> 1.) Does the sexual problems I've discussed sound like they are of a physical, or psychological nature (or both)?

It sounds to me like it is psychological. If you are masturbating successfully and are enjoying great success and pleasure and fun from fooling around with her--and you have strong erections as a result, then there should not be a problem with intercourse, later.

Now, having said that, you should know that first intercourse does not always go as planned and you might experience a weak erection, especially if penetration is difficult. Know that one has nothing to do with the other.

> 2.) Secondly, how should I handle the question of her sexual history and overcome my jealousy over them?

That she wants to wait til marriage to experience intercourse yet will do "everything else" beforehand is not unusual. Her reasoning about establishing an emotional bond, first, is spot on.

As pleasant and enjoyable as intercourse is, it is more about connecting the psyches and becoming one with the other for a moment in time. This is the Part II of the marriage ceremony and is very important and all too often minimized this day and age. You will probably find that orgasms from manual and/or oral sex will be considerably more intense than what you have from intercourse. So, you are not loosing out on that front and have a very important bonding to look forward to on your wedding night.

A mixture of alcohol, depression and guilt would be a strong sexual depressant. Your unsatisfactory experiences with prostitutes are not unusual. If you are able to get it up and reach ejaculation, your systems are all functional. Only the brain is left to be tested. And, I must say, you seem to be testing it.

It is not reasonable to expect a 28 yo to be without sexual experience. If that gives you a hangup, you are better off not knowing the specifics. I am willing to wager that you would find yourself distressed wondering aboput her past if you had not had that discussion. The fact that she wants to delay sex indicates that she learned something from her very few past relationships.

Your first (next) stop should be with a professional to overcome your own guilt regarding your sexual history. Your baggage does not originate with your present girlfriend but with your own past sexual contacts - and non-contacts.

[QUOTE=Nobo Dy]So to recap, the two questions which need answering:

1.) Does the sexual problems I've discussed sound like they are of a physical, or psychological nature (or both)?

2.) Secondly, how should I handle the question of her sexual history and overcome my jealousy over them?
[/QUOTE]

Okay, first of all, the sexual problems you've had are purely psychological and you will overcome them with this relationship. You get erections and have orgasms just fine so I would just drop that issue. It will be a thing of the past very soon.

I can tell you this because I had the same problems when I first became sexually active in my 20's. I didn't go to prostitutes, but I did attempt sex with a "nympho" that I wasn't really attracted to. This was done with the thought of getting rid of my virginity since it was weighing me down. At the big moment, I couldn't perform and I was just sick over it. An actual loving relationship remedied that.

I have also been down the "sexual history/jealousy" path as well. I had never successfully had sex when I met my future wife but I lied to her and said that I had two partners and had sex a total of 4 times. :D I couldn't bear the thought of her knowing that I was technically a virgin in my late 20's.

My wife has had lots of sex with 3 former BF's and I think she's slept with one or two more guys. I would be lying to you if I said that didn't gnaw at me at times while we were dating and even in marriage on occasion. I've met the guy she lost her virginity to since her family is friends with his. It was difficult shaking his hand and thinking about the fact that he had sex with my wife for almost three years.

So I know where you're coming from.

Here's my advice: unless she really feels it's necessary for you to hear any more of her sexual history for some reason, I would thank her for being open and honest but I would tell her that you don't need to talk about it anymore. It's in the past and the two of you move on.

She seems to have learned from past mistakes and she seems to genuinely care about you. If you love her, don't let jealousy screw this up for you.

As for her former BF's, she needs to realize that they can be acquaintances, but they can't be "close friends". To me, that's just too weird. If she is really close to any of them, I can't blame you for being uncomfortable with that.

The male of the species can compartmentalize orgasms. We can have sex for the sake of pure unadulterated sex. We can make love and enjoy sex as an integral part.

Women on the other hand have a much more difficult time separating sex this way. They find it extremely difficult if not impossible to separate out the sex from the romance and the love--the emotional component.

What she is telling you is that she wants to spend more time developing the other aspects of your relationship so that when the time is right for intercourse, her psyche and emotions--the bond she has with you, will be both stronger and more refined {read: broader and deeper for all the aspects that define your relationship).

