like any toddler who's learned the powerful meaning of the word, only to avert doing anything he might possibly not want. He agreed. If I would ask him to chose me or it's over, he'd probably chose the latter. Also by his attitude towards life; that nothing is ever final. If it's meant to be and feels right, we would grow back together again.

2) Should we break up definitely, remaining friends? He never wants to lose me as a friend. I mean too much to him. Which is likewise. Also; if this does repair, it would make us genuinely chose for eachother again, instead of muddling on and trying to fix things on the way. He agrees with the lot of you fine people that if I'd go out and date and try out a new relationship or even have meaningless sex, even if we'd get back together, that would just make me more experienced and nothing is wrong with that. Just as much as there would be nothing wrong with it if I wouldn't. Or perhaps I'd just find that special guy who would be as thrilled as I am to start a family. And he'd be there for me as my friend and surely come to see the baby. He thinks I will be able to look at other people in a sexual way. Before him I couldn't. But since this desire has awoken inside me, there's quite a chance I could feel it for another. He thinks it's a matter of whether I'd be ready to do so... Off course he can't be sure of how these things work as little as I am.

3) Should we seek counseling? After all; it's still unclear to either of us whether his lack of sexual desire is related to me. Or if it's related to the last time we were intimate resulting in pregnancy and early miscarriage. Whether nothing of this really is about our relationship, since for the past year he finds himself incapable to sexually desire other women as well. I'm going to see my counselor the day after tomorrow and I don't think she does couple-counseling, but she could quite possibly refer me to someone. He told me he would talk to a professional and suggested for me to ask her.

I'm thinking this may actually be a good idea. I suggested it to him before. Because I feel that either way, we'd need to fix this father-daughter-thing. I don't feel that way and surely don't want him to. Whether in a friendship or relationship with someone, I want the foundations of it to be on equality. Which was the case with us. But apparently something has gone crooked. I could live with the brother-sister-thing. I too regard him as close to me as family. Not the entire way of "family" I had wanted it, but it's equal enough ;)

4) One thing we did agree on. I was busy writing him a letter. I had planned to give it to him, even read it out loud, at the end of this holiday. It states what I want, how I feel, what he means to me. It's not quite finished yet. Though it's becoming quite to the point and even compact for my writing ;) He requested me to finish. He promised he would read it and not neglect to respond to it (as happened to the letter I wrote over a year ago).[/INDENT]

Probably worth mentioning. He toyed with my clothes. Unwrapped my shirt and pulled it over my shoulders. Looked at my strapless dress in great approval, telling me I look good. He kept caressing my back as we hugged. Until it came to a point I told him that I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to. But that if he would continue that way, I would surely orgasm. So if he didn't want that... To which he started kissing my neck and putting more pressure on my lower back to make me come. He smiled and whispered I was such a funny and special girl. I came 3 times in a row, soaking my underwear as I ejaculated and quivered in his arms after. Those were one of the best orgasms I've had in months. I could see he was getting uncomfortable at the time I was on his lap and kissed him. "Do you mind?"- "Well... yes, actually, I do... a little..." I told him I was sorry and asked him why he had gone on. "Because there's really nothing that terrible about making you enjoy yourself" - "So you did it for me?"- "Well... yes."- "That's sweet..." I didn't know whether to feel happy of him being so sweet to me or feel awful about myself. And I didn't know what to say, except: "I'm so sorry"- "Don't be. It's really a pleasure doing that for you. I just don't..."- "I'm sorry"- "Don't be, my sweet". Sometimes I'm like a broken record that gets stuck on "sorry" and crying in between...

Thank you for that kind post, EEK :) You too Studmuffin. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

