Hello,
This is my first post.... this seems like a good forum :D
I'm female, nearly 30, and am a relative newbie to the world of sex. I've got a boyfriend (my first) who is slightly older and has only had one other partner previously, a single time, apparently. We're both rubbish at this... I'm thinking of getting rid of him just so I don't have to go through it again it's so bad...
I'm pretty good at giving him oral sex, and hand jobs, both successfully make him come. He's a bit rubbish at performing oral sex on me, but has bought me my first toys so I can come too. He feels bad that he can't make me come with his own hands / mouth.
But there are two things I just can't stand:
a) One of his fetishes. He loves tickling me, I don't love it at all. I find it distressing and it makes me not want him to touch me. He loves it. He says things like "you'll get used to it" and "you love it really", but I really don't!!
b) He's rubbish at intercourse. I'm not so keen on the idea anyway; I'm terrified of pregnancy and he's vehemently anti-condom. I tried going on the pill a few years ago for an unrelated thing and I had terrible side-effects so I don't want to try anything like that, and don't like the idea of going to the doctor's for contraception - having people interfering, sticking things in me...
But... what he'll do is suddenly get horny, ask me to get on my back, sit on me and... fail to get it in me a few times, stick it on, thrust a few times (and GOD IT HURTS), I complain so he GOES AT IT HARDER for a few seconds, he then FALLS OUT of me, fumbles a little, and that's it. If I'm not too injured, he'll ask me to get into another position and try that. Mostly I want to kick him in the head.
Sometimes it takes a few days until I want anything inserted into me again.
KY-Jelly stings slightly, btw. That seems really weird? I'd rather he lubricated me with foreplay but... oral sex and intercourse don't seem related to him, somehow? I can't seem to get through to him that when he gets really horny he should do something other than stab his penis into me immediately.
Last week he went into me, thrust a few times, fell out, tried another position, I'm asking him to try and go in deeper, he emotionally collapses and says his penis isn't long enough, but I know it's normal sized... then sits there wanking, still astride me. He says he'll get to almost come, then stick it in me.
I was so pissed off with him! I still am! I'm not just some cum-target...! Something to put your dick into *after* you're done with yourself!
And there he is... bewildered, saying "I always wanted a girl with a tight pussy, but, yours is constantly trying to push me out!" :confused:
We also tried anal sex once. He wants it more, as a substitute, but I really don't want it again. Although it didn't provide me with a huge amount of pain, I didn't like it at all, and does nothing for me. He wants it again, though, and is using the fact it hurts less as *THE REASON* I should try it again.
Gah, It's Getting Worse Every Time!
I really love him otherwise, but he's appalling at sex!
What can I do? How much is my fault?
I think that it's ignorance for the most part, rather than anyones fault. He needs to learn the value of foreplay. Also, if you tell him that you don't like something, you make damn sure that he gets the point. If you don't like to be tickled, don't let him, tell him that it hurts, and that you won't get used to it. And no, you aren't a "cum target", it sounds like he could stand to learn some respect. If he is new at this, and it sounds like he is, then inform him, tell him the issues that you have. Basically, if you sit down with him, and explain things to him, the way that you have written, he should get the point. Make sure that you tell him that you do love him, he just needs to examine the way he goes about doing things. Also, proper lubrication is VERY VERY important, KY-Warming, has a tendency to "burn or sting" some women, is that the ky that you are using? If so, there are many other forms of KY, there is also Astroglide.
Yeah, sounds as if you really love this one....I think YOU have some serious issues, one about sex it's self and how to handle a relationship; calling the man you apparently love "rubbish". Secondly with your attitude toward seeing a gyn--face it babes, grow up your nearly 30!
sounds like a bad situation you have yourself in, and it sounds like he doesnt care for you all that much if all he does is use you to get off, then blame it on you when he screws it up.
I say drop him. It sounds like he is very inconsiderate, and only concerned with his own gratification.
Yeah all of the above.
New to sex
Try this thread too, this girl was kind of in the same situation. Her b/f is clueless in the process of sex...as far as doing foreplay...and just sticking it in her or getting himself off...and leaving her high and dry!
If he doesn't wear condoms...and you aren't able to take the pill..then what are you using?? Luck? I would just hate to see you get pregnant from this guy..and be stuck w/ him!
And Sera is right... going to the Gyno is just part of being a woman... if you are sexually active...you should go (like when you are young).
