My problem is that I never have a desire to have sex. I never think about it either. When I was younger (14, 15,) I thought about sex all the time, even though I was still a virgin, and masturbated a few times a day (I'm female in case anyone missed my screenname) but now I am 22 and never masturbate, never have sexual thoughts, and when me and my boyfriend are together I never want to have sex. I'm in a serious relationship with a man that I truely love and he is very understanding with me and always listens to what I have to say and asks me about what he can do to please me so that is a plus but....
I don't really enjoy sex despite having read many books on the subject with my bf, trying new things/positions, etc. I can never have an orgasm from sex even though me and him have read tons of books on the G-spot and he's tried numerous times to find mine. I just don't feel anything that's g-spot-like inside. What's worse is that I used to enjoy oral sex but now even that does not do much for me physically. Either it feels ok and never gets going or I start to feel good but then the feeling goes away. I take about an hour at least to come from oral sex and sometimes my bf's neck starts to hurt so that he has to stop even though he tries to use pillows to make himself comfortable. So sometimes when I am starting to enjoy it, the feeling stops and then I get disappointed and feel unsatisfied. He tried using his fingers on me also but his hands are rougher than mine and even with lots of lube it hurts me.
I went to a doctor and had my hormones tested and they all came back normal. I even went to a sex therapist for a while but I don't think it helped. She asked me many questions and tried to get me in touch with my sexuality but when she asked me how I feel when doing something sensual I could not think of anything to say. When she asks me how it feels when my bf kisses me, I said it feels like nothing. I like to kiss him because I love him but physically it does nothing for me. Nothing does anything for me physically except massages. That is the only thing that I really love but I want to love sex too.
Everyone tells me that I'm just trying too hard and thinking too much during sex and that I just need to relax, etc. but that doesn't explain why I have lost interest in pleasing myself or why sometimes when I try to touch myself, what used to work fine does nothing for me physically now. It also doesn't explain why oral sex that I used to enjoy with my bf now does not give me the same feeling physically as it used to. Also sometimes, sex hurts even though I've had it many times already. I never get wet so we always use lube but it's not hurting from dryness because with the lube it gets really wet. What hurts is the feeling of my boyfriend's penis touching me inside. I thought that was supposed to be a good feeling but it's not. We've tried all of the clit stimulating positions because the clit is the only way I've had an orgasm but even trying the CAT and other suggested ones doesn't work. Anything other than a tongue or my highly lubricated finger is way too rough for me and my clit is placed high up and is small that the positions just don't reach it. I know that I'm not supposed to use Vaseline with condoms cause it can cause them to break but that is the only thing that I can stand to use as lube because anything else feels too rough if I try to touch myself while we're having sex.
Since the first time I had sex at 18 I never really enjoyed it. I thought that it would get better with time and once I found the right person but now even though I have more experience and am with a man that I love, it still sucks. In general, my life is stress free. I have no hang ups about sex, I just want to enjoy it. I'm so upset about this and I've been like this for a couple of years now. I want to have a genuine desire for sex like I used to when I was going through puberty but now I never do. Has anyone else gone though something like this? I just don't know what to do anymore. If anyone, has any suggestions or advice I would really appreciate it.
Luckily my student insurance gives very cheap prescriptions. I like the idea of a cream better than a pill. I will give everyone an update next tuesday.
MOST testosterone is given by a cream you rub on you stomach or theighs...it gets into the blood stream faster that way!
Just know that Testosterone is VERY expensive if you don't have a prescription drug plan/coverage!
I hope that is it too because then at least I know that there's something I can do about it. I am kind of worried that supplementation would cause me to grow hair and cause acne and all of that but I will still give it a shot if that's what it takes. On the low dose BC pills I was on, I was very sensitive to the hormones in the pills so I hope that this is not the case for the testosterone as well. I will find out next week and let everyone know what happens.
