Second of two posts in one day...nice to finally find somewhere to get some advice!
My last girlfriend, who I was with for a few years, never had an orgasm (with me, or her previous bfs). I know that's not hugely unusual, but I always felt that it was because she found it difficult to really relax around people, even me. She was very sexual, but I felt as though she found it difficult to let go, so I tried lots of things to help her relax, but it didn't work out. Also I felt that sex for her was a bit of a battle to make me cum, which was obviously great most of the time but did leave me feeling a bit like it was a control thing for her. I tried gently explaining to her that I didn't always need to cum (yes this is a guy writing this!), and that it was about her too, but she felt more comfortable that way so I went along with it.
The upshot is that I had my confidence knocked a bit, partly because she never orgasmed with me but mainly because I felt as though I'd failed to help her relax more when we were in bed together. So I'm looking for some reassurance that it wasn't all my fault, and any advice on ways to get a woman to relax and feel comfortable would be great too! (I tried the usual; hot baths, cooking for her, massage, talking things through, etc etc; being as understanding and as accepting as possible - in the end I concluded that it was probably something I couldn't help much with.)
Once again, my frequent rant: You do not give anyone orgasms. Also, she is your "last" girlfriend. No longer a problem.
You are responsible for your orgasm and she is responsible for hers. If she wants to ask for help, here or through a professionsl counselor, that is her decision. Too many men think that all things sexual are their responsibility. Not so. We women can, and have for thousands of years, dealt with difficulty of orgasm our own ways. Too many simply give up but that is their problem not yours.
Considering that about a quarter of all women never, or rarely, experience orgasm, many men will encounter a few during their lives. If you are asked to do something to help and choose to, good on ya. Otherwise, no reason to guilt out about it.
Curious Guy,
You are right, some women have a lot of trouble having an orgasm. I just saw a show on tv where women are having surgery to help stimulate nerves to their genitals.
If you are looking for advice on how to get a woman to relax, she should be relaxed physically and emotionally. For someone to not orgasm a few times, they may not be stimulated or physically relaxed.
For someone not to orgasm ever, they may be not relaxed emotionally. That is a tough one. Basically, if someone feels comfortable taking their clothes off and doing a Vaudeville number in front of you, they are pretty relaxed around you.
Often things like that are built by doing things like hanging out in sweat pants and watching movies. Remove any pressure of pleasing/being pleased, and things become much more fun.
Pick a day of the week to just be about you/her, that way there is no pressure in pleasing the other person over your own pleasure.
Your last girlfriend, did she enjoy sex physically and not orgasm? Or did she have trouble enjoying it?
Brandye; thanks for the advice. Obviously I'm not seeing this as my personal responsibility, but I also know that not everyone will ask for help, so I'm just trying to get another perspective on this. If I hung around waiting for my girlfriends to ask for help with everything they needed help with, I'd just look rude. Sometimes people don't ask for help because they feel they can't, not because they don't want to. I'd rather chose to do something to help if I think someone wants to ask for help but can't ask, for whatever reason.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'you don't give anyone an orgasm'. I know it's not my responsibility and it's certainly not all down to me, but when it comes to sex it takes two, doesn't it? It's a co-operative thing, and if you have problems you shouldn't always have to sort them out on your own. What can a man do if he *is* asked for help?