So after reading through this these long term relationship threads for the past couple of weeks. It seems like most people that are in long term relationships end up falling in these "ruts". A sudden lack of sexual desire from either the male or female, which is actually what brought me here in the first place. It seems like all of the advice sounds all the same. ok, ok i get it. Time to get out of this rut and leave this guy once and for all. I was in a relationship for 9 years and i was in that same "rut" for close to 5!! i'm now a single woman and although I'm a bit torn, I'm confident now that i'll eventually be fine!! :)
Now what I never and STILL do not understand is WHY DO MEN SUDDENLY LOSE THE DESIRE TO HAVE SEX??? It confused me then and still confuses me now. I never thought I would see the day where I wanted to have sex more than my husband did. I'm open to hearing anyone's theory but I'd LOVE to hear this from a man's point of view who actually went through this particular situation. My soon to be ex husband could not explain and i felt like he was just trying to hide the truth. Now I know you're situation may not be the same as mine, however, hearing some responses would probably give me a little bit of closure. thanks y'all :p
elissa--I don't get it either, quite frankly! I'm 59 years old and have been living with women since I was 20. When my first wife would "loose interest" every few years for a few months, it was usually something situational--work stress, family stuff, etc. Then she lost interest for a few years in her 40s, for seemingly no reason. She began turning back on to it in her 50s, but died shortly thereafter. My second wife wanted (demanded!) sex at least every other day when we were first together, but now, 3 1/2 years later, we're down to once a week or less. In all this time, I've NEVER refused to have sex with either of my wives on a single occasion, or with the girlfriends I had in between--why would a guy NOT want to have sex? It's a good question--even after my heart attack and triple by-pass, I wanted to begin having sex again within a couple of weeks (the doctor made me wait a month!)
Michael
Men lose interest for the same reason women do ... stress, work, kids, etc.
With me, I lost interest in having sex with my wife after being turned down for so many times (over several years), it became a game I was no longer willing to play and it was easier and quicker to masterbate than get rejected.
You also mention the "rut" and that can be something that becomes so routine that sex has lost it's "zing". There are so many things you can do to relight that spark and there are dozens of threads on here as well as articles around the net to help in that arena.
There could also be a medical issue at hand. The question you should ask him, is "do you wish you wanted to have sex with me?" If he would like to have that desire back, then help him seek out medical or psychiatric help.
> WHY DO MEN SUDDENLY LOSE THE DESIRE TO HAVE SEX?
One of several reasons: I came, I saw, I conquered {the girl) and after having bedded her, no further input is required. It's now off to other conquests.
Doc put it perfectly! I have lost interest in several gils after having sex with them.
I have also had periods of 0 sexual desire, as well as periods when I thought I had a sexual addiction. To be completely honest, there was NO correlation between my sex drive and my life. My diet, stress levels, sleep...didn't matter how much or how little, I could always go. I do notice however, if I start running every night, or do a big workout, I wind up gaining quiet a bit of sexual desire.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;273951]> WHY DO MEN SUDDENLY LOSE THE DESIRE TO HAVE SEX?
One of several reasons: I came, I saw, I conquered {the girl) and after having bedded her, no further input is required. It's now off to other conquests.[/QUOTE]
Funny that I've also asked my perhaps-friend-perhaps-lover-perhaps-soon-to-be-ex if that's part of the issue. More specifically; now that I can orgasm all I want and know exactly what I like and want from him, there isn't as much adventure or challenge to him. He refuses to believe that could be true.
If he does figure out what it is and is prepared to tell me; I'll get back to this question ;) We've thought of several things during the past year. His health-issues which make him very tired. But also have an emotional effect as it makes him feel like his body betrays him. Side-effects of his medication. Stress at the job (and his loyalty to overwork ;)). A change in how he perceives me; not as much as lover, but as someone he cares for and worries about (I'm ill a lot). Fear of pregnancy. Fear of how close we've bonded and how much I love him. How much he loves me is perhaps even more terrifying to him. Fear to hurt me. Fear to lose me. Fear to lose himself in a relationship. All together; it consumes him.