Well....HOPEFULLY that is the issue. Women need testosterone too.....it's crucial to their "libido"
If nothing else, this should prove the old adage - get a 2nd opinion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOpefully you'll be able to get some testosterone creame or the patch....but either way.....GET READY FOR SOME RECHARGHING! THAT STUFF WORKS!
You have gotten some good advice here; it is all good. Remember that about 25% of all women never or very rarely have orgasms. Probably about that same number have a very low desire for sex. A beauty for us women is that each pleasureable experience makes it more likely that it will happen again. Once the cycle of sexual depression is broken, it will simply get better.
I support the suggestion of the vibrator. I do not often use one but my g/f does. She is responsive (to me and, she says, with men) without it but finds that it really helps her masturbating and keeps the pleasant experiences rolling.
The testosterone finding is interesting. We have known that testosterone drives women's desire for sex for a long time. The issue is how to supplement it without shrinking our breasts and growing a mustache. There is now a patch available that releases minute quantities through the skin into the bloodstream and has had very positive results. There are also some physicians who are prescribing oral dosages. This is a good lesson that we need rule out physical causes before we start messing with peoples' minds - for many things.
Get the hormones figured out and get yourself a vibrator. Use it in private until you learn to use it and then, if desired, introduce it into love making. My g/f is able to use a vibrator and perform oral on me at the same time. I like the oral alone better but the change of pace has some interesting results.
With a man, years ago, I did use a vibrator (his) while he rimmed me and, in a crosswise position, used the vibrator whilst having him in me. The vibrator can be a good addition and, rather than becoming depenedent upon it, you will likely find that it jumpstarts other response.
I wish more of my patients would seek (accept) the advice as you are rather than living with a dry sex life.
OK, yesterday I went for my annual exam and explained my problem to the Nurse Practitioner. The problem that I have is that I have the student insurance plan at UCLA and there are no doctors under that plan that specialize in sexual problems. However, although I have had my hormones tested before and was told that they were normal, my nurse went and found my records and when she showed them to me she told me that they were not normal. I was below the normal range for "free testosterone", "total testosterone", and above the normal range for the binding globulin that binds to testosterone and reduces how much of it is free in the blood. My old test was from months ago so we did a new test to see if my hormones are still low. I find out the results next week. If they are still low, then there might be some treatment options for me. If they are normal, I really don't know what I will do!
Glad you've decided to find the doctor referral and pursue that possibility. I think - one way or another - that's where you are going to find the answer. Until you've taken that step, most other discussion and speculation is relatively pointless, although interesting.
Just to clarify my "change of thinking" point, I'm not suggesting you can "will" yourself into loving sex or getting horny, etc. Let's not over-estimate the power of positive thinking.
I can think I'm going to be a rock star as hard as I want, but the odds of it happening are pretty small if I'm not willing to take guitar lessons.
I hope you'll "report back" after you've seen the MD.
Wally
WallyLlama thanks for answering. I'm going to request a referral to a doctor that specializes in sexual problems. I truely believe that this is a physical problem. In the past I tried to go but the medical professionals that I had seen believed that my problem was an emotional one and so thought I would benefit from therapy instead although it didn't help at all.
You wrote: Fifth, and I think most important, we need a major change in thinking. I'd like you to re-read your posts and look at the focus on what you can't do, what you won't do, what isn't happening, etc. My question is what can you do? Obviously, you don't HATE sex... what appeals to you? How do you see yourself enjoying sex? (Setting, person, technique.) The answer that you can't is unacceptable. IF you COULD see it pleasurably, what would be going on, etc.
