Is your wife on the pill, patch, or shots? If so, depending upon the product, it is possible that her libido has shut down. If this is the case, consulting with her doctor and asking for a different contraceptive can solve the problem.

If the problem is that she has no sex drive, normally, then perhaps consulting with a therapist is the path to take. She may have a hormone imbalance that can be treated. Furthermore, does she think her lack of interest is normal behavior, or, does she recognize that her lack of interest is not normal? If so, why do you think she is not interested in finding out what the trouble is and fixing it?

Lastly, is her lack of interest a symptom of something gone wrong within your relationship unrelated to sex?

Has she flat out said 'I just don't like sex'? I would tend to doubt it. And unless that IS the case, this isn't about you not having found the right thing to add to the bedroom hardware. You need to TALK TO HER about it.

And I don't mean a 'Ok I have another idea we could try, what do you think about XYZ?' conversation. I'm hearing in your post a lot of 'other women seem to like this, you don't, wth??'. She's not other women, she's HER....she's your wife. Her 'switches', if you take my meaning, are particular to her. Have you picked up on what those are and tried starting with them?

As an example, T knows that flicking my nipples is like a light switch. We'll go to bed, and he'll spoon up behind me, drape his arm over me, and sometimes he'll start flicking. And when he starts that, and I giggle and say 'hey, now....' his reply is typically 'I'm just trying to make you feel good'.

Which, while it took me a bit to get to, is my point. Have you ever heard the phrase 'kiss me like you WANT to, instead of like you HAVE to'? Make sure she feels desired and that this is for her too-she's not just a means to the end of getting you off. Turn this thought process and conversation around and make it about HER....what SHE needs and wants, instead of having such a focus on what YOU'RE craving. Sex itself is not on the evening's agenda during this conversation--this is purely talking it out and figuring out what her attitudes/issues are. She's got reasons--find them, talk them out, find out from her how you can help, and work on them together.

You have tried all of the usual methods to no effect. That's is no surprise.

Because you HAVE NOT done what you SHOULD have done which is simply, in the absence of any medical issue including stress and over-work - is to PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Specifically, not what worked with other women - you've been married for 9 years now - dammit don't you KNOW what works with HER?

Obviously, it isn't toys, pornography and lingerie. Those are tricks used by women to get their men going - not vice versa with a few exceptions. Pornography, for example, bores me to tears! I'd much rather do than watch. Lingerie just gets in my way and the best toys ever invented were men!

Doc and Int are right on the money but I have another couple of items for you to digest:

1. If it isn't in her body, it is in her head - so what does she think about sex and sexuality? How was she raised? Was she abused? What does she believe? As you believe so shall you do. Understand that your fighting for your marriage and for your wife - put some effort and courage into TALKING with her and EXPLORING what is going on in her head. Reserve judgment, do not give up, and accept what she says is true.

2. Find, read, and do The Program and Body Worship. Spend time on the foreplay and then more time on the foreplay. Fire her up to the extent that SHE jumps on YOU.Within each woman, in the absence of medical & psyche issues, there is an Inner Tigress. Ignite it and afterwards catch her up in your big strong arms, celebrate, and tell her to NEVER hide form you again and you can take whatever she dishes out.

Got it?

OK. Make an appointment or two with a marriage and family counselor and find one that you feel comfortable talking to. Explain the situation as you have with us and ask if this is a topic s/he has an expertise with. When you find a counselor, then work with the person individually and together as the person finds necessary. If you wife balks at the idea or simply will not participate then you have a decission to make.

This is a sad state of affairs. I wonder if she has heard this ol' adage, above. The thing is, what if the situation was the other way around?

> she doesnt think its a big deal and says we dont need help.

As you stated: "therein lies the problem...." A partner/spouse should be aware and concerned enough to understand that if one partner says there is a problem--there is.

It sounds to me as if she has become emotionally detached. Unless or until she is ready to plug back in and work on improving what you perceive as wrong with the relationship, with or without outside help, things are not likely to improve. I do wish I could offer more.

YES SEX IS WORTH DISSOLVING A MARRIAGE OVER.

If your wife doesn't give a damn about you, refuses to recognise that you're hurting, refuses to seek a solution, well - what more information do you need?

You are in here "at the end of your $^&&% rope!" and yet - you're too much of a coward to go to the mat about this with her - the source of your pain?

Well, when the pain, which is now at 9, gets to 10 - you will walk. It really is just that simple. When you get to 10, you will stop asking for help, you will get a lawyer and you will file for divorce. It is just that simple.

Either she gets the message and buys in or you're gone.

Dude, read some of the stories here and show it to the wife. In fact demand that she read it so she understand the issue clearly.