Well, I must confess I am not feeling much relaxed lately, even though I try not to get worked up too much. And I certainly try not to project it on him. But I've felt awful from the moment I set foot back into my house, returning from our trip abroad. It feels so heavy; as if it is contaminated with emotions. I walked in, thinking; this is not mine and I do not want to be here. On top of that; my salary has been cut back significantly and I'm looking into the best way to handle my finances at the moment. I've been able to make it on little before, so I'm sure with effort, I'll make it again. It was just not something I needed to add now. Moreover: I'm going to the hospital next week for a medical exam that failed in the past, because I panicked at the time. In consultation with my treating specialist, it was decided to cancel at the time. But since I've been having rather bad health episodes lately, it has been ordered it again. I'm really trying to be a big girl about it. I'm actually a bit ashamed that I couldn't before; that much of a bit I don't really speak about it. But honestly: even thinking about it makes my knees grow weak. At the time; I had not expected myself to panic in any way. I was rather relaxed prior, as doctors say I usually am. I'm praying this won't happen again. I will inform whoever performs it. And I hope that they will take my angst seriously and try to anticipate on it... He will take me to the hospital, comfort me while we wait, stay waiting for me in the hallway, take me home after. And I've told him about everything I fear. And I must say; I've never met someone who's better at handling a person in panic or distress, than he is. But I'm guessing it does mean I am putting some of my worries on him...

I should add that despite health issues, we did have an amazing time on our trip. I totally got to unwind. And we got to walk a lot daily, which I adore doing. It exceeded my expectations, since I was in rather poor condition. Ever since we came back; I've left him to do whatever he wanted, which meant he was alone for a couple of days. I've started on yoga-classes again. And I am still working on my carrier-change. Since I like the subject so much; I consider my studybooks more a part of relaxation than a chore. I've seized each moment on my balcony to relax in a little bit of autumn sunshine.

lnt, thank you. I think you're right and we are loving eachother dearly. It just gets frustrating to be dealing with fear all the time. He responds to me like a magnet flipping around it's axle. At one moment he'll run and hide away from me. At the other he draws up close. You're right; I didn't do something to apologize for. I guess I'm just scared he'll do something he doesn't want to and starts to resent me for it. He has admitted that I've made him cry (and he never cries) the time I asked him to have a talk with me (where this thread started). He sometimes seems to sacrifice all his energy in favor of me. He sometimes feels so responsible for me. The past year hasn't done much good to us. It's not much efficient that I'll tell him I'm a big girl and can take care of myself, whereas a few days later he's picking me up from the shower floor barely conscious as I've fainted.

EEK, it won't kill me :) An endoscopy is actually quite a standard exam. It can go from slightly uncomfortable to painful, particularly because my body is irritated and sensitive as it is right now. Furthermore: I seem to have a high tolerance for pain. So I'd consider it impossible to be in horrendous pain, unless something is really very wrong. Yes, it's embarrassing, but I'm used to doctors poking up every hole. And I'm usually able to be relaxed like a string puppet when they do that. I'll be bringing extra clothes just in case things get messy. Scared of the results; somewhat. I'm probably more scared of what the aftermath of the exam will be; how long I'll be feeling awful... And I don't like the preparation I have to go through prior, starting the night prior with laxatives, which I'm known not to respond well to and could have me feeling sick for hours prior to even being in the hospital. Then there's the enema, done mechanically at preset amount and speed, instead of at your own pace in your own time. If I do an enema at home, that's a major thing to do in itself. I really have to take that slow to not go dizzy or sick. Whereas there; within half an hour after I'll be expected on the examination table. Hoping I've managed to lose all the fluid prior, my insides sufficiently irritated and not even mentioning irritating the exit (which at such a time; is not interested at all in becoming an entrance :rolleyes:). Then they'll still have to start...

But the real problem would be the panic. The issue last time was that I had 3 people rising above me, handling my body, not telling me anything about what they were doing, not paying any attention to me as a person. While I hadn't been scared prior, only the natural little bit nervous, I just got so scared on that examination table. And when I do get very scared, I become unable to speak or move, break a sweat and become unresponsive, as I experience the world around me as blurry. Which is what basically happened. I only came back to my senses as they left the room and a nurse was padding my face with a wet washcloth; "that didn't go too well now, did it, deary?". Looking back at it; it was a response that probably relates to my sexual trauma. I didn't think too much of it at the time; just an unfortunate mishap and I was embarrassed I did. But nowadays, I'm all too familiar with panic attacks, as they started to appear regularly about a year ago. I now know my body can hyperventilate, fall down, lose consciousness, wake up in my own vomit. It's a bit unfortunate that once your body has responded that way, it's more prone to do it again. Let's just say I don't feel as much in control of my body as I used to.