Once you get a certain age...you should be going just for general health..even if you aren't sexually active.
He has no respec for any woman... you never force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.... much less tell them.. they'll get used to it!
1. You need to see a reputable sex therapist.
2. He needs to see a reputable sex therapist.
3. You both need to see a sex therapist.
4. Your post reads like some of my middle aged patients who never learned to like sex; did not want to like sex; and, were not about to enjoy it.
Hmm, you're probably all right. As in correct.
My current feeling is that I just want to know whether intercourse can be good out of curiosity. I don't care really. But I've heard good reviews of sex, from, well, the whole world, so I feel like I'm probably missing out.
But my experience up until now has been that, NO, it's horrible and incredibly traumatic.
Please understand, I generally feel dislike towards things that are horrible and incredibly traumatic.
I don't want to try and re-do things that I find horrible and incredibly traumatic, just to see if it's at all less horrible and traumatic next time.
This is my last ditch attempt before going back to celibacy. Or at least, quitting trying anything other than us achieving orgasms solely though other means. I'm tempted to dump him if he tries anything that makes me feel that bad ever again.
I really want to avoid gyns as much as possible. It's a huge phobia of mine. I really can't stand all things medical! I'm not seeing any doctors unless I'm in danger of dying!
Are condoms really that bad? Really?
And... he doesn't really blame me. He just emotionally crumbles as a inadequate failure of a man and goes back to wanking. That's his attitude to himself, not mine. I think he's a lot better of a guy than he does. It's good that he's open, but that reaction is so unsexy!
So yeah, he is pretty rubbish. I'll continue to use that word.
He keeps going "this is so much harder than in porn!" and I'm like "it's film, you know... they use special effects!" ... argh, I need to find *actual* teaching resources.
[url=http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/20641-intercourse_orgasms_the_ge... thread seems quite good; I might use that... [url=http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/pleasing_her/21485-penis_pops_out_during... one seems relevant, too...
...I'm just procrastinating and trying to kid myself, aren't I?
[quote=ThinksTooMuch;177671]Hmm, you're probably all right. As in correct.
My current feeling is that I just want to know whether intercourse can be good out of curiosity. I don't care really. But I've heard good reviews of sex, from, well, the whole world, so I feel like I'm probably missing out.
But my experience up until now has been that, NO, it's horrible and incredibly traumatic.
Please understand, I generally feel dislike towards things that are horrible and incredibly traumatic.
I don't want to try and re-do things that I find horrible and incredibly traumatic, just to see if it's at all less horrible and traumatic next time.
This is my last ditch attempt before going back to celibacy. Or at least, quitting trying anything other than us achieving orgasms solely though other means. I'm tempted to dump him if he tries anything that makes me feel that bad ever again.
I really want to avoid gyns as much as possible. It's a huge phobia of mine. I really can't stand all things medical! I'm not seeing any doctors unless I'm in danger of dying!
Are condoms really that bad? Really?
And... he doesn't really blame me. He just emotionally crumbles as a inadequate failure of a man and goes back to wanking. That's his attitude to himself, not mine. I think he's a lot better of a guy than he does. It's good that he's open, but that reaction is so unsexy!
So yeah, he is pretty rubbish. I'll continue to use that word.
He keeps going "this is so much harder than in porn!" and I'm like "it's film, you know... they use special effects!" ... argh, I need to find *actual* teaching resources.
this thread seems quite good; I might use that... this one seems relevant, too...
...I'm just procrastinating and trying to kid myself, aren't I?[/quote]
Yeap...best if to hold on the sex, learn both of you! Then try the "right" way. It's a great experience, not meant to be horrible. As far as the gyn, I have never loved it but it can be an issue of life or death if you do not go!
Sometimes I think people are too quick just to say, "Go to a therapist."
This is not one of those times.
You (yeah, you, the original poster) need to do one of two things:
- Go see a therapist, or
- Stop trying to have sex altogether.
The downside of the latter, of course, is that it eliminates any relationship of which the other person considers sex to be an inherent part.
I don't know what to think about the guy, but that kind of doesn't matter, since we're not really talking about him. I will say that I doubt anyone is going to turn in a sparkling performance with a woman who starts out believing the whole thing is "horrible and incredibly traumatic."
(An aside: so far as I can tell, it's a current slangy Britishism to use "rubbish" as an adjective: it's obviously critical, but I don't think it's intended to sound as harsh as it does to the rest of us).