This does not necessarily mean the relationship you have is "unresolved", only in a state of development. She wants the many aspects that make it a relationship to become stronger and more defined and this just takes hanging out with each other, doing things together, talking about the many things that are important to making a relationship work such as who takes out the trash, who handles the money, how many kids, etc., et cetera, etc. ad infinitum.

Once again: You are focusing on her past. Sounds pretty innocuous to me. You need resolution of your past much more than resolution of hers.

Get some help interpreting you rather than the self-flagellation of interpreting her.

[QUOTE=Nobo Dy]Thanks again dancingdoc. Just to clarify what I meant about unresolved. Although she said that the main relationship ended in 2001, she told me that he came to visit her last year and that they had a 'meaningless fling' but that there was no penetration. Made me think that she's some kind of booty call for him and that she's pleased to go along for physical reasons. That just made me go mmmmm. How do I interpret that?[/QUOTE]

That is yet another parallel between your stiuation and my situation 7-8 years ago. My future wife told me about her long term BF of a few years earlier (and other BF's as well). Then as we became more serious, she felt the need to slip into conversation that she had spent the night at his house once within the last year after a conversation they had out of the blue but that it wasn't any big deal. She then assured me that after spending that time with him, she was sure that he was in her past.

Basically, I took it that she was a booty call and she was probably eager to exude a little sexual confidence that she picked up since their breakup a few years earlier. Personally, I think she had sex with him and that got the wheels to turning in my head.

So I know what you're feeling. And my advice is: put it in the past.

Please PM me if you would like to discuss this further - I have a lot of insight into your situation because I personally have been through almost all of it.

First of all let the past stay in the past. What I don't understand is that YOU have had sexual encounters with 4 prostitutes and you're worried about HER sexual history!? :confused:

Were you safe with the prostitutes? Does she know about them? Have you been tested for STD's lately?

I'd say if you want this to work you are going to have to forget the past and concentrate on the present.

As for your sexual problems, I would pay very much respect to Brandye's posts.

Intercourse is not the only way to receive an STD. They can be received from oral.

I guess I'd sorta build on what most are saying... and add that it seems to me there's a strange emphasis developing in the relationship. I tend to preach that asking the right questions is more important than the right answers to the wrong questions.

The questions I'd be considering are:

How's the relationship between you outside your pasts and this "no sex" rule?

Why are you fencing (that's the appearance from the conversation) with this? There's almost a "if you show me yours I'll show you mine" thing going on...

Are you both kidding yourselves to some extent? In the conversation you pasted here, you both talk about having "deep conversation," but then you come here to ask what she really means? Why aren't you asking her?

What role is religion going to play in your relationship? (It sounds like you are going to have to beef up on the Bible. LOL)

Are you both equally committed to the "no sex" rule? How are you going to manage that, particularly where you know it's a new rule for her? (People are allowed to change.)

These are not questions that need to be answered here... but they are far more important than the questions about what who did with whom. It seems to me that you are both more focused on punishing yourselves for past "indiscretions" than on how you are building your relationship. It is also interesting that she seemed concerned after telling her story... almost as if you are being tested?

That's another piece of advice in there that I hope is apparent. I think it would be considered fairly normal to feel a bit strange about a girl who tells you she had sex three times a day with somebody she still feels connected to... but she's not goiing to have sex with you until you are married.

You can - and should - accept her decision. But I think you have an obligation to tell her how it makes you feel when she brings it up. You BOTH need to get her past behind you.

girls are quite easily addicted to sex i've noticed and alot of girls have problems even sleeping on their own after a long term relationship so that counts for the 'one flesh' thing but i really this your girl is just worried that you think badly of her for refusing that intimacy with you while she didn't with other people but she had issues with attachment and her relationships sounded like the mostly ended up being about the sex anyway. Take it slow and reassure her that your comfortable with her past and you are willing to wait. Most girls especially ones who have been there before take awhile to open up again to a highly sexual relationship. Just wait and play that part by ear maybe sometime sooner or later she'll decide that she is ready for another attempt at a intimate relationship.