To P E or not to be, that is the question.

> I've don't quite a bit of reading on this forum and I know similar questions have come up pretty frequently, so I don't want to beat a dead horse. But I'd like some feedback if possible.

It is appreciated by many that you have done your research, first, before posting a question. All too often, the answer(s) are right before a new poster yet s/he asks an age old question yet again. That you may have a new slant on a situation or are unclear about the information you have gleaned is understandable and certainly not a problem.

> My issue is that my stamina seems very inconsistent. When we're having vaginal intercourse, I last more or less indefinitely (we also use a condom which significantly numbs the sensation for me). However, when she gives oral or handjobs, the results vary greatly. Sometimes I can hang in there for about 10 minutes, but other times it will be less than 2.... I'm wondering if my inconsistency may be rooted in the fact that we don't engage in sexual activities very often, so I'm not quite used to the sensation.

Usually not.

> With my previous girlfriend, I never noticed this issue.... I've read that this is not entirely uncommon in young men. So my question, briefly stated, is this. Do you think this qualifies as PE and should be treated as such?

This is not technically P E.**

The inconsistency or the wide variance in staying power is the result of how closely she is able to match the type of stimulation you need to trigger an orgasm. In my posts that address the issue of not being able to get my partner to cum easily I write about how post-pubescent boys quickly develop a routine that is unique and specific to them and upon which they rely upon to bring them to the point of an orgasm.

I also note that while we all understand the basic mechanics involved in stroking a penis and fingering a clitoris, each person develops a "fine art" to the method and it is this fine art that must be taught to our partner because if we miss the mark even just a little, we will either fail to climax or the resulting orgasm will be less than desired. It is curcial therefore that we learn to mimic our partner's movements, rhythms, and pressures if we are to help them achieve their orgasms. As part of this I also point out that we do not give orgasms away, each person is responsible for his/her own. All any of us can do is to help our partner achieve one and this is done by learning to mimic how s/he masturbates.

I recommend that each person demonstrate how they masturbate and then to take their partner's hand in theirs guiding their movements several times until s/he learns to mimic their specific movements, rhythms, and pressures. By doing so we learn how and what it takes to bring our partner to the point of no return and beyond, reliably and consistently.

** The most common definition for Premature Ejaculation is when the man climaxes within the first minute or so of entering the vagina, the initial return stroke, or one of the first few. If he climaxes after the first minute or so it is more an unplanned untimely event than "premature". The cure can be found in one or more posts by Brandye and myself. I won't go into the fix, here, because your topic of interest is different. Because your concern is mainly with receiving hand jobs and/or oral, I would say that the inconsistency has to do with the fluctuations in how closely and regularly she is able to mimic your movements and for how long at a time before veering off course so to speak.

> Or does this seem like a non-issue that will most likely disappear as we develop more of a regular schedule?

Of course being able to get together more frequently and regularly will help, however, the key is really in learning how to duplicate what you require in the way of stimulation. The same holds true in reverse for her with you, just in case you are wondering. So, teach each other how to mimic the fine art of your stroking and fingering. In addition, know that giving feedback on how you are responding to their caresses and for what you need--now, is equally as important. When masturbating, each of us benefits from internal feedback and thus we can modulate our movements and make any "midcourse corrections" on the fly. This is missing when we turn the deed over to our partner; and, a new form of feedback must be used that is either verbal or non-verbal. Verbal can be words or utterences that inform; non-verbal can be a squeeze of the hand or some other form of body english that the two of you work out to convey specific meanings. This will help with the oral stimulation the two of you do.

Finally, it is important to understand that while guys can get off strictly from a hand job, and once in a while from oral stimulation, the most reliable results are when oral stimulation is backed up with manual. This is the dynamic duo of all stimulation.

> I appologize for the length of the post, but any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Not to worry for as Beethoven once stated upon being criticized for writing long-winded musical works: there are just as many notes as there needs to be. Same for your post.

Got questions? Feel free to ask.

> Thank you for your insight....I really appreciate the feedback.

You're welcome. The board only works because of shared knowledge and insight. This is another example of how feeback is useful.

> So to sum things up, you feel that this is not likely to be an abnormality or disorder on my part, but rather a need for my partner and I to better communicate the types of stimulation we require?

Yup. A movie line said it all: "What we have here is a failure to communicate." The answer is in giving each other feedback and in teaching her how to mimic the technique you have come to rely upon over the years to bring about your orgasms.

> A mismatch of stimulation would certainly explain why this has not happened with me before.

You are absolutely correct. In and of itself, a mismatch is not a bad thing because by being off course what often occurs is that in attempting to build our arousal and then to trigger an orgasm our partner is able to cause us to experience sensations having much greater intensity than we would normally experience from whatever high we'd get immediately preceeding a climax. Being sidetracked has its bennies! :D

> I know that each partner brings their own unique techniques to the relationship, but I have not noticed a glaring difference in my current girlfriend's technique that makes me say "Aha, this is why I'm not lasting as long as I previously did." So what is a good way to go about communicating what should be done differently when I'm not at all sure what should be done differently myself?

Good question, that. Up to now the discussion has centered around the how of how to reliably bring about an orgasm. Now, you are asking how do I hold it at bay if desired. The answer to this is what I address in my posts on P E. There are two good techniques. Brandye recommends the "Squeeze technique" that is great for the here and now. I recommend a training exercise that the two of you can participate in that will train you to recognize and associate certain feelings with the approach of an orgasm and at one or two benchmarks. When you can recognize certain sensations and associate them with a particular benchmark--like a point just preceeding the trigger point where you can still maintain control if all stimulation is stopped, then you can reliably pick and choose when to let go and enjoy an orgasm or when you want to enjoy two or more build-ups before letting go. The last bit of importance is in being able to recognize when an orgasm is about to occur, being able to keep it at bay, so you can switch around and get into the sexual position of choice.

You can find the exercise described or referenced in seveal of my posts. Here are a couple of links:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_...e_problem.html

...including my second and third reply.

In addition, please go to the link mentioned in the second post:
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_...re+Ejaculation

> I'm not sure if this plays into things, but I have been extremely stressed out and distracted by school and work lately. And the fact that I see my girlfriend so intermittently means that when we do have some alone time together, in some ways it feels like the first time all over again. We have a great relationship, and emotionally we are very close. But I know the first few times are always a bit intimidating. Do you think any of that could be playing a role as well?

No doubt. Here is some sage adivce a wise mentor once shared with me: Take the matter seriously, but do not take yourself so seriously. The message is to lighten up, go with the flow, don't get all bent out of shape over little snaphoos, and above all else, laugh and roll with the punchs. If you worry about and get frustrated and all up tight when things do not work out according to plan, you will only exacerbate the problem. Your relationship is a partnership in all aspects including the romantic and sexual portions. Work together as a team, teach each other and learn together, and in this situation, communicate how you are responding and for what you may need now.