My girlfriend and I have had sex a couple times, but not very successfully.
Of the five or six times we've had sex, I think I've come twice. She has come once, although she seems to enjoy it all anyways. This problem is more on my end than on hers.
Honestly, I just don't really enjoy it. It seems like it requires an incredibly massive amount of coordination (her legs are constantly in the way) and constant physical effort (thrusting and whatnot) for no real pay-off; sex essentially feels like a mediocre hand-job.
I would honestly have more fun masturbating by myself.
No one else I know seems to have this problem, and at 21, most of our friends have had sex. They describe it as easy and some of them are incredibly driven to have more as much as possible.
My girlfriend wants to have more sex, but if it continues to be like this, I have no interest.
I don't mean I have no interest in her; I'm heterosexual, not asexual. I am turned on by girls or thoughts about naked girls, and I enjoy the non-sex things that my girlfriend and I do together, I just find that sex requires too much coordination and effort for something that really isn't that fun. Any advice?
i don't know your routine, but at least a half an hour of foreplay, try to introduce some oral, and maybe role-playing or fantasies. it's time for your brain to get into the mix. also if you are only using male condoms try switching to female and see if that helps
I have no problem with motivation; I am fully motivated and we do have lots of preparation before hand; my brain is very much in the mix. That's why I am so confused; I'm really into it, but it doesn't feel good.
It is also just really really complicated.
Dear NS,
Welcome to the forum! Sorry to hear about your troubles. Allow me to ask a few questions:
-What position(s) do you use?
-How do you masturbate?
-Are you having fun pleasing her? Do you find it stimulating to you?
-Is she pleasing you in any specific way?
-Do you communicate during sex?
-Do you feel that you're able to focus on your own pleasure? And if no, why not?
-Or perhaps; are you able to focus on anything but achieving orgasm?
-Is there any feeling of fear during sex?
A little background on why I ask such questions:
Each couple aligns differently. For example; missionary really doesn't work for us. I need to put my legs over his shoulder to get into a folded deckchair. Also: each angles could give you a different sensation. For example: my bf can hardly ever cum with me on top. Though he does enjoy it, it is not as stimulating as with him on top. To me; I can cum from nearly anything :o
Some men masturbate so vigorously, that any other stimulation becomes too soft. Oral, vaginal or even your partner providing you a hj can be not stimulating at all. The answer would be to not masturbate for a while or try to do it soft and gentle. Reprogramming your brain and body, as it were.
Part of having sex is how stimulating it is for yourself to see your partner enjoy. Another part to let yourself be pleased by your partner. And allow yourself to feel that pleasure. Your partner can stimulate you in ways you like. But: needs your feedback on that. Since not many people can read minds, we need to let our partner know what feels right. And not expect them to give us what we need without telling. Communication is the key.
Your partner can stimulate, but does not become responsible for your orgasm. We "take" our own orgasms and are not "given". But sometimes we can give ourselves a hard job on achieving orgasm: there could be too much or too little focus. Some people can't focus on their own pleasure. They are too focused on their partner that they forget to feel pleasure themselves. Or expect their orgasms to be "given". Some people focus too much on the result of sex (orgasm) instead of having sex itself. They just try too hard to do it "right". They could be focusing too much on genital action and a lot of thrusting, forgetting to stimulate the rest of their body. By focusing and almost demanding orgasm, it doesn't occur. Fear could play a part in not enjoying yourself. Since fear could become stronger than pleasure. Sometimes we are so scared of hurting our partner, failing to please, cum to fast or not at all, pregnancy, disease, fear of being touched by someone. Etc, etc, etc...
Hope you would answer these questions and see if anything applies to you.
[color=green]do you get any type of exercise other than sex??.....participate in physical activities??[/color]
The physical part of sex is only that - the physical. Even though your genitals may fit, poorly it seems, something else is not fitting.Long talk; tough decision; more exploration.
Don't think too much about how nervous you are, relax and take a deep breath. This should be something you WANT to do.
Spend a long time kissing and caressing your partner. This is called "foreplay" and the more there is of it, the better. Enjoy what you are doing, take time to get to know your partner's body and let them get to know yours. You never get another first time or another first time together.
[QUOTE=Notsure;262059] I just find that sex requires too much coordination and effort for something that really isn't that fun. Any advice?[/QUOTE]
[color=green]after reading this again, i just call this plain laziness.....of course it takes effort.....but as soon as you get more experience, coordination is no problem.....i wonder who is trying to be the leader during sex?
o and sex is fun!!![/color]
Hey everyone, thanks for all of the feedback.
I guess I'll reply to all of the questions I was asked to give you all a bigger picture.
-What position(s) do you use? Essentially missionary, although we tried cowgirl for a few brief minutes except that it was incredibly painful, so we stopped.
-How do you masturbate? Um, lying down in bed? Your point about doing it too vigorously could easily be the reason, and I will experiment with withholding for a while.
-Are you having fun pleasing her? Do you find it stimulating to you? I do. We engage in oral sex and hand jobs regularly.
-Is she pleasing you in any specific way? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this... during sex? No. Outside of sex? Sexually, the aforementioned blowjobs and hand jobs.
-Do you communicate during sex? Yes.
-Do you feel that you're able to focus on your own pleasure? And if no, why not? It's more a matter of there being no pleasure; once we get through the complicated process of interfering legs, I'm just thrusting and not really feeling anything.
-Or perhaps; are you able to focus on anything but achieving orgasm? It's not even really an option.
-Is there any feeling of fear during sex? Not really; I'm always incredibly careful with putting on the condom properly and being sure that she is on the pill.
I think your point about too vigorous masturbation could easily be the problem, and I have noticed this about myself. Thank you.
-do you get any type of exercise other than sex??.....participate in physical activities?? We don't do things together, but I do work out regularly, play soccer and bike during the summer, skate and ski during the winter. She also works out.
The reason why I'm confused is that I don't think it's a mental block; we're both fully into it and wanting it beforehand and there is plenty of foreplay. It just doesn't wind up working. It's not just a matter of laziness; it's not because it's work, it's because it's too much work considering the lack of result.
Thanks everyone, this should help.
[color=green]to get rid of the legs, you could just do doggystyle.....it's much easier.....for me, i prefer doing it with my wife on the couch and i'm standing....i don't know why, but i don't really like doing doggystyle with both of us on the bed....i would rather stand up and have her on the bed......but with that said, if i don't have time to get off the bed, F it, i'm going deal with it......sex shouldn't hurt.....if it does, then something is being done wrong......say like the cowgirl position.....if you were hurting, it's probably because of the fact that in that position, the woman is leaning towards your feet, causing her to pull your penis in the same direction, towards your feet.....when you get hard, your penis naturally doesn't go that way.....so either she must move back closer to your torso or you should sit up some to put you in a comfort zone.....is she's hurting, it's probably the angle.....i can't answer for women, so they can speak on that one
As for masturbation, I think it's healthy, but what i've noticed that how you perform it on yourself can affect you when it comes to sex.....your hand can squeeze tighter than your lady....so if you keep masturbating like this, it makes it harder for her to get you off because she can't produce the same feelings......you need to match her tightness that she is at now and have her start Kegel exercises......
Last is experience.....21 is young.....practice makes perfect!![/color]
positioning may be the problem....coz i havr problem enjoying sex when i'm in the missionary position....mix it up a bit, experiment...it may just be that u havnt found what works to you