I'm not a negative person at all. I'm really quite an optimist. I've tried so hard to have a positive outlook on sex but now it's just getting too upsetting for me to be completely positive. My years of trying to just not worry about the orgasms at all, going with the flow, and being positive have not helped in the least. Things are still the same now as they were when I was more positive. I WANT to love sex but right now I dislike it. It doesn't feel good and it even feels bad about half of the time because it physically hurts sometimes or if it doesn't hurt it feels uncomfortable even when we use lube. I'm pretty openminded when it comes to trying things. I've tried lots of different positions with my bf, I have no hang ups about oral sex giving or receiving, etc. etc. I'm not one of those people that can't come from oral sex because in the past I used to but for some reason now I can't and I have no clue as to why that is. My idea of enjoying sex would be to have sex when I'm in the mood for it (which as of now is never) and to enjoy it physically. Like I've mentioned before, the problem is that I am never in the mood and when I am and I do have sex it's not enjoyable for me. On top of that, nothing really turns me on. Touching, kissing, seeing my bf naked, porn, seeing other attractive men, etc. does nothing to make me horny! I'm going to talk to the doctor and see what she says and hopefully she can help somehow.
Rawbob, thanks for the links. I looked at all of them. It does seem that vibrators can have some benefits but the articles seem to be referring to women that can't have orgasms at all. I used to be able to have them but now I can't. The problem is not that I'm incapable because obviously I can have them. In the second link you posted it even says that vibrators can provide stimulation that no finger, tongue, or penis can provide. That's what I'm worried about. I'm not worried about not wanting my bf anymore and only wanting the vibrator. I'm worried that because my body is already so picky about what it likes, that if I like the vibrator and get used to it that nothing my bf does with his fingers, tongue, or penis will do anything for me. Even when I could come from oral sex, it needed to be in such a specific way and for such a long time that sometimes my bf would get so tired or wouldn't be able to keep up the rhythm and speed that I needed that I wouldn't come at all. I don't want to jeopardize the fact that sometimes it is able to work by getting used to a vibrator. Also, the articles talk about how women need men for other things and that men shouldn't feel threatened by vibrators but that doesn't solve my problem. I want to be able to come with the things that my bf does for me. Him kissing me and providing emotional support is not enough. I can tell that he is not happy that nothing he does works for me and honestly I am not happy either. Also, even if I did buy a vibrator, I doubt it will make me want sex more because even when I can rarely have an orgasm with my bf from oral sex, having an orgasm does not make me want sex any more. I'm still not in the mood. Most of the time I'm not in the mood even for oral sex even though I know sometimes it can give me an orgasm. The lack of desire is almost worse than the fact that I don't enjoy sex. I seriously think some mistake was made when my hormones were checked because I don't see how I can possibly be normal having no desire at all. I do appreciate your responding but I'm really not interested at all in trying a vibrator. I want to learn how to come with my boyfriend. Only then will I be happy.
Mspersia, i'm NOT saying you are doomed!
What i AM doing is putting upa mirror and reflecting back what you have said and putting together some thoughts. I"m not a Doctor, but i am a Counselor/Therapist.
You said [QUOTE=Quote ]See, I believe the problem that I'm having is a physical one although I don't know where this problem comes from.[/QUOTE].
This is where i kinda scratch my head....lets get this right:
1) Your OB/GYN says there's nothing physically wrong with you
2) Your sex therapist and you both agree that you've "overcome" your traumatic past" and that's not an issue
3) You don't want to become "addicted" to using a vibrator. Now, i'm still not sold on this one and have been doign some research. Check out these links:
http://www.goodvibes.com/cgi-bin....08.html
http://www.askmen.com/love/vanessa/41b_love_secrets.html
http://www.pursedlips.com/index.cfm?mode=page&month=12-8-2003
In the reading I've done, it's an amazing issue promulgated among women about vibrator addiction. And the bottom line is, ANYTHING done to excess can be bad.....but so far i've seen NO DOCUMENTED MEDICAL EVIDENCE of VIBRATOR ADDCITION.....most who have claimed this have had other psychological issues to deal with and they replaced one addiction for another.
