Well, first off I suppose I should give some background. To start, this is a guy, who signed up to help his girlfriend.
We recently started on Dr. Laura Berman's Passion Prescription, a book to get a woman more involved with her body, to improve her sex life and self image. She just recently did part of her prescription for week one, where she is supposed to use a mirror to look at herself and start to please herself, getting aquainted with her genitals. And the results were less than spectactular. I've never read anything like this, and would like to know if anyone can help. I do study sex (though amatuerly) and I've never seen anything close. So I'm hoping that someone here who has more in common with her (say, lady parts) can give some tips.
Included are direct quotes from her, in an email I recieved following the attempt.
"I did all of the mood stuff: light candles, set mood music, and got out the tools to accomplish getting to know myself. but even with the exercise, you're supposed to get aroused, work on yourself, and maybe as a pleasant side effect have an orgasm. I didn't set out with an orgasm in mind--in fact, I doubted I would have one. But I thought at least I'd get worked up....
I thought that if I went through the right steps, followed the instructions given, I'd enjoy myself. And I did enjoy myself--but for diffferent reasons. I enjoyed myself because I explored that area down there, with a mirror. I still think it's the ugliest thing alive, but at least now I have a better idea of what it looks like...of how it all attaches together. I even know what my clitoris looks like. But love...touching that little hard knob, the clit, rubbing it, tapping it, stimulating it with lube...it didn't really do anything for me. Sure it was pleasurable, in a...distant sort of way. Like, I could tell it was being touched, and the touching was pleasure, but it's not like it was a big deal. Like...it was just sort of there, a distraction at best. It was nice to rub and manipulate my lips at first...then it was just kind of...there. Things were pleasurable, it's just that...the pleasure didn't matter to me. it was like it didn't even belong to me. there was no connection. no joy. no enjoyment. Just...there. And I tried to care. I tried to involve my heart and mind...but it didn't work. All I got were the sensations of an alienated body. And I...I don't want that....
I want...to be involved with my body...
I want to feel, to be pleased, even with my doing it...
But it seems that's too much to ask...
I wasn't even excited...
I was like a dead lump, experiencing somone scraping off fungi.
neutral. distant. someone else. not me.
I wanted.... I wanted to get worked up and enjoy myself....
Is that too much to ask?"
I only have a couple guesses, and they are guesses at best as to why this would have happened. One is an extreme displeasure with the entire concept of her womanhood. The other is that I know she has some low-circulation problems, at least from time to time, including a low iron count.
This has even happened a few times when we've had sex, though I believe that might be because she wasn't in the mood. However, a few times we've had sex, she's gone as far as having an orgasm.
So, to say the least, I'm really confused, and more than a little concerned. If anyone has any suggestions, please reply to this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much in advance.
Tell your girlfriend to imagine she's with you while she's doing it. That may help. And play sexy music- not mood music but sexy word songs that get her grinding maybe...And assure her that her genitals are beautiful. And that she's beatuiful. Same thing happens to me but when i imagine this totally sexy guy i can almost come without even touching myself. And it's all from just talking to him.
1. There would be a greater likelihood of success if she were asking rather than your trying to solve her "issues."
2. It sounds to me that you are approaching this with the same passion of fixing complicated recipe from a cookbook. The mechanics can be very important but they are not sufficient to get over the top.
3. It sounds like she is from a background that may be rather less than enthusiastic about sex; maybe even discouraged from touching herself "down there."
4. Relax but make certain she cares about addressing this.
First, I'd like to thank both of you for your responses, and will pass them on to her.
Regarding Brandye's points:
1) I had asked her if I could post them, as she's more shy about things of a sexual nature in a more public (ie just about anywhere but the bedroom) setting. This isn't just me acting on my own here, though both of us appreciate your concern.
2) Between when I posted this earlier and now, I guess I started to see that, though not as succinctly as you stated it, and I'm definitely kicking myself for it >.<
3) That is VERY true. Her family is more than a little sheltering, definitely more akin to oppressing. Granted, they only have two daughters, but it's also that outlook on life. Would you have any tips about showing her that sex isn't dirty?
4) While I definitely wasn't relaxed when I originally wrote this, I did know she cared about it, as we have talked about this before. It's the reason she signed up for the Passion Prescription program.
I can tell you care a lot about her opinions and emotions, as do I. I'm sorry that wasn't more apparant. I will admit I was quite emotional when I wrote this (though that was due quite a bit in part of seeing The Butterfly Effect for the first time) and now that I'm in a much better frame of mine, I hope that you might have some other suggestions.