ok basically im just to afriad to do this, im female, married a long time etc etc etc, having a lot of problems at the moment over this, but husband has said to me that from now on that he isnt going to do anything because it feels like he is forcing or pushing things along,
so my question is how do i get over this fear of trying, i make attempts but they are so feable and they go unrecognised after i have spent days convincing myself that i can do this for it to be met with no reaction at all from him, and he really didnt even think i was even slightly trying anything on. i then end up with an even bigger fear for trying anything the next time.
i have big problems due to the lack of any arousal at all on my part, and i know this isnt helping at all, yet for some reason when we talk about things he is convinced that i am aroused!! right so how come i dont feel any differently then?
I believe we have been here before. You need a complete gyn exam to include hormone levels and then ask your gyn for a referral to sex therapist or a hospital support group that addresses lack of arousal in women.
Or, work up the fortitude and simply grab him by the penis announcing you want that.
Please do as Brandye, our resident M.D. recommends. This should level the playing field and rule out any hormonal imbalance that may be affecting your sex drive.
Her second statement is so true, especially if you are simply timid or shy or have been programmed negatively by parents, clergy, or your local culture.
How do you respond when he attempts to kiss, cuddle, and romance you overall? Do you shy away? Do you dismiss his advances? Ignore or push him away? If so, then you need to find out why and do something to change this.
If you have been programmed by culture or your upbringing to think sex is bad or not important, or whatever, then you have to decide if this is truly the case. Apparently, you do not and from your description want to change your relationship.
The suggestion I often give to people who want to change their behavior is to quite simply take on an acting role by acting the part of the person you wish to become. In time the role playing will replace the old script with a new script and behavior. Give this a try before going for professional help, although, do seek help if you need to.
Brandye's last suggestion is great. What is stopping you from doing just that? Get him as he is coming out of the shower. Shucks! Walk in on him while he is in the shower, take the soap, and finish what he started--if you follow my thinking.
"Turnabout is fair play". Why not "throw caution to the wind" and simply begin kissing him on the sofa or when he walks by, or.... What's going to happen if you do? Probably that he will continue what you started!
Lastly, I suggest that you read the articles listed in the Index that discuss kissing and making out and this includes "The Program" by EEK.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
the fear in me is that bad i cant even kiss him as suggested. i wait for him to do anything at all, and then i just follow what he wants to happen. i dont think sex is bad or anything at all such as that, its just so dissapointing for me as i dont have that body sensations that the rest of you seem to have that drives you to act upon i.e. for me its purely something that i do to make him happy thats all.
as for the fear i have, its simmply due to when i try anything its so lame that he dont even pick up on it, am not able to make myself do anything stronger, as i have to work myself up all day just to do what i do at the moment and then i get that thrown back in my face when its such a lame attempt he hasnt realised what i was wanting to do for him.
O'less,
The threads you have started and the posts you have made are all the same theme. There is no indication that you have followed through on any recommendations that have been mad but have simply responded that it is too hard for you to do. Either get professional help, medical followed by counselling, or live with it. There is nothing more to be said here.
brandye i have repeatedly tried to get help but it is never forthcoming, if i thought for one moment that your place of work would sort this out i would register with you!!! and travel as far as it took, but there simply is nothing available to me here. thanks for your helpful bedside manner.
Look at your other threads. I gave a telephone number. Here is another number to an association that specializes in all forms of sexual dysfunction and can refer you wherever you wish: 0207 486 7262.
Not many people get that kind of service. Bedside manner is used with patients who are trying to get well; we switch tactics for those who just want to complain. If you really want to see bedside manner see my post to Lover of Curves. He sent me a pm of thanks.
I have read your statement of repeatedly trying to get help. You now have the phone numbers for two national associations dealing with sexual dysfunction. I have referred others to these numbers. You probably never thought of a google search for sexual dysfunction services in the UK.
right for your further info i have rang up the number you gave above, the nearest place to me is 100 miles away and a 2 hr drive, while its better than nothing its not really satisfactory due to the expense of getting there and the time etc etc. how can anyone be expected to commit to something on a regular basis that far from home i do not know. the loss of wages and the expense of getting there amount to £150 each time! nevermind the cost of seeing that person on top of that. im sure im not unlike others but we cant afford that!!!!
Read your previous post. You have made my point.
sorry but i didnt say i wasnt do ing anything about it i just made a comment that for something that might turn out to be a long term thing having to give up more than half ones wages every other week isnt really a good prospect esp when there are no guarentees that they are going to be able to sort any of this out!!!
its not like i live in the back and beyond ok surely to good im not the only person around where i live to be having difficulties in this?
Haven't you ever thought about being an actress? Even if the answer is "no", I believe you owe it to yourself and your relationship to take on the part of a woman who loves her man and desires to show him.
Relationships are partnerships and not one in which we take to receive. Successful relationships are giving, meaning we give in order to receive. There is a difference.
If you love your man, then why not show him? I do not see what is so difficult about touching his hand, kissing him on the lips or elsewhere, placing an arm around him when walking along. Taking his hand as you walk--or while sitting together.
He has done these things with you, why not throw caution to the wind and do one of these, and then another? What do you think he will do if you do--say "eew"? Pull away? Get upset? My guess is none of these and that is why he is asking you to take the proverbial bull by the horns and show him you love him.
If you cannot or are not willing to walk up and kiss him, hold hands, wrap an arm around his waste, etc., then what is in this relationship for him? There is no "I love you", "I'm in love with you!", or anything else that is an outward expression of the love you share. My guess is you are headed for a sexless romanticless marriage. Certainly this will be less satisfying than what you share now.
There is an old saying: "if Mama ain't happy...ain't nobody happy". Consider the tables turned. He is unhappy and his feelings likely will become worse.
Relationships take two to make work. If you are unwilling or unable for whatever reason to not take it upon yourself to fix the marriage, then talk to him about making a plan for the future that both of you can adopt, even if you turn him loose. The latter is much better than having him remain in what is or will be essentially a platonic marriage.
Please do not respond to this message. Just uphold your end of the vows and begin by taking that first step, even if it is wrong or that you stumble at first. Keep going.
look this morning ok, was the first time we have been alone in thehouse together for a long time, i let him sleep in for a while and was going to take him a coffee in bed, but he got up and came down dressed, he kissed me for a bit and then i said about him getting a shave, in themean time the dog who seems to know its a weekend was going daft so i suggested that he take the dog a quick walk, and in that time i had showered and shaved myself for his return, i waited and waited to have him come home over an hr later and find he went to his mums!!
in that time i gave up waiting on him and got dressed, i then got blamed as i hadnt been behaving like some slut jumping on his bones and making anything i had thought about so blatently obvous for him to understand that i was trying to do something, is it my fault that he just dont think im trying at all? i think not because he wants to believe that i cant do this and goes out of his way to make sure i dont have any confidence let to even try the most simplest of things.
as for the acting thing, no i have never done that and i simply cant do it, way back even at school drama was one of my worst nightmares and i would bunk off when that and pe came around, i hated it