Me and my boyfriend have been dating for quite awhile, but I rarely get to see him. He's in the army, the last time I was visiting him he fingered me but couldn't get two fingers in. I've been wanting to have sex for awhile but the fact that fingering doesn't even feel good for me has turned me off from it. I've also tried to have sex in the past before him and it was too painful to continue. So when I cam back home from seeing him I decided that maybe I should start fingering myself to help me feel more comfortable. At first I was not comfortable with it and couldn't get any fingers in, but I worked up to 2 fingers and even 3 even though I don't need to. My questions is, do you think that since fingering myself, when me and my boyfriend finally do have sex, it will be less painful?
I know that was much longer than it needed to be, sorry.
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> he fingered me but couldn't get two fingers in.
Being comfortable with one is fine more often than not.
> the fact that fingering doesn't even feel good for me has turned me off from it. I've also tried to have sex in the past before him and it was too painful to continue.
Do you know the condition of your hymen? If not, use a light and hand mirror and go exploring. Hymens come in all sorts of sizes, thicknesses, hole patterns, and, can fully block the vaginal opening, or as is more often the case, just partially.
Also, if you have an active life or use Tampons, it is quite possible that the tissue has already partially eroded away.
Pain can be due to placing pressure against the hymen and stretching it, and/or just being tense under the circumstances. There is another condition, yet it is too soon to consider this.
Pain can be due to rough handling on his part, even if not intentional. If the two of you use the Woman Superior/Cowgirl position you will most likely find this ideal for intercourse the first time or two, whether the first time ever, or with a particular partner. Why? Because it places you in control. You know where P & V are and can deftly bring the two together eliminating your partner's angst over this maneuver. You can set the speed and pressure of insertion or what is applied to the hymen. You can set the depth of penetration and speed of stroking.
> I decided that maybe I should start fingering myself to help me feel more comfortable. At first I was not comfortable with it and couldn't get any fingers in, but I worked up to 2 fingers and even 3 even though I don't need to.
Congratulations for being a forward thinker and finding a solution that I often recommend in addition to doing the exercise while sitting in a tub of warm water, or, as an alternative, standing in the shower. In both settings, the water will help moisten and soften the skin in preparation for the stretching exercise.
> do you think that since fingering myself, when me and my boyfriend finally do have sex, it will be less painful?
Maybe yes, maybe no. Your question is not unlike asking if shaking a person's hand next time will be painful. Occasionally, as men, we run across another Alfa type who loves to squeeze hard for whatever reason. Ouch!
You won't know until the two of you get together. If the hymen has pretty much eroded away or has been previously torn, chances are better than average that there will be little or no pain from this. Next, will penetration hurt? Probably not as long as you are relaxed, are very moist, either from your own mucus, or, using additional lubrication. It is often a good idea the first time or two to spread some lubricant over his penis from tip to stern so that friction will be eliminated.
If your boyfriend is considerate and the two of you proceed slowly and you are very highly aroused, then while your first few times may not be painful, it may not be entirely comfortable. No one can say what will happen, each situation is a different dynamic.
I recommend that the two of you read the articles listed in the Index and discuss what you have learned. There is information on your concerns and much much more. Knowledge is empowering.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
-doc
Maybe yes; maybe no. All women should have a gyn exam before becoming sexually active. With your experience, it is most important that you have an exam. Tell the doctor that you have experienced this difficulty. She may be able to help you a bit and should certainly put your mind at ease. These fears can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
In the absence of medical conditions, most women can 'fit' most men and the degree of 'tightness' varies with the woman's level of arousal as in "hotter=bigger".