I think that when people lose their sexual desire, it's one or (more likely) a combination of several:
-physical; hormonal changes, illness, medicinal side-effects, etc
-mental; lessons learned about sex being wrong, getting stuck in routines, experiencing too little interesting sensory input, etc
-emotional; bad experiences (recent or the past coming back to hunt you), when you aren't comfortable with who you are or what you look like or even hate yourself, fear or anger about anything related to sex or the relationship, etc
-social; work, children, household, etc
I'd summarize it as; all things that take up so much energy and/or make you feel bad, that there is no positive energy left to boost your fire.
Novelty.
And do NOT think it's just SOME men. "Fresh Meat" also attracts SOME women. Monogamy is, frankly, killing us since it is not how we evolved.
When you're with the same woman or man for a number of years - your hormones drop and go into a maintenance level - making you easier to live with but not sexually exciting. An affair or open relationship prevents this drop from occuring since the NOVELTY induces an increase in the hormones in both women and men. Life becomes EXCITING again!
PARTY!
And Doc - conquered? LMAO
Lol I felt that once. A girl had a strict rule:
No sex for 1 year.
We started dating on a Friday, slept with her a week and a half later...
No longer had interest in her. I felt like I literally "conquered" her because it was a challenge.
Wouldn't it be useful then to differentiate between;
losing the desire to have sex
or losing the desire to have sex with a particular person?
In the latter situation I think novelty could very well be the answer :) But by the former I mean sex as a whole, no matter with who. Just simply lacking every sexual desire. Failing to see any eye-candy, let alone feel stimulated by it. Most likely even uninterested or unable to masturbate. Unless his fire has really "died" from pro-longed boredom of routine (which I guess could happen), I guess novelty would not be the answer to such a situation.
True enough, RR. Precision would be very useful.
I'm guessing, Ducy, that she wasn't a tigress who turned you into a quivering puddle of protoplasm, scarred your back and blew your mind into splintered shards either. There's 'conquered' and then "CONQUERED", my friend.
No I pretty much did that to her.
Is it kinda strange that the best sex I ever had was with a "lesbian". I use the quotes because I honestly refuse to believe my ex is lesbian
Okay, then you can see why you lost interest.
My question to you is - although her rule was perhaps unreasonable, what does your 'quest to conquer her' end up saying about you?
Lol well nowadays when I think back to it, I feel like a douche. But that was when I was going through my rebound and hanging with a lot of womanizers. I lived my entire teen years in an 18 month period lol. A lot of things I wish I had done differently but hey, our mistakes help shape who we become right?
EDIT: aside from feeling like a douche, it does give me a bit of an ego boost knowing that I was "charming" enough to get a girl to break her rules. Not that I could do it with anyone but its the same as getting a girl to send you nude pics. Sure its nice seeing them, but its more rewarding when its a girl who "doesn't do that". It takes a sort of finesse. And this makes me sound like an even bigger douchebag lol. But I don't show others, I don't tell others I've gotten pics of "so and so" and I don't lie or pressure them. Its always on their own. (Not like some people I know who use "I Love You" as a tool to get sex/pics/anything)
Yeah, you feel bad - so does she - and that just makes it harder for the next guy down the line - so Ducy, the others guys owe you a fist in the mouth. "Thanks for adding to the baggage".
Before you guys start asking why women make it so tough on a guy - well, there's reason number !.
I believe there may be several contributing factors to loss of desire. The one that I feel is most commonly overlooked by men is the loss of male hormone production as life progresses. Vitamin deficiency as well as poor diet in general. The ego often presents a barrier in that one has to admit there is a slowdown in the libido before you can take steps to improve it. Also, I think couples may not fully disclose to their partners ALL of their deep desires consequently there may be a consistent lacking of fulfillment. The only way that I can see to overcome this area of concern is very specific discussions about what it is that each other wants from sex. Some people just can bring themselves to verbalize their innermost desires and fantasies to their lover. Personally I love talking about sex with my partner and find it very erotic to hear from her in detail just what it is that she is wanting. In a nutshell. taking the guesswork out of what she wants makes it much more attractive to participate in.
Lol well EEK it was her choice. I never begged or pressured her. She came on to me about having sex. But I will gladly take a punch to the mouth. I know I deserve it
And let us NOT overlook that sometimes men just want a hug or to be held or snuggle. I know, but men are people too and sometimes even big grumpy teddybears need pets.