I don't know if I have any options considering meds. The procedure can be done while I'm on intravenous sedation, but they'd rather not because it increases risks and you'll have to stay for a day in the hospital for observation (whereas I can leave right after now). Plus it requires a different type of referral from your doctor than I got (sigh). I think I will at least take some Valerian prior.

lnt, I've just called the hospital and talked to a very nice lady. She explained I'll first have the enema, which will be done by a nurse that will not be present at the actual exam, to which I can point out any concern I may have about the enema. I'll have 30 minutes after that to do my business. Prior to the actual exam I'll get a 5-10 minute talk with the doctor who will perform it. Because this exam wasn't ordered by a hospital-doctor, they'll go over the complaints, explain what will happen during the exam and I can point out any concern I'll have. During the exam there will be a nurse at the head of the table (and my head ;)) who's job it is to comfort me. I can even hold her hand if I need to :) I can also watch the monitor where the inside of my colon will be visible. Strange as it sounds, I can imagine that could be soothing to focus on, since I always like to look in the mirror at what my dentist does. The doctor will tell me what (s)he's doing along the way, particularly since I've asked for that prior. After the exam, the doctor will discuss the primary findings. Recommendations and any results from possible biopsy will be send to my doctor. She also said I should not hesitate to take some Valerian prior if I want to. And that I should not neglect to eat in the morning. There's no need sober. Taking a bit of sugar between the enema and the exam is also fine, should I feel light-headed.

Thank you, EEK. I think "professional detachment" is the best word for it. My guess is at the time, it was different because I was already being treated by a specialist (so no chat prior). And they had probably neglected to wait for the nurse, who was later padding my face so gently. Maybe I should sharpen my claws prior, should they try something funny ;)

No, especially the nurse who will comfort me, sounds like a great plan! :) My bf (let's just call him that way to keep it easy ;)) was shocked about how I have been treated before. He has had this exam too, several times, at the same hospital I'll be having it. By his experience; the nurses there seem to be hand-picked for their compassion. I'll just try to count on that and not to worry :)

Ok, I feel terrible :( The exam itself exceeded my expectations... in a very bad way.

I was rather relaxed prior. I was feeling awful for hardly sleeping as my intestines were having their own sadistic party, totally high on laxatives. I was more busy with feeling ill than feeling nervous. The nurse who gave me the enema was really comforting. She was very careful and also asked me all sorts of questions on how I was doing and what had brought me here. Very thoughtful. The enema was a tiny one of only 33 cl, which was far less than I had expected. Though it gave me a very burning feeling (like it was eating away the mucous of my rectum), which wasn't "normal" but perhaps the doctor would see the cause for that.

I walked in the doctor's office in a surprisingly relaxed mood. But the conversation with the doctor didn't go well from the start. He didn't look at me, either passed my face or towards the desk/floor. He wasn't interested in hearing why I was there, because he was "just" there to perform the exam (meaning that nice nurse now knows more about my complaints, than he does). He was rushing the conversation to get to the exam. I could barely squeeze it in between the lines that I had experienced panic in the past and had a history of hyperventilating. "Thank you for mentioning that". But as soon as we got into the examination-room, he forgot to tell his colleagues (only 2 minutes after I had mentioned it!!!), so I did. The male who was there to comfort me was kinda comforting, though not half as good as the nurse that had helped me with the enema. As they started, I felt the air blowing and it caused some discomfort, but little, so I was relaxing. "It's cramping", I heard them say, as I could see the tunnel on the monitor closing. They wouldn't turn it so that I could see it clearly, only from the side. In all the brochures it was said that you don't "feel" the tube moving, that the discomfort or pain is caused by the air in the colon. The cramps were manageable and so I wasn't expecting much trouble and relaxed a bit more.

They ran into quite a problem at the first corner; my colon was blocked. So all the devices were shut down and they started on water, more water, more power to the water (and the water was definitely too cold). Adding tools to get through it, turning the device to sucking instead of blowing air. That's where I had the first tears rolling over my face. The male said this was likely to be rather painful. As they broke through the barricade, I felt relieve. But instead of giving me a second to catch my breath, they steamed on. I inhaled screaming. I felt like being ripped apart. The woman behind me yelled "stop!", in the same way as she had prior yelled "blocked". The doctor sighed in frustration. I looked at the monitor where the tunnel was coated with filth and really barely anything to see. "How is it possible to be so blocked? I've been having diarrhea for days now..." And as I wanted to continue, they took the first opportunity of relaxed colon to push on. Every time they blew air in, I only felt the slight cramping. It was when he tried to push on, I got back into animal-like screams and the tears didn't stop flowing. The male with the job of comforting me got a towel (that was soaked with tears at the end). The last few centimeters I was in utter horror. They had to push me against the bed as I screamed and then I kept on repeating: STOP! STOP! STOP! NOW! I felt like my entire insides were exploding. I think I would have jumped off that table and ran out, had they not held me down... or at least that was my primal instinct against every rationality. "Easy, easy, we're going back now. You've made it!".

