Hi, I'm new.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years, and... well, if you count a first (and horrible) attempt, sexually active for about a year. (We felt the need to because we were going to be 500 miles away from each other because of college - now we're in the same city). I can probably count on my hand the times we've attempted sex. Yes, it's gotten slightly closer each time, but being busy college students on two nearby but still different campuses, it's difficult to have time to practice.
What makes it all worse is that this is a first relationship for both of us.
We connect so well on every level - even sexually, to an extent. Our minds are on the exact same page when it comes to sex - what kinds of things we've fantasized about, etc... everything fits perfectly. Except for the fact that both of us are pretty much clueless as to how to successfully carry everything out. We've talked about sex so much that I'm starting to feel like it's beating a dead horse. But it always amazes me that we found each other, didn't talk much in depth about sex until pretty far into the relationship, and just about everything is turning out to have amazing chemistry - the problem is it's all based on our shared sexual fantasies, and not really much at all on physical chemistry.
But since the fantasies are the same, carrying it out should be a piece of cake, right? Apparently not. He's gotten me to climax when he uses his hand countless times, but I've never been able to get him to climax. He always gets sore or needs a break before I can. Oral sex doesn't do too much for him (ironic, one of the few girls in the world who would love to do it, her boyfriend is fairly indifferent! I think that's the only aspect where our fantasies don't match).
Also... if you couldn't tell by this post, we're both very cerebral people (very nice way of saying nerdy!) and we tend to analyze and research as much as we can about sex so that the perfectionists in us can rest easy when we try to go about it. Is thinking about it this way detrimental? (Honestly, looking up sex advice turns me on, and I think it does for him too.) I know, I know, it takes practice. But it's tough because we are both such perfectionists.
Anyway.... any advice as to how to make this any easier for us? We're really clueless in the world of sex... but we are so close to each other, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him - I just want things to be enjoyable come bedtime!!
> Also... if you couldn't tell by this post, we're both very cerebral people (very nice way of saying nerdy!) and we tend to analyze and research as much as we can about sex so that the perfectionists in us can rest easy when we try to go about it. Is thinking about it this way detrimental? (Honestly, looking up sex advice turns me on, and I think it does for him too.) I know, I know, it takes practice. But it's tough because we are both such perfectionists.
What answers do these questions elicit?
dont plan stuff like this, just let it happen, once people tend to get really horny things just tend to flow and happen as they may, just relax and get-r-done
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;155244]> Also... if you couldn't tell by this post, we're both very cerebral people (very nice way of saying nerdy!) and we tend to analyze and research as much as we can about sex so that the perfectionists in us can rest easy when we try to go about it. Is thinking about it this way detrimental? (Honestly, looking up sex advice turns me on, and I think it does for him too.) I know, I know, it takes practice. But it's tough because we are both such perfectionists.
What answers do these questions elicit?[/QUOTE]
I'm not quite sure what you mean - are you asking what kind of advice I'm looking for? I am looking for any way to make it a more pleasurable and natural experience, and not something in which thinking about the process will be a distraction.
If you're wondering if asking these questions turns me on, then no. I meant more that getting ideas for sex turns me on, even if it's from an encyclopedia-like resource. Plus, it wouldn't matter if it were turning me on, because I didn't come here to be turned on, I came here so that when I am turned on, taking care of that with my partner won't be a problem.
And if that's an attempt at a nerdy question to poke fun at me, you're wasting my time.
dancingdoc hardly ever makes fun of people i acually dont he has but ne way juss relax the more u stres it the more harder it is for u both
What Doc is implying is that asking whether being perfectionistic and over-thinking-ful about sex is bad is like asking whether watching TV while doing your homework is bad. He's saying that you should already know the answer to that question.
But hey, I'm a nerd too (seriously. I am a math major. My boyfriend does physics.) and take it from me, that doesn't have to be an obstacle to sex. (I think it helps a lot, actually.) It's all a matter of thinking about it in the right way, not an overly self-conscious way, so that you don't throw roadblocks in your own way. It's like when you're writing a paper and suddenly you get "in the zone" and just keep writing effortlessly, it's a mindset. PLEASE don't try to hold onto your perfectionism when you go to have sex. Sex is supposed to be messy, things are supposed to go wrong, it's funny, you can laugh (as long as it's WITH your partner, not AT them). This is one of the reasons we have sex with people, not with machines (and one of the reasons that when we do have sex with machines, it's not as enjoyable on some level). For example, when I'm consciously thinking about blowjob techniques, it never gets my boyfriend off as well as when I'm thinking, "Rarrrgh I shall now demonstrate via my mouth the extreme passion I'm feeling for him right now".
Also, DON'T set goals now. Goals in sex totally suck, especially if you're inexperienced. Just do what feels good, stereotypical as that may sound.
I don't know whether that helps or anything, but I hope you come to enjoy nerdy sex as much as I do! ^_^
First, it sounds like you have one of the most important parts of sex down already - communication!
My advice - don't think too hard during sex. Knowledge is great going in, but what you are feeling at the moment is important. Sex takes practice - but the practice is lots of fun!
Ahhh....love cerebral women--they are SO creative. Take charge. Buy a vibrator and learn how to use it in private. Then get your BF alone, and seduce him by giving him a live performance of you with the vibrator...he will watch and see what gets your going--and being cerebral, he will get the idea, join in, and please you.