[url=http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/03/when-sex-leaves-the-marriage/?a... Sex Leaves the Marriage - Well Blog - NYTimes.com

Here's almost 1000 people talking about the exact same issue as you have (you're not alone). As you can see from responses to this NY Times article, this is serious marriage business and not to be taken lightly.

If she can't see the light after reading the 1000 or so stories of woe contained herein, well, I think EEK said it all (esp. if you have no kids and are willing to go back to the sea to catch another fish).

Best of luck my friend.

I'm not a doctor but I have to agree, some therapy is needed. Now if she's not willing to go as you've indicated, and you're not entertaining the idea of ending your marriage just yet, then perhaps you may want to get some therapy for yourself to help you better deal with the matter. Maybe she needs to see your commitment - other than giving up sex to be together - to the marriage for her to come around.

I had a friend once who had a similar problem. After having their child his wife wasn't interested in having sex. He tried everything. Finally he went to counseling without her. He discovered that given their jobs, the only time they had any "alone" time was when they got into bed. She performed all day at work, pick up the kids and performed for them, and then at night she was expected to perform in bed for him. He ended up doing little things like sending flowers to her work for no special reason, he mailed her "thinking of you" cards, and other things but he didn't push the sex issue. He told me he jerked off "two or three times a day" but she finally came around. He told me he just wasn't ready to give up.

As a side note, on occasion I'll send my wife flowers with a note that says something like "thank you for waking up next to me this morning". All of her co-workers (mostly female) go nuts. She's usually very willing later in the evening.

In contrast, a buddy of mine tried the same things after I suggested it. His wife bitched at him for spending the money. He divorced her and moved on and found someone who is fantastic. His ex is still looking.

Just a thought.

Well, then you will just have to get used to not having any sex with your beautiful wife - who could care less - for the sake of your daughter.

And when your duaghter's done with college and out in the world - think anything will change between you and your wife?

kevjam--I feel your pain and rejection, I endured 34 years of a marriage such as you describe. She was my best friend from high school and the mother of our 2 kids, my greatest fan, my motivation, my everything in life. But off and on during our marriage, she'd just plain dry up sexually, have these bleak, dark cold seasons when her sexuality would go into hibernation, for periods ranging from a few weeks to a few years at a time. I never did figure out why, and after it was all over, I just accepted it as her seasons of sexuality--sometimes barren winter, sometimes verdant spring or hot summer. In any case, I could never have contemplated leaving her either--as you said, when push came to shove, the lack of sex did not ever seem like sufficient ground to end the marriage. Outside of bed, we were usually pretty wonderful together. She also refused to go to any sort of counseling, telling me that it would not be helpful because nothing was going to change, and in fact she wasn't interested in changing, that if I needed more sex to take care of that problem myself. And my late wife was a social worker, a marriage and family therapist herself!!! She also seemed to get intense sexual gratification whenever we DID have sex--she was multi-orgasmic and during those "on" seasons we could get into dress-up, toys, role-play, watching porn, light bondage, she could be very kinky and experimental--different locations, positions, etc. But when her sexual winter came, forget it, all bets were off.

The most difficult thing for me to deal with was not the sexual frustration or my inability to feel as intimate or connected to her as I wished. It was my feelings of rejection. She'd tell me to "not take it so personally," but what the hell? How should I have taken it? Eventually, after 21 years of marriage, I DID "take care of that problem myself," and not by self-pleasure, but by beginning a discreet affair. That tore me apart, but I needed intimacy, passion, acceptance and, yes, I needed some pu$$y, I admit it! That lasted 2 years, very off and on, until I broke it off, frightened that I'd endangered my marriage, put my children in jeopardy and further distanced myself from my wife. Although we seemed to have evolved by then a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding my sexual needs, so in a sense she knew but she didn't know, I asked her for a new beginning to our relationship. She had difficulty framing a real answer to me, but she did become a bit more accommodating and accepting of the fact that I required a sexual relationship--but even that was uneven. However, things did get better a bit, plus I did, finally, learn to "not take it so personally" and to not feel rejected as much--but remember, that took me nearly 25 years of marriage to accomplish! We got to a place where we were actually looking forward to growing old together, and shortly before her terminal diagnosis with cancer, she made a New Year's Resolution: We should have more sex more often. Talk about 'took her long enough!' We managed 6 weeks of that before she was too ill to make love...

I guess I'm saying that IF you decide to stay with your wife and IF she decides not to open up sexually for the sake of your marriage and your daughter, then some serious decisions have to be made by you. Like me, it's probable that you'll never figure out the cause of her sexual indifference. With no known family, religious, cultural or physical problems to hang it on, one is just left to wonder what happened to the girl you married...
Michael