I looked at the monitor seeing the tunnel still in tact (I probably wouldn't have believed it otherwise). They went back as I had gone to being a quivering jelly. I could barely get up as they told me they were done. I couldn't stop crying. The doctor told me that by what he could see, there was nothing to be seen that indicated any infection. That there was nothing out of the ordinary. My mind was screaming; how is it not out of the ordinary?!? That everything was so blocked and filthy, while I had been shitting water for days? While I had been running to the toilet all night, ever since 3 hours after the laxatives? While only a month prior it had been flushed out with 2 liter enema's 4 times!? How is it normal when I'm in so much pain from things I wasn't even supposed to be feeling? When simple enema's burn? I asked him what he advised for my physician and me to do next. Cause if it's not in my colon, than what is it? To which he shrugged and thought it highly unlikely for an ultrasound or anything to get me results...

Even after a toiletvisit I was still crying and shaking with pain. My bf was holding me, but it didn't help. The receptionist noticed and called that sweet nurse from before, who immediately arranged for me to lie down in an examroom that wasn't being used that morning. She told me I could lay down as long as I liked, cause this room wouldn't be used for the next few hours. The receptionist got coffee and a chair for my bf. The nurse came to check on me every few minutes. Stood waiting in front of the toilet as I had to go again. She was very nice and comforting me and I finally got hold of my shaking and crying.

Only as she had to go to see another patient and had asked the male who had been responsible for the comforting-part to check on me, the atmosphere changed again within seconds. He asked me to check whether my belly was feeling hard and as I replied no, he "kindly" asked us to leave. To make things worse; he said that IF I should EVER have any complaints at again, I would just have to see my physician. It seemed like the people who have been treating me today, were simply thinking I'm going through these sort of exams for the fun of it. As if I don't have any serious complaints that need to be resolved. The only sane word came from the receptionist; "That much pain can't be normal. Perhaps you should ask your physician to refer you to an OB GYN or something". It's highly frustrating when medics are giving you the attitude; "we can't find it, so there's nothing that needs fixing". Instead of: "you have complaints and either way: we should be making you feel better".

i am not a baby when it comes to pain. Like: I have made it trough a root-canal-treatment of a nerve that wasn't entirely dead, without sedatives, while the pus was flowing from my tooth (and had gone up as well, was discovered later, resulting in a jaw-infection) and I only cried as she first put the drill on my tooth. When I burn myself on a 200 C degree oven, I don't scream or even say "ouch", I calmly go to rinse my skin. My bf has been a bit worried at times of how little I respond to physical pain. While my face doesn't move a muscle I can say: yes, it hurts. But this exam was simply excruciatingly painful.

So I'm at home now; with a constant nagging pain in my lower back and belly. Every move I make hurts and about every half an hour: the cramping starts again. My bf wasn't there yesterday when I took the laxatives, even though I had asked him to be with me, because these have the side-effect of fainting. He only arrived in the middle of the night. But; he was with his mom, so I didn't really blame him. Today; he was really sweet to me in the morning and at the hospital. But he has left me about an hour after he had taken me home. I figured he was sleepy as well; I must have kept him up a bit. I asked him whether he was doing ok and he said "not that much", but wouldn't elaborate on it. He came to check on me in the late afternoon, got me a few groceries and left again. He hadn't been sleeping in the meanwhile; he had gone for a drive, gone for a walk, bought himself dinner at his own place... Which I honestly don't understand. Why he wouldn't just have his salad at my place, to give me just that little bit of extra time, attention and comfort? He did tell me that perhaps we could make dinner together tomorrow and that I shouldn't hesitate to call him, should I need him. Maybe I'm being a spoiled brat now, but I feel very much left alone. About 2 hours ago I wanted to get myself something to eat (my first thing to eat today) out of my refrigerator and I had to get it off the lower shelf. To bending down, it all got cramped up and I've been breathing in and out in front of my refrigerator for some time, before I could get up again. It just feels so unnecessary for such things to happen, when all I would have needed was a simple helping hand...