Intercourse is EXTREMELY GOOD! You're welcome.
You need to stop being exclusive with this inept male, see a gynecologist, see a sex therapist, and GET ON WITH having some decent sex for once with men who have a clue and some skills. Check out your local swing group and get a few referrals from the other women if nothing else.
I, uh, you're kidding, right? I mean... that sounds like "I got a kitten for Christmas. It's now May and all it does it scratch me and everything around it" "ok, get in touch with the local Lion's Den or Roman Colosseum and see how you go". I mean, NO!?
Argh.
But yeah, thanks. Everyone. I think.
Apart from it's all terrifying so I'm just going to try and hide under a rock rather than listen to good advice. (It's good advice, don't get me wrong! I appreciate it! Just... it's all scaring me!)
...
That was the wrong response.
Ok.
Sorry.
What do sex therapists and gynacologists do?
From my experience of gynacologists, they don't talk to you, don't explain anything, prod you with odd looking instruments, make you feel uncomfortable and treat you like an animated piece of meat. Which I don't like. But that could just be the NHS. (Yes, I'm English. I apologise.)
Again, I get the feeling that my experience is different from the rest of the universe, on this matter. So what do they really do?
And what do sex therapists do? As in, not the outcome but what goes on?
I need to hold still and exchange fear for information. (I want to run away) (I want to run away) (I want to run away)
Yeah...I'd dump you.
Geez, I wonder why this guy feels inadequate? I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with trying to please you or trying to get you to enjoy something or trying to get you to try something...I would bet that this guy is not nearly as inept as you make him out to be - it's simply being told to us through the eyes of the beholder. If you always put on your "F*CK THE WORLD" glasses before trying anything sexual, I bet he spends the entire time terrified of whether or not the next thing out of your mouth will be cynical, seething with boredom or just hurtful. Hell, I'm surprised he can keep a woody at all...that's what all the side spanking is about I'm sure is just trying to keep it hard with all of yours and his anxiety present.
First of all, stop being self defeating. You come here to ask for advice, and then you deny every piece of advice we give you. Do you actually want this situation to get better? Then stop being immature and do what you need to do for your health and your relationship. So you have had bad experiences with sex. We all have, but if you have a partner that you claim to 'love' then he and you both need to talk about your issues and what you need to do to get through it.
There are plenty of threads on this board about what gynecologists do (do a search), and you being ignorant and afraid of them is not an excuse not to go. This is a matter of your health.
Therapists are different for everyone, try one out and see what you get out of it.
[QUOTE=Chino;177911]Yeah...I'd dump you.
Geez, I wonder why this guy feels inadequate? I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with trying to please you or trying to get you to enjoy something or trying to get you to try something...I would bet that this guy is not nearly as inept as you make him out to be - it's simply being told to us through the eyes of the beholder. If you always put on your "F*CK THE WORLD" glasses before trying anything sexual, I bet he spends the entire time terrified of whether or not the next thing out of your mouth will be cynical, seething with boredom or just hurtful. Hell, I'm surprised he can keep a woody at all...that's what all the side spanking is about I'm sure is just trying to keep it hard with all of yours and his anxiety present.[/QUOTE]
OK.
Well then, what could I possibly do to stop you from dumping me?
No really, I mean it.
[QUOTE=girl12;177912]There are plenty of threads on this board about what gynecologists do (do a search)[/QUOTE]
(sorry I can't spell)
...and which board? Women's health? (I don't know how to navigate this efficiently....!)
And sorry for appearing to shrug off your advice, but I'm just really really nervous!
[QUOTE=ThinksTooMuch;177915]OK.
Well then, what could I possibly do to stop you from dumping me?
No really, I mean it.
[/QUOTE]
Well, I'm glad you ask because I have been (and still am to a degree) that guy sometimes. So, sorry if I came off as very negative in my first response, but I HATE that complacent, or "it's not my fault" attitude towards this matter.
My wife has been working through issues like this - different at times and it's not constant, but often and over the course of years. She describes it as an overwhelming feeling that she can not control. She gets anxious, unknowingly covers (protects) herself with her arms, and her words always have a bit of a harsh or condescending tone to them.
So, here is what I would really suggest as a way to make progress.