4) You're afraid that you won't be able to reach orgasm by "typical" sexual interaction with your boyfriend. I have read alot over the weekend on this and have discovred that indeed, there are some women who have yet to be able to achieve orgasm thru intercourse or oral sex. All i have read tells me that almost all of the women in this position have learned how to incorporate masturbation (source of orgasm) and traditional sex - and are doing quite well. ALso, many of the women admit to strict upbringing as children (ie: sex for pleasure is bad, sex is for procreation, etc).
5) You're 22 years old and have not had alot of sexual experience.
So, here's my summary.
RELAX! If you dwell on "wanting" to cum during sex with your boyfriend, you're probably over thinking it and only adding to your anxiety about it. It's tough to just "let go" of things we worry about...especially when it comes to intimacy. But, my counseling is to just try and let it go for a while. Just try and focus on taking it one day at a time. You are only 22 year old, and trust me, at 42, i can tell u that my sexual awareness is 10000 times more attuned now then when i was 22.
Focus on the LOVE you have with your boyfriend during sex. Emotion is a powerful aphrodesiac, so i'd encourage you to focus on the love and nurturing feelings you have wiht your boyfriend during sex. To me, there's a huge difference between "making love" and "having sex."
Yes, sometimes i just like to "f***"......its hot, dirty, forbidden, etc....but i NEED to also have times when it's "love making"....Lots of affection and intimacy. I want to know that my partner is being with me because of a deep-seeded love.
I know i've been persistant on this post, but i hate seeing folks suffer unnecessarliy. I hope this helps..and just know, it's "my opinion"..you have to make the decisions for your self.
Mspersia... what an interesting name! If I may, let me through in a couple of thoughts.
First, I think "therapist" comes up because most people (including me) feel that what's going on here is beyond the understanding and advice of friends and a forum. I'd suggest that just because you went to a therapist once, that doesn't mean a different one wouldn't have value.
Second, I wholeheartedly agree that you should not fall victim to the Freudian Psychology that a past trauma affects and determines your entire future. I wish more amateur pyschologists would study some of the "non Freudian" pyschologists like Jung and Skinner. To use a very scientific psychological term, much of the application of Freud is bullshit.
Third, if you are convinced - as you say - the problem is physical, find an MD who specializes in sexual problems. (I'm not talking about an ob/gyn.)
Fourth, do not take everything you hear as gospel truth whether it's here on the board or from someone (like a therapist or doctor) who SHOULD know. We're all human and have our biases.
Fifth, and I think most important, we need a major change in thinking. I'd like you to re-read your posts and look at the focus on what you can't do, what you won't do, what isn't happening, etc. My question is what can you do? Obviously, you don't HATE sex... what appeals to you? How do you see yourself enjoying sex? (Setting, person, technique.) The answer that you can't is unacceptable.
IF you COULD see it pleasurably, what would be going on, etc.
Another bit of amateur psychology defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Let's do some different things!
Wally
Rawbob, so you're saying that I'm doomed to never enjoy sex because I've had bad experiences?? I'm telling you that I'm over them. Even my therapist said so. There's nothing really to discuss because my past is not an issue for me anymore. I don't see what more some other therapist can do to help because I've already talked out my problems with many people including my boyfriend, friends, and old therapist. It didn't make any changes because I don't believe that that's the problem to start with. There are no control issues involved with masturbation but I still can't enjoy it even though I used to even after I had my past bad experiences with ex boyfriends. It's only the past two years or so that I haven't been able to respond to it and since then nothing traumatic has happened would be the cause. See, I believe the problem that I'm having is a physical one although I don't know where this problem comes from. I am hesitant to use the vibrator because my therapist and OB-Gyn both told me that people can become dependent on a certain feeling and way of having an orgasm so that nothing else will do and that that can often happen when women use vibrators. Once they start being able to come from a vibrator, then they often can't come from using their own hands or anything their man will do for them. I want to want sex again. That is my problem. Not only do I want to enjoy it but I want to want it and be able to have an orgasm from what my boyfriend does to me. I don't want to have to rely on my own touch only or on some vibrator for an orgasm. I want him to be able to give me one too and so does he but it just doesn't happen. I know that sex is very much mental and I'm sure that if I was feeling horny more that I would enjoy sex more but I never feel horny, ever! That's one of my biggest problems and I don't know why I feel this way because I'm only 22 and my hormones are normal.