O yes, I am angry. Very ANGRY! I'm NEVER doing this again! I have heard that other countries do this with sedation or total anesthesia as standard procedure. And I'm sure; I'm NEVER doing this again without it! In fact; I think it will take me at least a few years from now, before I won't get the urge to attack anyone who only mentions it. You could say I'm as angry as my insides :mad::rolleyes: And yes; I did need to get this out of my head into communicating it some how. Writing it all down did help :) Thank you guys for reading it.

Come to think of it (after a good night sleep... hell: skip the "good") my bf kept apologizing to me yesterday. At first I thought he was simply sorry for me. But it came out he was actually apologizing. Because he felt as if he had wrongly tried to comfort me, since his experience with this sort of exam was not bad. I was very angry, but my anger wasn't pointed towards him. Yet maybe; he just took it personally.

EDIT: just to keep things a bit light and funny. The male nurse started a conversation to get my mind off the exam; "So you are in school, right?" While focusing on my breathing; No. "Ah, so you're in college?"- No- "Uhm.. graduated???"- with one big breath and a smile: "I've been a working girl for years now". It's so laughable how people can at times really think of me as under 18. Whereas at a job-interview 4 months ago, the interviewer asked me to confirm my year of birth, because according to her: she would have guessed me at least a decade older. I guess I could take either as both an insult and a compliment in one way or another. LOL! :D

That did get you a great story Firmus! :) I don't think they offer that to men over here. Though you may never know. Some policies are just estranged by double standards. Like when I had my tonsils cut, I was given a morphine-shot after surgery. I really wasn't in that much pain, but it was standard procedure and with my head still hazy of the full anesthetics, I just didn't complain. Boy, did that stuff get me to dreamy-dreamy-little-pony-care-bear-and-what-not-land :p:) But particularly when I compare that pain to the pain I went through yesterday, it seems pretty lopsided.

EDIT: ok, I looked it up and about the first dozen hits of websites of Dutch hospitals and physicians say that your doctor will prescribe you Diazepam 10 mg (or something comparable) to take 2 hours prior to a vasectomy, as part of standard procedure. It so makes me wonder why they'd make a big deal out of prescribing such a tablet prior to an endoscopy... :confused:

I guess you're in a difficult minority Studmuffin. Whether you're used to pain or not, that can't be easy on you!

Thank you Brandye. That's a comforting thought. No polyps. Perhaps very tiny ones hiding underneath the coating, which they could have missed now. I did get to take home pictures of my colon. Now who wouldn't want that on the wall next to the familyportraits ? ;):D

That upcoming method sounds great! And that side-effect sounds very beneficial :) One of the things I've requested, is if they could check whether everything is just properly shaped/sized/positioned inside my abdomen. After all; I am having episodes of unexplainable abdominal pain. And there's my bloodvalues that indicate an infection that's still not accounted for.

Somehow; my request so far was continuously ignored. Whereas I've read about how they can make external or internal ultrasounds to get a good look at the abdominal cavity and everything inside(?) Something doctors shouldn't be hesitating about, since it's supposedly really not as expensive as a CT. And it's apparently a very low impact exam on the patient. But I don't know, I just read ;) I'll get a consult with my physician to discuss what to do next. I guess I'd just like to prevent getting send home with nothing, waiting for the next bad episode to come along.

The reason why it doesn't get alarming from the medical perspective, is because I don't get a fever. If I do, only for a day or two. Or a day or two of rather low bodytemperature. Also; the bloodvalues indicate an infection that's obviously present, yet not overly active. But the fact is; I've been going on for years now with bad episodes of pain, diarrhea, vomiting, fainting, dehydration, etc. Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes weeks. I've been on the brink of being administered at a hospital a few times. And have some (seemingly?) unrelated randomly appearing complaints buzzing around me like bees around a hive. It's extremely tiring. And I would finally like answers. Which is why I went through this. I guess I'm looking for some doctor House to write all my symptoms down on a white board and suddenly see how they are all magically connected:rolleyes: To contribute to a happy-ending: leading to a cure. Although I wouldn't want to end up in some critical state at a hospital first and this doctor may be a little less sadistic and grumpy, thank you very much ;):):D