1. TALK ABOUT IT
Make it OK for an interaction to messed up. As you admit, you are both not good at it. If your relationship really is strong at all you can openly discuss this difficulty. Also, allow it to be discussed during sex. Tell him if you are feeling anxious. Let him tell you if he feels like you have a tone or attitude to what you say.
2. MAKE IT OK TO FAIL AND HIGHLIGHT THE GOOD
Make the focus of sex to have something positive to walk away with and be able (him too) to stop during the middle of sex if things are going sour - there is no need to finish something that isn't as it should be as it will just cause resentment. It could be anything successful that happened during the interaction. For example, if its a kiss that leads to bad sex that you don't complete , then focus on the passion of that kiss - or the part of the sex that you did like before you got anxious and dried up.
3. TAKE CONTROL...OF ANYTHING
I promise that your man feels lost to some degree (maybe a great degree if he is also bad on top of things). He may be bad at giving you oral, but I also bet your bad at telling him what you like. Also, if you don't like him pounding away at you, make him lie still and you be in charge (this thought probably freaks you out a bit, but again - create a situation where you can talk and it's OK to fail).
4. DISCOVER YOUR OWN (HIM TOO) SEXUAL IDENTITY
Do you like to be submissive? Do you like to be dominant? Both? Could you tell your man how to start/continue/finish using his fingers on you? Can you do this yourself? This is no different than the advice about you having to like yourself before anyone else can like you. You have to know what you want in order for someone to provide you with what you want. Mutual maturbation is a good way for you to both develop comfort and identity. Try even simulating different sex positions with mutual masturbation.
5. MAKE IT A ROUTINE
Typically, most people will say that this is counter productive and adds to the mechanical nature...blah,blah,blah. It's bad now anyways right? I say that you should pick 3-4 days of the week (maybe even a time) and always do something - even if its not intercourse. Repetition, repetition, repetition. In order to overcome any sort of fear you have to face it. Setting firm times will not allow you to avoid it as easily and may help you to anticipate it.
That's what I would do...that's some of what I have done. Not all of it helps. Nothing will be instantaneous. There will be failures...just be willing to talk about them and try again.
Thanks, Chino. :)
I'd actually been feeling like I wanted to get dumped recently, so you struck a chord with me. Uh, that's because I know he wouldn't be able to take me dumping him. Just so I'd get out of having sex with him. I'd maybe try and go back to women again. No more pregnancy worries, for a start! But then... no, I generally find women even harder to understand than men... ;)
You're right, I need to talk more. Get into control more. Diffuse bombs rather than letting them go off. Try and reduce the amount of anxiety.
I need to appreciate what I have. A wonderful man who adores me, is kind, patient, and caring. We also have a similar set of obscure interests and similar outlook to life.
This has been really the only thing I don't like about him.
And yeah, he's my equal in many things. That includes self-defeatedness and low self-esteem, hehe. So yeah I need to remember that and support him instead of allowing him to spiral into defeat.
He's definitely feeling that he needs to win man-points though... so I can say that it's ok to fail, or not even acknowledge it at all, but he'll still feel bad. I know he also feels inadequate that I can get him to orgasm with my hands and mouth, pretty much every time, but he can't do the same for me... not that I've ever been able to orgasm using my own hands... so it's kind of difficult to guide him...
But, yeah.
[must think positive must think positive must think positive]
Thanks!
Those are the same qualities that I saw in my wife. We dated for over 7 years before getting married and I struggled constantly with the fear of marrying someone with an unequal sex drive. Constantly weighing the missing intimacy against the seeming perfection of everything else. Coming to grips with the fact that no matter what, the bedroom will creep into all facets of what is amazing about your relationship.
This has become a bit of a therapeutic thing for me to do and it may not all pertain to what is happening in your situation, but it sounds as though you do have a good relationship that is sabotaged by bad intimacy as I have experienced. I have simply learned to never be complacent (or complicit) when it comes to a bad sex life and I have committed myself to my wife knowing that this may always be a struggle. She's worth it.
Do something about the pregnancy thing!
You will never relax if that is on your mind. Make a deal to lighten your mood (or whatever is appropriate) if he wears a condom and find a way (if you are not currently) to become familiar with lubricant. I know someone mentioned KY warming previously and my wife had a burning sensation from that as well. Regular old liquid KY works perfectly for us and she even uses it to begin to masturbate as well so her fingers can slide more gently across things versus half sticking, jerky movements.
Peace.