First off no you cannot get addicted to the vibrator. Although I personally don't see the problem with that. But I have no intention to ever stop using one. I can assure that I can very easlily achieve an orgasm in other ways. I used my fingers the last two times I masturbated and had great orgasms.
But my mind was highly engaged at the time. Rawbob is right in that so much of our sexuality is in the mind. It starts mostly with our thoughts and feelings we are having.
Maybe nothing dramatic ever happened to you. That is why I was suggesting that you try other ways to stimulate your brain and get the juices flowing so to speak.
Also yes you are right that sometimes the mind can be willing and the body refuse to respond. I have had this happen many times over the years. I have learned that it is tied to my monthly. Right before I start I might think I really want sex but have had my body totally reject anything done to me.
Now during my monthly is when I am at my most horniest. I often have the very best sex at that time because we are more creative and adventures at.
I am most concerned because if you have this kind of lack of desire at 22 where are you going to be in ten years. I know many married women with familys that have no sex drive at all. I always feel bad because they are missing out on such a huge part of being a woman.
Hi MsPersia:
The human mind is incredibly powerful. If you did have unpleasant episodes when you were younger and come from a very strict upbringing..IT IS VERY POSSIBLE that your mind has just put the "memory, pain, shame, etc" in place far away from your conscious mind.....but, TRUST ME....you body CAN still be impacted by those memories and trauma.
My "dime store psychology" tells me that the combination of those "memories" manifest themselves in how your body reacts to sex.
Remember, masturbation is SELF induced. There's no one else there, your safe..you can start and stop whenver yuou want...........there is no "control" issues.
YOur conscious mind says "go ahead, engage in sex"..your subconscious says "You parents told you this is bad, you shouldn't do this.....you're bad....."...and your mind also says, "remember the past, how you were hurt and how it made you feel..how u were used and not loved...if you enjoy sex, it's going to happen again".
So, you body "shuts off" the pleasure zones....as a protection method.
I think you should seek a therapist....not just a sex therapist..but one with more broad background. I'm sure that those repressed issues will, if not already, affect you in other ways.
Oh, one more thing sweetie....you CAN"T get addicted to a vibrator. It's a tool....like a can opener, toothbrush, etc....it's NOT the instrument.....it's how you perceive it. I think what youre afraid of is that IF you can cum and are satisfied that you might have an excuse NOT to have sex....which only builds on the circle of separation of your mind, soul and sexual well-being.
HOpe this helps!
Thank you both for replying.
I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one Tessie! My boyfriend is also way more experienced than I am, like your husband was. I have never tried a vibrator but I am hesitant to do so because I don't want to become dependent on it. Right now, the easiest way for me to have an orgasm is in the shower under the faucet
Because of that, I don't bother using my hands anymore because it just doesn't seem worth it to me to because with my hands it takes much longer and also I feel like I have to force the orgasms if they even do come at all and when they do they are not strong at all. I'm thinking the same thing may happen if I get a vibrator. My sex therapist recommended one to "get in touch" with what I like but she also warned me that I could become such that I can't come without the vibrator and I don't want that! Maybe it is true that the less sex you have the less you want it but when I do see my boyfriend and we do have sex, it doesn't make me want it any more. I feel like it's a chore because I have sex to please my boyfriend but not because I want to because I'm never in the mood and when I'm not in the mood I don't enjoy it. Even when I am in the mood, I usually don't enjoy it physically although I like it for emotional reasons. The only time I ever felt a desire to be sexual was about a year ago when I met this one guy that was really interested in me that I thought was the most attractive guy I had ever seen. Of course we never did anything because I would never cheat on my bf and the guy ended up being a jerk anyway but that is the last time I remember feeling any type of desire.
