When my b/f and I first got together, we were talking openly about what we enjoy during sex, what we don't enjoy, etc. He said that he likes fast, aggressive (not hurtful, but a little rough) sex. I told him that I don't mind that kind of sex but I really enjoy slow, passionate sex with lots of foreplay and kissing, etc. Well, we have been having sex for about 8 months now and EVERY time we have always had the kind of sex he likes. I have asked him a few times to at least once do what I like. He said that I need to stop playing into all that stuff that you see in the movies. It's not about the movies at all. That's just what I like. I even tried turning it into a fun little game where I kind of seduced him and kept the control in my hands but as soon as I would start to do what I really like and what turns me on, he would switch it up and push what he likes. He does oral and sometimes fingers me and there is a little kissing here and there but other than that, there really is no foreplay. Maybe foreplay doesn't do much for him but it really turns me on and it's hard for me to get in the mood and get wet enough to enjoy sex with him if there isn't much foreplay or it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong, his way is still great but I just want a little more and longer lasting foreplay and I want slow sex my way once in a while. I tried talking to him about it but it didn't get me anywhere. What do I do?
Fri, 07/13/2007 - 18:49
#1
It's always his way, never mine!
Print off a copy of your post and give it to him to read, because what you wrote is exactly what he needs to hear. If he gives you anymore, "you need to stop playing into all that stuff that you see in the movies" crap, tell him that the reason it's in movies, is because it works. If that doesn't do it, I get rid of him, because he sounds like an inconsiderate ass!
hm I'd agree with the last poster as well, it is just a FACT that foreplay is part of sex and ESSENTIAL for a womans enjoyment as unlike men they are not up and ready to go at a moments notice but need time to be aroused, he is not being that considerate at all, from what I have understood his "a little bit rough sex" amounts to just sticking it in and banging away till he's satisfied and thats all the sex you have, hm no it should work like that thats not making love together/with one another thats him just having his own fun with no consideration for you, doesn't sound like he loves you that much,
He has some sort of agenda that he is not sharing with you. Sounds to me like he likes what he likes when he likes it and to heck with you, you're just the vehicle or a means to his end. From what you have written, he is sending clear signals that he is not interested in what pleases you. If you derive pleasure inadvertently by way of what he is doing, that's probably fine yet of no real importance to him. This attitude must show up in other parts of your relationship, doesn't it?
His actions are similar to what women complained about decades ago that lead up to the sexual revolution of the '60s. He does not seem to be interested in what pleases you and then following through; as long as he gets his rocks off, he doesn't need to learn about or acquire any more knowledge--what he's doing works--for him. If you want to test this theory out, ask him to (1) read this Index:
One Stop Shopping--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics
If he refuses, you have an answer.
If he does so albeit begrudgingly, you have an answer.
If he says OK when I get to it yet never seems to, you have an answer.
If he actually reads the information in the Index, and begins to read some of the information it contains, you have a much better answer.
Of course, the second part of the test is to see if he will read the how-to tips and techniques for making out, that is a process that comes way before foreplay, that are in several of the posts. If he does, then have a discussion with him about the importance of what he has learned.
If he is not interested in any of the above, even after reading the information, then I agree--move on and find someone who really has your best interest at heart.
What you talk about is certainly not restricted to the movies. Every time my girlfriend and I make make love, it's exactly that... Tender, conciderate and passionate. I really love the foreplay, and keep going with it until she asks me to enter her.
I guess we're really lucky with our situation, but it just sounds - as mentioned by others - that he really isn't interested in pleasing you, only himself.
Methinks an ultimatum needs to be set, or at least a nooky embargo ;)
Plus, I think you mentioned in another post that he's well endowed.. so that means you need even MORE foreplay so that it's more comfortable.
I think I remember reading on here somewhere...that sometimes guys w/ big d*cks think that that's enough and that they don't have to try any harder or do anything extra.
Of course I am not lumping all well endowed guys together or making a stereotype...but it could lend to his reasoning. :)
Well after reading some of your replies...particularly the one from dancingdoc...I wonder if he really knows how to facilitate good foreplay. I mean, don't get me wrong, he loves to do oral (and he is very good at it) and he is also a great kisser. Once in a while, he will involve my boobs but the thing is, even though he is great at all of these individually, he doesn't ever put them all together and make them last long enough for me to get completely aroused and in the mood before we have sex. Even if he did manage to do so, there are still simple things that he could do to add the passion to make it more like love making and less like just sex. I wonder if he thinks that if he spends too much time on foreplay that I will lose interest or think its boring. Also, I really like what demonbuttercup said about the fact that he is well-endowed. You are probably right int that aspect too because he does tend to brag a little bit about how good he is and how other women think he is good and that his size is why his last 2 girlfriends were obsessed with him. I don't mean to make him sound like a cocky a**hole, he really isn't that bad. I think he just has a little more of an ego because he knows he's blessed. He has shared his skills with me (and he IS skilled) and he has even taught me a lot, but I want to be able to teach him a few things. Also, the last thing I was thinking was that he is black and I am the 2nd white girl he has ever been with and he said that everyone else he has slept with were all black women and that if you try to go slow with a black woman they don't appreciate it and they like it rough and aggressive like he does....first I don't even know if that's true and second, if it is, could he be conditioned to think that's how sex is supposed to be, and if so, how do I break him of this?
well start telling him that hes not blessed with that "thing" unless he makes a girl ready to take it other wise its a damn curse for any woman because especially having a large penis you MUST be aroused enough / wet enough else it will be uncomfortable/painful if he doesn't understand this fact he has lots of learning to do. if he really loves you and cares for you he should be willing to take any amount of time for your enjoyment, tell him its too big and you would rather pleasure youself in you own way without being stabbed to death to keep him happy, you have told him that you like it nice and slow and with foreplay so it's not like he needs to assume you've told him and he brushed it off by saying he don't want it like the movies - very considerate. he needs a big change in thinking and knowing he is well endowed he should be willing to make himself more easily acepted by a woman by arousing her properly before just banging away
You might not think he's not that bad - but I sure do!
This is YOU he's supposed to be having sex with, not someone else.
You have tried talking. You have tried negotiating. What's left?
DITCH HIM. MOVE ON.
Be sure to tell him why.
of course EEK you realize this is the same guy you reckoned wasn't been shown enough respect because she was fed up with daily phone calls from his wife and a refusal to end the marriage officialy ?
Yes, NewtoLove, I do. It was her nagging him and snooping that indicated lack of respect. The other behaviors indicated depression and hiding from his problems. You will remember I also counseled her to stop doing things for him. The man has got to 'rise and walk' on his own. Step one: ditch him. Step two: wait to see if he comes back and if so - has he learned anything?
I'd just tell him to walk and make sure it be in the other direction