Rawbob, even after I had sex for the first time I still liked to masturbate. Having sex was not what made me stop. I stopped having sex about a year after I started and then didn't have sex until about a year ago after I had been with my boyfriend for a while. See, my therapist thought it's some repressed memory too but although my first experiences with sex were bad I never think about them any more. I don't have any hang ups meaning I'm not shy about being naked, I don't have low self esteem, and I'm not plagued by my past memories all the time. I seriously don't think it's that because there are lots of people that have some bad experiences with sex that still enjoy it and at least desire it even if they are not enjoying it that much. My first time I didn't enjoy because I didn't even like the guy that much. I thought he liked me and I had never dated anyone up until then and I don't even know why I did it looking back. I probably did it to spite my parents because they are extremely strict and they tried to control my every move. My relationship with them is different now that I don't live at home and we get along great. I haven't had any tragedies in my life and I was never abused. I was involved with some jerky guys that I never really liked but just wanted to be with someone because I was lonely at the time. I'm a different person now though. I'm way more mature. I know I made some mistakes but they don't bother me at all any more.
You say the problem is mental but how can it be if physically my body doesn't respond anymore? I have lots of friends that can sleep with a guy that they don't even care about and enjoy the sex and have orgasms even though they have no emotional attachment to the guy. Obviously sex isn't all mental. There must be a physical aspect to it that I'm lacking but I don't know why. I was never injured so I don't know why I would be desensitized now.
((((girl)))) I feel your pain in reading all that. I know how it feels to want to enjoy sex and not being able to. I went through that in my early 20's.
I would give my boyfiend sex but never came or really cared much about it. Oh it felt nice but I didn't know how to have an orgasm with a man.
Like you when I was going through puberty I was horny all the time and would masturbate alot. I too have a small clit and it can be very sensitive.
Now when I met my to be husband at 24 he was much more expierenced then me in how to please his partner. He had worked in an adult book store that had live woman peek show thingys and he quizzed the girls and educated himself very well.
Our first night in our new apartment he brought out the vibrator that he bought me. At first I was very shy and timid. He tried to use it on but he hurt me to bad. So he put it in my hand and let me use it. Ohhhhhhh the rest is history.
I love my vibrator almost as much as I love my husband. LOL.
I can control the speed and how hard I press it to my clit.
Have you tried a virbator? I would so recommend it to you if you haven't
I also know for a fact that the less a person has sex the less they want it. You have got to get in touch with your inner desires or go hunt some down.
You got to think yourself sexy in order to have good sex. Try reading erotic stories or better yet write one yourself. Let your imagination go wild and just write whatever comes to mind. If you write something for you and your guy then when in bed you can read it to him. That used to really get us going when I would do this for my guy.
Thats just one suggestion and I am sure you will get many more from the members here.
I do know that the more you do it and let yourself really go the better it will get. You are only 22 so give yourself a break and enjoy the journey.
Well, we gotta find out WHAT HAPPENED between the time you LOVED sex (thru masturbation) and when you 1st discovered that the feeling stopped!
The human mind is the MOST powerful organ in the body.
Something happend to trigger this, and it's my guess that you've either REPRESSED a memory or you've pushed it so far to the side that you dismissed it as having any real impact on you.
You said that when you had sex for the first time at 18 you never really enjoyed it. Why? What happend? did you like the guy? Did he force you? did you give in? were you drunk?
How is your family life? Are they strict, do you live in a very religious environment?
How about your body? Have you gained or lost weight? Had any family tragedies sine you noticed no feeling good about sex?
Were you ever sexually abused or touched in any way? Were any friends or family sexually abused in any way?
If you want advise, we're gonna need more info! AND I BELIVE THE PROBLEM IS IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS!